Want my ex back, but how to proceed?

[YourCupOfTea]

Maybe I'm over-analyzing this way too much, but I would really like to know what other people would do in this situation.

 

The situations is like this:

 

I dated my ex for a couple of months, but I was so insecure and off balance at that moment (personal stuff going on) that I was acting really stupid and clingy.

I apologized for my behavior and we talked things over, but I thought it would be better to put some distance between us, because I didn’t like the way I was acting around him and I just needed some space, due to my (other) personal stuff. This had nothing to do with him, I really like him, and he knows this.

 

He said he understood. We split up. He did however contact me after a week or so, I told him that I still wanted distance and then we went without contact for about a month and a half. Then after some thinking I decided that I wanted to take a chance with him again (circumstances had changed). I was super scared to do so, because I thought he would have moved on by that time, but I texted him anyway.

He responded really positive and said that if I wanted the grab a beer or a coffee I should let him know! Yeah!

 

Really great of course, but I don't know if it would be a friendly drink or more. I'm also a bit scared to screw things up again, because I was acting like a crazy person before I really don't want to come off as too eager. Should I just go ahead and suggest a drink right away, or would it be better to wait a week or so?

I'm also kind of scared that things don't work out again, or that I become so insecure and off balance again.

I feel a lot better then before though, so maybe I just should worry about it too much and see where it goes?

 

Anyway, I'm curious to see what other people would do if they were in my situation, and how they would proceed further.

 

Like for instance after the drink, what would you guys do then?

 

Thank you so much!

Edited June 8, 2016 by YourCupOfTea

[Simon Phoenix]

Your worrying is the problem. You need to get out of your own head and just let things roll. Stop worrying about being too eager or anything and just do what you want to do. If he's into you (sounds like he is considering that he didn't want the space in the first place and was receptive to your contact) then he'll be pretty flexible about your behavior. And I would bet you'd be less clingy and unhinged if you relaxed and went with the flow instead of trying to control and overthink everything.

 

Less planning, less thinking, more rolling with the punches.

[YourCupOfTea]

Thank you Simon, i think you are right.

It's just a bit hard to stop overthinking I have a meet-up with him next week and i will just see how it goes.

Maybe i need to approach this more like one date at a time. But it's sometimes a bit hard to lower your expectations or hopes when you really like someone.

Edited June 9, 2016 by YourCupOfTea

[PegNosePete]

Personally if I were you I'd want to know more before the meeting next week. Like, is he interested in trying again or is he meeting you as "just friends"? It would really be a waste of your time and painful for you if he has moved on and spends the whole time telling you how wonderful his new girlfriend is. Avoid that by asking him what his thoughts about a reconciliation are, before the meeting.

[privategal]

I think there should have been way more time apart with space to each really think this through.

IF a relationship has a second shot...changes would have to be made, both would need to feel comfortable and open to open and honest disussion to work through issues...I dont think simply missing another is enough.

And when you are feeling that much worry and fear inside toward the relationship...thats a potential big red flag and indicates there isnt an ease, a confort, a solid foundation.

I think in order to not fear being forgotten or replaced ex's run back to their comfort zone of eachother for the wrong reasons and you end up back at square one.

[broodneach]

Personally if I were you I'd want to know more before the meeting next week. Like, is he interested in trying again or is he meeting you as "just friends"? It would really be a waste of your time and painful for you if he has moved on and spends the whole time telling you how wonderful his new girlfriend is. Avoid that by asking him what his thoughts about a reconciliation are, before the meeting.

 

I disagree with this. She was the one who initiated the breakup and she was also the one who set up the meeting. She shouldn't put terms on the meeting now or make it more complicated in any way. She needs to just show up and see what happens.

[YourCupOfTea]

Thanks you guys, for the replies!

 

It's weird but if feel a lot more at ease then right after I made the initial contact a few days ago. Maybe I was just super nervous sending the text and got caught up in that feeling, or maybe it has something to do with the fact that we texted back and forward a lot after the initial text conversation. I feel like I'm getting some sort of consent that my coming back is okay. Maybe I shouldn't need to want that, but it's nice to know someone feels the same way.

 

PegNosePete, I don't need to ask if it is 'just friends'. Judging from our text conversations we both know it is not. And even if that wasn't clear, I agree with Broodneach, I was the dumper. I shouldn't make demands. I need to just see what happens. Eventually, if the meet-up goes well, I can make my intentions clear, but I think he already knows. And then it's his call.

 

Privategal, When do you know it is the right time? I felt super good about myself after a month or so, so I decided to try. But I did get really nervous after sending the initial text.

We can talk really openly with each other. Also before, thats why we ended on good terms after the hick-ups.

The thing was that there was a lot of **** going on in my family that I could not control, so I sort of when a bit overboard wanting to control the other stuff in my life. That's were things went wrong. We talked about this a lot and decided to take a break. I honestly feel like we can talk about everything without judgment.

But I think I was just really scared after sending the text...

But maybe you are right, I'm not sure. I think time will tell.

 

I think that if I continue to have these scared moments but I can handle them better, by either being more rational, or just being honest about these feeling with him (which i did now), things will work a lot better then before. He is very emphatic.

That' s also a bit where things went wrong, I wasn't truly honest when I had these scared moments. I just acted passive-aggressive when he (in my view) didn't give me what I needed. In these cases I made assumptions that his behavior meant that he did not care.

When we talked about things it turned out that I was super wrong. Later we talked al lot more, and we understood each other and our behavior better. But there was so much going on in my head that a break seemed like a better choice.

 

We had a false start, but I think that we honestly can go really well together if we learn from our false start.

But for now: let's not get ahead of ourselves! Only a beer, and then we will see.

Edited June 10, 2016 by YourCupOfTea