Crossroads: Follow my head or my heart?

[SevenCity]

I won't remind you it was wrong to carry on an affair behind your husband's back and lie to him for a year - you know that already.

 

However, you have to realize that if you really love someone you would not have the desire to cheat on them - ever. Feeling pity or guilt is not love.

 

As stated, the kindest thing you can do is leave him alone and never talk to him again. It will hurt him like hell initially, but it will allow him the space to find a woman who loves him and who will be faithful to him. It wi also allow you to find someone who treats you better.

 

The proximity of the affair to the start of the marriage should speak volumes that you are not right for each other.

 

I commend you for telling him but don't kid yourself that you want him long term. If you did, the thought of cheating never would have entered your mind.

 

Familiarity causes people to reconnect but it never lasts.

[Been]

I'm always honest so here it goes.

Your a disgrace. You went through with the wedding and Months latter your cheating on your husband. Wow.

Like you didn't know the other mans intentions when you went over to his place.

Keep telling everyone that.

Disgrace your husband?How about destroy your husband on any level you can imagine. You haven't been married for even a year. But you care so much about your husband.

And then you post something latter trying to justify what your doing-your husband was mean to you BEFORE you were married. And yet you said yes when he asked for your hand in marriage.

Marriage used to be so highly respected. Now people like you don't even think twice before having affair. It's like when you gave your word for better or worse it didn't mean a thing to you. And don't mistake that you love your husband-you don't even respect him.

The only thing I can assure you is your MAGICAL man will do the same to you in the end. Think what type of man chases a married woman. And then has an affair with her.

[KBarletta]

I think it's pretty clear that your feelings about possibly reconciling with your husband at this point are motivated by guilt at the pain you've caused him. This is not a good reason to reconcile. I agree with many of the other posters that it would have been better had you never married him. But that's said and done.

 

Your best bet now is to break it off clean, let him rebuild his life and move on yourself. I would caution you against putting a ton of faith in your relationship with the new guy. In my experience, relationships that begin with infidelity usually end the same way.

 

KTB

[ptrl0362]

I admitted to my husband in December of 2016 that I had been cheating on him for the majority of our one year marriage.

 

Despite it all, my husband still wants to be with me. He believes that the person who cheated on him "wasn't me" and that I was "manipulated" by my AP. He feels as though our marriage never really had a chance and although I agree, why did I do what I did after only two months of marriage? I'm in therapy currently to better understand myself.

 

I still speak to and see my AP. It is a full-fledged relationship. My husband knows this, but asks me to either 1) sign divorce papers OR 2) call my AP in front of him to end it.

 

For some reason, I can't go through with either. I'm not sure why. And I am shocked my husband still wants to be with me.

 

I really don't know how to proceed. A part of me wants to reconcile with my husband, but I'm not sure if that's due to guilt because our marriage did not get a real chance or if I feel for him...it may be a combination of both. But then on the other side, I think to myself, why did I have an affair for a year and go through all this devastation and the embarrassment of our family and friends now knowing everything to only stay married and work on things? I tell my husband it would be difficult for me to face his family and friends and have to prove myself for the rest of our lives. I'm not sure I have the energy for that.

 

But the fact that my husband still wants to stay married despite the affair speaks volumes. He says that he loves me unconditionally.

 

I don't know what to do. I continue to be in limbo. I don't know why I can't make a decision.

Edited January 18, 2017 by ptrl0362

[SevenCity]

I admitted to my husband in December of 2016 that I had been cheating on him for the majority of our one year marriage.

 

Despite it all, my husband still wants to be with me. He believes that the person who cheated on him "wasn't me" and that I was "manipulated" by my AP. He feels as though our marriage never really had a chance and although I agree, why did I do what I did after only two months of marriage? I'm in therapy currently to better understand myself.

 

I still speak to and see my AP. It is a full-fledged relationship. My husband knows this, but asks me to either 1) sign divorce papers OR 2) call my AP in front of him to end it.

 

For some reason, I can't go through with either. I'm not sure why. And I am shocked my husband still wants to be with me.

 

I really don't know how to proceed. A part of me wants to reconcile with my husband, but I'm not sure if that's due to guilt because our marriage did not get a real chance or if I feel for him...it may be a combination of both. But then on the other side, I think to myself, why did I have an affair for a year and go through all this devastation and the embarrassment of our family and friends now knowing everything to only stay married and work on things? I tell my husband it would be difficult for me to face his family and friends and have to prove myself for the rest of our lives. I'm not sure I have the energy for that.

 

But the fact that my husband still wants to stay married despite the affair speaks volumes. He says that he loves me unconditionally.

 

I don't know what to do. I continue to be in limbo. I don't know why I can't make a decision.

 

You can't make a decision because neither have given you a clear choice.

 

On the one hand you have a guy who you never respected (husband), on the other you have a guy who knows you are willing and able to cheat and lie.

 

I bet if your husband broke it off you would want him more.

 

This is a mess. I say work on finding out why you cheated and don't get yourself in this suitustuon in the future.

[mightycpa]

I got married in the fall of 2015 after 7 years together. It was never the most romantic nor a relationship people aspired to have, but there was a unique love there and a wedding was the next step with us both at the age of twenty-eight. I knew deep down there was something missing, but I had never met anyone that caused that click inside of me that said "oh wow, that's what's missing!"

This is the problem right here. Of course you didn't meet anybody who gave you that feeling. You were with a guy who you weren't crazy about for the best seven years to be single, and you took the next step because that's what people do at your age and after you've been together for seven years.

 

Then, after you got married, you decided to start dating, almost immediately.

 

All the problems in your marriage probably arose from your resentment that you got married to begin with. You're taking your stupid decision out on your husband. And the poor sap still doesn't get it.

 

You really ought to be honest with him, about the marriage (not the affair; sounds like you've covered that). You've already disappointed everybody that matters. Why worry about it now?

 

Sign ze papers!

[Mr. Lucky]

I still speak to and see my AP. It is a full-fledged relationship. My husband knows this, but asks me to either 1) sign divorce papers OR 2) call my AP in front of him to end it.

 

For some reason, I can't go through with either. I'm not sure why.

 

Because you have sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies?

 

Think about it ptrl0362, what you're doing is the opposite of whatever the feelings or consideration you claim to have for either man should look like. We've all seen the qualities on which healthy relationships are built - this isn't them.

 

Were I you, I'd want to know why I'm willing to have my gain come at such a cost to those I profess to care about. Not a positive dynamic and some broken pieces clearly involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You had an affair because something is inherently broken in YOU. Stop looking for other reasons - it was your choice

[Wookin Pa Nub]

OP - my advice is to break it off asap. You're only in year 7 and have no kids. I am in year 20 of a relationship/marriage to a woman I never had a head over heels feeling about. I settled for something that I thought was comfortable. At this point it feels like a prison sentence. I had chances to end multiple times when were dating and after marriage as my wife knew I didn't feel the same about her but I falsely reassured her and was too scared to pull the trigger. Don't be like me OP.

[AnneP]

You did the right thing by telling your husband. If you think you want him back, I would suggest that you

1) Break off any/all contact with the other man. Do not ever speak to him again. Make it clear to the OM that you're committed to working on your marriage and want nothing to do with him.

 

2) Get individual counseling to work out what caused you to do this.

 

3) Tell your husband that you want him back and are willing to do whatever it takes. Don't just tell him, show him.

 

It seems like you need sometime alone without either man in your life so you can learn what it is you really want. Also, it seems that you're using your husband's abusive words to somewhat justify your actions. You should have never married someone who was verbally abusive. You should have communicated your feelings to him before marrying. Do you think he's capable of changing his abuse? Is he willing to seek professional help? These are all things you need to consider.