Catherine90 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Hi, I have been married 4 years (together for 10) and am so close to separating from my husband and I don't know what to do. I would ideally like us to be able to talk things through and work together to improve our marriage, but every time we discuss any issues it either results in him laughing it off, or results in an argument where everything is turned on me. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to try. I've suggested marriage counselling but he isn't willing to try it as he thinks it's all my fault so doesn't see why he should go to it, and has actually told me "there's nothing wrong in our marriage - it's all in your head and you need to see a psychologist". Our marriage hasn't been great for the last year or so, and he regularly gets verbally aggressive and belittles me. He also recently quit his job and we are currently living off my income alone which has increased the pressure on our relationship. What can I do if he won't talk things through with me, and also won't talk things through with a counsellor? I can't carry on living in this sort of marriage, I'd like to make things work but I can't do it on my own. Any advice will be welcome 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 He's using the classic tactic that abusers use. He re-writes history and expects you to believe it. I'm guessing that filing for divorce might wake him up. Seriously you need to get out of this marriage if you're that miserable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It sounds like you have three options: 1. Continue the way you are (unsustainable and unworkable, you've already admitted). 2. File for divorce and walk away (not unreasonable, given your level of unhappiness). or 3. Tell him you want him to go to marriage counseling with you because you are so unhappy you are considering divorce as an option. I would opt for Choice #3 and if that doesn't wake him up to the reality that he has to work to make his marriage better, then I'd move on with the D. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It sounds like you have three options: 1. Continue the way you are (unsustainable and unworkable, you've already admitted). 2. File for divorce and walk away (not unreasonable, given your level of unhappiness). or 3. Tell him you want him to go to marriage counseling with you because you are so unhappy you are considering divorce as an option. I would opt for Choice #3 and if that doesn't wake him up to the reality that he has to work to make his marriage better, then I'd move on with the D. Good luck! ^^^ This ^^^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catherine90 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 Thanks all Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 If only more people who were not happy in marriage considered going to counciling this world might be a happier place. He should be grateful you don't leave him behind in your dust. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Check your phone bill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 It sounds like you have three options: 1. Continue the way you are (unsustainable and unworkable, you've already admitted). 2. File for divorce and walk away (not unreasonable, given your level of unhappiness). or 3. Tell him you want him to go to marriage counseling with you because you are so unhappy you are considering divorce as an option. I would opt for Choice #3 and if that doesn't wake him up to the reality that he has to work to make his marriage better, then I'd move on with the D. Good luck! KB....great advice here and I'd like to add one more....many counselors will also see an individual as the patient of focus and then later bring in the spouse to "help the patient" in the issue. Thus involving the reluctant spouse in a non-threatening way. She also could go see the therapist to help her determine a healthy path to move forward with or without her spouse. Thus, basically helping her to see the situation objectively. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Hi, I have been married 4 years (together for 10) and am so close to separating from my husband and I don't know what to do. I would ideally like us to be able to talk things through and work together to improve our marriage, but every time we discuss any issues it either results in him laughing it off, or results in an argument where everything is turned on me. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to try. I've suggested marriage counselling but he isn't willing to try it as he thinks it's all my fault so doesn't see why he should go to it, and has actually told me "there's nothing wrong in our marriage - it's all in your head and you need to see a psychologist". Our marriage hasn't been great for the last year or so, and he regularly gets verbally aggressive and belittles me. He also recently quit his job and we are currently living off my income alone which has increased the pressure on our relationship. What can I do if he won't talk things through with me, and also won't talk things through with a counsellor? I can't carry on living in this sort of marriage, I'd like to make things work but I can't do it on my own. Any advice will be welcome Sorry to hear this. You say that your marriage has been on the rocks on the last year or so. Can you pin-point an incident or event that may have contributed to this downturn? He wasn't happy with his job, perhaps? You say he blames you, but then says there's nothing wrong with the marriage. You don't give details to why the marriage is on the rocks...is it that you argue about ANY issue or only when you talk about the marriage not being in a good place? Anyway, we only have your side of the story and provided that your husband is not willing to see a counselor, I would do as suggested. Tell him you'd like to see one together b/c you are considering a divorce. I would also contemplate seeing one on your own and getting guidance from the counselor. A divorce may be the final straw, but there is also the option of a separation. May the time away from each other will give greater clarity. This option does pose some additional problems. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Hi, I have been married 4 years (together for 10) and am so close to separating from my husband and I don't know what to do. I would ideally like us to be able to talk things through and work together to improve our marriage, but every time we discuss any issues it either results in him laughing it off, or results in an argument where everything is turned on me. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to try. I've suggested marriage counselling but he isn't willing to try it as he thinks it's all my fault so doesn't see why he should go to it, and has actually told me "there's nothing wrong in our marriage - it's all in your head and you need to see a psychologist". Our marriage hasn't been great for the last year or so, and he regularly gets verbally aggressive and belittles me. He also recently quit his job and we are currently living off my income alone which has increased the pressure on our relationship. What can I do if he won't talk things through with me, and also won't talk things through with a counsellor? I can't carry on living in this sort of marriage, I'd like to make things work but I can't do it on my own. Any advice will be welcome you need to see a psychologist". -- That's what you should do. If he won't make an effort to figure this all out, seeing you put that effort in for yourself, may make him realize just how serious this all is. It may also help you make the decision to move on . . . your own counsellor may be able to give you some tools for working with him and other ways to approach the situation. You should be prepared for him to resist your efforts also, because he may realize that you might just get what you need to move on, so he may flip over on this, reverse his suggestion. There is a book you should read as well. It's called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It's an excellent book for troubled marriages. Outstanding in fact. Edited August 1, 2016 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Doesn't he want a better relationship for himself and for you? Counciling should not be about finger pointing or blame, it should be about ways to make your relationships better for each other. If he fails to acknowledge that there is a problem then you will have to tell him that divorce is your only option. If you feel that you can no longer live this way then do some soul searching for the answers to you problems. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Regular marriage counselling is not recommended when one partner is abusive. If he truly is abusive, you need individual support to get out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Hi, I have been married 4 years (together for 10) and am so close to separating from my husband and I don't know what to do. I would ideally like us to be able to talk things through and work together to improve our marriage, but every time we discuss any issues it either results in him laughing it off, or results in an argument where everything is turned on me. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to try. I've suggested marriage counselling but he isn't willing to try it as he thinks it's all my fault so doesn't see why he should go to it, and has actually told me "there's nothing wrong in our marriage - it's all in your head and you need to see a psychologist". Our marriage hasn't been great for the last year or so, and he regularly gets verbally aggressive and belittles me. He also recently quit his job and we are currently living off my income alone which has increased the pressure on our relationship. What can I do if he won't talk things through with me, and also won't talk things through with a counsellor? I can't carry on living in this sort of marriage, I'd like to make things work but I can't do it on my own. Any advice will be welcome I can clearly see emotional abuse/verbal abuse, but what I really am seeing is another conflict avoidant POS who is probably having an A. Check your phone records, check his phone, put a VAR in the car, but I would start looking into this without it alerting his attention (do it on the down low). Link to post Share on other sites
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