Accused my GF of cheating with her Guy-buddy..

[AidanH]

So, before me and my GF started dating a year ago she was a third wheel for about a year to her friend/BF's relationship. She ended up becoming close friends with her friends BF.

Eventually she drifted away from the friend but maintained the friendship with the guy. The friendship ended due to a bunch of reasons but one last argument was her friendship with her friends BF. She told the boyfriend a bartender had a crush on her friend to the boyfriend. She promised to stop talking to the BF of her friend but decided the friendship was stronger with the BF then her friend so instead changed his name in her phone to "Stacy" so her friend wouldnt know if/when he called/text.

 

So, I we started dating while just as her friendship ended, just around the time she did the phone name change. Inknew about it, wasnt worried. We just started dating and to me she was just a girl I saw occasionally, I didnt care if she talked to other guys, what she did etc..

 

3 or 4 months go by and I'm growing stonger feelings for her. During this time I always see "Stacy" text coming through while we are together. She talks about him a bunch, telling me how nice he is, how her friend is trying to get back with him, how they chat like catty girls about girls hes dating or her friend he dated etc..

 

This adds up and I start to get jealous.

 

Around Feb. we are out to eat and she tells me how he didnt like me for a while, even wanted to fight me cause at the start of my relationship I was seeing her and other girls, you know keeping my options open before I commited. He found this sickening since I didnt commit to her and she was sad about it.

 

I also started to take notice how for months and months her and his social media interaction was abundant. She didnt comment/like my stuff but the two of them were chatty on every post/photo shared. He would almost instantly be on anything she updated in seconds.

 

So, about 4-5 months ago I said "enough!" This guy clearly has a crush on you!

She said "Yeah, I know, he told me a long time ago he had feelings for me but I friendzoned him" She explained she had no attraction to him, would never date a guy whos slept with a friend of hers, explained how when shes commited (to me) she has never strayed.

She said she wouldnt choose between me and a friend. Said it would mean I was controlling and she wouldnt be controlled.

 

At first nothing changed. For the first week they talked/text/social media the same.

 

Admittedly once I noticed all the social-media exchanges I would check her stuff a few times daily (not log in just check what/who she commented on and liked)

 

A month or so in things calmed. She stopped all social media exchanges with him. His dwindled down. The text/calls slowed.

She approached on night at dinner and said "He text me about such and such an hour or so ago. I want you to know that cause I know it bothers you. Do you want me to tell you when he does?" I said no..didnt want to seem insecure or paranoid.

 

Things over the next 3 months were kinda calm. He barely exchanged with her on social media, I didnt notice as many/text calls/she barely spoke about him. He still responded to her social media stuff but like %90 less.

 

Then the last month or two I noticed he was calling/texting more. She had more to say about him. He was more prevalent instantly commenting/liking her stuff.

 

My jealousy grew..my anger.

Last week her phone goes off "ding" its a text. Then her social media notification goes "ding" (you can select people to be notified when they post, she does it for all her friends)

I notice he posted a picture then text it too her all in a matter of seconds.

 

So 2 nights ago I go to bed. Say goodnight to her, she doesnt reapond. 15min later she post a pic of her cats and he instantly likes it.

I'm kind of angry...first she doesnt have the manners/respect to respond and second I'm really tired of this dude and my jealousy is worse then it ever was.

 

Next morning (yesterday) I write up a big email. I explain how I find their friendship wrong, how it was wrong from the start cause even her friend was bothered by it. I say if she was a guy, him a girl, and her friend a guy she most likely would have got punched. I said to be honest if your friend punches you Ill feel bad but you deserved it.

Not only that..

I told her ways I thought she and him were consorting behind my back. I said after our last fight its clear she told him about the social media stuff and thats why it calmed. I said I saw he post the picture then sent it, is that how thw go behind my back now? I said sometimes I feel as if she hides her phone use from me (laying it screen down, facing away from me while on it) and asked if shes hiding stuff from me.

 

She called me crazy, schitzo. Said she doesnt know me. Said I made up stories in my head, wished violence on her. Said Im being controlling.

Said I know she only has a handful of friends and even less that are good people and he is one. Said it takes two to tango and she would never stray. Chalked it all up to me being insecure and unable to trust people.

Explained to me how "unattractive he is compared to me" and how if I would only meet him chances are he would be my friend too.

Hes also a truck driver so she hasnt even seen him physically in a year since hes always somewhere in a different state. Says thats what they talk about..what city he is, who hes dating, cats, or her friend he dated who he gets back with every now and then.

She refused to ever end her friendship with him, said it mean I was controlling and didnt trust her and she needs trust and not to be under someones control.

 

She thinks Im crazy now..I feel I may have destroyed us. I hate myself and my jealousy/possesiveness.

 

She didnt break up with me but their is tension. Im embarassed to see her, ashamed of myself...

I dont know if I avoid her or act like its a just another day and text and call as usual..

 

Im at a loss on how to fix this, how to accept her friend thats a guy...

[PegNosePete]

So, I we started dating while just as her friendship ended, just around the time she did the phone name change. Inknew about it, wasnt worried.

You should have been worried. She showed you exactly the kind of person she is. You didn't listen.

 

She said she wouldnt choose between me and a friend. Said it would mean I was controlling and she wouldnt be controlled.

Translation. I am going to do exactly what I want and continue to act like a single girl no matter what you think or feel about it. If you try to talk to me about it like an adult then I will throw "abuse" claims around like they're candy.

 

She called me crazy, schitzo. Said she doesnt know me. Said I made up stories in my head, wished violence on her. Said Im being controlling.

She said all that, and you still want to "fix" it? If someone said that to me, that would be it, go straight to dumpedville, do not pass go, do not collect £200. Have some self respect man.

 

She is a drama queen and is causing all this hassle in your life.

[LostOnes05]

It's great to have friends you can rely on and talk to. However, something doesn't make sense here. Essentially she was friend's with his ex first, but told him about some guy having a crush on the ex?? Seems like a great way to fein friendship, get closer to this guy, and break up a relationship all at once. Also, she is willing to lose a relationship with someone who is right in front of her over someone she hasn't seen in at least a year? Hmmm...But as PNP said, be wary of women who throw out the "you're controlling" defense when you bring up a legitimate concern. They know it gets under your skin and is the exact opposite of what you know yourself to be. However, to keep doing any old thing they feel like doing they will say it's you, not me.

 

I mean she chose to maintain contact with him after she told her friend she would stop. Seems like the rules apply to everyone but her. Just understand that if you choose to stay in this relationship, that she will do anything it takes to hide their friendship. Don't feel bad or crazy for voicing your thoughts on the situation. That's what you are supposed to do.

 

Some people don't understand until they're in the same situation. For example, if you developed a friendship with a woman and she texted you all the time your gf would be irate. She would wonder why they had to like everything you put on social media, why you had to talk so much, why you were so guarded over this friendship etc. The "she's attracted to me but we're just friends" excuse wouldn't fly.

[Ophelia27]

Could't agree more with PegNosePete. This girl is clearly not relationship material. You told her how you felt but clearly she doesn't care. She may not be mature enough to date someone. There was no reason to tell you the guy friend didn't like you at first because you kept your options open. That was either to start drama or because it bothered her and she used him to let you know about it. Making him seem like some protector of her.

 

And the constant texting around you. She knows you don't like it. You told her. Multiple times. She has to reply to him instantly? She has to like everything he does right away? The fact that she doesn't even have the decency to wait to do that when you are not around to make you more comfortable (you know, the "I'm here with you now, he can wait. You're more important.") Shows just how much maturity she lacks.

 

Don't be ashamed. You let her know how you felt. That email told her nothing more than you already told her before. Over and over.

 

Is this really someone you see yourself dating? She clearly loves the attention. Even if she cuts him off she might find someone else to "friendzone" to replace him.

[AidanH]

It's great to have friends you can rely on and talk to. However, something doesn't make sense here. Essentially she was friend's with his ex first, but told him about some guy having a crush on the ex?? Seems like a great way to fein friendship, get closer to this guy, and break up a relationship all at once. Also, she is willing to lose a relationship with someone who is right in front of her over someone she hasn't seen in at least a year? Hmmm...But as PNP said, be wary of women who throw out the "you're controlling" defense when you bring up a legitimate concern. They know it gets under your skin and is the exact opposite of what you know yourself to be. However, to keep doing any old thing they feel like doing they will say it's you, not me.

 

I mean she chose to maintain contact with him after she told her friend she would stop. Seems like the rules apply to everyone but her. Just understand that if you choose to stay in this relationship, that she will do anything it takes to hide their friendship. Don't feel bad or crazy for voicing your thoughts on the situation. That's what you are supposed to do.

 

Some people don't understand until they're in the same situation. For example, if you developed a friendship with a woman and she texted you all the time your gf would be irate. She would wonder why they had to like everything you put on social media, why you had to talk so much, why you were so guarded over this friendship etc. The "she's attracted to me but we're just friends" excuse wouldn't fly.

 

Yes, I questioned her tell the BF another guy liked his GF. Her friend was irate about this. Theyre friendship was on a downward spiral, the friend had done mean things to my GF in the past and this argument was kind of the final straw for my GF. She hung out with the girl for another month or two and this is the time she changed his name in her phone to hide she still talked to him. Around this time to the BF started informing my GF of all the horrible stuff her friend was and had said behind her back. Basically my GF and her guy-buddy were, and still are, started telling each other the back-stabby things her friend did to both of them (Her friend told people she had MS, her friend told the BF my GF was a selfharmer but she isnt, etc..lots of lies and evil stuff her friend did)

They follow the friend on social-media and start talking/laughing about stuff her (ex)friend does. Like on Facebook now proclaming she is Latino but shes white and such. Or the girl sending her guy buddy 30 emails or begging him for dates.

 

Its like they have a common enemy and they act like two catty women laughing it up or telling each other backstab stuff she did when theyre were a 3 way friendship/friendship

 

I tell her its immature and wierd. I tell her shes playing with fire cause if the (ex)friend ever figures out she changed the name, talked behind her back, still talks to the ex-BF then the girls prob gonna knock on her door and pinch her lights out.

 

She says I have no right or no opinion to comment on this subject. Says I dont know how terrible her friend was to her, dont know the lies she spread behind her back she found out from her guy-buddy.

 

Shes says she dated crazy guys before and its clear Im one. Said a crazy controlling guy once locked her in a bathroom over jealousy. Said my email resembled one a crazy guy sent her once.

 

I told her I have issues with jealousy/territorial..she says it doesnt matter my absolute trust should trump it all.

Says she should be able to have any friend cause my trust should be in her.

 

She even brought up that when she goes out I ask "what time will you be home?" Says its a clear sign and I do other "20 question" things when she goes out or is out.

 

I also do have an opposite gender friend I talk to and dated for like a weekend once. She brought that up.

But this girl means nothing to me. She vents about her BF, I vent about my GF about once a month. She leaves a funny comment every so often on my FB status.

She lives in a state that had an item being sold my GF wanted so she bought and sent it to my GF.

I told my GF "Ill get rid of any woman that bothers you"

She said she didnt care about any of them.

One sent me some racy animated photos (not of her) and sexual explicit joke pictures and I blocked her immediately. My GF didnt care, said she trusted me and blocking the girl was up to me. I said I blocked the girl of of respect. She still shrugged. We dont see it the same. She basically says she doesnt care what others say to me cause she has trust. Me tho...Id be livid and demand her block a guy who did that. She always says to things "Its your choice" when I ask aboit flirty girls and such and what to do or what would make her happy.

Guess we see that waaaay different.

 

I told her tho, no female friend I have is worth losing her over. Is she was the littlest bit insecure theh would be gone.

Edited June 7, 2016 by AidanH

[ExpatInItaly]

There are too many red flags flapping and too much drama. I would be done with her.

 

She has very poor boundaries, and your first clue should have been the fact that she changed his name on her phone to hide this from her friend. That is shady and showed you what kind of person she is.

[Alamo657]

Wow, thats my ex ! Big attention whore who keeps male who have a crush on her around, make some late evening FB activity behind your back after telling "she is tired"... in the end i figured she enjoyed my affection for her, but not enough to close the door to other men.

 

More than a lack of respect, its a crystal clear indicator she's not in love with you. Next !

[PegNosePete]

Yes, I questioned her tell the BF another guy liked his GF. Her friend was irate about this. Theyre friendship was on a downward spiral, the friend had done mean things to my GF in the past and this argument was kind of the final straw for my GF. She hung out with the girl for another month or two and this is the time she changed his name in her phone to hide she still talked to him. Around this time to the BF started informing my GF of all the horrible stuff her friend was and had said behind her back. Basically my GF and her guy-buddy were, and still are, started telling each other the back-stabby things her friend did to both of them (Her friend told people she had MS, her friend told the BF my GF was a selfharmer but she isnt, etc..lots of lies and evil stuff her friend did)

They follow the friend on social-media and start talking/laughing about stuff her (ex)friend does. Like on Facebook now proclaming she is Latino but shes white and such. Or the girl sending her guy buddy 30 emails or begging him for dates.

 

Its like they have a common enemy and they act like two catty women laughing it up or telling each other backstab stuff she did when theyre were a 3 way friendship/friendship

 

I tell her its immature and wierd. I tell her shes playing with fire cause if the (ex)friend ever figures out she changed the name, talked behind her back, still talks to the ex-BF then the girls prob gonna knock on her door and pinch her lights out.

 

She says I have no right or no opinion to comment on this subject. Says I dont know how terrible her friend was to her, dont know the lies she spread behind her back she found out from her guy-buddy.

 

Shes says she dated crazy guys before and its clear Im one. Said a crazy controlling guy once locked her in a bathroom over jealousy. Said my email resembled one a crazy guy sent her once.

 

I told her I have issues with jealousy/territorial..she says it doesnt matter my absolute trust should trump it all.

Says she should be able to have any friend cause my trust should be in her.

 

She even brought up that when she goes out I ask "what time will you be home?" Says its a clear sign and I do other "20 question" things when she goes out or is out.

 

I also do have an opposite gender friend I talk to and dated for like a weekend once. She brought that up.

But this girl means nothing to me. She vents about her BF, I vent about my GF about once a month. She leaves a funny comment every so often on my FB status.

She lives in a state that had an item being sold my GF wanted so she bought and sent it to my GF.

I told my GF "Ill get rid of any woman that bothers you"

She said she didnt care about any of them.

One sent me some racy animated photos (not of her) and sexual explicit joke pictures and I blocked her immediately. My GF didnt care, said she trusted me and blocking the girl was up to me. I said I blocked the girl of of respect. She still shrugged. We dont see it the same. She basically says she doesnt care what others say to me cause she has trust. Me tho...Id be livid and demand her block a guy who did that. She always says to things "Its your choice" when I ask aboit flirty girls and such and what to do or what would make her happy.

Guess we see that waaaay different.

 

I told her tho, no female friend I have is worth losing her over. Is she was the littlest bit insecure theh would be gone.

Sorry, I only skim read all of that and the overwhelming feeling I got from skim reading is that my original post still stands. If you remain with this woman you need your head read. She is manipulating you at every step in order to get her own way, to have her cake and eat it, and to cause drama.

 

You CANNOT win with a person like this. She will twist whatever you say to her advantage and use it against you. The only winning move is not to play her ridiculous immature game any more.

 

Dump her.

Edited June 7, 2016 by PegNosePete

[DKT3]

Gaslighting, this is what she is doing to you. You see signs that something is off here and she attempted to make you feel crazy for it. Maybe she would have more of a stance if you were the only one that saw the signs, but you are not. His ex girlfriend/her friend also saw signs.

 

you are absolutely correct, she has lost one friend already because of this connection with this guy and continues to manipulate you by saying if you have a problem with it it's because you're crazy and controlling.

 

Nothing to save he my friend, she is in deep with this guy and gaslighting the s*** out of you. Pull the plug, it's only downhill from here.

[smackie9]

This girl is addicted to the attention she is getting from this guy long before you met. If she was romantically interested she would be banging him by now, but she is not. She is very emotionally attached in a unhealthy way. She has a problem....she can't let go of it, so now isn't the time to be in a relationship with her. When you breakup with her just tell her that there isn't enough room for the three of ya so you will be parting ways.

 

IMO you both are being used, and she is selfishly trying to juggle the both of you for her purposes only.