Fadman Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Hi there folks, I am looking for advice. My wife and I have been together for 8 years (3 years married) I am 42 she is 27 I know large age difference. She has admitted to having a sexual relationship with one of my work colleagues about 6 months ago and has now left our home and moved into her own flat. She constantly asks me not to give up on us as she needs space to work through what she wants. However a couple of days ago we met up for coffee, she said she doesn't know why but she does not want to continue trying, even though she said she couldn't fault who I was or how I've behaved. I have left her to her own devices but it doesn't help. She was spoilt by her parents and then straight to me where I treated her like a princess. Maybe this is the problem, she has never had any independence. I still feel for her and she says she cares deeply for me. Just not us. I asked her if that was it, we're we truly done? She said yes. However, when I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she said no and she is in no hurry to move her stuff out. She has taken my TV and a couple of suitcases. I am coping fine and sorting myself out but I don't know where to go from now. I tried all I can but with no success. Any advice would be appreciated. P.S. there are no children involved. Much love. X 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 She has admitted to having a sexual relationship with one of my work colleagues about 6 months ago and has now left our home and moved into her own flat. You realize the purpose of her move was unfettered access to this new partner? She has taken my TV I'd get the TV back. You won't be able to "nice guy" your way back into the relationship so the sooner she understands the consequences of what she's doing, the better. Sorry I don't have good news ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) She is.............................................................................. ........... gone. She has completely severed the bond that made your relationship a marriage. You are now a single person. Serve her with divorce papers right away. You can then restructure your life, as an enjoyable single person's life. It will be good. You will enjoy it. This current situation is not enjoyable, so end it. Take care. Edited June 9, 2016 by Satu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fadman Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 (edited) Thanks guys. Firstly she isn't with her ex lover anymore I'm 100% sure. That doesn't mean she hasn't found another one. I'm being Mr. Nice not to win her back but just to prove to myself that I have done everything right and the best I can, to be the better person. I have changed the locks to my flat and will begin carefully packing her stuff away. It is hard but I am coming to terms with the situation. It's just the fact she still tries to speak to me. Has left her stuff and doesn't want to legally finalise it. Is it just a phase? That's what haunts me. Is it just a cry for help for her and I am willing to just throw it away? Edited June 9, 2016 by Fadman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I have changed the locks to my flat and will begin carefully packing her stuff away. It is hard but I am coming to terms with the situation. Well done! You're handling this terrible situation just right. It's just the fact she still tries to speak to me. Has left her stuff and doesn't want to legally finalise it. Don't let her speak to you. Tell her that she has told you exactly how she feels and unless she has had a total change of mind about working on your marriage, you don't want to her from her any more. Whether she wants to legally finalise it or not is irrelevant. You need to file for divorce. She has no choice in the matter. Is it just a phase? That's what haunts me. Is it just a cry for help for her and I am willing to just throw it away? What do you think would happen if the boot were on the other foot? If you had an affair with a woman at work, told her the marriage was over and moved out? Would she be asking if it's just a phase? No, you would have been served divorce papers so fast they made your head spin... No, it's not a phase. She has cheated and made a conscious decision that she no longer wants to be in the marriage. Whether you are willing to throw it away or not is irrelevant. She has already screwed it up, spat on it and thrown it into the fire. All that remains is the paperwork. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 No, it's not a phase. She's not your wife anymore, except in a strictly legal sense. It would be better for both of you, to divorce, and build new lives. The sooner you do this, the better. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fadman Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Thank you again guys. Time to move on and be a strong, emotionally healthy me. Much love x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 She was 19 when you met, so has been with you her whole adult life, and that often means big problems later on, as you have found out to your cost. She has never really been her own woman and so wants "freedom". The affair was merely a symptom of the bigger issue. Just be glad you never had children. Do not let her keep you in limbo, as her Plan B, it will only mean heart ache for you. Divorce. Move on, heal. Onwards and upwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fadman Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Hi folks, just thought I would update my new friends on how I am doing. A couple of days ago, I sent my wife a letter. I firstly thanked her for our time together over the relationship, outlining some of the places and things we did that made us happy, and said that those times will always stay with me as some of the best times of my life. I then went on to write that she was now not the girl I fell in love with and not the woman I married. As such, I can not love or be in love with the person she has become and for my own sake, I am moving on with my own life. In order to do this, she needs to sort out removing her stuff from my home as soon as she can. She can either text me or get a message to me so I can pack what she needs and she can collect her bits. I then wished that she worked out what she wanted and finds happiness in her new life and that this was sincere. I gave her the letter and she said that she does think about the good times we had and maybe she had moved on way too quickly and not used the separation time wisely to think things through. All I said is yes you did, and then walked away. I have blocked her facebook and hidden my relationship status. She has not changed hers although it now just says married with no one tagged. She came past my home yesterday with her new boyfriend but didn't look happy. She did not see me but it still hurts like he'll. Each day I get stronger. Each day I get more stable. I have to give it a few months before I file. I have to save up ( I'm not going to try and get her to pay for it as I want it just to go through as smoothly as possible) I just hope I'm doing the right thing. Much love x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I have blocked her facebook and hidden my relationship status. She has not changed hers although it now just says married with no one tagged. How do you know what her status says if you've blocked her? You are definitely doing the right thing. The letter probably didn't help any. Don't put the ball in her court regarding moving her stuff. Box it all up and give her 3 choices of date to come collect it. No coming in for a chat or a cup of tea. Hand boxes through the open door and say goodbye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 How do you know what her status says if you've blocked her? You are definitely doing the right thing. The letter probably didn't help any. Don't put the ball in her court regarding moving her stuff. Box it all up and give her 3 choices of date to come collect it. No coming in for a chat or a cup of tea. Hand boxes through the open door and say goodbye. ....This.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fadman Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 We have mutual friends on Facebook. And yeah that was the plan to box the bits and leave it outside my door ( it is secure ). She can't get into my flat I changed the locks. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I have blocked her facebook and hidden my relationship status. And yeah that was the plan to box the bits and leave it outside my door ( it is secure ). She can't get into my flat I changed the locks. You're on the right path. Best to rip off the band-aid quickly rather than prolong the pain. She's made her choices, time for you to make yours... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) I see this as the painful part of a story that has a happy ending. You still have unfinished business, but not with her. You need to grieve. And be angry (but don't express that to her). I used to marvel at people who were angry because their lover or spouse left them, even if for an affair. You can't force someone want to be with you romantically, I thought, so you can't pretend you were deprived of a right when they left. Well, that's true, but it's still natural to be angry. Relationships are a legitimate human need. It's still not okay to cheat on a person romantically. You are only human if you are angry and sad over it. You want to be just right, you want to be the "better person" than she is, you note that she doesn't seem happy. All these are just signs that you're still "down in it"-- she is still relevant to you-- you're still grieving. Which is perfectly natural and would be concerning if you weren't. But just note it. Note that it won't always be that way. Myself, I always try to rush through the sad part of something. As if I think it all has to be for the best, but for the best right away. In my experience, that's a clumsy way to get over a difficult life event. You can handle this grieving process and you can handle the hard part. At the end, on the other side of the hard part, it's pretty clear that you have happiness waiting for you. Just don't go back to her. And try not to contact her at all, that will lead to nothing but pain and confusion. Edited June 21, 2016 by jakrbbt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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