Looking for others perspectives.

[Oran]

I do agree

 

During my A, neither of us ever spouse bashed or future faked. That being said, I didn't think a lot about the bw during that time either. I can only speak to my side of things, but I totally lost myself in the affair. I lost sight of even myself, to where I wasn't thinking clearly about my actions or their consequences. No excuse for it, but that's the honest truth.

 

This rings true for me too Sabella, I split myself in two.

[Oran]

I like Byron Katie. Something in me is a little skeptical of her process, can't put my finger on it. But in the work she does she seems to really get to the heart of the matter of what is causing people distress. It seems like a mix between a Buddhist outlook and radically stripping back the projections that we place on other people. So I decided to follow her process using the very contradictory, but true feelings that I have towards exAP.

 

My statement was 'exAP is a manipulative and selfish man, and I do not want him to be happy without me'. You have to go through a number of turn arounds in the thought, which shift your position and ultimately lead to advice to yourself.

 

Some of the turnarounds:

I am a manipulative and selfish woman, and I do not want exAP to be happy without me. *gulp, oh God!*

I am a manipulative and selfish woman, and I do not want to be happy without exAP. *that hole I'm digging is getting bigger*

exAP is a respectful and generous man, and I do not want him to be happy without me.

exAP is a respectful and generous man, and I want him to be happy without me.

 

Yikes!

The next stage is to go through what exAP should have done, then turn it around.

 

exAP should leave his wife - I should leave his wife (alone)

exAP should set up home with me - I should set up home with me

exAP should ask my forgiveness - I should ask my forgiveness

exAP should apologise - I should apologise

exAP should always want me - I should always want me

exAP should have protected me - I should have protected me

exAP should have honoured me - I should have honoured me

exAP should love me - I should love me

without exAP I have nothing - without me I have nothing

 

What an eye opener. What a clear list of advice to myself.

 

Yikes.

[Lobe]

What an eye opener. What a clear list of advice to myself.

 

Yikes.

 

Yikes indeed. I think most of the IC I have had has been similar in process. There's a saying my IC mentioned once about you can't fix your marriage or your spouse, but you can fix yourself and if you're OK, everything else will be OK. Obviously that's heavily paraphrased and overly simplified, but the concept is in the same vein. Our MC even said something similar, when my WH was dragging his feet about IC.

 

Oooooh, MC is gonna be FUN next week!

[Oran]

I didn't think it was flippant Oran. I think most women would prefer to think it's all about sex because then it's easy to label the actors. "Cum-sponge for a perverted sex addict" is easier to stomach than "witty, intelligent lunch partner who makes my husband feel alive inside." I prefer to think of my WH's xOW as a vacuous immoral predatory jizz receptacle with disease-infested fist-sized gaping holes, not someone who became my WH's BFF because I was too preoccupied to see that my husband felt as unloved and insecure as I did.

 

Likewise, I think APs will find it easier to envision the BS as uptight, cold, demanding, unloving, asexual, unsympathetic, etc. v. the person who your MM/MW once pursued, wooed, and loved enough to say, "I do," to a committed relationship, kids, mortgages - all the things they can't or won't give the AP because they are second fiddle...

 

Lobe, I've kidnapped your post from over on Immokk's thread and copied it over here to mine, because I felt that I'd hijacked her thread with my post. I met my exAP's BW in person, not through choice, but in hindsight, I'm glad I did. At the end of our conversation she said that she thought that in many ways we were very alike. That rang true for me. Why wouldn't exAP be attracted to someone that reminded him of the person he'd fallen so deeply in love with, he chose to marry them? She made snidey comments about my appearance, I'm a good cook, and in the time I did live with AP, I went up 2 dress sizes because I was unhappy and ate. She on the other hand had been unhappy and didn't eat. I can understand why she wanted to hurt me. And to some women, appearance is power.

 

I've been thinking a lot about devaluation lately. That as an A comes to light and unravels, the process of devaluation, which began with the initial devaluation of the BS, as it comes to light, the process of devaluation runs like an untethered wild animal through the thoughts of everyone involved. WS - I didn't really love AP, it was immature, limerance, sex based. BS - OP is less than, pathologised, damaged, sex-crazed, immoral. OP - exAP is a user, narcissistic, M is doomed to failure because of their flaws and the inherent flaws in the M, if things had been OK, they wouldn't have strayed.

 

In posting here my own thoughts as I'm exiting an A, I am aware that I am falling into many of these devaluation traps, and I say traps because I think they are ultimately unhelpful ways of thinking. If OW is such a disease ridden, fist size holed cum bucket, what does that say about the MM involved with her? If BS is such a cold, frigid, control freak, what does that say about OW? Maybe that's just MM's type?

 

What I realised in the final conversations with AP was that despite all the difficulties that they endured, he still loved her. And in meeting BS I realised that despite all that he, we, had done, she still loved him. I found it really useful the other day to do the Byron Katie exercise, because it helped me to untangle all the contradictory strands in my thinking. Did I love AP? Yes. I believe I did. And if that is true, did I stop loving him when I realised he still loved his wife? No. But I did leave. I realise that if I love him, why would I wish him any further unhappiness.

 

Any anger that I feel is really mine, triggered by me, mine to deal with, mine to find peace with.

[Oran]

So, week 2 NC. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. I found a great resource over at affair.advice.wordpress.com written by a MM who was a fAP. I think there are lots of useful posts there if anyone else is interested.

 

How's it been these last 2 weeks? Well, I realise I'm lucky. A friend has stepped up and been in regular contact with me by phone and social media. I've gotten over the disappointment when messages come in that it's not HIM. And I'm very grateful that I don't have that communication abyss to deal with immediately.

 

Just a few days ago I was hit in the face by a truck of missing him. Seemed to come out of nowhere. I realise that some part of my mind is trying to map out whether his R will be successful or not, based on what I know of his character.

 

As I mentioned before, in final conversations I had with AP, I said if R was what he wanted then he should tell his wife everything, and give the R 110%. I thought it would be better to be loved for who he actually was, than someone he was pretending to be. Do I think he will do this? No. I don't think he will. He has realised that he was on the brink of losing everything if he was to live his life with me. It is impossible for me to say whether that 'everything' was largely about material assets, or love. I have my opinion, and it is simply that. A man who is motivated by fear of loss is not going to reveal information which may send that loss hurtling headlong over a cliff. A MM who has kept secrets for decades is unlikely to suudenly become Mr Transparent. Again, perhaps I'm wrong. And if I hope for change for myself, then I do a disservice by believing change is not possible for MM. However, this is simply what I'm thinking.

 

As for me, which is squarely where my focus SHOULD lie, I realise that I need to build up my social circle, reach out to friends, and reclaim my life.

[Lobe]

So, week 2 NC. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. I found a great resource over at affair.advice.wordpress.com written by a MM who was a fAP. I think there are lots of useful posts there if anyone else is interested.

 

I read a lot of his stuff and told WH to as well. His xAP was unglued a bit too...

 

I've been doing a lot of reading about lies/coping/addiction. I stumbled across this little gem here today. youtube.com/watch?v=aqhzFd4NUPI

[rumblefish12]

Just a few days ago I was hit in the face by a truck of missing him. Seemed to come out of nowhere. I realise that some part of my mind is trying to map out whether his R will be successful or not, based on what I know of his character.

 

I know the feeling. I was walking the dog with my BW last night and my ExAP drove by with her husband. God only knows what kind of insane bull$*it she has told him, but she waved at me and said something to him. Fortunately my BW wasn't paying attention. But that occurrence started this whole new torrent of missing her. I waffle between "thank god it's over and ExAP hasn't shown up on my doorstep" and "Dammit! Why doesn't she call me?!"

 

But the only fair thing for me to do is leave her alone. I'm like your MM, Oran. When we broke things off it was just because it was getting unworkable. My exAP was seemingly all for it as well. Two weeks later exAP called me in a panic because she realized I had deleted all my social media accounts. I told my exAP at that time that I was making a genuine effort to improve things at home which included remaining NC. My exAP was really hurt by that, I think. I take it she thought it would be like every other time and we'd cave in after a respite. I was in a better place two weeks in to NC -- I was feeling strong about doing the right thing. Now, at 3 months NC I'm a basket case.

 

Obviously it is the right thing to do and I want to be rid of this monkey that's been on my back for 3 years. The withdrawal is ridiculous though. So, for those that are wondering "DOes the MM think about me?" I can tell you, he does. A lot. He is in terrible pain as well. But none of that should change doing the right thing and pushing through the pain until perception is healed. (that may be more for myself than anyone else)

[OneLov]

So, week 2 NC. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. I found a great resource over at affair.advice.wordpress.com written by a MM who was a fAP. I think there are lots of useful posts there if anyone else is interested.

 

 

Infidelity Help Group

 

Infidelity Help Group is also a good one. The articles are written by a WH as well.

[Oran]

I know the feeling. I was walking the dog with my BW last night and my ExAP drove by with her husband. God only knows what kind of insane bull$*it she has told him, but she waved at me and said something to him. Fortunately my BW wasn't paying attention. But that occurrence started this whole new torrent of missing her. I waffle between "thank god it's over and ExAP hasn't shown up on my doorstep" and "Dammit! Why doesn't she call me?!"

 

But the only fair thing for me to do is leave her alone. I'm like your MM, Oran. When we broke things off it was just because it was getting unworkable. My exAP was seemingly all for it as well. Two weeks later exAP called me in a panic because she realized I had deleted all my social media accounts. I told my exAP at that time that I was making a genuine effort to improve things at home which included remaining NC. My exAP was really hurt by that, I think. I take it she thought it would be like every other time and we'd cave in after a respite. I was in a better place two weeks in to NC -- I was feeling strong about doing the right thing. Now, at 3 months NC I'm a basket case.

 

Obviously it is the right thing to do and I want to be rid of this monkey that's been on my back for 3 years. The withdrawal is ridiculous though. So, for those that are wondering "DOes the MM think about me?" I can tell you, he does. A lot. He is in terrible pain as well. But none of that should change doing the right thing and pushing through the pain until perception is healed. (that may be more for myself than anyone else)

Thanks for your post rumblefish12. Yep, swinging between being grateful for NC and being hurt that they're not attempting NC, I'm there too, as illogical as it is. I wrote exAP a letter on the day I packed up and left. I asked him to respect 100% NC, and said that if I was weak and contacted him, I asked him to please help me be strong and maintain NC. That b*stard is doing exactly what I asked him to do, lol.

I'm lucky in that both his marital home and new place of work are a couple of hundred miles away from my home town. I don't know how I'd be feeling if I saw him on a semi-regular basis about town.

My exAP is a troubled man and has experienced personal traumas which no one would ever wish to experience. I shoot portraits and quite early on I asked him to sit for me. One image in particular stood out. I had the distinct feeling of a boxer that had gotten up off the canvas one too many times. I don't mean pug nose and cauliflower ears, he was beyond exhausted. I think in some respects he grabbed onto the A for dear life hoping that it would bring him a kind of healing. That's what I think of now. I did-do love him, and I want him to be healed, I want him to feel better. And if the best place for that to happen for him is with his BW and family, so be it.

[Oran]

I read a lot of his stuff and told WH to as well. His xAP was unglued a bit too...

 

I've been doing a lot of reading about lies/coping/addiction. I stumbled across this little gem here today. youtube.com/watch?v=aqhzFd4NUPI

That's one sassy lady speaking in the video, Lobe. Likey.

[Oran]

Infidelity Help Group

 

Infidelity Help Group is also a good one. The articles are written by a WH as well.

 

Thanks OneLov, there looks like there is great material and resources here. I'd already had a look at some of Dr George Simon's work. I think part of my deconstruction of what has been happening over the last 3 years is trying to work out to what degree narcissism is simply part of the A mechanism, and to what degree it's personally attributable. If that makes sense?

[Oran]

I'm zipping around my head at breakneck speed at the moment, repositioning and reconceptualising the A and everyone involved in it. At one moment I'm in the zone with everyone is essentially good, everyone makes mistakes, we all suffer - this leads to 'my exAP needs to heal and if that happens in the arms of BS, so be it'. The next minute I'm down with 'cheaters are inherently narcissistic and entitled' - this leads to, exAP has returned to BW out of self preservation, his inherent personality flaws doom R to failure, glad he's with her and not me.

 

I've always liked the end scene of the Cohen film, Burn After Reading;

CIA supervisor: Jes** f*****g C*****. What did we learn Palmer?

Palmer: I don't know Sir.

CIA supervisor: I don't f*****g know either. I guess we learned not to do it again. I'm f****d if I know what we did.

Palmer: yes Sir. It's hard to say.

 

I don't mean to absolve myself of responsibility. It's just difficult to understand what's happened. I've spent 3 years in an A where my exAP said one thing, and quite clearly did another.

 

I keep thinking about a boy I went to school with, let's call him Jimmy. Me and Jimmy were book smart. He recently friended me on FB. We got along in school, but Jimmy was difficult. In our later years at school we started dating and he moved to another town. Despite living miles away and rarely making contact Jimmy continued to believe I was his girl. I hadn't seen or heard from him in months, so I started hanging out with another guy. Jimmy found out, and to express his displeasure, he phoned me up and yelled at the top of his voice 'whore' down the telephone. Years later he contacted me and told me that he was gay. I realised then, that I had been a useful cover for him. Our hometown was not - is not, a liberal place. While he lived his life in another town, largely ignored me, I served the purpose of masking his homosexuality. He has never apologised for that phone call. I don't even know if he would remember it. I, on the other hand, will never forget it. I always framed his difficult behaviour in light of struggling with coming to terms with his identity. Flicking through his FB timeline recently, it suddenly struck me that the simple truth is-was, Jimmy is simply a jerk. He used me as a cover.

 

People who know me would, I think, consider me an empathic person. I have been wrestling with Jimmy and his like for years. Dr George Simon talks about his incredulity when people mistakenly see offensive behaviour as defensive behaviour. I am a bleeding heart liberal, willing to pick up others dirty laundry in a bid to was it clean myself.

 

Again, all these meanderings in thought come back to one realisation, my responsibility is to work on myself, no-one else.

[Lobe]

People who know me would, I think, consider me an empathic person. I have been wrestling with Jimmy and his like for years. Dr George Simon talks about his incredulity when people mistakenly see offensive behaviour as defensive behaviour. I am a bleeding heart liberal, willing to pick up others dirty laundry in a bid to was it clean myself.

 

Out. Out of my head. Enough already. lol

 

I remember feeling this intense disgust and a deep sense of injustice reading "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry. I was outraged and incensed. The very idea of untouchables makes me cringe, but I never really realized the parallels between how willingly they accept their lot in life and my own willingness and perhaps even eagerness to "stay in my place" and perform magnificently, defending my right to be an exemplary underdog amongst underdogs. To prove what - that I am good enough? Forgiving? Likeable? Magnanimous? So that I move up a caste in the next life?

 

MC last night our therapist asked me about my flawed logic: I am magic and can fix and handle and cope with everything if I just take it on myself and not let anyone else know or see how broken and hurt I am. He asks me why and I say because it's just easier than burdening others with my issues. I am scared people will leave or avoid me if they don't think I've got it together - nobody can handle the crazy friend for more than a few drinks every other month. They'll treat me like I'm about to crack and I'll feel like a goddamned pariah. Or they think it's an invitation for them to therapize me, because of course no one is as f*cked up as me. "Oh, girlfriend, you need to get ova yahself..." Uh, yeah - I know - that would be why I am in counselling... Thanks for the tip...

 

In my case, I think my willingness to take on others' dirty laundry as my own goes well beyond conflict avoidance and is actually a form of cognitive dissonance where instead of me making excuses for my own bad behaviour to justify hurting others, I in fact justify it for others to treat me badly, so I can keep on the sunny side... always look on the bright side of life... remind myself to be happy for the crumbs. My flawed logic would tell me: Jimmy can call me names because at least he's still my friend and being gay is harder than sticks and stones. I have tried to stake a claim on the blame for my husband's affair because I feel like it if makes it easier for my husband to recover from his guilt and shame, we can move along faster because I can handle it, and he cannot. WTF is that? I know this is flawed logic.

 

I have taught people how to treat me by being passive and gracious and tolerant. It makes me extraordinarily good at diffusing tense situations - you want me at your union meeting - but in my personal life it makes me a doormat. Identifying my soft spots is equivalent to showing others where to stab me and my belief is that if they know where it is, they can't help themselves so it's my fault if I get hurt. Which of course feeds the idea that if I am unhappy because of a situation, it is because I have somehow chosen and created it, so that should make me feel empowered. If I don't believe in an afterlife, when does the "reward" for being such a good person come?

 

MC did not have curry for us, by the way - I was a little sad about that. For what he's charging us, he can afford to bring us a doggy bag.

 

Are you in IC at all? Because girl, you have got to get over yourself...

[Oran]

Are you in IC at all? Because girl, you have got to get over yourself...

Hahaha! Let me share my smorgasbord of experiences with you. I've done IC on 2 different occasions, both triggered by the break up of a relationship. Didn't find it massively helpful tbh. Maybe I wasn't ready for it. I think I wanted to clinically dissect the failed relationship (and lover) and label it/them. Didn't really understand at the time that the end process could have been self-realisation. Nope, I wanted my ex well and truly labelled.

 

Did GC for 6 months and was creeped out by one dude who always came to the group in an immaculate and expensive, suit, shirt and tie. I always felt he had a lot to hide. I opened the newspaper one day and there was Mr Immaculate Suit, he had been caught in a police sting, trying to procure underage girls from a prostitute; he was a lawyer. At that time I thought, I may have some problems, but not the kind of problems he has. I wondered if I'd accidentally stumbled into the therapy group for 'very bad' people.

 

I have attended the Prada of therapy, dahling, a week long residential which shall remain nameless where you get to batter f*ck out of a pillow and scream 'I f*cking hate you mother' and you pay incredible sums of money to do so. Hmm, mildly entertaining if anything, especially the facial expressions of the staff in the hotel where the event was held. I kept being told off for being uncooperative. Although by the end of the week my visualization meditations were mind bending. No mushrooms required.

 

One person who I've been to, who I genuinely feel has helped me, is, wait for this, ahem...a shaman. I know, I know, hippy dippy ****. But the exchange-experience that I had with her is something that I still reflect on years later. And I also think, if therapy is going to teach me to be better, then the therapist themselves should be an example of whatever they are expounding, right? Well, shaman lady is one chilled out happy woman.

 

I think people are basically like belly buttons, you're either an innie or an outie, we either have a strong tendency to project or absorb. I am a human washing machine. I have a strong tendency to absorb (introject) so I'm like crack cocaine to those whose overt tendency is projection (enter stage left a string of narcissistic lovers and friends). I absorb others energy and then just tumble it around inside myself. It was only when my father became very ill that I realized what a bunch of needy toads I'd surrounded myself with.

 

I do think it's important to know yourself. We can only truly help ourselves. IMO. And if we know ourselves, it helps to understand who we might be attracted to, and who we might attract.

 

So, there we go. I have been a jerk magnet.

[Lobe]

I have attended the Prada of therapy, dahling, a week long residential which shall remain nameless where you get to batter f*ck out of a pillow and scream 'I f*cking hate you mother' and you pay incredible sums of money to do so. Hmm, mildly entertaining if anything, especially the facial expressions of the staff in the hotel where the event was held. I kept being told off for being uncooperative. Although by the end of the week my visualization meditations were mind bending. No mushrooms required.

 

I think I attended the same session... I'm still haunted by the visualization during which we turned the room peach. No mushrooms required to get the entire group into a collective, but we were supposed to transform the peach energy to orange and bend spoons with our sexual minds. No refunds were given to those of us who were unsuccessful at spoon bending - but an offer to sign up for the next level at a discounted price if we acted right then...

 

I think you're right about attracting a certain type, being attracted to a certain type. Do you think if you figure out how to flip that internal switch you'll be able to flip poles and attract less destructive partnerships?

 

I read a book call "In Sheep's Clothing" which I picked up because it was supposed to be a self-help book for people but turned out to actually be an unauthorized autobiography of every friend and lover I had ever had lol. If you're on the prowl for enlightening material, that one's a gooder!!!

[Oran]

I think you're right about attracting a certain type, being attracted to a certain type. Do you think if you figure out how to flip that internal switch you'll be able to flip poles and attract less destructive partnerships?

 

I read a book call "In Sheep's Clothing" which I picked up because it was supposed to be a self-help book for people but turned out to actually be an unauthorized autobiography of every friend and lover I had ever had lol. If you're on the prowl for enlightening material, that one's a gooder!!!

I've not read the book itself but watched a lot of YouTube vids by the author, Dr George Simon. He's the guy that's exasperated by the interpretation of offensive behavior as a kind of defense, ie Jimmy only called me a whore because he's struggling with his sexuality. Nope, Jimmy called me a whore because he's a jerk. Anyway, he used to be quite stunning looking (Jimmy), but now he's pretty fat and weird looking; I'm only saying that because I'm a jerk. Haha.

 

Yeah, the attraction thing. I think there is something about being needed by someone who is narcissistic that becomes apparent very early on, because we give them what they need, attention, care, being listened to. I think for me, because I've always been a bit lacking in confidence, I've mistaken that 'need' in them for evidence of their interest in me. The normal-balanced person that is kicking around, keeping appropriate boundaries. always giving as much as they're taking - they fade into the background because of that hook that I have that draws me to the narcissist.

 

I'm quite jealous that your Prada of therapy group managed to morph into the Borg. It freaks me out a bit though, the capacity to manipulate a group like that. I felt like Michael Caine in the Ipcress File trying to fight against the destruction of his individual consciousness....My name is Harry Palmer, My name is Harry Palmer....

[Lobe]

He's the guy that's exasperated by the interpretation of offensive behavior as a kind of defense, ie Jimmy only called me a whore because he's struggling with his sexuality. Nope, Jimmy called me a whore because he's a jerk. Anyway, he used to be quite stunning looking (Jimmy), but now he's pretty fat and weird looking; I'm only saying that because I'm a jerk. Haha.

 

I didn't even make the connection! He's fantastic! (The author, not Jimmy. Jimmy is a jerk.)

 

I didn't drink the peach koolaid (or buy in at a discounted price) but I would say that yes, it's the Borg. They were definitely cultivating groupthink - the "facilitators" were like hyper-sexualized touchy-feely drones. Well-dressed, suit-wearing drones who claimed they could bend spoons with their sexy peach mind power. O.o

[Lobe]

Checking in... where you at Oran?

[rumblefish12]

I've always liked the end scene of the Cohen film, Burn After Reading...

 

Well you just quoted one of my favorite Coen brothers movies. Let me lay another movie reference I've been thinking about lately.

 

So I've mentioned before all the on again off again, break up make up, push pull that went on in my A. Well each time we patched it back together it was sort of this more distorted and warped version of itself. Like in the movie Pet Cemetery. When then dead animals were brought back to life and they just didn't seem right, until it was really clear that they were an abomination of their former selves. I give you the repeated NC Affair.

 

XAP used to say, "I love it how we can't stay away from each other." Like that behavior was a hallmark of true love rather than a huge red flag that this is unhealthy love at best and limerence or straight addiction at worst.

[Oran]

So. Almost 1 month NC. Not posting so frequently now as I don't feel the need to. Truth be told I was glued to the web for 2 weeks or so. Partly looking for answers, partly *secretly* hoping exAP-MM might make contact. He didn't.

When I met exAP I was fit and active. During the run up to moving in with him, and while I was living with him, I put on quite an amount of weight. So I've started a physically demanding job, I could have gone to the gym, but I figure this work will have the same effect, AND I get paid. Result.

What am I thinking? Well, I'm haunted by the image of exAP and BS spending time together in the home that exAP and I set up together. I try to push it to one side, but it is floating around in there, in my mind. I wonder if exAP has softened or relented towards his BS, or whether his defensiveness will derail their R. I hover between thinking 'phew, I had a lucky escape' and then thinking 'maybe this is the end stage of their relationship'. Contradictory, I know.

I have been slowly reconnecting with friends, but it's tricky as I have no desire to widely publish amongst my friends what I have been involved in.

All in all, I feel calmer, but quite sad.

[pooldog]

Oran that is great progress. Life is ticking. You already spent so many days with him so no more should be wasted. Now you get a fresh start and the best is yet to come.

[The Aftermath]

So. Almost 1 month NC. Not posting so frequently now as I don't feel the need to. Truth be told I was glued to the web for 2 weeks or so. Partly looking for answers, partly *secretly* hoping exAP-MM might make contact. He didn't.

When I met exAP I was fit and active. During the run up to moving in with him, and while I was living with him, I put on quite an amount of weight. So I've started a physically demanding job, I could have gone to the gym, but I figure this work will have the same effect, AND I get paid. Result.

What am I thinking? Well, I'm haunted by the image of exAP and BS spending time together in the home that exAP and I set up together. I try to push it to one side, but it is floating around in there, in my mind. I wonder if exAP has softened or relented towards his BS, or whether his defensiveness will derail their R. I hover between thinking 'phew, I had a lucky escape' and then thinking 'maybe this is the end stage of their relationship'. Contradictory, I know.

I have been slowly reconnecting with friends, but it's tricky as I have no desire to widely publish amongst my friends what I have been involved in.

All in all, I feel calmer, but quite sad.

 

I dont post much here anymore, but just wanted to offer support and congrats on reaching 1 month. 1 mo. NC is so very difficult...I remember how even 2 weeks felt like an eternity the 1st time xMM and I "ended things" mid-Feb. I was a MESS! I can honestly say it DOES get better and you WILL feel stronger in time. After several false R's with his BS/ him crawling back to me even after *I* left him alone I finally found the strength to tell him to leave me and my daughter alone (he's DD's bio dad) as he's no good to anyone in his current condition.

[Poppy47]

So. Almost 1 month NC. Not posting so frequently now as I don't feel the need to. Truth be told I was glued to the web for 2 weeks or so. Partly looking for answers, partly *secretly* hoping exAP-MM might make contact. He didn't.

When I met exAP I was fit and active. During the run up to moving in with him, and while I was living with him, I put on quite an amount of weight. So I've started a physically demanding job, I could have gone to the gym, but I figure this work will have the same effect, AND I get paid. Result.

What am I thinking? Well, I'm haunted by the image of exAP and BS spending time together in the home that exAP and I set up together. I try to push it to one side, but it is floating around in there, in my mind. I wonder if exAP has softened or relented towards his BS, or whether his defensiveness will derail their R. I hover between thinking 'phew, I had a lucky escape' and then thinking 'maybe this is the end stage of their relationship'. Contradictory, I know.

I have been slowly reconnecting with friends, but it's tricky as I have no desire to widely publish amongst my friends what I have been involved in.

All in all, I feel calmer, but quite sad.

Oran,

 

I find reconnection with family and friends is quite difficult. There is still a secret in the air between us.

They are unaware but it's there. Maybe this feeling will subside with time.

My A is NOT for publication anywhere except here.

Poppy.