Miss Clavel Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 i'm not sure i have enough info to give any advice. i don't think you have either. maybe tell her, "i will let you go to the meet because being on a team is a commitment and others are counting on you, however, i want you to tell me the real reason you can't miss, just this once". "i want the truth". maybe it's because she doesn't like your wife. or she's had a falling out with one of her peers that's coming. maybe there's a boy that's coming to the sports event that she likes? maybe she's jealous of the "new" baby or maybe she feels disloyal to her mom? tell her you will let her go, NO hard feelings but that you want the "real" reason, whatever it is. i don't understand why the shower was planned when there is clearly a "conflict" and not just with the schedule. she doesn't want to go even after she said she would, what changed? get to the bottom of if by telling her that it's "safe" to reveal the real reason. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! eh. that's not how parenting works; parenting & step-parenting aren't like shopping - i gave you THIS much so you gotta give me THAT much in return. that's not how it works, at all. 2 problems folks already pointed out - the competition between the mother & the step-mother AND your wife being immature; i get the feeling that this is more about "let me show my girlfriends how AMAZING of a step-mother i am" than anything else, really. question - is your daughter's twin BROTHER invited to the shower? because you didn't mention him at all and i wonder why. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 eh. that's not how parenting works; parenting & step-parenting aren't like shopping - i gave you THIS much so you gotta give me THAT much in return. that's not how it works, at all. 2 problems folks already pointed out - the competition between the mother & the step-mother AND your wife being immature; i get the feeling that this is more about "let me show my girlfriends how AMAZING of a step-mother i am" than anything else, really. question - is your daughter's twin BROTHER invited to the shower? because you didn't mention him at all and i wonder why. Exactly. Kids take much more than they give back, that's just a fact of parenting. Don't make this into a big deal. If your wife is an amazing stepmother, she will be understanding and respectful of her wishes and not let this put a damper on their relationship. As a few other posters suggested, try and include your daughter in some of the preparations and send her pictures of the shower so she still feels a part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Can I also ask why an 11 year old would want to go to a baby shower anyway? Will there even be any other kids there? Adult parties are boring as all get out when you're too young to drink..oops I mean when you're the only kid there. I agree with the above. Why does an 11 year old have to attend a baby shower. What is her interest in this? I think your wife should get over it and enjoy her shower with the adults. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Do I understand that this is HER track meet? She's participating? We never allowed our kids to miss these events unless they were sick. Any events and parties and vacations were planned around their obligations. When people ask where your daughter is, then your wife says that she had a previous commitment and she is with her dad at her meet. I wonder if she feels like she will have to change her schedule at the whims of her new step mother and sibling? Not sure is she was expected to be there why the shower wasn't planned around her schedule. We turned down a two week all expenses paid trip to Europe to walk out on the field for 10 minutes with our son. It's what you do! THEY come first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! going to stuff you don't want to go to is part of being a parent. Just out of curiosity is her twin brother attending? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Your wife is tremendously hurt by this? She better get a thicker skin if she's going to be a parent. Your daughter isn't doing anything malicious and your wife should be grateful that your daughter has accepted her as much as she has. As others have said, parenting isn't bartering. It's not I'll do this for you and then you have to do this for me. Kids don't really think very much about what their parents do for them or the sacrifices they make. They become grateful for those things when they grow up. If your daughter is on a track team then I would say she has an obligation to be at that track meet. Sports take commitment and sacrifice as well and a baby shower is not a good excuse to miss an event. Getting kids involved with a team is actually a great way to teach them about sacrifice and commitment. Even if she's not on a team but just wants to attend for herself that is still perfectly normal. She is about to enter a phase of life where she will start asserting her independence more and more. There needs to be rules and boundaries off course, but becoming independent is part of growing up. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I would have picked track meet when I was eleven. And, I'd chose track meet, now. It would't have anything to do with how I feel about the host or guest(s) of honour. Don't make a 'thing' about it...especially if your daughter is competing! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Well, different times, I guess, but kids weren't even at showers when I was a girl. I really think her track meet is a bigger thing in her world than a silly shower. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Not everybody loves babies. Not even all eleven year old girls. Maybe a track meet is more important than a party for a person who's going to cry and take the attention of two adults away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 ^^^ Yep, I would have been seriously bummed out if my dad had children with my step mom. He was MY DAD and I was already having to share with a new person in our lives. But even as a kid, I didn't like babies, and knew I never wanted any. Some young girls love babies. How does your daughter feel about being a 11 years older big sister? She will be a teenager while her new sibling is a toddler. Does she seem excited about it? Nervous? This is going to be another VERY BIG change in her world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Like others have said, I'd keep a close eye on how she feels about the baby even if her relationship is great with her step-mom. Let her get her true feelings out, even if it was a full sibling a lot of tweens/teens don't relish the thought of a newborn in their house. And I agree a track meet is probably a better place for an 11 year old than a baby shower anyway. If she didn't have anything going on, I think forcing her to go to see her friends would be fine. But I think she's old enough to make a choice to go to a track meet rather than tagging along to the shower (which is really for adults anyway.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Not everybody loves babies. Not even all eleven year old girls. Maybe a track meet is more important than a party for a person who's going to cry and take the attention of two adults away. And that is also true. I have managed to avoid all but one or two baby showers in my 63 years because it's not my thing. I had this nightmare job for a few months where various showers were mandatory attendance AT WORK! I didn't even know those people! I gift if I know the person, but if I can avoid a shower, any kind of shower, I will. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Well, different times, I guess, but kids weren't even at showers when I was a girl. I really think her track meet is a bigger thing in her world than a silly shower. Yeah, I thought baby showers were gatherings of women to gift the mom-to-be, get her set up with all of the things the women think she’ll need, and to show support should she want it after the baby comes. I didn’t know that kids and men ever attended baby showers. But also, in our family, her commitment to her track team would have been much more important than a baby shower or party of any kind. So I'm surprised that her step-mom would want her there or be upset if she wasn't there. It seems a bit self-centered to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Your daughter has already got the message from you and your wife that the new baby is more important than she is by telling her that she needs to attend this baby shower rather than go to the track meet......think long and hard about the messages you are sending out, they'll be back to bite you in the butt in a year or two. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 OMG. Where is all this psycho-babble coming from about his daughter resenting the new baby and that the OP has 'sent the message that his new baby is more important than his daughter.' Where is all that coming from? Talk about reaching. Jeez. I guess everyone CLEARLY missed the part in the OP's post where he said his daughter WANTED to go to the shower and wanted to be involved in some of the pre-planning for it. NOWHERE was it mentioned that his daughter has had ANY problems with the wife or new baby. OP, I happen to agree with you that your daughter needs to learn that she just can't shirk responsibility to family commitments just because something else comes along. It's completely over-indulgent to just allow her to blow something off because something else came along. That's why there's so many selfish, uncaring young adults in the world. Mommy and daddy over-indulged them and they think the world revolves around them. I just have too many friends with grown adult children who grew up to be selfish, disrespectful brats exactly BECAUSE they were over-indulged and not taught to respect others and live by the golden rule - and the result of that is NOT pretty. Personally, she committed to the shower and she should be told that she needs to RESPECT the fact that she committed to it and follow through with it. This is a great opportunity to teach your kid NOT to be selfish and to make her realize that the world does NOT revolve around her. And yes, you should mention that your wife has been there 100% for HER events and that she should look past her owns selfishness and return a little of that support. I don't quite see this as something that would 'ruin' things between your wife and daughter, though. But teaching your daughter to have a little humility is a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 OMG. Where is all this psycho-babble coming from about his daughter resenting the new baby and that the OP has 'sent the message that his new baby is more important than his daughter.' Where is all that coming from? Talk about reaching. Jeez. I guess everyone CLEARLY missed the part in the OP's post where he said his daughter WANTED to go to the shower and wanted to be involved in some of the pre-planning for it. NOWHERE was it mentioned that his daughter has had ANY problems with the wife or new baby. OP, I happen to agree with you that your daughter needs to learn that she just can't shirk responsibility to family commitments just because something else comes along. It's completely over-indulgent to just allow her to blow something off because something else came along. That's why there's so many selfish, uncaring young adults in the world. Mommy and daddy over-indulged them and they think the world revolves around them. I just have too many friends with grown adult children who grew up to be selfish, disrespectful brats exactly BECAUSE they were over-indulged and not taught to respect others and live by the golden rule - and the result of that is NOT pretty. Personally, she committed to the shower and she should be told that she needs to RESPECT the fact that she committed to it and follow through with it. This is a great opportunity to teach your kid NOT to be selfish and to make her realize that the world does NOT revolve around her. And yes, you should mention that your wife has been there 100% for HER events and that she should look past her owns selfishness and return a little of that support. I don't quite see this as something that would 'ruin' things between your wife and daughter, though. But teaching your daughter to have a little humility is a good thing. His daughter also made a commitment to her extra-curricular activity. She's not ditching the baby shower to go hang out at the mall, she has an actual obligation. You can argue that kids should also be taught not to flake on certain responsibilities just to go to a party. Anyway, the OP should absolutely not throw in his daughter's face all the stuff he, as a PARENT, does for her and make her feel like she is being selfish. Way to make an 11 year old child feel like crap. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 The OP didn't really give us enough information about the track meet to know if it's something the daughter should attend or not. If the daughter is on a track team then her first obligation is to the team and she is she was on a track team before the baby shower was arranged then she actually was committed to the team before she was committed to the baby shower and she needs to honor her commitment to the team. On the other hand if the daughter just wants to attend a track meet that she's not even participating in then the dad is within his rights to tell her she cannot attend because she already promised to be at the baby shower and that is what he should do. Not tell her she can make up her own mind but then lay a guilt trip on her while her step mother sits around being all butt hurt about it. If he's going to let her decide then he needs to lay off the guilt trips and her stepmother needs to grow up and realize that if given a choice an 11yr old is going to pick whatever sounds like the most fun and it's not about her. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 The OP really didn't tell us enough to know if the daughter needs to attend that track meet or not. If she is on the track team then her obligation is to the team and if she was on the track team before the baby shower was even arranged then she was actually committed to that track team before she was committed to the baby shower and she needs to honor her first commitment and her mistake was in saying she would attend the shower without first making sure she would be available. On the other hand, if she just wants to attend the track meet for fun as a spectator, then the dad is within his rights to insist she stand by her promise to attend the baby shower. I'm not saying he should insist because when it comes to raising kids you pick your battles and sometimes it's okay to let them off the hook to go do something fun. However, if he wants to use this situation as an opportunity to teach his daughter to honor her promises then he needs to be a parent and simply tell her she is not allowed to attend the track meet. Not tell she can decide while laying some sort of weird guilt trip on her about sacrifices he's made. Nor should the stepmother whine about being all tremendously hurt. They are parents and they need to act like parents and make a decision. If they decide to let her go to the meet then that needs to be the end of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I guess everyone CLEARLY missed the part in the OP's post where he said his daughter WANTED to go to the shower and wanted to be involved in some of the pre-planning for it. NOWHERE was it mentioned that his daughter has had ANY problems with the wife or new baby. You mean just as we CLEARLY missed the part in the OP where the poster didn't ask for advice, or even responses to or about this matter-of-factual window of his present-day life? Or where the OP claims that his wife goes to all of the daughter's sporting events, and yet the wife scheduled a baby shower on the day of such a sporting event? If the wife were giving birth on that day, well then perhaps we could cut her some slack for not knowing exactly when the baby would decide to show up, but we must assume that the wife had at least some say in the scheduling of the baby shower. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) A much, MUCH bigger concern over some silly shower that lasts a few hours, will be your daughter's relationship w the new baby AFTER your wife gives birth. I'd be much more concerned about that. Shower or not, your daughter will be making huge adjustments already. Do NOT foist guilt on her for wanting to attend her track meet (and not wanting to let her teammates down), which seems fair and right to me. Your daughter will have plenty of chances to make it up to you both (e.g., cheap babysitting) after the birth. Edited June 13, 2016 by Imajerk17 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 A much, MUCH bigger concern over some silly shower that lasts a few hours, will be your daughter's relationship w the new baby AFTER your wife gives birth. I'd be much more concerned about that. Shower or not, your daughter will be making huge adjustments already. Do NOT foist guilt on her for wanting to attend her track meet (and not wanting to let her teammates down), which seems fair and right to me. Your daughter will have plenty of chances to make it up to you both (e.g., cheap babysitting) after the birth. She can go to the baby shower for a little bit and then go to the track meet. Trust me, there will be tons of people there and I highly doubt your wife will spend all her time by your daughters side, just talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! Track meet is something she's into and it's important to her. She isn't "bailing or ditching" the baby shower to go hang out with friends etc., it's a commitment she made, a sport she loves to do. Other than this situation, has your daughter 'bailed' on other family functions? Is she a kind and giving person or is it always about her? Don't make this one event be the thing that ruins it all. Your wife needs to understand that baby showers are boring for preteens. Sorry to be blunt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 OP, what's the story with the track meet? Does she get kicked out if she doesn't go? Is this one meet out of 30? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts