helping grown kids, what is too much and should she do everything cause he is at work

[candy candy candy]

my daughter who is 24 has two kids from two different dads. one is out of state and does nothing for his son but child support is paid monthy via the child support registry and not on his own accord.

the other one she lives with the babies dad. he works on commission only and paints cars so checks are up and down.

 

my daughter asks me often for money for milk and or diapers and some times gas. i of course give it to her for the kids sake. i cannot always affort to do this but i manage anyways to squeeze out enough to help her out.

 

her boyfriend on the other hand does not seem to mind at all! he n ever asks her to ask me for anything but he is the worst provider for them then if she was on welfare and single. he never has enough money to last two weeks in between checks. my daughter tries and tries so hard to get a job and fills out endless applications to no avail. she has no real sitter anyways and the money she could make if she could get a job would take her whole pay check so she is in a pickle all the time anwaysy

 

then he wants her to work then bitches when she is gone all day looking for a job. she cant win. her esteem is so low how days cause of this yo yo that she has been with for over two years now. i dont know how more i should keep helping her. how much is too much? she tries so i cant hold it against her but he does at times make things harder for her. their tabs on both vehcile have long expired and he wont get insureance and she drove anyways and now has to pay $3000.00 in fines for driving with expired tabs.

 

she blamed him for it but i told her she had a choice and she said she had things to do so she had to drive but i disagree. i dont know what to do anymore. my dh is also getting tired of this every week stuff.

 

she comes over to visit and goes home with allof our left overs to help and the kids out. that is not a problem at all but to think he is eating that food too makes me angry. the ohter day she wanted to take the truck when he came on luch break to go to the food bank and he ate some food and she yelled at him for not cleaening up his mess so he left and she did not get to go to the food bank.

 

he thinks that since she is home all day she should cook, clean, laundry, etc, the whole everything but she thinks when he is home he can help out too but he refuses. it is a constant battle with these two and iwish she would jsut leave him!

 

any advice on how i can handle this mess?

[JPMorgan]

I know it hurts you terribly, but you must stay out of it. It's between them. At most, offer to watch the kids while she is looking for a job, but don't offer groceries to-go, or loan any more money. If you want to buy diapers or things that the kids need and you know that her bf will not be able to use, do that for the kids sake. Be honest with her and tell her that you love her and the kids and that you are behind them, but that you also have to take care of your ownselves and that you must back away a bit because its tearing you apart.

 

Their situation won't last forever --- nothing ever does. If it gets worse, can you take temporary custody of the kids?

[TheSouthernChick]

You can't fix it; it's her life. Unfortunately, she's throwing it away in a bad situation.

 

I think that she needs to do these things:

 

(1) Not have any more kids she can't afford to take care of, particularly with men who aren't committed enough to the relationship to marry her. That's a brutal reality, and she's living with the tough consequences of that right now.

 

(2) Set a family budget so they'll see where their money is going and exactly how much they really need to meet their living expenses. This may give her the impetus she needs to get out and find a job.

 

(3) Either do an at-home job (transcription, typing, babysitting, or something else she is skilled to do) or find an outside job that pays enough so that she clears enough money to pay for childcare plus some extra. She brought her kids into the world, and she's responsible for their care and their standard of living. (So is he, but he's obviously not going anywhere.)

 

(4) Tell the verbally abusive, broke, demanding boyfriend that he's on her short list and he needs to either provide SOMETHING good in the relationship (such as courtesy, money, support) or he can kiss her goodbye. What good is he doing her? *Nobody* is great enough in bed to make up for those kinds of hassles. And he should share the housework; if he's not even making enough money to FEED his children, he should at least take some of the load off of her.

 

She is prematurely aging herself with this, you know. And I know it must be agonizing for you to watch.

 

I wish that I had better words of advice for you. Really all you can do is love her, give her what you can, and encourage her to seek a better life for herself. You might also check with social services or other aid programs in your area to see if there are low-cost childcare programs for welfare recipients seeking a job outside the home, and perhaps there are other kinds of support out there that she just doesn't know about. I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to look around.

 

Warm hugs --

TheSouthernChick

[candy candy candy]

thanks to both of you. i am going to ask her again about seeing what she can do about babysitting so she can look and find a job! he does not want to help her with anything and thinks that since he works all day that she should be maaging the house. i know my daughter and she is not the type of woman to sit on her butt all day and do nothing so she did go on strike to show him how it feels, lol, and he finally pitched in but it only lasted a day or two.

 

she did try taking an accounting course a while back ago but had to drop one class as it was too much for her and now owes the school the money back so she cant go finish that. she has looked for on line classes but they all want money too, or if you know of any that dont please let me know and i will pass it along to her too.

 

she use to want to go places, to schoo, to work, etc, now she is so down on things that she does not seem to have any motivation for anything anymore and i have encouraged her to see her dr. for antidepressants but she says yeah i should but then does nothing about it.

 

this guy is depressing her and the whole thing with him is and i try so hard to tell her to leave him!! she has left him twice before now and stayed with us but does not like it here one bit and i dont know why. she just says she does not feel at home here cause my dh is kind of strict with things and she feels she has to tiptoe around here when she dont.

 

you know she is aging herself too! i thought about that and at 23 years old 24 in july she looks haggard and worn. she is only 99 pounds cause she is so stressed that she dont eat much anymore either. i guess i will have to do some reeeeeal touch love here cause i dont know what else to do anymore. i think what would she do for diapers if i didnt have the money anyways or i was not around anymore to help her out.

 

i love helping her out to a degree, makes me feel needed, and i will never ever let my grand kids go without anything even if he is there. thanks for the ideas and i am going to pass them along to her too. he needs a better job as i am sure the stress of the lack of money wears on him too.