rach233 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I'm contemplating separating from my husband for a second time. We've been together for 14 years and were married for 7 years before separating the first time. We have two children 7 and 4. They struggled with it quite a bit but then started to get used to things. Well after a year and a half we decided to give it another shot, certain it was permanent. He's been back home for 5 months and already I have second thoughts, in fact, I'm positive that I want out for good. I do love him so much but I'm no longer in love with him. We are like best friends and not lovers. It's obviously important that I add that I've been having an affair for over a month and I'm in love with this new man. I now see what it's like to be in love and we both want to eventually start a new life together, with his 2 kids and mine. It's unfair for my husband to have to be married to me. I do realize that he's done nothing wrong. He's a great guy, he's just not for me and I'm clearly not for him. I knew this prior to having the affair. Almost immediately after he returned to our home, I had second thoughts. How could this be? I was so sure! We previously split up because of his years of substance abuse and even after he got clean, he was a different person. I no longer had a physical connection with him and we didn't have anything in common anymore. But anyway, here we are again. I'm about to destroy our family again and put the kids through turmoil. I've realized that with or without the new man in my life, my husband is wrong for me. But when is the right time to tell him? We have a family vacation planned in 2 weeks that I don't want to ruin for my children. No time is a good time, but I'm struggling with living with the guilt and it's becoming increasingly painful to look him in the face every day and pretend. Do I bring this up after vacation? How do I do this?? Again! I'm so lost! Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 In my opinion, the time to tell him was before you had the affair, but that ship has sailed. Therefore, you need to tell him right away. You can use the vacation as an excuse not to tell him, but then there will always be some reason not to. What kind of vacation would it be anyway, if you're holding this ticking time bomb the whole time. He will eventually know the whole truth one way or another, so there is no shielding him from pain, even if that may be your motivation. I'd advise you to tell him then either take the vacation with your children without him, or give him the option of doing so, so your kids don't miss out. But tell him now. Just my $0.02. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Affair with a new man for a month? You are now in love and planning your life together? You consider this an adult decision? Your marriage may very well be over and it sounds like you have given it a fair attempt before the affair. But you are fooling yourself if you think this new man is the answer to happiness for the rest of your life. Tell your husband everything so he knows what he is dealing with. Get the divorce, then start planning the rest of your life. Branch swinging from one man to the other is rarely successful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach233 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Well that's why I did say that regardless of the affair I know I'm not happy in the marriage. I don't expect anyone to understand the short affair or take my side on that. I just need help figuring out when and how to break this to my husband. I know there's no good way, but my thoughts behind waiting until after vacation were to let my children enjoy themselves without issues. Link to post Share on other sites
deadparrot Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I mean, assuming your kids are old enough to have some understanding/memory of what went on, either they're going to remember having their lives blown up and not going on vacation, or they're going to remember that their lives blew up right after a family vacation. I honestly don't know if the latter is a great improvement, but you need to tell your husband soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Well that's why I did say that regardless of the affair I know I'm not happy in the marriage. I don't expect anyone to understand the short affair or take my side on that. I just need help figuring out when and how to break this to my husband. I know there's no good way, but my thoughts behind waiting until after vacation were to let my children enjoy themselves without issues. Are you going to tell your husband the truth? "I've decided to continue secretly sleeping with my affair partner behind your back for several more weeks so we can all enjoy our vacation"? If so, here's the one thing you've said I agree with wholeheartedly: It's unfair for my husband to have to be married to me. Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach233 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Not for us all to enjoy...for my kids to enjoy. It's difficult for me to enjoy anything these days. I don't seek pity for myself though. I didn't ask for that from anyone here. And you're twisting things to make me sound like the devil. I thought this was a place to come to seek advice, not judgement. Clearly I'm in the wrong place. Thanks anyway all! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 And you're twisting things to make me sound like the devil. By saying you're being unfair to your husband? I thought this was a place to come to seek advice, not judgement. Clearly I'm in the wrong place. Thanks anyway all! You've gotten consistent feedback - tell your husband now, he deserves to make the same informed choices you are, vacation time included. What you haven't gotten is approbation and I'd guess that's why you're leaving... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach233 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I actually specifically stated that I wasn't looking for approbation. I just think that harsh comments are unecessary. I wouldn't be here asking for help if I thought what I was doing was right. Anyway, I came clean and told my husband. He's obviously hurt and asked me to choose. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Good that you told your husband. Now he has some of the same information that you do and can begin to make sound decisions on his future. When he asked you to choose did you tell him you have already chosen and it is not him? Best if he gets the whole story upfront, rather than in pieces. Then the 2 of you can move forward with your separate lives faster. You have ripped off the band-aid. Don't put it back on. Good luck with your divorce. Even in the best of circumstances it is a grueling process. Kids and infidelity make it even more so for all involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Anyway, I came clean and told my husband. He's obviously hurt and asked me to choose. Chew123 nailed it, congratulations on doing the right thing. The tough love showered on you here - and trust me, I know first-hand it's hard to hear - is designed to nudge you in that direction. Accept that the next steps will be difficult and painful. I'd also advise moving quickly... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Good that you have told your husband. He deserves to know the truth about his marriage. And yes there are people here who have been harsh, but they are giving you the truth, sometimes that seems harsh when you are hearing it for the first time. There are people here who have been in your shoes, and there are people here who have been in your husband's shoes. There is a lot of good advice here. I hope you don't walk away because people's responses seem harsh. Nobody here is going to tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better. They are going to be honest with you and, trust me, in the long run that is going to be better for you, even if at the time it hurts. I wish you luck and I hope you keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
longjohn Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 This whole post is pointless, sorry hate to be blunt. I was married and cheated on. It would have been a whole lot nice if she said.. by the way we're done vs the lies, the coverups, more lies etc. If you've already moved on and you have since your with another guy then tell your husband move on with your life so he can move on with his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 You may be destined to making the same mistake going forward, meaning you had an affair with some other man while you were married and your new beau had an affair with a married woman. See the connection. How are you going to keep the trust?. Link to post Share on other sites
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