Techie Artist Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Many good points mentioned above, the two most significant are "have my lawyer review the MSA to make sure it covered the points important to me and in a conforming manner." and "You should get your own attorney to represent your best interests." A divorcing couple can create the agreement 100% with the mediator, but an attorney is required to convert the agreement into a legal format, and officially file the paperwork in the court system. Since the attorney is doing that much, might as well have him/her review the content of the agreement, too. So, get an attorney now to perform these perfunctory but desirable tasks for you, the number of attorney hours will be minimal so cost will be minimal but well worth it. If you represent yourself (pro se), a lawyer needs to do nothing. You file yourself. It depends on the state.
Author TennisGal Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 We are still living in the same house, though in different bedrooms. He said he's looking for a place, but I doubt it. I suggested he rent a townhouse with room for his all his things, but he says he doesn't want that. His choice. We went to a family dinner with my parents and sister. My sisters know about the divorce, but I haven't told my parents yet. H asked that we tell them together, and we will tell them when we get back from vacation. We are going to see the kids and grandkids 4th of July week (the "kids" are his daughters from his first marriage, they are in their 30s). He hasn't told them yet. He hasn't told his sister, who lives out of town. I won't tell them behind his back, but it is uncomfortable to pretend with people. I think he is partly in denial. He doesn't want the divorce. We are still friends and still have a good time together. I really like him, but I don't want to be married to him. We are going on a cruise in September with another couple (they know we are going to divorce). We agreed to make an appointment with a mediator the week after our vacation with the kids/grandkids. Limbo is uncomfortable.
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Tonight I am thinking about the times he has dismissed my concerns. For example, I asked him not to leave first floor windows, or the sliding door to the deck, open at night. I told him I feel unsafe with that. He said "Nobody is going to climb up the deck and come in the house. Nobody is going to crawl over the bushes to get in the living room." We live in a suburb of a major metro area. I said, "Really? Find one [name of county] cop who agrees with that." More recently, he said that I'm the "only person he knows" who is concerned about this. And you know, it doesn't matter if I'm the only person on the planet who is concerned about this. His wife expressed a concern about feeling save in our home and he rejected it.
bathtub-row Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 It's my understanding that one attorney cannot represent both of you. As far as giving him more money than he wants, I would leave it alone. He's apparently bad with money and will probably piss it away anyway. You're not his mommy.
bathtub-row Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Tonight I am thinking about the times he has dismissed my concerns. For example, I asked him not to leave first floor windows, or the sliding door to the deck, open at night. I told him I feel unsafe with that. He said "Nobody is going to climb up the deck and come in the house. Nobody is going to crawl over the bushes to get in the living room." We live in a suburb of a major metro area. I said, "Really? Find one [name of county] cop who agrees with that." More recently, he said that I'm the "only person he knows" who is concerned about this. And you know, it doesn't matter if I'm the only person on the planet who is concerned about this. His wife expressed a concern about feeling save in our home and he rejected it. This guy doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Just sayin.
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Yeah, I have to get over taking care of him. He says he may have to work longer than he wants to because of the divorce (he is 65). If he would take the cash I want him to, it would cover rent & utilities for two years. He'll make his bed and have to lie in it. Holy carp, he is his late father all over again.
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Oh, and Bathtub, "not the sharpest knife in the drawer" is one of my favorite expressions. Along with "not the sharpest tool in the shed."
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Interesting. I will read the book. We actually get along quite well if we ignore the big issues. We have a good time together as friends. Hence, going through with vacations we have planned -- but very short-term. Our ability to get along is why I think we might be able to be friends. And that is good, in terms of maintaining relationships with my stepdaughters (his kids from his first marriage) and grandkids. But yes, I have to let go of taking care of him. I am not looking for another relationship. I am 61. If it happens somewhere down the road, fine. But it's not a goal.
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Oh, and Monday, we will be with the grandkids, watching fireworks on the beach. NOT missing that.
springy Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Forgive me if I missed it, but did no one ever suggest or think of going to some sort of marital counseling? It sounds like you plan to continue on as usual, and just not live together?
Author TennisGal Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Springy, we spent the better part of two years going to a marriage therapist. He felt that he "got beat up." I felt he was resistant. The therapist said it was like pulling teeth.
stillafool Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 (edited) Yes, it's amicable, as much as this sort of thing can be. We had booked a cruise and plan to still go on it. And we will still use concert tickets we bought, going together. Why would you do all of these things when you're divorcing? Why not move on? I know lots of people in their 60's who are dating and having fun. Hanging around with your ex husband is going to keep both of you from moving on to a happy relationship. Edited July 1, 2016 by stillafool 1
Author TennisGal Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 Stillafool, these things will all occur within a very short time frame. It's not like we are going on a cruise next winter or spring. The things we arranged (and in the case of the cruise, arranged with friends) will all be over in 9 weeks. We won't be divorced by then.
Author TennisGal Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) We don't plan to cut ties, and he said he will always want me in his life. He says that now, but who knows what the future will bring? I'm willing to step away if he develops a new relationship. And yes, I will maintain my own relationship with my stepdaughters and grandkids, respecting their wishes, of course. I have no problem visiting them with my STBX, which we are doing for 4th of July. He hasn't even told his daughters about the impending divorce yet -- delay and avoid, that's his way. Our friends who are going on a cruise with us know about the divorce. We told them before the no-penalty cancellation date, in case they wanted to bail. They took a few days to think about it, and decided to still go. We actually get along quite well if we ignore the big issues i can no longer live with -- the delay in following through on things large and small, what I consider the mismanagement of large sums of money, the keeping of storage units year after year (once since years before our marriage and second for the last decade), and his resistance to a cooperative financial partnership. We get along so well, that my parents (who we've had dinner with twice in the past couple of weeks) have no idea at all that we are divorcing and will be shocked when we tell them after our return from visiting the kids/grandkids this week. Edited July 2, 2016 by TennisGal Addition
Author TennisGal Posted July 15, 2016 Author Posted July 15, 2016 Holy crap,this is hard. I really like my husband, he's a nice guy. We have fun together. We just came back from visiting the kids and grandkids. They are his kids from his first marriage (adults), and the grandkids are his daughter's kids. I love the kids and grandkids. He hasn't told them we are ending our marriage. We are in such different places on life management, financial management, following through on things, etc. We aren't on the same page; we aren't even in the same book on things. And it makes me feel I can't count on him. So often, I think, "I really like this guy." But I can't continue to be legally and financially tied to someone who make choices he does. This weekend I have to push him to book the appointment with the mediator. He said he would do that after we got back from visiting the kids. But his history is one of not following through.
stillafool Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 I thought you two were getting a divorce!? So why are you worried about all this other stuff. He isn't asking you for anything. Just look forward to the divorce.
Lois_Griffin Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 It sounds as though you've been raising a man-child for 13 years. Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth by trying to force money on him. From the sounds of it, he's lost quite a bit of money over the years being foolish and making foolish decisions. Don't throw good money after bad. 1
Author TennisGal Posted July 17, 2016 Author Posted July 17, 2016 Lois, it's weird. He manages a department at work, makes a good living, but at home seems to be the slave of his possessions (hence the storage units) and fails to follow through on things. Tomorrow night we will talk about schedule (he has standing meetings at work) and Monday will call to make the appointment with the mediator.
DKT3 Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Hmmm, are you sure your ready to give up the companionship? It sure doesn't seem like you are. I think you envision divorce then maintaining a relationship....isn't that possible without the divorce. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 It feels weird to be in the position of pushing a spouse to take more in a divorce. Usually, I hear people complaining about the opposite problem. Perhaps I can persuade him in mediation to take more? It's really all we disagree about in the property settlement at this point. I don't want to get to the final hearing and have the judge say the settlement is not equitable. There are some who simply do not want anything from their spouses. Surprising, yes, but not unheard of. Do you have a good relationship with your husband? If you two "agree" (on paper, to lawyers) on terms, I don't believe any judge would dare change that arrangement. 1
Author TennisGal Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 In reality, DTK3, I am sorry to lose the companionship. Not that I don't have other friends; I do. But I do like him. However, the reality is that I am unhappy with his life choices, financial choices, and chronic dissatisfaction. And the stuff in storage units, and ugly furniture he doesn't want to get rid of. I don't want to be legally and financially tied to him. But I have fun with him. And I worry about him. Too much of a caretaker and fixer.
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 In reality, DTK3, I am sorry to lose the companionship. Not that I don't have other friends; I do. But I do like him. However, the reality is that I am unhappy with his life choices, financial choices, and chronic dissatisfaction. And the stuff in storage units, and ugly furniture he doesn't want to get rid of. I don't want to be legally and financially tied to him. But I have fun with him. And I worry about him. Too much of a caretaker and fixer. But is divorce the only answer? Finances can be separated, stuff out of sight is stuff out if sight. You shouldnt have to be his mother, so stop.... doesn't mean divorce is the only answer. My mom passed away almost two years ago, my father recently started dating a woman a few years younger. She is set in her ways as is he. So as you can guess it's a struggle to fit the pieces together. He told me "at this point in life I'm old enough to know your mom was once in a lifetime, so I have to enjoy the positive and learn to except the negative" 1
Author TennisGal Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I am prepared to do that. However, he has already emailed them for an appt (he previously had email contact with the mediator) and expects to have the time scheduled for next week by the end of today.
Author TennisGal Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 The mediator we chose is on vacation next week. We have an appointment for the following week.
Author TennisGal Posted August 15, 2016 Author Posted August 15, 2016 The initial meeting with the mediator was an "orientation" session to discuss our circumstances, the mediation process, confidentiality, tasks and homework, etc. I since went away to visit some friends and family and I'm now back. Our first real mediation session is next week. We are updating our listing of accounts and balances (retirement and non-retirement), real estate, vehicles, and debts. Neither FXH nor I have any concern about the other person hiding assets. We each have to do a monthly budget of living expenses. The mediator does not want to use mediation time to talk about household goods (sofas, cookware), and we have a completed spreadsheet for that already. So, the agenda for the mediation is: (1) mediation agreement review and signing; (2) separation logistics/timing; (3) review of monthly budgets; (4) review and division of financial accounts; and (5) other property division (condo, townhouse, vehicles). We probably won't get through all of it in one session (the sessions are two hours), but given how much FHX and I have already discussed and agreed to, we will probably only need two sessions. Then, the mediator (who is an attorney) will draw up the agreement, go over it with us, and give us a list of mediation-friendly attorneys we can each take the agreement to for review. Since I need to be on FXH's health insurance at work through November, we may ask the Clerk of Court if we can get on the docket for December 1 or 2.
Recommended Posts