Cheater Looking for Support

[hotdonna]

I admit it, I'm cheating on my husband. I'm not looking for validation here, only advice. Of course, I know what I should do, but it's not always so easy to convince yourself to do the right thing.

 

I won't put a spin on this relationship. I have not had sex with the OM yet, but I plan on it very soon. And, we have had oral sex, which is as much cheating as sex-sex. He also knows about hubby and doesn't care one bit.

 

I don't feel guilty yet because my husband is clueless. I know that there will come a point where my window of opportunity will close and I will have to stop cheating, but that's anywhere from 6 months to a year away. I think that's my problem, I rationalize myself into these situations. This is my first affair, but if it doesn't end in me crashing and burning, I will probably do it again, or just carry this one on as long as the OM will go for.

 

The problem? Me. I am becoming more and more depressed as this thing goes on. I have no one to talk to. Everyone I know is a friend of my husbands, or a co-worker. I can't talk with my co-workers because OM is a co-worker too (go figure). So, I'm hiding this from everyone. I know I probably shouldn't have the benefit of an outlet, but I'd like one, so here I am.

[mikeishurt]

If you want to act single, then be single.

 

Don't screw with your husband's heart.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What about it is causing the depression? The idea of the affair, or the idea of getting caught, or the idea that the affair will one day end? Were you already unhappy before you met OM or did you begin to see your marriage in a negative light only after you initiated your affair? What about the OM makes you feel happy in contrast to your marriage? You need to figure out what is causing you to feel depressed about this and go from there.

 

I guess the first step would be to figure out what it is that got you here. Lets say that you could magically change your husband and your marriage and make it into one where you wouldn't want to cheat on him. What things would you change to make your marriage 'perfect'? Step two would be to figure out if there is something you can actually do in your own heart and together with him to work toward making those changes happen in reality. Step three would be accepting whether or not you want to make those changes in order to make your marriage a more happy one for you. Sometimes, you reach a point where you have to admit to yourself that not only are you unhappy, but the only real change that you wish you could make would be to have a divorce. Do you feel trapped in the marriage? Why do you stay - and think really hard about that: why do you honestly want to stay married? Those answers to yourself should help you begin to work toward a resolution: no matter what that will be.

 

Have you considered going in for marriage counseling to help pinpoint what it is that is missing between you and that you find elsewhere? If not that, then maybe individual counseling to help you through this?

[smile95]

what is wrong w/ your husband that you have to go somewhere else?

[HokeyReligions]

What kind of support are you looking for?

 

I don't know that you will find anyone to say to you "go for it, whatever makes you feel good IS good" well, who knows, you might find that from some people, but I think the majority of people are going to end up bashing you for your choice.

 

Why are you making this choice?

[whichwayisup]

I don't feel guilty yet because my husband is clueless

 

THAT is not a good enough reason to cheat. THAT should make you stop and think. What you're about to do is ruin HIS world, what he loves about you, what he feels, how he trusts you - ALL will be gone when he finds out. Just think of the selfish act you're about to do - Is it worth HIS pain? If you're unhappy in your marriage and don't want to be married to him - End it, get a divorce. He deserves to be with somebody who will love JUST him and not have the desire to cheat.

 

I know that there will come a point where my window of opportunity will close and I will have to stop cheating, but that's anywhere from 6 months to a year away. I think that's my problem, I rationalize myself into these situations. This is my first affair, but if it doesn't end in me crashing and burning, I will probably do it again, or just carry this one on as long as the OM will go for.

 

You're not thinking clearly at all. Don't do it. Don't continue with the OM. If you love your husband (and I think you do, you just aren't "feeling" that love right now) work it out, go to marriage counselling together. Find out what has made you grow apart - Dig down and remember what brought you two together, why you fell inlove with him.

 

You seem to also need one on one therapy. Depression and those negative thoughts WILL take over if you don't do something about it now.

 

Really read what you said in your post. I tell you, YOU deserve better. You're making this awful situation happen, it is already but STOP doing it now. Save yourself, get help and learn to love yourself.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It seems you have thought well enough ahead to have planned a bail out point. Although I'm curious as to how you reached the conclusion of 6 months to a year. (???) The only flaw in this plan is that many affairs are discovered well after they're over. There's also the chance that since you have chosen someone within the same social circle as your husband, that someone will spill the beans much sooner.

 

If I could implore you to do just one thing before taking this any further:

 

Close your eyes and imagine how your world might be turned upside down should you be found out. Are you prepared for your marriage to end? Are you prepared for the reactions of your family, co-workers and friends? Do you have the strength to pick yourself up out of the rubble and put the pieces of your shattered life back together again…perhaps having to start all over from the ground up? Alone?

 

Please consider which course of action might require more work for you … Repairing your marriage now or rebuilding your entire life later?

 

Seems to me a very high price to pay for just a temporary lay.

 

Think. Think. Think.

[Michael86]

Originally posted by hotdonna

I won't put a spin on this relationship. I have not had sex with the OM yet, but I plan on it very soon. And, we have had oral sex, which is as much cheating as sex-sex. He also knows about hubby and doesn't care one bit.

 

You say you haven't had sex with the OM yet........YOU HAVE. Oral sex IS sex. You've already crossed the line and cheated. Don't make matters worse by continuing this. Tell this scumbag that you're done. And then get some help fast. Come clean with your husband. Let him decide if he still wants to be with you.

 

If you can't, then do the right thing and get a divorce. Then you can f#*k whoever you want. Your husband deserves a wife who loves and respects him. And that certainly isn't you. He does NOT deserve what you're doing to him.

 

How the hell would you feel if the situation was reversed?? Ask yourself that question.

 

I pray you don't have children.

[Sal Paradise]

Yeah you've already cheated and had sex, oral sex is sex (as someone already said).

 

What exactly are you looking for here? You say you don't feel guilty, and plan to do go all the way and continue to be a loser by cheating on your husband. So why come here if you don't want advice on how to stop or how to repair the damage? This isn't a support group to help people cope while they cheat. No one here has sympathy for someone who feels depressed while they cheat, no one here is going to help you learn to not feel depressed while you destroy another human beings life.

 

If you want advice on how to stop doing it, how to be honest with your husband, or how to turn yourself back into an actual human being with a heart then we might be able to help you. No one here is going to help you be a horrible person with peace of mind.

 

I don't mean this as a flame either. Its just the brutal truth.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

What kind of support are you looking for?

 

That's my question. You know you're cheating. You don't care that you're cheating. You don't seem to care what the consequences are, so what exactly do you need support for?

 

Regardless of right or wrong, you're doing exactly what you want so what do you need us for?

[sylviaguardian]

Maybe you feel depressed because you realise that you are not a very nice person.

[Grinning Maniac]

I wish to understand something. Why do you feel good about intentionally hurting someone who loves you? Your husband does love you, right? Yet you're perfectly willing to break his heart? For what? What's driving you? Do you even know?

 

What has this man done to you that was so terrible, that you can feel fine about making his life absolutely miserable? Why would you want to hurt him? You didn't have to marry him. No one is forcing you to stay. You could go at anytime, but instead you would rather constantly lie to to his face, insult him as a human being, disgrace him as a man, steal years of his life, and probably make him feel more worthless than dirt.

 

...Why?

 

I don't understand it and maybe I never will. I sure wish that I were fortunate to have enough to have so many people love me that I could afford to spit in one or two of their faces. It sounds liberating. I have been trying to wrap my head around things like this for ages...but it doesn't add up to any solution that doesn't make me want to start snuffing people out like candles in a room full of gasoline cans.

 

Someone actually cares about you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you; they ignore all of your personal flaws and quirks, and just accept you as you are....and in gratitude, you decide to break them in the most painful way possible, and with a spring in your step no less. You have no delusion of a "happy ending". You know what will happen...but you just don't care. Someone actually loves your ass and you're *looking forward* to hurting them. Go you.

 

Behold, the human race... Pathetic. I'm really beginning to realize that we're a worthless species. For all the good we're capable of doing, it's continually outweighed by our selfishness, arrogance, and greed. We're just a sentient disease that ought to be wiped clean from the world. No better than some rabid dog that claws at its own flesh, consumes/mounts/mauls everything in sight, foams at the mouth...and occassionally plays with small children. Feh. We imagine ourselves to be some enlightened and compassionate bunch of talking monkeys; yet we mostly just cause pain, suffering, and destruction on the world entire.

 

Our good deeds and kindnesses are a damned kid's cartoon bandaid when compared to the ****storm of cruelties, degradations, and pointless torments we inflict on each other. I need a shower...Good night. :/

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by mikeishurt

If you want to act single, then be single.

 

Don't screw with your husband's heart.

 

+1

 

Your post said you are looking for support. You won't get "support" for cheating. You will get "advice" so maybe you should change the title to advice and not support.

 

You won't care about my personal opinion but here goes: Cheating is the ONLY sin God will allow for divorce.

[scaredinlove]

You seem very lonely too me.You said that everyone you know is a friend of your husband or a co-worker.Do you love your hubby? Do you love the other man? Maybe you just need a live outside marriage, your individuality and that is why you are looking for a affair.Don't go any further if you don't love the other man. If you do it for love at least you can forgive yourself. Don't go any further, maybe you should find another job and cut relations with the other Man.Wish you luck.