Not sure where to post-Trust Issues

[imsosad]

I was married for 14 years, we have four children.

Last year I met someone,who was also married and has two kids. We fell in love.

We had an EA for four months,before I ended it,not able to bear the deception,the guilt,all of it. We were NC for a yeae, during which he made several attempt to reach out.

 

I later learned he moved out of the marital home. Three months ago we began talking again. We both felt very much in love and knew that we didnt want to break up again.

We decided to both divorce our partners and try to be together.

We both confessed to our partners and all four of us agreed on uncontested divorces.

 

I am shorthanding this, it sounds so simple and practical but it was a snowfall of emotion and drama, alot of back and forth on my part.

They signed an agreement and filed for divorce. We followed two weeks later.

 

Right now, my AP turned BF live seperately, until the children adjust to these changes. He gas not met my children. I have met his, because they are much younger and he has been out of the house for months.

We are trying to make this come together,hoping to defy the dim stats of affairs that turn in to marriages.

 

My concern is trust. I noticed one little thing and asked him about it, I got the feeling his answer was evasive.

Now. I have never been a jealous or suspicious person.Same answer from my STBXH would seem normal.

I know that trust is an issue for affair couples and it maked perfect sense.

 

 

I asked him how he feels about it and he said he trusted me 100%, my marriage was all but over when we met, I never allowed a PA to happen while we were married and I broke off with him.

I cant say the same for him. I told him we are both knowingly entering a R with a liar/cheater, we have to be careful and work on this issue.

 

I want to trust him completely, but I kind of feel like a BS , needing to build trust from scratch (I apologize if it offends Betrayed Spouses, I know I havent gone through the pain you have and probably inflicted similar pain on my h)

Edited June 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs added as best possible

[ladydesigner]

I think trust takes time to build, even in new relationships. I am going to say what you are feeling is probably normal, but realize that no relationship (even an A that became a R) is immune to issues or possibly infidelity.

[Sub]

Can you elaborate on why you "can't say the same for him?

 

I know based on your previous thread, your AP seems a little less grounded than you are, that's why I'm asking.

 

Trust is a tough one. I, for one, don't think you can trust someone 100%. We're human. We make mistakes. We all lie or omit information for various reasons. First thing is just accepting that it's not totally within your control what he says or does. You just have to communicate as much as possible and ask whatever questions you need to ask to feel at ease with the R.

[katielee]

if I left my husband to be with an AP you bet I'd have trust issues. Your AP is a known liar. How can this possibly work?

[Mrs. John Adams]

if I left my husband to be with an AP you bet I'd have trust issues. Your AP is a known liar. How can this possibly work?

 

In all fairness.. Many people do marry their affair partners... And remain married a lifetime.

 

I suppose it is no different than a couple reconciling...

 

I cheated... My husband lives with it

 

Why would it be worse if they cheated with each other?

[imsosad]

Thank ypu all for your comments.

Sub, I can't say the same for him because if I allowed, it would have been a EA/PA, long term. He felt alright having an affair. He felt no guilt towards his wife,along the lines of, what she doesnt know wont hurt her and i try to do nice things for her and i dont love her. I am not sure you have to love a woman in order to feel at least conflicted when cheating on her,especially when pregnant. He never wanted to break off the affair. While I felt it was wrong to begin with, he was happy for it to carry on "as long as no one gets hurt".

I am not perfect, i also participated in lying and cheating but I had intent to put it right and end it,and later-to tell all.

My H and his W are in contact so I know she says they have been emotionally distant fir a long time, but it still bothers me.

I knew all of this and I still want to make it work ,( your worst deeds dont always define you,right?) and i agree that infidelity,lying and other trust issues can occur in almost any marriage.

My M was troubled for a long time prior to the affair, but trust was not an issue. By and large, I believed my H.

I dont want to fall in to a pattern of playing detective or interrogator.

[Lady Hamilton]

I married my AP and we have no trust issues now, several years down the road. I didn't have trust issues with my first husband, but my AP/now husband wouldn't have trusted his then wife to give an accurate weather report. She never cheated, but she lied constantly about all things big and small. As a result, it took longer for my AP (now husband) to build trust with me than it did me to trust him.

 

However, when my AP left and came back, left and came back, left and came back... When he did finally leave and stay with me, I didn't trust it was permanent. Over time, he proved it, and now here we are.

 

Trust is earned and lost. It's not inherent. It takes time to build. Transitioning from wife with live-in partner to girlfriend with live-out partner... It's tough.

[Sub]

...what she doesnt know wont hurt her and i try to do nice things for her and i dont love her.

 

While I felt it was wrong to begin with, he was happy for it to carry on "as long as no one gets hurt".

 

I see this as the big rub. If this is his overall view of how things work, than I think your concerns become more valid. Because if he can treat a pregnant woman who's under the impression she's being loved by him in that way, than why not you, right? I'm not saying that would definitely be the case. Not trying to scare you. But it's definitely something you need to work out with him and he needs to reconcile.

[dichotomy]

He felt alright having an affair. He felt no guilt towards his wife,along the lines of, what she doesnt know wont hurt her and i try to do nice things for her and i dont love her. I am not sure you have to love a woman in order to feel at least conflicted when cheating on her,especially when pregnant. He never wanted to break off the affair. While I felt it was wrong to begin with, he was happy for it to carry on "as long as no one gets hurt".

 

 

Well ya - I would have trust issues too...

 

 

YOU felt guilt/crappy about your role in all this - he did not. That is the guy you are going to build a future with.

 

 

 

P.S.

 

I kind of get it - I married someone and later found out she also lived with no regrets or remorse over being a single mistress. I did not trust her for years.

Edited June 8, 2016 by dichotomy

[ShatteredLady]

Is he the kind of man who usually puts on a tough front, a bit of bravado?

 

I find it truly shocking if he really didn't feel guilty at all for cheating on his pregnant wife.

You don't indicate hatred & resentments from years of HER abuse or infidelity. If it was just a "I don't love her anymore" then I would expect sad feelings about all of his betrayals.

You don't have to be in love with someone to recognize the pain & devastation that you're causing a fellow human being, particularly one who you've shared your life with AND is having your baby.

 

I'd be worried. He sounds cold & shallow. The ability to not feel anything isn't a strength. Everyone I've ever known has mourned the end of their marriage & regretted pain inflicted on past loves regardless of how much the divorce was needed.

 

He's proven that he can easily 'flick the switch' when he wants to. That would really bother me.

[cocorico]

I know that trust is an issue for affair couples and it maked perfect sense.

 

 

Not always. Trust has never been an issue for us. I do not trust easily, but he earned my trust during the A and has never given me any reason to doubt. Yes, he may have lied by omission to the xBW by delaying disclosing the A, but he is beyond reproach in all of his dealings with everyone else, in all other contexts, and his integrity is widely respected.

 

You feel you have reason to doubt your BF because of his conduct towards his xBS. How does his integrity shape up outside of that? How do others (aside from the xBS) regard him? If trust is an issue, it will make your R difficult to sustain. You will need to address this issue - through CC or some other way - or you will struggle. A R where you feel you cannot relax and trust is, IMO, not worth the stress.

[dichotomy]

Another point you mentioned - but I wanted to highlight as a side thing - blending of the families.

 

Even in very "guilt free" situations - two divorced people with ex;s and kids who then meet and fall in love (after being divorced) - bring the kids into that new relationship is a difficult challenge. I know this as well personally.

 

But your kids are going to be aware - or will be - of what happened. Challenging indeed for both of you.

 

Stepfamilies and blending is so hard and I have seen it cause many problems.

[Sassy Girl]

You sound much like my sister was with her affair partner. They thought they were the real deal, left marriages for each other. They thought their love was 'real'. They would never cheat again, and certainly not on each other. The fallout was painful.

 

But she was always suspicious of him. She couldn't trust. They had a very rocky relationship and 6 months after they left their marriages he moved in.

 

First it was text messages.

 

Then it was Facebook chats

 

She bought his stories, shrugging it off as her being paranoid.

 

She got pregnant.

 

3 weeks after the baby was born the bomb was dropped.

 

She was not his first affair. Or even second. He was seeing another married women before my sister even left her husband that continued up through my sisters pregnancy. She used to come and pick him up from My sisters house.

 

I'll never forget my sister telling me "he's just not the man I thought he was!"

But it was the fog. He's exactly the man she knew he could be, because she did it with him. And all that trouble in the relationship was her gut screaming at her that something wasn't right. And she screamed at him that her ex husband would NEVER have done to her what he did. She left a good man... For this.

 

And now she's a single mother and he's trolling dating websites from his mothers second bedroom.

 

Don't ignore your gut.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[amaysngrace]

If they cheat with you they'll cheat on you.

 

At least that's what I hear.

[bubbaganoosh]

Think about it. You both cheated and lied to your spouses so how do you trust? If it happens once then in my opinion it will happen again but the second time is usually easier since you know the in's and outs. Can't see how this could work out unless you both sleep with one eye open for the rest of your lives.

[Mrs. John Adams]

at the same time...there are lots of couples here that are in reconciliation....they too must deal with trust issues.

 

So if your spouse cheats you must deal with trust issues

 

 

if you cheat with each other...you deal with trust issues

[merrmeade]

What about a postnuptial agreement or pre-emptive couples counseling? Something to get you both talking about your concerns, strengths, hopes. You'd talk about this in the context of common issues that concern former APs who marry. You'd also talk about the positives - what works, the reasons you decided to stay together, shared dreams, etc.

 

Can't believe I'm even thinking about this as a BS but, hey, everyone needs to move on and have a chance. Why not get started on the right foot?

[Lois_Griffin]

He felt alright having an affair. He felt no guilt towards his wife,along the lines of, what she doesnt know wont hurt her and i try to do nice things for her and i dont love her.

Did he tell you that you were his first affair?

 

If he did, someone's pants are on fire.

[imsosad]

Well, his STBXW days he never strayed and she knew/felt exactly when it began with me. When he disclosed,she wasnt too shocked and figured out the timeline by herself.

Listen,I did have doubts about being his first for these reasons exactly. He says he felt some guilt, but during the A he was too high and during NC he was too low. He had few occasional pangs of guilt,but he never considered it reason to end things.

I worry about it, I admit.

His ex told my H he was a pretty good husband but she sensed several years ago that he didn't love her anymore. I get it, but I dont think it excuses any of it. I really want him to explore what made him turn to having an A,but i cant do it for him,only for myself.

[Lady Hamilton]

Guilt is a funny thing.

 

When I had my affair, I didn't feel a lot of guilt. My husband at the time and I had gotten to a point of total disconnect. We both were at a point where we weren't into the marriage but felt obligated to try, but didn't want to. When he found out about my affair, he wasn't surprised, and after a brief R that neither one of us were into, we separated and divorced in what will probably be known as the easiest divorce since the invention of divorce.

 

So there was not a lot of guilt because we both knew we were not in a relationship with each other anymore. It was a shook to others because we didn't invite them into our troubles, but for us... Not a shocker.

 

If your partners wife knew of the affair, when it started, says they've been unplugged for awhile, and now they're amicably divorcing then his lack of guilt may very well be for the same, exact reasons. The marriage was over, they both knew it, they were just waiting for somebody to say it. And when somebody did, relief, a handshake, and everybody goes their separate ways.

 

Marriage carries a lot of obligation, and if they were in the crowd of "divorce isn't an option, we will be married foreverrrrr" like I was, being smacked with the 2x4 of "holy crap, I made a mistake, what do I do now?" is a hell of a thing. If you're financially dependent on your partner, have close connections with their family, or there's prestige to the relationship, then doubly so.

[goodyblue]

Coco and I have always had lots of parallels in our relationships. I did exactly what she suggested: looked at what he was like with people outside the marriage. He has a stellar reputation in his business dealings, his friends, his family. There was only one affair, ours. It is difficult to say I regret the A because we really are better suited and happy. But in the end, I wish he had left first.

 

We don't have trust issues at all. We are lucky. This is something you need to deal with before things get too serious. I think also that if you are having trust issues, if you love one another it can be overcome with a little work.

 

I wish you luck and hope everyone heals, that things are good for everyone.

[thummper]

If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

[Lady Hamilton]

If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

 

Which is, of course, a great fear-inducing cautionary tale in the form of pop Pinterest psychology, but not on the whole true.

[Sub]

If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

 

Anyone can cheat, IMO. Trust is an issue within any relationship, and it may not just have to do with the fear of a potential A.

[goodyblue]

If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

 

I guess if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that, go ahead. But it is a fallacy.

 

I hope you have never stolen a piece of candy as a kid, that mAkes you a thief for life. I hope you never said anything gossipy, that mAkes you a gossip for life. That time you said you were sick to stay home from work and you weren't, lifetime liar.

 

I believe in forgiveness. In redemption. In growth.

Edited June 9, 2016 by goodyblue