abusive boyfriends

[southern_comfort]

Ok, a minor problem... One of my friends is dating a guy I'm afraid might become abusive. He is very possesive, and was mentally abusive to her a few months ago. He straightened out (mostly because one of my friends and I made it loud and clear that we were gonna beat the ##### out of the boy if he didn't), but I still don't like the guy. Part of the reason I don't like him is because of my feeling for her, I really liked her a lot last summer. I took a couple of months off to get myself straightened out (she didn't want to go out with me), but I still care a lot about her.

 

The way he used to treat her really made me mad. He would get angry because she hung out with her guy friends (me included), storm off in a rage, and come back later, very drunk, and beg her forgiveness. And once, she was talking to a few of her friends at a ball game, and he came over and grabbed her by the arm and dragged her off... and left bruises where he grabbed her. I was taught that leaving a bruise on a woman, for any reason whatsoever, was a killing offense. It's just not something a guy does.

 

he's cleaned up his act recently. Now he treats her with a little more respect, although he tries to occupy all of her time and keep her other friends from her. I have agreed to give him one more chance, for her sake. But I don't like him, I don't respect him, and I don't trust him. What if one of these days he hits her, or worse? I want to get her out of this relationship before she gets badly hurt, but she doesn't want to end it. She has a big heart, and doesn't want to hurt him by breaking up with him. How do I protect her from getting hurt by him, while keeping her friendship? Or do I have to just sit back on my heels and let her get hurt? I need an answer, please.

[Tony T]

First of all, we have to clarify something. You are NOT her friend. You are a rejected suitor who is upset because she won't go out with you and you are chomping at the bit for this relationship to break up so you can possibly get another chance (which probably wouldn't happen anyway).

 

Now, her life is none of your business. She has to go through all the things necessary for her growth without your interference, especially the way you feel about her. Butt out and let her do her own thing.

 

YOUR QUESTIONS:

 

1. "What if one of these days he hits her, or worse?"

 

The law requires this be reported and, if the police find sufficient evidence, they will properly charge him. Everybody alive with a few fingers is a potential murderer. It only takes one finger to pull the trigger of a gun. But the police can't just go out and preemeptively arrest everybody with fingers so they won't hurt anybody. This guy she's dating is absolutely innocent until he does something. Go ask your friendly corner police officer. That's provided for in the U.S. Constitution and in most laws of other countries around the world.

 

2. "I want to get her out of this relationship before she gets badly hurt, but she doesn't want to end it."

 

What you want is immaterial here. You want her out of the relationship because you are jealous as hell. This guy beat you out. I'm sure you don't want her hurt either but she's a big girl and she can take care of herself...even if she is injured.

 

You always have the option of going and getting him if he does something. Of course, you will end up in jail as well and I mayself will then go after this girl while you are incarcerated.

 

3. "She has a big heart, and doesn't want to hurt him by breaking up with him."

 

No, she doesn't want to hurt him because for some morbid reason she likes bad guys. You are a nice guy and you lost out because of it. If this girl is with an abusive guy, she is insane and no good for you. Go find a rational lady who likes guys like you. Women who go for abusive guys have lots of head problems, usually from their childhood, and you don't need that crap. Some women from nice families go for bad guys at a certain age as some sort of juvenile protest but they grow out of it eventually as they mature.

 

4. "How do I protect her from getting hurt by him, while keeping her friendship?"

 

Unless she employs you as a body guard at a reasonable salary, you have no business protecting her. She is quite capable. Butt out and forget this. You are getting yourself worked up about somebody else's life and you should be mostly concerned about your own.

 

Even if you did go to jail for beating this guy up, this lady you like would just find another guy to have a relationship with and you would just be another big fool behind bars. Nice guys finish....well, you know!

 

5. "Or do I have to just sit back on my heels and let her get hurt?"

 

No, you go about your life in a normal way. I know you have lots of activities and things to do to keep you occupied. Wish this lady well. If she gets beat up, go visit her in the hospital if you want. But if you keep interfering in her life in any way, you will become an irritation, an annoyance, a nuisance, and she just won't ever want to see your face.

 

You have made your views known to this guy. Now just get OUT of their business. You are the one who is getting worked up. Her boyfriend has more reason to be worried about you than you have being worried about him.

 

If you happen to be in the vicinity when you see her being harmed, the law allows you to intervene but ONLY to the extent of stopping the harming action. You may not beat up somebody to punish them. Punishment is a matter for the legal system.

 

I hope in all of life you will learn to stay out of other people's business unless they invite you in. And even then, understand people usually only want to hear what they want to hear....just like you, who is mad as hell about all what I have written here.

 

Move on and enjoy your life. Stop worrying about the business of others.

[southern_comfort]

Okay, this is not only unhelpful, it is insulting too. She and I are verygood friends, to this day. She and I make a point of keeping in contact. There are several reasons why both she and I decided that we should not go out- it was as much my decision as hers. She and I share a bond between us that is closer than friendship. I have not been beaten out by this guy, I simply didn't ask her out in the first place. I don't really want to, because it might destroy our friendship. If she wants to go out with me, she will let me know. I would never force my attentions on her. But I will trust her, guard her, and be her friend for as long as she wants. But I feel as if I am failing in my duty to her if she is hurt by this guy. And yes, if you want to know, I am going out with someone else right now.

 

If this is the kind of help you people give out here, i don't want it. You don't seem to understand that she if about to get hurt badly. Her father used to beat the ##### out of her. her first sexual experience was date-rape. She has never had a decent, caring boyfriend, except for when she went out with my best friend. To this day I regret them breaking up. Thanks for the help, but you are talking out of your ass.

[Tony T]

If this girl is such an invalid due to her past that she must depend upon you to guard her in life, she may be eligible for disability payments and other special services from the state.

 

You are failing in your duty as WHAT if this guy hurts her? Has she asked you to guard her in some way?

 

Well, if she has some special need that you did not post about, if she has a special disability that you did not make me aware of, then I absolutely apologize. You did not point out to me that she was mentally or physicially challenged and in need of your constant oversight.

 

I stand corrected and am sincerely sorry.