did he back off because he did not like my video?

[chumly]

I would love others input on this...

 

to make a long story short..I have been communicating with a man while i have been out of town for almost a month that I met online. we never met in person but exchanged pics and have emailed or phoned each other everyday. Up until about a week ago he was emailing me 3 or 4 times a day and sending very long romantic emails with poems that he wrote to me in them. I initially thought he was coming on too strong but after a while i guess I started to really like all the attention.

However, about a week ago I finally sent him a couple of videos of myself and after that his emails have completely died down. First of all, he did not really compliment my videos right away but eventually several hours after i sent them to him he told me that he thought i looked cute in them. He also told me he was having a bad day that day..he gave me some explanations as to why but it did not seem to make alot of sense. I was wondering if he was disappointed in the way i looked in my videos but did not want to say anything. He still very much wants to meet me when I get back in town next week but I am quite taken back by all of this. I did confront him about it but he said he just got really busy lately and that he realizes that he has not been giving me the attention he once did but assured me that he is still very much interested in me.

Am I right to feel a bit rejected by all of this? it just seems like a major coincidence that he backed off of all the emails and phone calls after I sent the videos. In the few emails and phone calls that we have had since I sent the video he has indicated that he is still very much attracted to me and like I said, he still wants to meet me very much when I get back in town but I somehow still feel slighted somehow by all of this. I mean he went from sending 3 or 4 long emails a day to me to 1 or 2 small emails saying nothing much more than good morning and good night with xoxo at the end.

I almost feel like he is playing head games with me is some ways. He probably never should have come on so strong with me to begin with because look how bad i feel already.

Just wondering what others thoughts are on all of this? am I right to feel a bit rejected here? thanks in advance for any thoughts on this. I am actually thinking of not even bothering with him anymore due to all of this..i feel like he just played such games with my head now.

It actually really helped to write all of this out. I am interested in others thoughts on all of this. Thanks in advance.

[katiegrl]

I think your intuition is correct, he pulled back immediately after viewing your videos, because something about your videos turned him off.

 

What were you doing in the videos? Just curious.

 

I don't think he is playing games.... he simply lost interest and is doing the slow fade.

 

Probably feels guilty for coming on so strong and so would prefer to fade out gradually.

 

JMO

Edited June 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

He could be just telling the truth.

He could be just figuring on getting laid but realized you were not a keeper.

He could have not liked the fact that you even sent video or thought that was too much too soon.

[losangelena]

Who knows why he backed off. This is a great lesson though in making sure you don't get wrapped up in someone before you meet. In my opinion, sending long, romantic emails to someone you don't know is misplaced. Why? You don't even know them! It's all fantasy at this point, right?

 

Keep a loose grip on this guy. If he disappears, he disappears. You will be a-okay.

[Shining One]

It's impossible to be sure at this point. A similar thing happened with my current girlfriend. She was still in the process of moving when we first started talking. I was very communicative early on. It just so happened that she sent me some pictures on the very same day we started our PCI audit at work. My communication dropped and she assumed I didn't like what I saw in the pictures. I reassured her, but she still felt uncertain until we actually met in person.

 

You're feeling extra vulnerable because you just sent the videos, just like she felt when she sent the pictures. Try not to dwell on it too much and just see how things go.

[chumly]

thanks everyone for the responses! The strange thing about him not liking the videos is that he actually seen "stills" of these very same videos prior to my sending them. He seemed to really like the "stills" of the videos. In the videos all I am doing is saying a short greeting in front of my computer. it is really strange to me that he would like the "stills" of the videos but not the videos...I would not think I would look that much worse talking then I do frozen...

 

Another weird thing is that I actually kind of confronted him about taking so long to get back to me with something nice to say about my videos later that day. That night I actually gave him the perfect oppotunity to get out of ever meeting me. We have actually planned a very unusual courtship..we planned on hanging out 10 times with each other before making any decisions about each other. However, he has indicated that he would be almost devastated if I am not willing to go through with this deal that we made at this point. He said this after getting my videos. He said he is looking very much forward to getting to know me this way but at the same time I cant help but feel rejected by his change in attention towards me too.

 

I guess it might not bother me so much if I did not just send the videos to him but like I said, it just seems too coincidental. so on the one hand his emails and calls have died down so much but on the other hand he seems like he is very much still wanting to do this strange pact we made together.

 

Maybe Shining One is right..and maybe he it is just a pure coincidence. The whole thing just does not make much sense.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the replies. I was originally going to send him another video but i think in light of all this I will hold off. I feel bad enough as it is and I guess if he truly did drop interest in me based on videos than he is NOT a person I need to be around anyway. This tells me the kind of person he is and likely why he is still single.

 

Thanks again for all the replies. Still interested in any other thoughts on all of this.

Edited June 8, 2016 by chumly

[preraph]

Who knows why he backed off. This is a great lesson though in making sure you don't get wrapped up in someone before you meet. In my opinion, sending long, romantic emails to someone you don't know is misplaced. Why? You don't even know them! It's all fantasy at this point, right?

 

Keep a loose grip on this guy. If he disappears, he disappears. You will be a-okay.

 

Wise words. It's so much easier to get caught up with someone when you're only seeing about 10 percent of them and can imagine that the rest if your dream lover. Wait until you've dated a few times before gifting him personal stuff like that. Keep some mystery, which is a turn on. But most of all, that way you don't give it away to someone and then meet them and realize they're not at all what they seem. He could be copying that poetry from online or anything. You could at least Skype a few times with someone instead of doing a one-way sending them a video and at least get a taste of what they're like in motion before you meet. Good luck.

[Lois_Griffin]

Chumly, you posted back at the end of May that you'd sent this guy a picture (or a link to a picture) that wasn't overly flattering of you - but depicted more accurately how you look in real life, more than the other photos he's seen of you.

 

And he avoided saying anything to you at all about the photo even though he'd been the one pushing you to send him pictures. Once he got it, he suddenly changed his tune and claimed he hadn't looked at it (if I remember correctly from your other thread he claimed he didn't look at it?) and he said pictures weren't important. He did a complete 180.

 

I'm getting the impression that he's enjoying the fantasy element of this more than the reality. He's got you built up into some kind of fantasy woman in his mind and whenever you send him pictures of what you actually look like (or videos of what you look like moving and talking) he seems to lose interest and back off.

 

It's not 'coincidence' at all. It's happened twice.

[VeveCakes]

3 or 4 long romantic emails a day and you haven't even met?

 

Red flags everywhere. How can you be that into each other when you have known each other a few weeks and have yet to meet?

 

Next time slow it down, this guy was love bombing you. Major red flag. Way too much investment for never meeting.

[Toodaloo]

Chumley you are doing it again...

 

Fretting over a bloke you haven't met and investing WAY too much in a stranger...

 

Quit sending 1000's of pics and videos and meet these men.

 

If they start wanting loads of selfies its for "special sock fodder"...

 

Quit doing it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Why aren't you guys Skyping for heaven's sake?

 

Screw the emails and video messages and get on skype and deal with this head on. You can't escape reality when you're staring at each other trying to make conversation. At least until you actually get in front of each other in real life.

 

Other than that, I agree with others who've said you're both too wrapped up in the fantasy of it all. I fear you'll both end up being greatly disappointed in the end.

[katiegrl]

Why aren't you guys Skyping for heaven's sake?

 

Screw the emails and video messages and get on skype and deal with this head on. You can't escape reality when you're staring at each other trying to make conversation. At least until you actually get in front of each other in real life.

 

Other than that, I agree with others who've said you're both too wrapped up in the fantasy of it all. I fear you'll both end up being greatly disappointed in the end.

 

Agree, in fact HE is so wrapped up in the fantasy that even viewing you on a video is too much "reality" for him.

 

Which is why I suspect he has pulled back on communicating with you since viewing it.

 

I think you should just move on from this guy.

 

I don't see this ending well, should you ever manage to actually meet in person...

[acrosstheuniverse]

 

Another weird thing is that I actually kind of confronted him about taking so long to get back to me with something nice to say about my videos later that day. That night I actually gave him the perfect oppotunity to get out of ever meeting me. We have actually planned a very unusual courtship..we planned on hanging out 10 times with each other before making any decisions about each other. However, he has indicated that he would be almost devastated if I am not willing to go through with this deal that we made at this point. He said this after getting my videos. He said he is looking very much forward to getting to know me this way but at the same time I cant help but feel rejected by his change in attention towards me too.:

 

You "confronted him" because he didn't jump on demand and reply ASAP with lots of lovely compliments when you sent him a video of you waving at camera and saying hello? Are you for real

 

Have you ever actually met? This whole 'we will meet ten times before calling it off' is incredibly weird and smacks so much of desperation it's saddening.

 

Have either of you ever had a relationship before? How old are you guys? Until you meet, it all amounts to nothing. And no wonder he's pulling back, when you throw a fit for him not replying when and how you wanted.

 

People aren't machines where you insert a token and out drops a compliment. Seriously, might be worth having a think about what is going on here and taking a look at your behaviour, the only part of this situation you can control.

[chumly]

thanks everyone for the helpful responses. As far as the skype thing goes..i had an issue with it on my computer but in the future i do plan on using that when i cant meet people right away.

 

yes, maybe it is true that he built me up into some kind of fantasy in his head. I probably have been doing the same thing to an extent with him as well.

 

He emailed me last night and explained that he has been so busy lately and that is why he has not been able to email me as much. It made me think of what shining one said...and that maybe it is just a coincidence after all.

 

However, I agree with those that suggest that I might be better off not meeting him due to all the expectations that are probably going on in our minds now..which is the exact thing we were both trying to avoid. it might be worth meeting him however, if we can both do so without such expectations.

 

I am coming back to town tomorrow but I am thinking that I might just take a few days rest from checking emails and messages so i can just gather my thoughts together on all of this.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the helpful responses. i appreciate it all:bunny:

[amaysngrace]

What are you doing in the videos?

Maybe he's too busy beating off now to write emails.

[Buddhist]

It's really likely that yes those video's burst his bubble about who and what you were in his head. That's not a bad thing at all, because everyone has a fantasy of who they think we are when we first meet. Being confronted with who we really are happens at some point. Better sooner than later.

 

Since then he hasn't refused to meet you or gone dead on the line, he's just scaled back yes? Happens when people are confronted with reality. He probably still likes you but is adjusting his expectations. This moment would have happened after the first meet if not by video anyway. It's a situation you simply can't avoid in relationships.

 

The only way to handle it is to see how things go from here on in. In general everyone has totally unrealistic expectations in relationships. They tend to imagine the initial excitement should last forever and when it doesn't then something is wrong. Nothing is wrong, this is just reality meeting fantasy and reality always wins. When we do not like the reality then a breakup occurs.

[Toodaloo]

Chumley

 

Just quit with the fake/ computer relationships and get a real one.

 

Meet these men in a safe public environment and get to know them face to face.

 

If they do not want to meet. Next them.

 

If you do not get on with them. Next them.

 

If they are rude or you feel uncomfortable. Next them.

 

Just quit giving strangers loads of pictures. Its really weird behavior and once those pictures are out of your hands they are out of your control.

[PrettyEmily77]

One of my friends actually went through this type of 'relationship', i.e. months on end without meeting and when they did eventually meet (after something crazy like 9 months, and there wasn't even the excuse of the long distance thing as they only lived 3 hours apart from each other), he said it was as if they'd always known each other. They're still together 1 year on. Both have been genuine / comfortable and truthful with each other from the beginning though.

 

Plenty of people form bonds over the Internet with people they haven't met yet consider friends so that's not beyond the realm of possibilities - you two are both real people in the real world and the feelings you may have for each other are also, presumably, real for the both of you.

 

That being said, I do think your instincts are correct and that he is backing off because of the video. Sorry OP.

[chumly]

What are you doing in the videos?

Maybe he's too busy beating off now to write emails.

 

just simply sitting in front of my computer introducing myself. He seemed to like the pics of the videos but I guess not the videos.

[amaysngrace]

just simply sitting in front of my computer introducing myself. He seemed to like the pics of the videos but I guess not the videos.

 

Don't get down on yourself. You put yourself out there and he's saying he's still interested in you, right?

 

Maybe he was expecting something a little bit more provocative in the videos and is just being disappointed right now.

 

Or maybe he is having the very same thoughts as you that he's not good enough for you. You just don't know but immediately thinking it has something bad to do with you is not a great reaction to have.

 

You don't know what's on his mind.

[chumly]

thanks so much for the additional replies. Yes, I agree that it probably had something to do with the videos that he backed off. Like I said, it is so hard to believe that I would look so much worse talking then I do in the same exact picture of me talking..lol He really like the pics from those videos..that is the part that baffles me and also a bit hurtful at the same time. In fact, i have been asking a few friends what they think of the video compared to the pics of the video and they are saying there is no difference in the way i look in both...so the whole thing is just weird.

 

I had an awful conversation with him last night. He called me and He was not doing his usual flattering routine that he does to me and was not talking a mile a minute as he usually does so it was up to me to talk and that is when it really hit me that one of the main reasons I liked him was due to all the flattering attention he was giving me, without that I am not finding much of a connection at all.

 

In fact, he is looking less and less attractive to me himself. I guess the reality of the kind of person he truly is is starting to set in for me too. He had a fantasy of me looking a certain way and I suppose I had a fantasy of him acting a certain way. I honestly think the only reason I ever let things get to this point for me is pure loneliness. I work at home but I work oddball hours so I would often finish work at midnight or 1 AM and he was willing to call me at those hours to talk to me so talking to him seemed better than my usual routine of watching TV or playing on the computer.

 

There is also alot of other strange things about him too..such as the fact that he told me he has no friends and does not seem to have any real steady income and lives with his mom. Other than his good looks I can not see too many women having an interest in him when they find out alot about him and for me it really was an interest based on my being so lonely.

 

Anyway, I do feel bad about myself because of this but at the same time I am going to try not to let this affect my self esteem too much. I think the more reality I see of him the more I will realize he is not worth my energy.

 

Thanks again for all the responses and letting me get all of this out. I really appreciate it.

[chumly]

Don't get down on yourself. You put yourself out there and he's saying he's still interested in you, right?

 

Maybe he was expecting something a little bit more provocative in the videos and is just being disappointed right now.

 

Or maybe he is having the very same thoughts as you that he's not good enough for you. You just don't know but immediately thinking it has something bad to do with you is not a great reaction to have.

 

You don't know what's on his mind.

 

 

that is true! I suppose i tend to get overly sensitive about things like that due to a lack of self esteem. I am trying very hard not to take this internally and not allow it to make me feel bad about myself. I have had other people compliment those videos so I think I will just try and dwell on the positive things people have said about me. Thanks so much for the helpful response. I really appreciate it.

[chumly]

It's really likely that yes those video's burst his bubble about who and what you were in his head. That's not a bad thing at all, because everyone has a fantasy of who they think we are when we first meet. Being confronted with who we really are happens at some point. Better sooner than later.

 

Since then he hasn't refused to meet you or gone dead on the line, he's just scaled back yes? Happens when people are confronted with reality. He probably still likes you but is adjusting his expectations. This moment would have happened after the first meet if not by video anyway. It's a situation you simply can't avoid in relationships.

 

The only way to handle it is to see how things go from here on in. In general everyone has totally unrealistic expectations in relationships. They tend to imagine the initial excitement should last forever and when it doesn't then something is wrong. Nothing is wrong, this is just reality meeting fantasy and reality always wins. When we do not like the reality then a breakup occurs.

 

 

this is such a good point! thanks:)

[PrettyEmily77]

Anyway, I do feel bad about myself because of this but at the same time I am going to try not to let this affect my self esteem too much. I think the more reality I see of him the more I will realize he is not worth my energy.

 

Thanks again for all the responses and letting me get all of this out. I really appreciate it.

 

Actually, this may very well be the best exercise in confidence-building and raising your self-esteem! You got to know yourself better and you did that all at your own pace. Don't feel bad, you were both in this situation together.

[chumly]

Actually, this may very well be the best exercise in confidence-building and raising your self-esteem! You got to know yourself better and you did that all at your own pace. Don't feel bad, you were both in this situation together.

 

thanks so much for the great advice. You are so right. thanks again:D