I'm the one who initiated the divorce.

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though you've been raising a man-child for 13 years.

 

Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth by trying to force money on him. From the sounds of it, he's lost quite a bit of money over the years being foolish and making foolish decisions.

 

Don't throw good money after bad.

[TennisGal]

Lois, it's weird. He manages a department at work, makes a good living, but at home seems to be the slave of his possessions (hence the storage units) and fails to follow through on things.

 

Tomorrow night we will talk about schedule (he has standing meetings at work) and Monday will call to make the appointment with the mediator.

[DKT3]

Hmmm, are you sure your ready to give up the companionship? It sure doesn't seem like you are.

 

I think you envision divorce then maintaining a relationship....isn't that possible without the divorce.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It feels weird to be in the position of pushing a spouse to take more in a divorce. Usually, I hear people complaining about the opposite problem. Perhaps I can persuade him in mediation to take more? It's really all we disagree about in the property settlement at this point.

 

I don't want to get to the final hearing and have the judge say the settlement is not equitable.

 

There are some who simply do not want anything from their spouses. Surprising, yes, but not unheard of. Do you have a good relationship with your husband?

 

If you two "agree" (on paper, to lawyers) on terms, I don't believe any judge would dare change that arrangement.

[TennisGal]

In reality, DTK3, I am sorry to lose the companionship. Not that I don't have other friends; I do. But I do like him. However, the reality is that I am unhappy with his life choices, financial choices, and chronic dissatisfaction. And the stuff in storage units, and ugly furniture he doesn't want to get rid of. I don't want to be legally and financially tied to him. But I have fun with him. And I worry about him. Too much of a caretaker and fixer.

[DKT3]

In reality, DTK3, I am sorry to lose the companionship. Not that I don't have other friends; I do. But I do like him. However, the reality is that I am unhappy with his life choices, financial choices, and chronic dissatisfaction. And the stuff in storage units, and ugly furniture he doesn't want to get rid of. I don't want to be legally and financially tied to him. But I have fun with him. And I worry about him. Too much of a caretaker and fixer.

 

But is divorce the only answer? Finances can be separated, stuff out of sight is stuff out if sight.

 

You shouldnt have to be his mother, so stop.... doesn't mean divorce is the only answer.

 

My mom passed away almost two years ago, my father recently started dating a woman a few years younger. She is set in her ways as is he. So as you can guess it's a struggle to fit the pieces together. He told me "at this point in life I'm old enough to know your mom was once in a lifetime, so I have to enjoy the positive and learn to except the negative"

[S2B]

Lois, it's weird. He manages a department at work, makes a good living, but at home seems to be the slave of his possessions (hence the storage units) and fails to follow through on things.

 

Tomorrow night we will talk about schedule (he has standing meetings at work) and Monday will call to make the appointment with the mediator.

 

If he doesn't make the appointment tomorrow are you prepared to set the appt yourself on Tuesday?

[TennisGal]

I am prepared to do that.

 

However, he has already emailed them for an appt (he previously had email contact with the mediator) and expects to have the time scheduled for next week by the end of today.

[TennisGal]

The mediator we chose is on vacation next week. We have an appointment for the following week.

[TennisGal]

The initial meeting with the mediator was an "orientation" session to discuss our circumstances, the mediation process, confidentiality, tasks and homework, etc. I since went away to visit some friends and family and I'm now back.

 

Our first real mediation session is next week. We are updating our listing of accounts and balances (retirement and non-retirement), real estate, vehicles, and debts. Neither FXH nor I have any concern about the other person hiding assets. We each have to do a monthly budget of living expenses. The mediator does not want to use mediation time to talk about household goods (sofas, cookware), and we have a completed spreadsheet for that already.

 

So, the agenda for the mediation is: (1) mediation agreement review and signing; (2) separation logistics/timing; (3) review of monthly budgets; (4) review and division of financial accounts; and (5) other property division (condo, townhouse, vehicles).

 

We probably won't get through all of it in one session (the sessions are two hours), but given how much FHX and I have already discussed and agreed to, we will probably only need two sessions. Then, the mediator (who is an attorney) will draw up the agreement, go over it with us, and give us a list of mediation-friendly attorneys we can each take the agreement to for review.

 

Since I need to be on FXH's health insurance at work through November, we may ask the Clerk of Court if we can get on the docket for December 1 or 2.

[TennisGal]

Acceptance... or at least some semblance of of it. He has accepted that the divorce will happen, has rented a place to start October 1, and has taken off his wedding ring. (In fact, he put his ring on my bed in the guest room last night.)

 

We see the mediator on Thursday and have the settlement 90% done already on our own.

[TennisGal]

UPDATE: A surprising turn of events.

 

While on a trip by myself to visit a friend, I wrote him an email laying out nearly all the issues, noting his resistance/stonewalling during nearly two years of seeing a marriage therapist, and my sorrow that he was not willing to do what it would take to save our marriage.

 

Only one 2-hour mediation session was required to arrive at a marriage settlement, with the exception of one issue he had to think about further. The mediator has written up the settlement and sent it to us for review. We will see her again in about 10 days. (Elderly parent needs and a cruise intervened since the earlier meeting\.)

 

During the mediation session, my husband said some things he has never said before. He acknowledged that I had many valid points, that he has learned in IC that he had to deal with the anger and depression he had been carrying many years, and said that now that the "hammer was falling," he realized he needed to let go of the past and live for present and our future.

 

We recently discussed four pages I wrote of of my issues / needs regarding any potential continued life together. I stressed that if he could not live with it, he needed to say so. He agreed to everything.

 

In order to continue our marriage, it is not enough to agree. He has agreed to some things before but not followed through. So time will tell if he actually does follow through.

 

Something I learned. When I assumed we would divorce, and these issues that I was so unhappy about were off the table (because I wouldn't have to deal with them in the future if we were no longer married), I was able to see the man I fell in love with and married.

[S2B]

Hoe is it possible a few words makes his behavior change?

 

His actions is what would make him improve.

 

You didn't like his use of money (managing money) - what has he done differently there?

 

You may be deciding on empty promises and no action to make things change.

 

What has he changed?

[TennisGal]

A few words do not change anything, of course. Behavior and follow-through will tell the tale.

 

So far, he has more than half emptied one of the two storage units and has committed to consolidating the two into one by October 31. He has committed to putting the money spent on that second storage unit into savings. He has committed to putting his condo on the market by March and banking the proceeds for use toward a retirement home in the future. He has committed to weekly meetings about money (what is coming in, what is going out, where it is going, what we need to change). He has agreed to attend retirement planning seminars (we are going to one on SS next week).

 

He is well aware that action and follow-through are essential. He states he is choosing these changes because he realizes the loss of ending our marriage.

 

If it doesn't happen, well, we have the marriage settlement we worked out with the mediator.

[S2B]

I hope he changes and takes the action you expect!

 

Keep us updated! Hoping for the best outcome for you.

[TennisGal]

As time goes by, progress continues.

 

He now has only one storage unit -- a lot of things were donated or went to the dump. The money from the second unit is going into savings. He has agreed there will be no storage unit in retirement.

 

Our nephew who is renting his condo is moving out at the end of January. The condo will go on the market March 1, allowing time for cleaning, carpet shampooing, painting, etc. The proceeds will be sequestered for a retirement home.

 

He continues to cooperate in going through things in our over-full house and getting rid of them (giving to family, donating, tossing).

 

He is truly making an effort in joint financial planning.

 

And we're going to France next spring.

[Marc878]

Good for you

[S2B]

Do you feel he is becoming independent and self motivated or is it up to you to lead him like a child?

 

Hopefully he's maturing and your worries are less.

[road]

Good news.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tennis gal, it is so good to read about the latest developments taking place in your lives. I for one, hope everything works out for you the way you want it to and you two can ride off into the sunset Happy ever after! The fact is that reading through your entire thread one could not help but note the angst( pain?) that seemed to simmer just below the surface in everything that you wrote about. It was almost as if you had a split personality, one which was the pragmatic hard nosed type and the other the soft hearted romantic type. I guess in the end the second one won out, of course helped by the first one in laying down some clear cut boundaries.

 

Actually true love and good people are at a premium in this world as of today. It is extremely difficult to find a good person who loves you and it would seem such a pity to throw it all away because you find some warts in the person which you don't like. I think you intuitively hit on a way to get your husband to have surgery to remove those warts so that the truly handsome man he is shone through again. Like a rough uncut diamond which looked unimpressive when it first came out of the earth but became beautiful once it was cut and polished. You knew deep down that he valued your marriage as much as you did and threatening a divorce was the tectonic shock he needed to get rid of the cobwebs in his mind which he did and is doing. So I guess congratulations are in order. Warm wishes.