A question for BS's about NC letters

[wmacbride]

If you are a bs, did you force your ws to write a nc letter to his or her ow/om?

 

For whatever reason, there seems to be a belief that NC letters are somehow written under duress or, alternatively, they are written by the bs.

 

My H wrote one to his ow. I didn't force him to, and I didn't write it. I did read it ( he sent me a bcc of it so I could read it. I didn't see it beforehand, and I certainly did ask to approve of its contents) In fact, my H asked me for advice about what he should include, and I told him it wasn't my place to give specifics, but he should be as clear and kind as possible.

 

If your ws sent a NC letter, do you see it? Did you feel like you needed to?

[Lady Hamilton]

Almost immediately after D-Day, I got the infamous NC call, where he laid down what had to happen, but he did it in front of his wife. While, of course, what he said came from his lips, I knew a lot of what he said was for the benefit of his wife. It was bad soap opera stuff, stuff like what you see written on a bad "how to make your OW go away" advice article off the internet. So I knew, and he confirmed later, the call was made mainly for her benefit. She suggested it based off something her mother read online, so he did it.

 

Then, at various points, I got NC texts and and emails and the story was much the same. Either she sent them or he sent them "on his own" but he knew she'd read them so he wrote things that would satisfy her... Even if they weren't all that relevant.

 

If he hadn't left and I got a letter, I'd have assumed it was more of the same.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My husband did not ... But then it was many years ago and neither if us had ever heard of such a thing.

[Lobe]

Our MC told him to write one and I supported it at the time. xOW had (during the affair) talked about previous suicide attempts and so we agreed that since she was making suicide threats, he could hold off writing the NC. (I know I was a sucker - this isn't about me though lol)

 

We've recently started chatting about the NC letter idea again. He suggested what he wanted to write, and I said sure - but I ran it past some OW in the OW/OM forum and they said they wouldn't believe it. Those that received them said they usually got a text or note either before or afterwards saying, I'm sorry - my wife is making me do it.

 

My conclusion based on the feedback I've received here so far is that, except in rare cases, the NC letter does nothing except make the BS feel better, and does nothing to the AP because they a) know it's untrue, b) are still clinging to hope, c) they think the BS wrote it for the WS or d) think the BS forced the AP to write it, even if they actually wrote it of their own free will and meant every word.

 

My advice is to ask the WS write the NC letter all by their lonesome without any coaching from you, and give it to you to send. Then, you go pee on it and set it aflame.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Lobe
typos...

[ShatteredLady]

I think it's incredibly cruel for a WS to just vanish off of the face of the earth. I know some say that the OW will figure it out when she finds that she's been blocked or doesn't get any responses. I think it's decency, even if the WS just says "Sorry, it's over".

 

If there have been conversations, emails etc then I don't really understand the point of an NC letter really.

 

I know a lot of books & internet sites say it's an essential step. I don't know why other than the elusive 'closure'.

 

In the end my H was having a long distance EA. In that situation just vanishing would be cowardly & cruel. (She wouldn't know if he were alive or dead!). I didn't read what he wrote. What's the point?

[Lobe]

In that situation just vanishing would be cowardly & cruel.

 

This is what my Mr. Avoid Confrontation At Any Cost WH did to his xOW. "please stop contacting me" was all she got. I know it sounds weird to be mad at him for not apologizing for being a sad sack liar, but I agree it was cowardly and cruel and I told him as much. He led this woman on for months, told he was in love with her, future faked everything from their dream cottage to their holidays... And he just *whoosh* ghosted her. He told me it was because he didn't want to hurt her but I am pretty sure it's because he didn't have the balls.

 

Affairs are soooo messy.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi Lobe!

 

I completely, oh so completely & utterly get this...

 

"He told me it was because he didn't want to hurt her but I am pretty sure it's because he didn't have the balls."

 

....they nicely call it "conflict avoidant" here. My H didn't tell me that there was anything wrong in our marriage because he didn't want to hurt me! He had an A because I'd never know & it wouldn't hurt me. He wanted to completely ghost his OW because he didn't want to hurt her!

 

I call bollocks on all of it!! He didn't want anything awkward for HIM. He didn't want to hurt HIM.

[purplesorrow]

I didn't ask my ex to because I didn't care if he talked to her. He chose to ghost her. I didn't feel she deserved anything more than she thought I deserved. She didn't want me to know she was screwing him. So I didn't care how she was being treated afterwards.

[Lobe]

My H didn't tell me that there was anything wrong in our marriage because he didn't want to hurt me!

 

He didn't want anything awkward for HIM. He didn't want to hurt HIM.

 

~slow clap~

[TrustedthenBusted]

My wife didn't want to have a NC phone call, but I insisted, and I insisted on joining the call and making it clear MYSELF that any future contact initiated by him would end in bloodshed ( which it did anyway )

 

Later on...like maybe 6 months down the road, he sent her an invitation to connect on LInkedIn, which professionally, may have made sense on some level, or could have even been unintentional ( as you can inadvertently send bulk invites to everyone on your contact list )

 

At that point, she decided to send a NC letter that made it clear that JUST IN CASE this outreach was intentional, she wanted no part of it personally, professionally or otherwise.

 

She asked me to approve the letter, and edit it with the razor sharp tongue I tend to bring to situations like this. He had already shown his true colors by this point, so she wanted sort of address that as well. The result was a polite and professional NC letter with absolutely scathing undertones. That was the end of that.

[Jersey born raised]

Trusted, bloodshed occurred?

 

Personally I have two thoughts on the subject. First is that the desire to lash out is a human one and in the main healthy. It is no different than a dog growling a warning to tread lightly. However acting on it is not a lot different than acting on lust (especially if one is married and the object of the lust is not the spouse) Usually the outcome is less than idea.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Trusted, bloodshed occurred?

 

Personally I have two thoughts on the subject. First is that the desire to lash out is a human one and in the main healthy. It is no different than a dog growling a warning to tread lightly. However acting on it is not a lot different than acting on lust (especially if one is married and the object of the lust is not the spouse) Usually the outcome is less than idea.

 

Oh the outcome was less that ideal for sure. It was me spending some time cuffed and stuffed in a squad car looking like a crazy person, and almost sent to the hoosegow for assault.

 

NOT....NORMAL....FOR....ME. I haven't been in a fight since 10th grade.

 

Believe it or not, I am the Vice President of Human Resources for a company that you've heard of, if you live in the United States. I spend my days making sure people DON'T react badly to situations they don't like.

 

But I saw him, he smirked, and I saw red. He will never smirk at me again. At least I think it was a smirk...might have been an awkward smile. Whatever.