In love with my best friends fiancée

[Unloved_Rainbow]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I just think i need some advice about, well, it says it in the title!

 

Best friend, we will call 'John'

Best friends fiancée, we will call 'Lucy'

 

I have been friends with John for around 14 years, since we was 12.

He met his current partner 4 years ago, and I met her not long after they had met as 'friends with benefits', basically.

 

I was with someone at the time and we all met together. I was instantly blown away by how amazing she looked. We had spoke quite a lot online before hand, and we really got on well.

 

We continued to talk every day and we all hung out together all the time. I started to fall for her.

 

Me and Lucy didn't have a job at the time, and she was living with John's parents, so when he went to work i would go see her and keep her company (which he was completely cool with and didn't care, there was nothing going on) and over the space of around 4-5 months of this i fell really hard. I knew everything about her and helped her with everything she needed help with emotionally, since John wasn't very understanding or helpful.

 

Fast forward 3 years, up to 3 months ago..this is where it got a bit crazy.

 

I went through a pretty terrible breakup, and i ended up moving away to the other side of the country for a month to clear my head and try sort myself out. Lucy was messaging me all the time (as usual) and she was helping me with things, and she told me she was having some serious problems with her and John. He doesn't pay any attention to her and keeps lying to her about everything and she feels like he's just a room mate. Then she tells me that she keeps thinking about cheating on him, but she knows it wouldn't be a very good idea etc.

 

I told her that I keep having similar thoughts, about someone (her, which i didn't say) but because of the situation i couldn't do anything about it.

 

We flirted quite a lot, and it got to the point where i returned home just so i could see her again.

 

About 4 days ago or so Lucy told me that she has wanted me since the day we met and she just doesn't know what to do. She's due to get married in a months time..

 

All of today we spent the day cuddling together on the sofa and it was just amazing. Obviously we haven't done anything other than that, but we feel bad enough that we have these strong feelings for each other (and have since we met) due to the situation that we're in.

 

I guess, I just need some advice on what the hell do we do? Do any of you have any similar life experiences? What did you do? What was the outcome?

 

It's been eating away at me for so long, so even if there aren't any replies, at least i've been able to get it off my chest, so to speak.

 

Thanks, Unloved_RainbowBes

[ChickiePops]

Oh come on. You know what you need to do. Your life is not a romantic comedy. Your best friend is not going to just shrug and step aside for you. If you're lucky, he'll hate you forever. If you're unlucky, he will beat the crap out of you and out you and her as cuckolding whores on social media.

 

Here's what you do. You step away. This chick is off limits. Period. You are setting yourself up for the ultimate betrayal and it's going to be hideously ugly when it comes out. Never, ever speak to her again unless your best friend is present. No more online chats, no more texting, block her everywhere. It's unnecessary for you to be in contact with her at all.

 

Your behavior (and hers) thus far has been disgraceful. Just. Stop.

[frus69]

Cry me a river. lol

 

 

she has wanted you since the day you met, you were instantly blown away soon as you met her, if any of you guys were any decent, you would have broken up with whoever you were with at that time because you were basically having emotional affairs from day one!

 

 

Ok, now, what's done is done, no matter how wrong. The situation now is you both just "love" each other. What is stopping her from breaking up with John?? Since she doesn't think he's any good as a BF anyway?? I cant think of any reason she continues to marry him.

[RecentChange]

Uff what a mess.

 

Another perspective - you let your best friend marry a girl who wants to cheat on him - he lies to her etc. Sounds like a disaster.

 

Personally i have said something I thought my friend was making a mistake in who they were marrying.

 

And you aren't going to be riding off into the sunset with her either.

 

I see no happy ending here .

[Unloved_Rainbow]

We have never said that we should run away together or anything of the sort. Neither of us know really what's going on.

 

John has cheated before, and has done a lot of pretty bad things, some of which she knows, some she doesn't. He doesn't seem interested in Lucy at all, really. They don't have a sex life (because John doesn't want to have sex with her) and it obviously affects her.

 

Me and Lucy have spoken about stuff today, and both of us have said that even though we would like to, we can't even kiss, because it would just be bad all round. As far as cheating goes, I'm not sure cuddling classifies in that bracket, or at least, not between us (including John) it's quite common for us to do so. Probably because he knows how much me and Lucy need each other, for personal reasons.

 

It's extremely normal for people in my social circle to flirt and such with one another. Flirting isn't dangerous, realistically. (honestly, John only classes sex as cheating, nothing less than sex is classed as cheating in his eyes) the only bad part is the feelings we have for one another.

 

The reason I didn't leave my partner when I met Lucy, was because I just figured she wouldn't feel the same way about me, and visa versa. It's only now, 4 years on, that we have even spoke about it.

 

I have tried talking to them both separately about the marriage, John is sort of just.. The easy going type, and shrugs things off. He doesn't really seem to listen to me when I try tell him it shouldn't happen (obviously I haven't blurted out "she's in love with me") and Lucy just feels she has no choice but to marry, her thoughts are "maybe things will get better with me and John when we're married, but if not, I guess it's more socially acceptable to divorce than bail on the wedding a month before"

 

I'm well aware mine and her behaviour is pretty awful, however, if he asked me I would tell him. I haven't chose to have these feelings, nor has she. Quite the opposite in fact, we have tried to suppress them for years.

 

Thank you for your replies so far.

[preraph]

You know, it's easy for her to tell you she'd rather be with you, but if she's able to communicate that, then she is certainly capable of telling the fiancee it's over and not going forward with the wedding. My guess is she will do what she really wants to do worse. If not, well, she's a bit of a twit, IMO.

[frus69]

We have never said that we should run away together or anything of the sort. Neither of us know really what's going on.

 

John has cheated before, and has done a lot of pretty bad things, some of which she knows, some she doesn't. He doesn't seem interested in Lucy at all, really. They don't have a sex life (because John doesn't want to have sex with her) and it obviously affects her.

 

Me and Lucy have spoken about stuff today, and both of us have said that even though we would like to, we can't even kiss, because it would just be bad all round. As far as cheating goes, I'm not sure cuddling classifies in that bracket, or at least, not between us (including John) it's quite common for us to do so. Probably because he knows how much me and Lucy need each other, for personal reasons.

 

It's extremely normal for people in my social circle to flirt and such with one another. Flirting isn't dangerous, realistically. (honestly, John only classes sex as cheating, nothing less than sex is classed as cheating in his eyes) the only bad part is the feelings we have for one another.

 

The reason I didn't leave my partner when I met Lucy, was because I just figured she wouldn't feel the same way about me, and visa versa. It's only now, 4 years on, that we have even spoke about it.

 

I have tried talking to them both separately about the marriage, John is sort of just.. The easy going type, and shrugs things off. He doesn't really seem to listen to me when I try tell him it shouldn't happen (obviously I haven't blurted out "she's in love with me") and Lucy just feels she has no choice but to marry, her thoughts are "maybe things will get better with me and John when we're married, but if not, I guess it's more socially acceptable to divorce than bail on the wedding a month before"

 

I'm well aware mine and her behaviour is pretty awful, however, if he asked me I would tell him. I haven't chose to have these feelings, nor has she. Quite the opposite in fact, we have tried to suppress them for years.

 

Thank you for your replies so far.

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to justify your behavior. "Hey we didn't do anything yet besides John is pretty sh*t himself" ..to make yourself feel better?

 

 

Again, if John is really that bad, why does she put up with it for four years and why have no choice but to marry? She needs his money?

 

 

A sane person will think "its better to bail before the wedding than to get a divorce later", not the other way round unless she wants his assets. She has red flags all over her, obviously you cant see it with your rosey glasses on. Good luck, you will need it.

[redbaron007]

If you've known her for 4 years AND have been emotionally vested AND have always had feelings for her AND she has revealed that she has always had feelings for you, then, well the decision is really yours to make: commit to a relationship to her, while understanding that your relationship with your best buddy is over. If you can handle that, then go for it. The lady is waiting for direction from you.

 

Statistics, other people's opinions don't matter here: YOU need to decide one way or the other...good luck!

[VeveCakes]

Your circle of friends with the flirting and cuddling need some serious boundaries then.

 

So is she going to break up with him to be with you? If not then what's the point of any of this.

[SammySammy]

I've always considered my friend's current and ex-SOs to be off-limits. I never needed to go there. Always able to get my own woman.

 

That's my friend. That's different from some random guy I don't know.

 

The way I feel is, if a woman will leave my friend for me, she will leave me for the next guy that tickles her fancy. No matter how close we are. That's what I call trifling and I generally try to avoid women like that.

 

As men, I think we need to have a code. A set of standards that we just won't break. That's one of mine.

[Tasha49]

Probably because he knows how much me and Lucy need each other, for personal reasons.

 

OP... do you realized how completely pathetic this sounds? Not to be rude but no... you dont "need" each other enough to excuse the fact that you're fooling around. Step away. This is just dangerous and kind of ****ed up to be honest. It doesn't matter if your friend is the crappiest guy ever to her... that's for her to deal with not you. People need to figure life out on their own sometimes. Cheating is a horrible thing and no one deserves it. No one at all. What you're doing is pretty much instigating cheating. I think you need to step away and let her figure out what she needs and wants most. Your friend came long before this broad. What both of you are doing is just not right.

[ChickiePops]

We have never said that we should run away together or anything of the sort. Neither of us know really what's going on.

 

John has cheated before, and has done a lot of pretty bad things, some of which she knows, some she doesn't. He doesn't seem interested in Lucy at all, really. They don't have a sex life (because John doesn't want to have sex with her) and it obviously affects her.

 

Me and Lucy have spoken about stuff today, and both of us have said that even though we would like to, we can't even kiss, because it would just be bad all round. As far as cheating goes, I'm not sure cuddling classifies in that bracket, or at least, not between us (including John) it's quite common for us to do so. Probably because he knows how much me and Lucy need each other, for personal reasons.

 

It's extremely normal for people in my social circle to flirt and such with one another. Flirting isn't dangerous, realistically. (honestly, John only classes sex as cheating, nothing less than sex is classed as cheating in his eyes) the only bad part is the feelings we have for one another.

 

The reason I didn't leave my partner when I met Lucy, was because I just figured she wouldn't feel the same way about me, and visa versa. It's only now, 4 years on, that we have even spoke about it.

 

I have tried talking to them both separately about the marriage, John is sort of just.. The easy going type, and shrugs things off. He doesn't really seem to listen to me when I try tell him it shouldn't happen (obviously I haven't blurted out "she's in love with me") and Lucy just feels she has no choice but to marry, her thoughts are "maybe things will get better with me and John when we're married, but if not, I guess it's more socially acceptable to divorce than bail on the wedding a month before"

 

I'm well aware mine and her behaviour is pretty awful, however, if he asked me I would tell him. I haven't chose to have these feelings, nor has she. Quite the opposite in fact, we have tried to suppress them for years.

 

Thank you for your replies so far.

 

Why don't you ask John if he considers your cuddling with his fiancé cheating or not? Why not show him the online/text conversations you two have had? Because like it or not, you're already in the midst of an emotional affair with her. Why won't you let him decide for himself whether he wants to marry this pig in sheeps clothing, or hang on to you as his 'best friend'?

 

It is NOT better to go through with the marriage than to bail before it gets legal and messy. It's downright stupid and cruel. Poor John.

 

Frankly, you both deserve the consequences you're bound to face. But John doesn't.

[Tasha49]

The way I feel is, if a woman will leave my friend for me, she will leave me for the next guy that tickles her fancy. No matter how close we are. That's what I call trifling and I generally try to avoid women like that.

 

This is totally true. Think about if you were to end your 14 year friendship for a girl who so easily cheated on the guy she was supposed to marry... and think about how easily she could be pulled away from you just the same. She needs to grow up and you have some growing up to do as well if you consider this whole thing okay.

[Alamo657]

John has cheated before, and has done a lot of pretty bad things, some of which she knows, some she doesn't. He doesn't seem interested in Lucy at all, really. They don't have a sex life (because John doesn't want to have sex with her) and it obviously affects her.

If he's such a terrible person, she should leave him, instead of cheating on him.

 

As far as cheating goes, I'm not sure cuddling classifies in that bracket, or at least, not between us (including John) it's quite common for us to do so. Probably because he knows how much me and Lucy need each other, for personal reasons.

Or probably because he doesn't care and also sees you as a weak man who can't simply take what he wants and has to tiptoe around before getting anything done.

 

It's extremely normal for people in my social circle to flirt and such with one another. Flirting isn't dangerous, realistically. the only bad part is the feelings we have for one another.

You made me LOL so hard... flirting is the open door to cheating, it means people are looking for special kind of attention from one another, and it means that they let their feelings grow for one another. WHen 2 people are flirting, it means the man wants sex, and the woman needs attention, and will give sex if you're the main provider of attention and she's lonely.

 

I'm well aware mine and her behaviour is pretty awful

Yet you just spend your entire post justifying both of your attitudes as harmless because "john " doesnt care and fliritng is "normal".

 

You don't love your woman, she doesn't love her man. You're unfaithful, she's unfaithful, and everyone is lying to the other.

[Poutrew]

Ach! You youngsters know nothing! Here's what you gotta do: Arrange for your friend to meet up with a hot chick whom he has chemistry with and then he will fall in love with the new girl. He'll start to back away from the marriage idea. Then, you be the 'good pal' and offer to take the responsibility of Lucy off his hands - after all 'bros before hoes', right? Heck, if you are devious enough and play your cards just right, John will even be thanking you for taking the problem off his hands. You come out sweet: You get Lucy, John gets new gal #2, and Lucy gets you. And you can still all be friends at the end of the day. Just don't go falling for the new girl as well.

 

Now, I just gotta say one more thing: I am personally glad I do not have a 'lifelong friend' such as yourself, because with a friend like you, I wouldn't need an enemy.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Crazy story. If her relationship is so bad, why did she agree to marry this guy.

 

I think both of you did yourselves no favors when you got into an emotional affair with each other back in the beginning when committed to someone else, even if she was a FWB at the time.

 

Also, who falls in love with and marries a FWB? The story seems like something out of penthouse forums

[Unloved_Rainbow]

I decided today to just end everything. I told Lucy I won't be coming back to their house anymore, and not to contact me. Realistically, I can't even speak to her, because of feelings.

 

I told John everything, minus the whole "being in love with each other" thing, and he didn't really care. He just said "erm..why are you telling me you guys cuddled? That's weird"

 

I explained that i was having an emotional affair with Lucy, and he said "Well i had assumed so, but at least i don't have to deal with emotions if you are" Which was quite strange, in itself.

 

I have decided to move away for good this time. The fact I could of ruined everything for them just by being around all this time purely means i need to get away.

 

I am hopeful that their marriage works out and maybe one day I can be in touch with them again.

 

I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, still, and hopefully she'll be okay. She's rather unstable, but hopefully John steps up and does what he needs to.

 

Thanks for your replies so far. I'm well aware of how bad a person i am for what i feel etc etc etc so reading it is nothing new.

 

I haven't tried to excuse my behaviour, i know how bad it all is. The only part of excusing myself is because John doesn't see anything other than sex as a form of cheating.

 

I have never fallen for a friends ex/girlfriend before. Even John has slept with 4 of my ex's, and dated one for quite some time. I've only tried to paint a true-to-life picture of each of us, not make myself seem superior in any way.

 

To all the questions regarding why Lucy agreed to marry John in the first place, John was a really nice guy to her in terms of being there for her and showing interest, wanting to be around her (he doesn't even acknowledge her in the same house most of the time now) however around 6 months after engagement, things changed to how they are now. I believe that John is marrying so he isn't lonely, and Lucy is marrying because she feels pressured.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Unloved_Rainbow

[RecentChange]

And we wonder why the divorce rate in this country is so high. What a mess.

 

Op - why do you have to move away? That sounds pretty dramic. Was Lucy the only reason why you are living where you are now?

 

And I have to say, the dynamic among your circle of friends sounds pretty unhealthy. You all can flirt with each others partners? And your friend has had sex with 4 of your ex's!? ( How many ex's do you have?)

 

Have you slept with any of his? Seems weird, like he has no boundaries, and you don't set any.

 

If he doesn't care about an emotional affair, and doesn't want to have sex with her - and you are his friend, and he sleeps with your ex's - what about some sort of open arrangement?

[Unloved_Rainbow]

And we wonder why the divorce rate in this country is so high. What a mess.

 

Op - why do you have to move away? That sounds pretty dramic. Was Lucy the only reason why you are living where you are now?

 

And I have to say, the dynamic among your circle of friends sounds pretty unhealthy. You all can flirt with each others partners? And your friend has had sex with 4 of your ex's!? ( How many ex's do you have?)

 

Have you slept with any of his? Seems weird, like he has no boundaries, and you don't set any.

 

If he doesn't care about an emotional affair, and doesn't want to have sex with her - and you are his friend, and he sleeps with your ex's - what about some sort of open arrangement?

 

Personally I think if anyone is doubting a marriage, even the day before the wedding, they shouldn't go through with it. But that's just me.

 

Lucy pretty much is the only reason I'm living here, yes. When i moved away it was because I was suffering a lot of abuse and also some serious situations at my family home. I had to escape, so I just upped and left. I only returned because of her.

 

Realistically, as long as it doesn't get to any level of extreme like sexting/phone sex etc, it's not really a huge deal to us, however, for example..if John flirted with someone outside of the circle of friends, and Lucy found out..that wouldn't go down so lightly, likewise with Lucy if she flirted with someone etc. I have had 5 serious relationships, 4 of which he slept with afterwards which i found out much later. By that time I it was more "oh well..that was years ago.." However much it may bother me. Me and John have had a lot of things happen between us in our past. Some of which i can't share on here. But major incidents and hospitalisation, however we have always managed to laugh it off as a bit of a s**t situation and just move on.

 

I have never slept with any of his girlfriends, or ex's, or people he has been interested in. I have always followed bro code, in all fairness. Which is why i'm so conflicted about the current situation, because it's completely out of character for me. I never thought i would ever be in this situation.

 

Lucy has said to me a few times (before I had any idea she liked me) that she has considered asking John about an open relationship, however she never has. Just as she has told me she has wanted to cheat on John many times (turns out she had me in mind, which i didn't know) but wouldn't be able to bring herself to do that, because that's not who she is. Like i said, both of us feel bad enough already for what we have done.

[Clay]

Your doing the right thing. If you need to move then do it. Never put yourself in this spot again. There are far better women out there. Who cares in the end what her and your friend go through in there relationship. If she doesn't like it then she should leave him and do things the right way. Your going to see plenty of people willing to blur the lines in relationships. If your into that then great but if your not and it sounds like your not then walk away and find someone closer to what you want in a mate.

 

The reward will out way the suffering of the wait.

 

C

[ChickiePops]

Your group of friends sounds really toxic and awful. Moving away and losing touch with all of them is a great plan. Good for you!

 

Maybe be more discerning in your friend choices in the future...

[acrosstheuniverse]

Personally I think if anyone is doubting a marriage, even the day before the wedding, they shouldn't go through with it. But that's just me.

 

Lucy pretty much is the only reason I'm living here, yes. When i moved away it was because I was suffering a lot of abuse and also some serious situations at my family home. I had to escape, so I just upped and left. I only returned because of her.

 

Realistically, as long as it doesn't get to any level of extreme like sexting/phone sex etc, it's not really a huge deal to us, however, for example..if John flirted with someone outside of the circle of friends, and Lucy found out..that wouldn't go down so lightly, likewise with Lucy if she flirted with someone etc. I have had 5 serious relationships, 4 of which he slept with afterwards which i found out much later. By that time I it was more "oh well..that was years ago.." However much it may bother me. Me and John have had a lot of things happen between us in our past. Some of which i can't share on here. But major incidents and hospitalisation, however we have always managed to laugh it off as a bit of a s**t situation and just move on.

 

I have never slept with any of his girlfriends, or ex's, or people he has been interested in. I have always followed bro code, in all fairness. Which is why i'm so conflicted about the current situation, because it's completely out of character for me. I never thought i would ever be in this situation.

 

Lucy has said to me a few times (before I had any idea she liked me) that she has considered asking John about an open relationship, however she never has. Just as she has told me she has wanted to cheat on John many times (turns out she had me in mind, which i didn't know) but wouldn't be able to bring herself to do that, because that's not who she is. Like i said, both of us feel bad enough already for what we have done.

 

You're overlooking the fact that there's a massive difference between flirting and having an emotional affair/falling in love/physical romantic contact.

 

I was about to applaud you for doing the right thing, until I re read it and realised you didn't tell john everything. You left out being in love. Am I right in thinking you managed to portray it as just good friends with maybe slight feelings for each other who cuddled like brother and sister at a time of need?

 

Either way, it's done now. If he doesn't have any issues with what he already knows I can't imagine the love part will bother him and you've wiped your hands of it all. Good luck moving forward.

[bathtub-row]

Here's the only possible scenario that MAY create a happy ending. She breaks off the relationship with her fiancé. He gets hurt and mad and all that crap. They go their separate ways. Your buddy meets someone new eventually.

 

Let a year or two go by. Then one day, tell him that you ran into his ex and the two of you really hit it off. Then say hey dude I know you've moved on and all so would you care very much if I started dating your ex? If he gives you the green light, then great. If he says yeah he would care, then pretend to agree with him. A couple of weeks later, confess to him that you couldn't resist and that you're seeing his ex. At this point, he either goes ballistic or he laughs it off.

 

It really stinks having to lie to a friend in this way but it truly is the only way to possibly have the best of both worlds. But understand that if you and this girl see one another during this time, you'll have to be either very secretive about it, or you could say you're seeing her as a friend. He may be ok with that if he finds out. Then after awhile, tell him that you are interested in her.

 

I say this plan MAY work. It depends on how big of an ego your friend has. He may get very possessive of her again once he knows you're seeing one another. Then again, he may not care all that much.

 

It's a long-shot but maybe worth the effort. Just keep in mind that if this girl marries him and then they divorce, that creates completely different dynamics and you'll never get his blessings to date his ex-wife. And regardless of this plan, this girl needs to call off the wedding. She has no idea the heartache she's inviting into her life by contemplating that it's better to divorce than call off a wedding. This is a very bad plan.

 

Also if she goes through with the wedding, you need to let her know that all private contact with her will end 100%. You cannot keep up even an emotional affair behind your friend's. That's just wrong on so many levels.

[bathtub-row]

I didn't see your previous post about telling your friend. He had a very strange reaction to that news. He seems very shut off from his feelings. But whatever. Their marriage isn't going to work out. I can basically guarantee you that.

 

It may be best if you move away but be prepared to feel very lonely. It's tough starting over in a new place like that. But if you can make new friends and get involved in the area, it can work. Just don't think it's a perfect solution because it can end up making you feel worse.

[Unloved_Rainbow]

So, I had a message off Lucy earlier. (She knows that i posted this stuff on here, as I was with her when I first posted) And she asked me what the replies were, so i sent her a link.

 

She asked me to post this here.

 

[23:16, 9/6/2016] Lucy: As for why am I still marrying? Oh wouldn't it be a lovely world if we could all go to our parents and discuss our life problems reasonably the way were supposed to be able to eh? shame some of us were so heavily abused by our parents we fear more living with them than living in a doomed relationship. Fearing losing them for your "wrong" decisions despite how much you despise them because they're all you know... Hey ho. I guess the world will never learn

...

[23:17, 9/6/2016]*Me:*Well i knew that already, and it sucks..

[23:17, 9/6/2016]*Lucy:*And not just losing them but 99% of the life you built outside of them and your entire security against them

... sigh