Ex girlfriend broke up with me i begged and pleaded (really long story)

[mrsteve921]

An update to this whole mess. So recently ive found out she even cheated on me with the ex. That it wasent my fault, for her getting lazy. "thats just the person she became when she was with me". Its funny she used to go on and on about how cheating is the worst thing you can do so disrespectfull and so on.

 

She told me that, she didnt want to hurt me and was planning on telling me when i had moved on. Yeah right hahaha.

 

How her starting to become lazy, and turning into this person she didnt want to be made her lose her feelings for me. So she decided to cheat on me with her ex and all of the sudden got all her motivation back? I mean i think i mentioned it earlier how i spent 30 min every morning waking her up, was on her constantly to finish her school work, but she didnt want to, or "later".

 

She even blamed me for the cheating. How that night i was out with my friends and was supposed to met her and take the last buss home. But i got so drunk, i got a ride home from a friend. Sent her a text explaining this. She called once but i ended up not noticing it, then texted its cool. ill just sleep at my sisters. Turns out she was already outside and couldnt get back up to her sisters apartment so she decided to go to her ex. Then spending the night there, and sleeping together. Yes totally my fault that happend, she couldnt have tried calling more then once? She knows i sometimes dont notice when people call, and she should understand becouse she is the same.

 

Going on about is it my fault my feelings changed? ofcourse it is isent it? if you want to make things work, and feelings change becouse of outside factors. You atleast try to work on these outside factors before you give up? dont you? Or at the very least talk about the issues and how they can be resolved? Sure one cannot force feelings. But if this really was the case shouldnt you atleast try and work for it so to speak, before you give up? No i want to put my energy on school she said. Which was exactly what she needed to do to atleast try to mend the relationship anyway.

 

How she untill the bitter end spent the entire time, blaming this all on me that i ruined her motivation i made her into this "****tier" person. How she went on about that there was nothing between them. I was at fault for even thinking so low of her.

 

I think she is just justifying her actions with this. Since i pretty much did everything to make her do her things so to speak. Then when she cheats and dumps me she magically gets motvation and all that back?

 

Isent it that she just sat down and basicly said, nope im gonna do all my school work now, and then she did it. It all seems like so much bull****. Since a few weeks ago before i went NC and broke it now for this. She went on how you cant put your motivation on another person, it has to come from oneself.

 

I know its over, i dont even want her back after this, even if she came back how are you supposed to trust someone like that again? I guess what im asking here is for some insight. Am i right to think like this? does my thinking here make sense? Im trying to figure out if im making any sense. Or if im totally clueless how relationships work, since i dont have that much experience. Or am i just being dumb and should accept that she lost her feelings and there was nothing to do about it, it just happens and cant be changed?

Edited June 26, 2016 by mrsteve921

[mrsteve921]

Anyone? cant help but think that she just blames this on me becouse she knows she did wrong. My mean it cant be my fault she lost her motivation while being with me, can it? This was on her wasnt it?

[LD1990]

Everyone is responsible for their own actions in life. Her lack of motivation is her own fault, as is her cheating. If the relationship was so toxic to her, she could've ended it instead of having sex with her ex.

 

You should stop talking to her. You're holding yourself back and wasting your time. She's never going to take responsibility, she'll only try to poison your mind by telling you how everything is your fault. Her thoughts and actions aren't worth your analysis.

[mrsteve921]

Everyone is responsible for their own actions in life. Her lack of motivation is her own fault, as is her cheating. If the relationship was so toxic to her, she could've ended it instead of having sex with her ex.

 

You should stop talking to her. You're holding yourself back and wasting your time. She's never going to take responsibility, she'll only try to poison your mind by telling you how everything is your fault. Her thoughts and actions aren't worth your analysis.

 

Thanks for posting, seems no one wants to be bothered posting in this thread (idk why). Yup honestly after i found this whole thing happend i never want to speak to or see her again. Seriously the lack of taking responsibility for her actions, denying anything going on, at the point saying she got so angry at me a few times becouse i wouldnt accept the fact that she just wanted to focus on school and herself. That i wouldnt drop it that i saw them kissing, haha and when i first confronted her about even being with her ex. She promised on her life that nothing happened that night when i saw them. "we where just friends then" turning it on me that it was my fault she lost her feelings, "its not my fault my feelings change", i cant control them, im helpless to not act on them hahaha. it was my fault she went back to her ex, it was my fault she cheated. She is real piece of work, not at all the person i thought she was. I just cant belive it.

 

The thing is i couldnt help but first think, that maybe i got this all wrong. Im the crazy one here. Just so she could justify her actions to herself. She knew what this did to me, blaming this all on me, she knew exactly what she was doing. How i sunk into a depression becouse i thought i pull people around me down, ruin their lives. I had to go see a therapist becouse of this, which she also knew. Took the therapist two months to make me realise its not my fault, its her responsibility to do her things. Yet even then she wouldnt come out with the truth, that she wanted to ride a new dick. "i promise i was gonna tell you, when you felt better and had moved on" hahaha. Even when i confronted her, she just kept asking who told you this!?, took about 10 minutes before she actually admitted it at all.

 

Im just so angry at the whole situation, and i feel so stupid for ever trusting her, ever trusting a word that came out of her mouth.

 

If i ever see her again it would be too soon.

[bummer]

The thing is i couldnt help but first think, that maybe i got this all wrong. Im the crazy one here. Just so she could justify her actions to herself. She knew what this did to me, blaming this all on me, she knew exactly what she was doing. ...

If i ever see her again it would be too soon.

 

I know this. My ex turned everything bad in her life during our relationship as my blame. She blamed me for her cheating. She flipped a switch and found a good excuse "turning point" for when I drove her away when she actually fell out of love MONTHS AGO and I just tried to limp it along.

 

You are not crazy. I am not crazy. She's crazy. You're a nice good person. She fell out of love when you couldn't save her anymore. Read downtown's thread on BPD. You probably have some codependent tendencies.

 

Stay NC, the more you know, the longer it takes.

 

Believe your last sentence. I can't for my situation yet but i know it's the best for me.

[mrsteve921]

I know this. My ex turned everything bad in her life during our relationship as my blame. She blamed me for her cheating. She flipped a switch and found a good excuse "turning point" for when I drove her away when she actually fell out of love MONTHS AGO and I just tried to limp it along.

 

You are not crazy. I am not crazy. She's crazy. You're a nice good person. She fell out of love when you couldn't save her anymore. Read downtown's thread on BPD. You probably have some codependent tendencies.

 

Stay NC, the more you know, the longer it takes.

 

Believe your last sentence. I can't for my situation yet but i know it's the best for me.

 

Yeah ive read about codependacy after she broke up and i agree, but i cant find downtowns thread about BPD, did he start it? i can only find threads he posted if you could send me a link i would greatly appreciate it

[bummer]

Just read through a few of the threads he posts to and see if anything clicks. He posted extensively on one last week which had many of his talking points in one place.

 

Good luck healing!

[mrsteve921]

Just read through a few of the threads he posts to and see if anything clicks. He posted extensively on one last week which had many of his talking points in one place.

 

Good luck healing!

 

Thanks i appreciate it

 

Also another thing i know how its gonna sound but

 

technically didnt break contact, as in actually contacting her. But i found out a few things today, from a mutual friend so indirect contact i guess? That her parents didnt think very highly of me, becouse atm im 24 years old and live at home and have no job, that she wished she had listened to them, since im never gonna go anywhere in life, that i didnt even bother searching for a job. she also told me while we where still together , after i went on a rant about how i really need to get a job so i can move out, "no she said you are in school, so i dont think you need a job right now, i mean you are already doing something so to speak, maybe she said that just to be nice? idk? she knew how many resumés i sent out, never even got an answer back from anyone. just becouse she sent out 3 resumés, got two interviews and a job.

 

that she is disgusted by me becouse ive been so depressed becouse of this, that "its pathetic and disgusting i was so dependat on her that i wanted to kill myself becouse the first girl i get decides to leave, and be happy, how sick isent that, and how the hell is that my fault that you feel like crap and wanted to kill yourself".

 

Now since the break up i went to see a therapist ive found out ive been depressed on and off for years. I think i went into another slump, when we started smoking again, a few months before she broke up. I think thats the reason i didnt try as hard as i could, i could have tried harder finding a job, by for example going to potential job sites in person, i really could have done better, i admit that. Atleast thats what i think or maybe its true that im just lazy and just trying to justify being lazy to myself?

 

The thing is i cant help but think that she is kinda right about this. I cant tell if shes saying this becouse shes mad, and hopes i hear this to hurt me, or if shes just telling the truth. I guess i cant tell if shes making up more excuses again, or if this actually has some merit you know. I dont understand why im like this, why im so insecure about myself and always belive what other people tell me about myself

 

I kind of want to defend myself and to tell her the reason she made me feel this way, is becouse i thought i brought everyone around me down. That i ruined her motivation. That i ruin the lives of people around me and that i care about. Thats why its her "fault" i felt that way. Not becouse i got depressed becouse of her leaving. But becouse i thought i destroyed her life.

 

i didnt want to hear it but, he told me this is something i need to listen to, something i need to hear. so i cant help but think if there is some merit to this? I mean it still doesent excuse her cheating and lying, but yeah.

Really wish i didnt hear that becouse here i am again, doubting myself, again!

 

my therapist gave me anti-depressants and im slowly feeling better. hopefully getting a job in a few weeks. And finishing school by winter.

 

So got told something i didnt want to hear, unsure about things.

[bummer]

 

my therapist gave me anti-depressants and im slowly feeling better. hopefully getting a job in a few weeks. And finishing school by winter.

 

Focus on this paragraph you wrote. The rest is self doubt and useless. Yes she said those things to make her feel better about the "why" of leaving. Yes there is truth in those words. But they don't define you and neither does she or anytuing else she says. Not before. Not now.

 

You're logic is circular to me If you were depressed first or ruining her or whatever chicken egg nonsense... Just own what you know you did wrong and FORGET the rest. When you accept it it shrinks and no longer ruins your day.

 

Your mutuaĺ friend needs to know you don't want to know. Not a peep. You broke NC but can start again today. Tell him or her to f off and you need to know your boundary and honor it. Stick your fingers in your ears and run away if they start telling you second hand crap.

 

Focus on getting a job and righting your ship.

Edited June 27, 2016 by bummer

[mrsteve921]

Focus on this paragraph you wrote. The rest is self doubt and useless. Yes she said those things to make her feel better about the "why" of leaving. Yes there is truth in those words. But they don't define you and neither does she or anytuing else she says. Not before. Not now.

 

You're logic is circular to me If you were depressed first or ruining her or whatever chicken egg nonsense... Just own what you know you did wrong and FORGET the rest. When you accept it it shrinks and no longer ruins your day.

 

Your mutuaĺ friend needs to know you don't want to know. Not a peep. You broke NC but can start again today. Tell him or her to f off and you need to know your boundary and honor it. Stick your fingers in your ears and run away if they start telling you second hand crap.

 

Focus on getting a job and righting your ship.

You are right you really are, im trying i really am. I really appreciate you taking the time reading, posting and trying to help me out. But the crap just keeps coming, and ive always been unsure of myself. so thats why i have another wall of text here. Maybe this is something i need to talk to my therapist about, but i wont see her untill next week.

 

so she sent a long text today, didnt even know it was her untill i started reading since i deleted her number but when i started i couldnt stop.

 

And its a long one haha with alot of things in it.

She went on about how she didnt tell the truth becouse her sister had also been cheating with her boyfriend, and she talked with him that day, since she apparently had been talking to her sister about breaking up with me, and her sister told him this (i know for a fact that the sister cheated). asking if she should tell me, he told her no, i broke up with your sister, but i wish i never knew she cheated on me. she told me about me being lazy and ruining her becouse she wanted to motivate me to do better. How she didnt expect me to forgive her, and i shouldnt becouse what she did and said was very very mean and messed up. Just that i should know that she truly feels ashamed of herself for how this entire situation played out.

 

How her falling out with her parents was becouse of that they dident accept me, that she could do better, someone closer to her age(i think atleast the age thing might have some merit, i mean 18 and 23 i had thoughts about this but they really didnt come up when we spent time together and with time they dissapered all together, but i think she might have been to young for me), not unemployed and living with his parents. That they thought i was a good person, just not someone she should be with. Apparently she had to defend me all the time untill she got sick and tired of it, and started to resent them for the things they said about me and decided to move here. What she told me at the time was how her mom had forced her to do everything in the house, while she sat at home playing sims, how that caused an argument ending with her mother telling her she was throwing out all her things. I saw the texts her dad sent her a day later, about how sorry her mom was even though, that he knows how she can be sometimes, but that my ex should know they love her, and they miss her and want her to come home. I actually told her she really needs to talk to them, pestering her about it for days, how she needs to sort it out, talk with them, that this isent right. She finally told me she did but started to spend more and more time here. Told her this later i dont feel comfortable with her living here becouse she is upset with her parents. Told me her older sister also moved out at 18 becouse of the falling out with her parents. How many of her sisters and brothers she had (6) only one of them stayed longer then 18. So i belived this at the time. they seemed to get along better again even though in the end she ended up practicly living here.

 

That she didnt want to go back to her parents becouse of the things they said about me, but when her sisters boyfriend broke up with her and she was alone she had somewhere to go, even though they had a spare bedroom the entire time? She even told me how her sister used to try and talk her into spending the night there, but she didnt want to she wanted to come back to me. Cant remember if she still said these things the last couple of months though hmm. Though sometimes towards the end when i think about it when i went out with friends for example and she didnt want to come, she seemed almost excited like telling me i should go i can just go spend the night at my sisters. I guess she didnt want to live there becouse she didnt have a job atm and couldnt pay rent there? (she got her job a few days before she broke up with me)?

 

That the plan was to break up with me before this happened, that it was really hard, that she saw her cheating as a way out, that forced her to leave me. how she knew i dident notice all the attempts she tried to break up (surely she could have just said "i want to break up") Also how she lost her lost her sexdrive becouse she lost her feelings, shortly after new years (broke up in the beginning of april) (we had sex around once a week), id say she initiated it about 30-40. maybe even 50% of the times. but that had been normal before she even moved in here, she even said she knew i didnt notice her crying while we did it towards the end (!?). I truly did not notice that and if its true thats really messed up from my part. I knew that she did it only once atleast from what i noticed/knew , i asked her about it, whats going on?, am i doing something wrong? do you want me to do something differently? tell me what you like? and she told me shes just wasent in the mood, but jumped me 30 mins later(?) the day after she told its becouse she was stressed that she got lazy, unmotivated, migraines, becouse of her stress with school, how she felt that she didnt like the school she went to, didnt like her classmates, dident feel comfortable and did not enjoy this school she was going to, how she regrets leaving the previous school she went to for this one(she left her last school during last summer break) and so on, so i thought thats why she had these migraines, and was unmotivated and all that. that apparently all stopped after she broke up becouse she was living with a person she didnt want to be with. How she gave up her family for me and now regrets that decision, becouse of all the nasty things ive said and ive said some very nasty things i know that. But i knew she had migraines, and a low sex drive before all of this she lost her feelings, maybe that was becouse of the arguments with her parents and all that stress?

Now this doesent excuse the cheating or the lies, i know that but i do kinda feel awful if this is the case, feels like i forced myself upon her towards the end.

 

I have not answered her yet and i dont know if i should. But im rather confused about this text haha. If there is any merit to this i really need to improve my ability to sense peoples emotions and try to talk to them about it. I know i have always been not very good at this things, i thought everything was fine becouse i thought she would tell me if she felt she wasent happy in the relationship. I thought that since she didnt tell me and i was happy everything was fine. Maybe it was arrogant of me to assume that becouse everything was working for me, everything was fine for her. Not becouse it matters so much what she thinks of me but becouse i cant ever be in a healthy relationship if im truly like this.

 

I understand your last post i really do, dont think im just ignoring what your saying I shouldnt listen to what she tells me about me. That i know myself better. the thing is i know ive always been bad about this things, reading other people and reading between the lines so to speak. thats why im asking if this is making any sense? Or maybe im just overanalyzing abunch of reasons and "whys" she tries to make up to explain why this whole thing happend?

Edited June 28, 2016 by mrsteve921

[bummer]

That the plan was to break up with me before this happened, that it was really hard, that she saw her cheating as a way out, that forced her to leave me. how she knew i dident notice all the attempts she tried to break up (surely she could have just said "i want to break up") Also how she lost her lost her sexdrive becouse she lost her feelings, shortly after new years

 

so on, so i thought thats why she had these migraines, and was unmotivated and all that. that apparently all stopped after she broke up becouse she was living with a person she didnt want to be with. How she gave up her family for me and now regrets that decision, becouse of all the nasty things ive said and ive said some very nasty things i know that. But i knew she had migraines, and a low sex drive before all of this she lost her feelings, maybe that was becouse of the arguments with her parents and all that stress?

Now this doesent excuse the cheating or the lies, i know that but i do kinda feel awful if this is the case, feels like i forced myself upon her towards the end.

...

 

I have not answered her yet and i dont know if i should. But im rather confused about this text haha. If there is any merit to this i really need to improve my ability to sense peoples emotions and try to talk to them about it. I know i have always been not very good at this things, i thought everything was fine becouse i thought she would tell me if she felt she wasent happy in the relationship. I thought that since she didnt tell me and i was happy everything was fine. Maybe it was arrogant of me to assume that becouse everything was working for me, everything was fine for her. Not becouse it matters so much what she thinks of me but becouse i cant ever be in a healthy relationship if im truly like this.

 

.... thats why im asking if this is making any sense? Or maybe im just overanalyzing abunch of reasons and "whys" she tries to make up to explain why this whole thing happend?

 

It makes good sense. I think there is honesty in her response. I also do think you are over analysing. Take it for face value. I clipped parts I thought were important above.

 

Look, you can reflect and rationalize for months to come. What's obvious to an outsider is your relationship ran its course. She fell out of love and it was painfully stressful for her to break up with you making migraines and depression worse. Toss in a disaproving family and she resented your very breath by the end. Like my situation, cheating on her part was a failed attempt to push you away. You kept pursuing until it completely unravelled.

 

you are young. This was a great learning experience. Fix the things you know you can and get over this girl. Some truths are in her answers but sometime soon you just have to accept its over and she doesn't love you and there is no reason or need for a reason. That's the start of acceptance and indifference.

[mrsteve921]

It makes good sense. I think there is honesty in her response. I also do think you are over analysing. Take it for face value. I clipped parts I thought were important above.

 

Look, you can reflect and rationalize for months to come. What's obvious to an outsider is your relationship ran its course. She fell out of love and it was painfully stressful for her to break up with you making migraines and depression worse. Toss in a disaproving family and she resented your very breath by the end. Like my situation, cheating on her part was a failed attempt to push you away. You kept pursuing until it completely unravelled.

 

you are young. This was a great learning experience. Fix the things you know you can and get over this girl. Some truths are in her answers but sometime soon you just have to accept its over and she doesn't love you and there is no reason or need for a reason. That's the start of acceptance and indifference.

 

Yeah i know its over and all that. Its just that with all of this that came out at the end. That i feel like i want to realise what i could have done differently NOT to win her back or anything, since even if she would came back in say a month or whatever telling me how she made a mistake, she loves me and so on. It still wouldnt work since even after all of this she still cheated, and it would always be in the back of my head, so trusting her would be hard, maybe even impossible and without trust its never gonna work anyway. I know how it sounds, sure does it still hurt sometimes? yes, but truly i dont want her back anymore. But she still a human being, and one cant help to feel guilty for my part in all of this, that all of this happend, not the cheating but, the stress this caused towards the end, the broken relation with her family.

 

What i do know i need to fix is that i need to find a job, get my life, sorted, move out, own my own home. The thing im not sure about if this was something the other person is supposed to communicate to me. or if i need to be more " in tune" with other peoples emotions, if i should be able to sense this things, sense that things are starting go wrong and try to bring them up i guess. Or maybe its abit of both?

 

Becouse the way she said all of this it seems i was totally oblivious to the obvious. Maybe she exagerated things becouse she probably is hurt to for all the things i said. So im unsure. Thats the problem. but i think i need to be more what do you call it? "girly" almost, you know? whats on your mind? what are you thinking about? is everything okay? those kinda things, but it seems like to me honestly people should be able to tell their partner feelings are dwindling?

 

i also think about what to think of in the future, how to improve myself in this department, i mean if she wouldnt have told me this i would have had no idea, that she was losing her feelings over the last few months even, and i didnt even notice anything at all. This is something i need to work on i think? it could also be it seems so obvious becouse she told this from her point of view

Though i think she also needs to work on her communication skills?, since i had no idea, maybe it was becouse i was so clueless about the whole thing, thats maybe atleast partly why it was so hard for her to break up. Just being my naive self thinking everything was fine and dandy.

 

Also i feel really really bad, feels like i forced myself on her, and i messed up her relationship with her parents, al though she should be able to forgive them right?, i mean it was eight months ago this happend.

One last thing, it was a mistake getting involved with someone so young wasent it? as i said i was worried about this when when i first started seeing her, but honestly didnt have those thoughts when i spent time with her, and slowly dissapered all together.

Edited June 28, 2016 by mrsteve921

[bummer]

Yeah i know its over and all that. Its just that with all of this that came out at the end. That i feel like i want to realise what i could have done differently

what you can do differently for the future. You were you then, not you now with what you know. You would have delayed the end by months maybe but there's way too much here and you two were so young it would have failed.

 

What i do know i need to fix is that i need to find a job, get my life, sorted, move out, own my own home.

only this. All the rest of this post is irrelevant. Just focus all this energy thinking about her and the failed relationship and get a job. Focus.

 

thing im not sure about if this was something the other person is supposed to communicate to me. or if i need to be more " in tune" with other peoples emotions, if i should be able to sense this things, sense that things are starting go wrong and try to bring them up i guess. Or maybe its abit of both?

 

Both. I swear I've never been more empathetic or in tune with emotions since the hurt of my breakup. I'm 29. I still suck at communication. I missed 6 months of warning signs she was detaching from me.

 

Dont be girly, be aware. Dont be needy and require constant assurance either. Its a balance. Two young people? the worst communication ever. Just learn. As for both of you, the hurt the guilt and the desire not to hurt translates into her not saying she's losing it and you not being open enough to see it and work her through it. Again, these are future skills. Nothing could have stopped the end of your first romance.

 

Also i feel really really bad, feels like i forced myself on her, and i messed up her relationship with her parents, al though she should be able to forgive them right?, i mean it was eight months ago this happend.

One last thing, it was a mistake getting involved with someone so young wasent it? as i said i was worried about this when when i first started seeing her, but honestly didnt have those thoughts when i spent time with her, and slowly dissapered all together.

 

Her relationship with her parents is hers. Forget it.

 

No mistake with a young girl. My girl was younger and the way it ended showed her inexperience. Still fun.

 

Listen, this text has tailspun your poor mind into a world of self doubt shame guilt and misery. The exact opposite from what we want. Know you have some knowledge. Good. But now you want to play the whatif game which will crush you if you don't stop it. You were you then. You are you now. Anything you think about think about in terms of the future girl and how you'll improve empathy and communication. Know your boundaries and respect them. Etc.

 

GO FIND A JOB.

[mrsteve921]

what you can do differently for the future. You were you then, not you now with what you know. You would have delayed the end by months maybe but there's way too much here and you two were so young it would have failed.

 

 

only this. All the rest of this post is irrelevant. Just focus all this energy thinking about her and the failed relationship and get a job. Focus.

 

 

 

Both. I swear I've never been more empathetic or in tune with emotions since the hurt of my breakup. I'm 29. I still suck at communication. I missed 6 months of warning signs she was detaching from me.

 

Dont be girly, be aware. Dont be needy and require constant assurance either. Its a balance. Two young people? the worst communication ever. Just learn. As for both of you, the hurt the guilt and the desire not to hurt translates into her not saying she's losing it and you not being open enough to see it and work her through it. Again, these are future skills. Nothing could have stopped the end of your first romance.

 

 

 

Her relationship with her parents is hers. Forget it.

 

No mistake with a young girl. My girl was younger and the way it ended showed her inexperience. Still fun.

 

Listen, this text has tailspun your poor mind into a world of self doubt shame guilt and misery. The exact opposite from what we want. Know you have some knowledge. Good. But now you want to play the whatif game which will crush you if you don't stop it. You were you then. You are you now. Anything you think about think about in terms of the future girl and how you'll improve empathy and communication. Know your boundaries and respect them. Etc.

 

GO FIND A JOB.

 

Yeah good day today, Got a call got a summerjob atleast, and might have another one lined up for after the summer, so that feels good. Dont think about her as much anymore, after the good news i still get the urge to contact her and tell her about it. Still get Waves of pain sometimes, that she shes gone, moved on, with someone else but its not nearly as bad as it used to be, ah well.

 

Maybe it would have ended no matter what i did, later, earlier or whatever, i think the infatuation just ended and after that nothing else developed.

 

A shame though we spent the last months being so passive, basicly spending the free time when we wherent studying, playing video games, watching tv etc.

 

I realised today also that i told her very early in the relationship, "listen im usely kinda clueless about things if there is a problem you are gonna need to say it right out and be clear about it. Becouse otherwise i might not understand what you meant, or that there is a problem, so please if you feel something is up you have to be straightfoward, i wont notice hints"

 

So i mean. What could i do?

 

Since being active, trying new things and spice things up are important to not make it feel boring and in a rut and all. Not making everything a routine, even when we went out to dinner, or out for a drink became a routine, same place for dinner, same place we went out mostly. Sure this might not have made it "work" just delayed the break up i think?

 

I thought there was plenty of time, lets do a bunch of stuff in the summer xD , we both didnt like the cold and just spending our free time "relaxing" if you know what i mean so i thought it was fine.

 

We did however go on a trip for new years for a week, skiing, apparently she had felt happier then before while we where there. So i think maybe we started spending to much time together to soon. Didnt do many "activites" if you will. I dont know if that would have made any difference, probably not in the end.

 

I guess these are good things to keep in mind, so i dont make the same mistakes in the future.

 

I dont know if any of this matters, feels good to have an outlet for all these thoughts i guess? better this then doing something stupid. Especially better then trying to reach out to her, for whatever stupid reason i might come up with in the moment.

[bummer]

A shame though we spent the last months being so passive, basicly spending the free time when we wherent studying, playing video games, watching tv etc.

...

even when we went out to dinner, or out for a drink became a routine, same place for dinner, same place we went out mostly. Sure this might not have made it "work" just delayed the break up i think?

 

First? Congrats on the job. Well done!

 

Perhaps your next girl will love relaxing and watching tv and going to the same places. That would be a win.

 

In general, young women like a man to take charge and plan fun things as I'm sure you know. Easier said than done. I think if you think your life is interesting and you have fun activities, you can find someone compatible to share. Maybe take this time alone to find a hobby not in front of a t.v.?

 

Yes, if you did everything right, I still believe eventually she would have left you. Call it fate or whatever but I feel when a relationship ends it wasn't all one person's fault. Ever. She left, that was her action.

 

I thought there was plenty of time.

This phrase kills me. I still think this about my ex. I thought we had years to still explore before it may have ended. Oh well.

[mrsteve921]

First? Congrats on the job. Well done!

 

Perhaps your next girl will love relaxing and watching tv and going to the same places. That would be a win.

 

In general, young women like a man to take charge and plan fun things as I'm sure you know. Easier said than done. I think if you think your life is interesting and you have fun activities, you can find someone compatible to share. Maybe take this time alone to find a hobby not in front of a t.v.?

 

Yes, if you did everything right, I still believe eventually she would have left you. Call it fate or whatever but I feel when a relationship ends it wasn't all one person's fault. Ever. She left, that was her action.

 

 

This phrase kills me. I still think this about my ex. I thought we had years to still explore before it may have ended. Oh well.

 

Thats the thing though , i thought she wanted to do those things, and that we where compatible in that sense. She always used to say "i cant wait for the weekend, its gonna be so nice to just be able to relax and laze around".

"this weekend i dont wanna do anything just stay at home and cuddle"

Asked her hey you wanna go do something this weekend? "nah just wanna do nothing, dont even wanna go outside at all"

 

Things like that, thinking back i dont think she communicated much at all, especially how she felt about things. She talked about how she tried to break up so many times, yet still looked for apartments to move in together?

If i went out to do something during the day while she was there, she always went on about how i need to hurry home, though i know she was kinda uncomfortable living here the entire time, didnt want to shower when my parents where home becouse it felt "rude", didnt ever say no to them etc. At the time i just thought she missed me, and wanted me to return home as soon as possible.

 

Taging me in a bunch of things about girlfriend/boyfriend stuff on facebook.

Writing posts about what a great boyfriend i was 2-3 weeks before she broke up? Hard for me to know that she wanted to break up all this time. Again im starting to think, she is just backwards rationalizing her cheating, trying to tell me and herself, that its okay what she did becouse of the situation, This relationship she is now is probably a rebound though.

Sure in the end i cant read her mind so maybe she was telling the truth. I know though she talked with her sister about breaking up with me the day before she cheated. Feels to me that she got infatuated with her ex, realised she didnt feel the same thing for me, went to him when she realised he wanted her to.

 

She also used to say how much her parents loved me, that they would get mad at her when for example i left their home once in a rush and didnt have time to eat breakfast for not making sure i left with something to eat. How happy she was that they accepted me, even though i was alot older. I think she just said that becouse i told her my parents wherent happy with her, becouse they knew what was going on, but she didnt want to tell the truth and blamed it all on me instead, blamed me for ruining her life and such, made them mad since i believed her and took it all on, making me depressed as hell even though they tried to convince me that those things where her own fault. Sounds kinda childish as hell typing it out but ah well.

 

In the end thats what my gut says about this, just as my gut said that she was with her ex, that i saw them kissing that night, that there was something going on between them from the very start, that she got GIGS but i trusted her words instead my gut feelings. Not excusing everything happend becouse of GIGS, i mean i probably made alot of mistakes during the relationship. Just trying to say, that maybe that last text she sent was more about clearing her concience and making her feel better by twisting the truth, to make her look like the good guy, to me and herself.

 

 

In the end maybe im just the one backwards rationalizing things haha, giving myself excuses for not noticing that she was drifting away, losing her feelings. Not noticing the red flags, the signs. Perhaps its both.

Maybe its me just not wanting to accept that i wasent good for her, maybe i just dont want to accept i or the relationship if you will, caused all this stress for her just becouse things where swell for me.

 

Maybe im just overanalyzing again, i know i have a tendency to do that.

 

Since she was very stressed, migraines, which went away after she broke up with me. Sure she didnt get any of that when we went for our trip during new years, a place and time where she was happier, she didnt remember how she felt before that. Sure might be becouse she finally sorted school, who knows, or becouse of me, or perhaps both again.

 

I shouldnt care, i should just let it all go. If im right/wrong it wont change anything. All it changes is what went wrong with us, what really happend there, what she is lying about and whats shes telling truthfully. Even if all im saying is true. She still didnt want to try and work it out, cant have a relationship only one wants

 

 

The time thing is the worst though, but thats what we get for taking them for granted, thinking they will always be around i guess. Not even having it cross our mind they might leave, they might not be happy

 

Well atleast its good to type these things out, helps ive noticed. Wont eat up as much of your thoughts and energi after you type it. Perhaps one should get a diary

 

But atleast in these places you can get different perspectives on things to, which can be very useful

[Ensam]

I've acted somewhat desperate once. It was with the first girl I was seeing and some deeper feelings had evolved between us before I, much like you, was left with a lot of excuses and lies that made little sense as to why she wanted to break things off. For maybe a weeks time I was very off from my usual self and constantly trying to get in touch with her, apologizing for myself, pleading with her a few times to take me back and so on. Not exactly my proudest moment in retrospect but it taught me a lesson for life. That some people we are just better off without.

 

That last sentences are what worries me in your case because reading your posts, I don't really feel like you've learned anything from this. You're still trying to analyze where you went wrong and what you should improve for your next relationship. It's very well possible you could have done things in a different and better way in this relationship. I wouldn't know. But assuming you are being honest here, ultimately it wasn't you that brought about the end of this relationship. It was her. And she did so in the ****tiest of ways, by cheating and lying instead of being honest and straight about wanting out of the relationship. It's not your job to constantly be analyzing your partner and doing a lot of guesswork to try & cater to all of her whims. It's her own responsibility to tell you what she wants and needs or if she is unhappy with something. What you possibly could have done better here doesn't even come close to the things she did wrong.

 

So I don't know what it takes for you to get some self-respect and (as much as I hate this phrase), "man up". Her lying to your face and kissing another guy didn't seem to do it. Her ridiculing you and putting the blame on you shortly after it ended didn't seem to do it. Would you even have gotten mad if she had banged another guy right in front of you or would you have sat down to analyze whether it could possibly be justified because you didn't do everything right in your relationship? I know this sounds harsh. I'm not out to hurt you or criticize you too much but you need a wake up call because you're going to get completely ran over in any subsequent relationship unless you radically change the way you look at yourself. Just some basic self esteem and respect for yourself would have drastically altered how you handled this breakup in a positive way.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Ensam

[mrsteve921]

I've acted somewhat desperate once. It was with the first girl I was seeing and some deeper feelings had evolved between us before I, much like you, was left with a lot of excuses and lies that made little sense as to why she wanted to break things off. For maybe a weeks time I was very off from my usual self and constantly trying to get in touch with her, apologizing for myself, pleading with her a few times to take me back and so on. Not exactly my proudest moment in retrospect but it taught me a lesson for life. That some people we are just better off without.

 

That last sentences are what worries me in your case because reading your posts, I don't really feel like you've learned anything from this. You're still trying to analyze where you went wrong and what you should improve for your next relationship. It's very well possible you could have done things in a different and better way in this relationship. I wouldn't know. But assuming you are being honest here, ultimately it wasn't you that brought about the end of this relationship. It was her. And she did so in the ****tiest of ways, by cheating and lying instead of being honest and straight about wanting out of the relationship. It's not your job to constantly be analyzing your partner and doing a lot of guesswork to try & cater to all of her whims. It's her own responsibility to tell you what she wants and needs or if she is unhappy with something. What you possibly could have done better here doesn't even come close to the things she did wrong.

 

So I don't know what it takes for you to get some self-respect and (as much as I hate this phrase), "man up". Her lying to your face and kissing another guy didn't seem to do it. Her ridiculing you and putting the blame on you shortly after it ended didn't seem to do it. Would you even have gotten mad if she had banged another guy right in front of you or would you have sat down to analyze whether it could possibly be justified because you didn't do everything right in your relationship? I know this sounds harsh. I'm not out to hurt you or criticize you too much but you need a wake up call because you're going to get completely ran over in any subsequent relationship unless you radically change the way you look at yourself. Just some basic self esteem and respect for yourself would have drastically altered how you handled this breakup in a positive way.

 

See this is good, this i needed to hear this, your totally right, im still analyzing this to figure out where i did wrong, when in the end she messed this up. I cant know what she wants if she doesent tell me. She needs to tell me. She cant blame this on me for not picking up on her hints.

 

Not my job to figure out exactly what she wants by only vague hints.

Im not a mindreader, perhaps my therapist was right about her, that shes really immature, Doesent take responsibility for any of her actions, becouse everything is someone else fault. I did this becouse you did that, if you hadnt been like this, that wouldnt have happened etc.

 

I think though partly this analyzing is also trying to figure out if this was the actual truth, or just more lies to cover up her actions, excuses. If it was still all crap, basicly she got GIGS if you will. Getting bored and wanted a new guy, so she knows what she did was wrong, leaving me me by cheating and lying about the whole thing, putting it all on me. So shes making up a bunch of reasons to why she did this. Becouse she knows what she did is messed up, she knows how good i was to her, how well i treated her. That i didnt deserve this. i guess what im trying to say is if she actually feels guilty at all, or if shes just making up more excuses. If she had a thing for him, kept me strung along while not being sure he wanted her to, and leaving me, running to him when she realised he did.

 

I dont even know why i wanna figure out if this is all lies too, or the actual truth.

 

Maybe its just ego that i dont wanna admit that she just feel out of love and just lost her feelings for me over time, that it wasent becouse i did something wrong, but she just was just an asshat. Maybe its my ego, "surely i was so great so it couldnt be she just didnt have any feelings for me anymore, but i had to have done something wrong for her to leave, that her parents didnt like oh so great me". Still doesent excuse the cheating,lying or the whole situation really. Thats still really messed up. And a very douchy move.

 

I really dont want to be run over in a new relationship, no thank you. Especially dont wanna go through a similiar thing like this.

 

So thank you for that, this is what i needed. In the end sure i could have done things differently maybe, but it wouldnt have mattered. In the end i should be glad its over, becouse she showed her true colours. I deserve better then her. One day karma will bite her in the ass. Maybe then she will realise just what kinda ****ed up things she did here.

Edited June 30, 2016 by mrsteve921

[elaine567]

Three short words...

 

Let it go.

[bummer]

I dont even know why i wanna figure out if this is all lies too, or the actual truth.

 

 

I deserve better then her. One day karma will bite her in the ass. Maybe then she will realise just what kinda ****ed up things she did here.

 

Grieve and rationalize and stew over the same questions as long as you like. No need to wait for replies, just keep typing. You want answers and your brain will feed you lots of them.

 

If you want to stay in this infinite loop, fine, blow a few more months or years rationalizing. We will listen.

 

When you're ready, start stepping back and let it go. More statements like above will help. Work on your self esteem and make your life interesting before looking for a new girl.

[mrsteve921]

Grieve and rationalize and stew over the same questions as long as you like. No need to wait for replies, just keep typing. You want answers and your brain will feed you lots of them.

 

If you want to stay in this infinite loop, fine, blow a few more months or years rationalizing. We will listen.

 

When you're ready, start stepping back and let it go. More statements like above will help. Work on your self esteem and make your life interesting before looking for a new girl.

 

Fair enough just let go, not the easiest thing to do but. thats what needs to be done. Becouse if i keep rationalizing, thinking about it, ill just keep feeding myself with answers which leads to more questions? So what i need to do is just stop giving a ****. Man i should pay this site instead of paying my therapist..

[bummer]

Fair enough just let go, not the easiest thing to do but. thats what needs to be done. Becouse if i keep rationalizing, thinking about it, ill just keep feeding myself with answers which leads to more questions? So what i need to do is just stop giving a ****. Man i should pay this site instead of paying my therapist..

 

You got it. If you read basic cognitive behavioural therapy you'll understand the method. It's as if you had a book in hand and put it right in front of your eyes effectively blinding you. You can think think think about the book and keep it in your face but it doesn't let you deal with the rest of the world. By putting the book down, knowing it's there, you can manage it and still see the world. Same with your obsessions. I'm no shrink though.

 

Stop caring about what you cannot fix i.e. the past. Fix what you can. Grieve, and write us when that fails.

Edited June 30, 2016 by bummer

[mrsteve921]

Here you have it folks another huge venting post

 

So got a text yesterday and decided to reply, perhaps not the wisest move really (4 days NC, im truly terrible at this). Was about nothing really, but we soon came into the subject of "us". I dont know if people read my previous post. But basicly shes been giving me bull**** excuses the entire time, blaming it all on me and alot of other things, and i called her out on all of it.

 

Today i think she finally told me the real truth. Apperently she never got over her ex. Dreamed of him all the time, more the later into the relationship we went, she thought she just missed him, she thought it was just becouse of he was her first love. But after they met on that cruise she realised that there was alot more there.

 

Also the way i was, slacking with my things, not trying hard enough to find a job, create a future for me/us didnt help, and probably had a negative impact on her feelings for me too. Also the weed smoking wasent healthy for us she said (to which i totally agree), she never wants to get involved with it again, feel alitle bad about it, sure she wanted to smoke to, but it was through my connections we got it (one cant help to think it would be different also if we didnt do that, but probably not becouse of the inlove with ex thing) it made me even more lazy, which is a shame and something i regret. all of this made her tired of the relationship, of me. When she gets tired of the relationship she tries to find someone else.

 

that from the start she did want to try again later, when we where both older, more mature and when i had my life in order but thats probably just for her own comfort, even though my own struggles, i treated her so well. IF she wanted to try in a few years, why jump into a new relationship with someone she loved now while wanting a future with someone else?

 

Now i realise i could have lived the perfect life, and it would have ended the same way, perhaps just later since she was still in love with her ex. That wouldnt have changed no matter how hard i tried to create a future, or how perfect my life was.

 

How they got together becouse they went NC straight away and just moved on (obviously they didnt though since they got back together hehe). Also she was the one who wanted to keep in contact from the beginning "so we wouldnt "lose eachother" Maybe she truly felt like she did want to try again later at the time. Though it seems very strange to think like that, while at the same time jump ship to the one you love, while wanting/hoping for a future later with someone else

 

I realise its not right being a second choice, or all the things she did and said. I should laugh at the notion of wanting try again in the future, since she didnt even try to communicate the issues, or the fact that she cheated and went back to her ex, maybe thats why she tried so hard to hide all of this from me. that she was tired of the constant "nagging" she had to do, and she just got sick of it basicly.

 

I dont know how to feel about this really, on one side i feel ashamed for not just going nc straight away and just how poorly i handled the whole thing, and dissapointed in myself becouse if i would have just done this, things could have worked out (which in the end probably isent true. That if i just handled the entire thing like nocontact preaches, ignore, hit the gym and focus on yourself, dont try to stay in contact and all that. then maybe it would all have sorted itself in a year or two, see if we could reconnect then or something. Since all this that has been going on for the last few months really made her sick of me and no longer feels anything for me.

 

But at the same time, running back to her ex becouse she still had feelings for him, but still wanting a future with me and wanting to try again in the future if those feelings went for her ex went away isent right either, and kinda makes me angry.

 

That maybe if i just went NC, focused on my stuff, things would have worked out in the future. But at the same time i feel like thats just a dream. That even though if i did everything "right" after the break up, we wouldnt have reconnected anyway. I shouldnt even want to reconnect anyway.

I cant shake this feeling that if i just did the healthy thing and gone no contact and focus on myself we could have reconnect in a few years, when everything is in order and we both moved on from this. But at the same time it feels kinda crazy to love someone but wanting a future with someone else xD

 

The last talk was atleast amicable, or so i think hard to say if she was pissed or something else over text. Thanked her for finally coming clean, that this was helped me realise issues i need to improve on, said goodbye, she wished me luck on these things and said goodbye.

 

In the end what i really need to do, is just move on i guess, and just dont worry if i messed up the future, by being so persistant and pressuring her, if its meant to be it will be, and if i could move past it all and forget what the cheating and be able to trust her, and thats a big IF. I just need to believe these words i guess, stop forcing anything, and just see what happens in the future. I Just wish she would have told me all of this from the start. Would have been easier for both i think. Maybe not the future thing, but atleast the feelings for her ex. But i shouldnt want this, any kind of reconciliation, since she still in the ended up cheating.

 

the problem is now i want to write her one last thing and just tell her maybe we can be friends in a few years, when ive moved past it all, and youve moved past the way i dealt with this whole thing, but i shouldnt since if i send this "last" text i will just send a new one again, and again.

[mrsteve921]

The truth is she never loved me, sure she might have liked me. But she never loved me like i loved her.

 

But the truth is if you love someone you tell them about these issues, how she felt i need to do better if we are to have a future, how things needs to change. You are willing stand by your partner. To work through the issues together. You dont just ignore everything and run away. Even when i later found out she cheated, if she where to come back, i would have tried to make it work. To work through this, why? becouse i love her and would try to work through anything that life throws at us. This is what you do for someone you love.

 

She never did this she just layed it all out as the "reasons" for dumping me. The truth is she never loved me like i loved her, she didnt want to live at home so she used me to get out of there, she used me to try and get over her ex. She used me to not feel what im feeling right now. Perhaps she will be back when her ex dumps her again. Im terrified of that day, terrified she will come back and i wont be able to resist.

 

But thats when i need to remember this, and that she never loved me at all, she just used me