Infidelity vs. Rape.

[Raena]

I think I understand the intent of the original journal. In that moment, when you are first dealing with the truth of your spouse's cheating it can feel like the end of the world. It is the end of something and it hurts like hell. Something was taken from you without your permission. Your innocence, your trust, your idealistic view of the world... it's gone.

 

Your emotions are raw and intense during that time period. It goes away. Not completely, but it dulls over time. I'm not so sure someone who has been raped could say the same thing years down the road.

[Lady Hamilton]

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. A bucket full of nope. Huge bucket. All nope.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Wow. Lots of opinions.

 

First, let me reiterate that I do not compare the two, and my rational mind completely understands that rape is a far more heinous crime than a cheating spouse. I would never, ever in the history of forever pretend to understand what a rape victim is going through, or has gone through.

 

I posted this in the infidelity section, and it was moved here. This was meant to be shared with a very specific crowd who ( possibly) would better understand the intent, relative to my other posts. Again, sorry to offend.

 

That said, I believe the parallels are valid, and can REMAIN valid while not implying that infidelity is totally equal in scope to rape. It isn't. BUT....Infidelity has ruined lives, and driven people to suicide. I think that's pretty drastic, and drastic enough to be lumped in with other traumatic experiences. It's not a misery contest. It's a post written by a person when he was at rock bottom, and is no longer at rock bottom.

 

I have no idea what the horror of rape would be like, and likely never will. But I also have no idea what it's like to lose a child. Doesn't mean I can't think about what that must be like and draw some parralells based on how I THINK I would feel right?

 

So please don't be offended. Nothing I've said was meant to diminish your pain one bit. if anything, it was an unexperienced attempt to relate to it.

 

Thanks.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I have been cheated on and I do not relate with a single item on your list.

 

 

Really? I find that difficult to believe if you were in a serious relationship or married.

 

Here it is again, written for infidelity this time. You telling me you didn't feel ANY of this?

 

 

 

Top 10 Reasons Being Cheated on Is Like Being Cheated on.

 

1. It's physically devastating. You are shocked it happened, and physically sick over it. You don't eat for weeks, don't sleep, can't concentrate, don't trust anyone, and become a ghost of your former self. Your confidence is stolen, and something very valuable to you was purposefully, maliciously ( and irrevocably ) ripped away from you by someone else.

 

2. You don't trust ANY women anymore. When you look at other wives, you only see cheaters that just haven't been caught yet. Same way cheating victims don't trust men anymore. Sex becomes far less enjoyable because you constantly think about the cheating.

 

3. Like in a known cheating, while you were being cheated on, other people in he know just stood around and laughed at you. They had no regard for you, your life, your safety, nothing. You were a nobody to them. And the cheater, while he was cheating you was having ball and was happy he was doing this to you. It was about his satisfaction only, and your whole life didn't mean squat. Nobody helped you, or told the cheater to stop.

 

4. You walk around afraid that you will be cheated on again. You practically expect it, so you don't invest heavily in yourself or anyone else. You know the next time you don't want it to hurt, so you'll just give up yourself, and walk away less harmed. This is like prison cheating. The first one probably hurts like hell and is awful, but you sort of expect the next ones, and won't be as traumatized. You can't get hurt if you don't care, so you don't care.

 

 

5. The cheater only apologizes when they get caught. They never apologize right away. They deny it, and bull**** you, and hire attorneys to prove their innocence. Some even blame you! Only once they get convicted, or spend some time in jail do they ever apologize for their crime. Only when they have to PAY A PRICE for their crime do they feel any remorse. Until then, they can't/won't empathize with you. Worse, the other people involved in the known cheating, the ones who knew and said nothing, usually get off scott free.

 

6. People who cheat once, usually cheat again and again. It gets easier for them each time. They just work harder at not getting caught. Everyone knows this universal truth, but we still tell ourselves that THIS cheater has been rehabilitated and won't do it again. But they always do. Because their needs trump anyone else's.

 

7. You have horrible flashbacks of the cheating. These can come out of nowhere, and take you right back to the time and place of the attack. But the more you want to talk about it, the more people get sick of hearing your story over and over. Especially the cheater. So you suffer in silence, and don't tell anyone how you feel. And you will never admit to anyone that you were cheated on.

 

8. You develop incredible empathy for other cheating victims and feel like you want to write a friggen book about how to avoid being cheated on and share it with the world. You wish you could stop ALL cheating in the world, and you wouldn't even want your worst enemy to be cheated on because of how awful it is. You'd go on Oprah tomorrow if she called.

 

9. Like in-family cheating, or incest, you sometimes have to live with the cheater, and see them everyday. You have to think about the anniversary of D-Day and suffer through it. You have to forgive the unforgivable, and work HARDER than your cheater to live with any normalcy. You have to fight back with kindness like Ghandi, even when you are still having nightmares and flashbacks and fits of depression.

 

10. Sometimes, you may even feel an overwhelming urge to cheat on someone yourself. Anyone. To fight fire with fire. To level the playing field. To be in control instead of being manipulated. You want a do-over where this time YOU win and all the people in that knew you were being cheating on get screwed over. You have hate in your heart, and don't care how bad life gets as a result. You are hardened, and feel totally justified in getting some payback.

[ShatteredLady]

TrustedThenBusted.

 

I know what the intent of your original post was & I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

 

You deeply effected me. I get what you were saying. Thank you for the light at the end of this horrific tunnel.

 

To be honest I've been loosing faith with LS recently. That was part of my deleted rant.

Lately I've been reading how I should be accepting my guilt (as a bs) in my H's behaviors. It's as much my fault as his, justified by peculiar definitions & importance of marriage vows. How infidelity can be the best thing that's ever happened to a marriage!

 

I've been feeling weak & pathetic for the extreme nature of my feelings. I already find it so embarrassing that I'm suffering with PTSD & ongoing anxiety & depression.

 

A bs (I really HATE that "bs" stands for 2 different things...lately I've been feeling that many on LS see both meanings as very similar. Yep! I'm bs!) isn't a victim of anything much important....The bs must be in denial. The marriage must be long broken for an A. Genetics, we're all cavemen & I'm naive to think differently! Then the pasting dictionary definitions of words, pedantic arguments over phrases, anything to avoid reading more of the same bloody, boring bs pain!

 

 

I do completely agree that EVERYTHING that the bs has & is living at the time of the A hugely effects how much it damages them. Nature, nurture, length & depth of the relationship. Abuse, gaslighting, cruelty etc during the affair becomes part of "Affair" & makes it all the harder.

 

Lately there's been discussion of "What's worse....?" & extreme metaphors for WS "murderer etc...". The truth is we are on a journey & every experience, feeling, belief makes us the person that we are in that horrific, crushing moment in which our stomachs drop, our hearts PHYSICALLY hurt, our breath catches, our brains SCREAM & the world as we know it is violently, brutally, destructively ripped away from us forever AND d-day is just the start....

[ShatteredLady]

Hahaha! I just read your post before mine. I'd done the same thing but with the word abuse! There are a couple of little details I can't say I completely get for me but generally my answers are....YES! Yep! OMG yes! That one exactly! Yes! Yes! Yep!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm also, obviously, very effected by the fact that my brother committed suicide over adultery. I know all the 'one must be sick anyway' arguments. I have my truth & it makes me very bias.

 

I read some well intentioned statements & think "Infidelity HAS killed someone! A beautiful person who meant the world to me & my Mum & Dad. We will never be the same."

 

 

....every little thing & every enormous devastating thing is just another straw. I can't tell you which one broke me. Having my own little forever family was my touch stone that made all the rest of it survivable.

[anika99]

I believe that betrayed spouses are traumatized. I believe that they suffer great pain and that their world is turned upside down. I believe that their lives can be forever changed by the betrayal and that recovery can be a long uphill battle. There may be some similarities in the way a BS is affected after dday to the way a rape victim is affected so it may be more fair to say recovery from infidelity is similar to recovery from rape but the act of cheating is not like the act of raping and shouldn't be compared to each other.

[AMJ]

It's not a misery contest- I appreciate that. I'm wondering why the need to draw this particular parallel? You could compare infidelity to a lot of things that are equally damaging.

 

I have to point out that the most obvious difference between rape and being cheated on, is when you are cheated on, no one doubts your story. If your relationship ends because your partner is cheating, regardless of how you learn that this is happening, people believe you when you tell them what happened. Even if you didn't witness the cheating happening. There's no doubt, because why would a person lie about cheating?

 

With rape, it's always one person's word against the other. And the majority of rape victims are drugged or intoxicated and unable to really remember what happened to them. So their stories are really easy to discard as the other type of BS. The fact that people doubt your story is damaging in itself. You question who you can trust to talk to because you're not sure where you can get support. If people think you are lying about being raped, then they are accusing you of accusing someone else of a serious crime, which suddenly makes YOU the bad person. And you're the victim!

 

Rape survivors feel so much internal disgust that they don't want anyone to know what happened to them. They feel like damaged goods. Anyone I know who has been cheated on, wants the entire world to know what happened to them. They want pity and they do get pity and support from their friends. There's no shame, not so much self-blame. Society doesn't blame the betrayed spouse. Society doesn't tell you that you screwed up because you simply drank too much, walked down the wrong street at night, wore the wrong sexy dress, went to the wrong party, trusted the wrong guy.

Edited June 9, 2016 by AMJ

[PickledHead]

I have been cheated on and I have been raped and the 2 are not comparable in any way!!

 

My WH didn't go out of his way to hurt me physically or emotionally. I don't believe that I was a consideration in his A - what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me kind of thing. With rape there is no doubt that he rapist is going to hurt you! It's intentional and its direct. You are part of what they are doing, they dont 'compartmentalise' and put you to the bck of their head.

 

Saying that the cheating caused the most damage and as much as the rape affected me massively at the time, I would take it again over how I felt directly after discovering the affair. All affairs are different though as are sexual assaults so each 'victim' will feel different but I just don't see the 2 things as being one of the same

 

The part I found so far from the truth is the gang tape scenario with the watchers being compared to people in the know!! People aware of affairs are in very tricky positions themselves, given a choice they would probably rather not know what they know! I think comparing them to people standing by and watching a rape is off the mark

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

The part I found so far from the truth is the gang tape scenario with the watchers being compared to people in the know!! People aware of affairs are in very tricky positions themselves, given a choice they would probably rather not know what they know! I think comparing them to people standing by and watching a rape is off the mark

 

Thank you for sharing and im so sorry youve experienced both horrors. How the heck can you trust ANYONE anymore?

 

As for onlookers, there was only one in my case. A woman from my wifes office who knew and was a willing enabler who encouraged it to feed off all the juicy gossip.

She'd smile to my face and gossip with my wife about the affair behind my back. And of course the OM is a willing onlooker as well. Just another person who didn't care about the damage he was doing to my family.

 

Thats how I felt at the time anyway.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

.... Anyone I know who has been cheated on, wants the entire world to know what happened to them. They want pity and they do get pity and support from their friends. There's no shame, not so much self-blame. Society doesn't blame the betrayed spouse. Society doesn't tell you that you screwed up.

 

I didnt experience any of this. I didnt want ANYONE to know what happened and still dont. I dont want an ounce of pity and I felt incredible shame over it AND self blame. And take a peek at the infidelity forum or read any of the leading self help books and you will quickly see that one of the first tasks in recovery is to accept that YOU have likely contributed to the conditions that lead to the affair.

 

Why the rape parralell? Who knows. I was in a horrible place when I wrote it and rape is pretty much the worst thing I could think of. I definitely felt violated and helplesss and scared and ashamed and victimized. Seems like a decent parallel at the time.

[PickledHead]

Thank you for sharing and im so sorry youve experienced both horrors. How the heck can you trust ANYONE anymore

 

In both cases I partly blame myself!!i know that is completely wrong and I don't blame myself for the actual acts that occurred but I bear responsibility in both cases for allowing myself to get into the situation where both scenarios happened.

 

They have both took their toll an triggers occur and are dealt with but they both have lasting effects. However trust is an individual thing and if someone shows me they can be trusted I will do so until that changes.

 

I am currently an OW (you would think I would know better) and it's safe to say more people know about the A then don't. Practically all of MMs friend know and know me, my friends and family know. What I would say to you is that try not to think of anyone talking behind your back in a negative way. These people would not have pitied you or thought any less of you. From my experience as BS and OW the ones in the know are torn. They may like OW, they most probably like BS, as friends of MM it is difficult for them. If they speak out they risk losing their friendship an potentially feel like the one that has torn a family apart (whilst it is OW an MM that have in reality) but the messenger would always feel a responsibility. When my husband cheated I was hurt his friends knew and I felt stupid, now I am on the other side I see they didn't have a choice and they more than likely did try an talk to WH but when he didn't listen they had the choice to either accept it an shut up or not accept it and lose a friend. In A situations I feel sorry for the onlookers, they are dragged into a situation that has no benefit to them and they probably wish they didn't know about and find themselves in a no win situation where whatever decision they make they are betraying someone

[JoeSmith357-1]

I want to clarify my last post.

 

I'm not comparing my experience w/ infidelity to that of rape, but the way it affected me was similar to what I've heard described by rape survivors.

 

I agree that the act of rape itself is much, much worse.

 

I think the MENTAL after affects of being raped, and being cheated on are similar.

 

The mental effects on the victim is what the OP is referring to.

 

Obviously the PHYSICAL aspects do not relate AT ALL.

 

Having been cheated on multiple times, I can relate to a LOT of what the OP posted.

 

Especially the part about not being able to sleep / concentrate, completely losing trust, etc

 

DO NOT discount these things.

[RecentChange]

(sorry I am on a phone so bare with me)

 

Yes really, at least not to these grandiose proportions. It was and is a serious relationship, when he cheated we had been living together for 9 years, now it's almost 15.

 

1. I was stressed, but not eating for weeks? No, I went about my normal life. I didn't miss a moment of work, I kept to my usual routine. Sure, I cried by myself in my car, or in the morning as he slept beside me - but I was not a shadow of myself. And his cheating did not affect my trust of others.

 

2. Didn't affect my trust in others in the slightest. I dont know, maybe it's because I am so rational, but what he did has nothing to do with other men. Still loved sex and wanted lots with him even post D day.

 

3. No one knew about it (besides he, I, and the OW).There were no bystanders.

 

4. Nope, never felt this way.

 

5. He showed remorse, he empathized, there def. werent any attorney's involved!

 

6. Nope, don't agree. I trust him 100% these days. I don't even have a twinge to think he would cheat again. He didn't cheat because he is a selfish *******, he was depressed, his dad just died, he was in a crisis point in his life.

 

7. Sure I had some triggers, but never had "mind movies" so I really didn't have flash backs. If I wanted to talk to him about it, we talked about it. He didnt stone wall. I didn't desire to discuss it with anyone else but him ans my counselor.

 

8. I didn't think my situation had anything to do with anyone elses. I had no inclination to become a cheating victim advocate.

 

9. He was there for me, and held me through my pain. I wanted him there, and wouldn't want anyone else! No nightmares, or depression. He was actually going through worse. I was there for him, and to help him heal as well.

 

10. When his therapist suggested that I may "revenge cheat" I was LIVID. He had never met me and it was the furthest thing from my mind. I wanted to heal us, not hurt him - I love him.

 

 

 

Really? I find that difficult to believe if you were in a serious relationship or married.

 

Here it is again, written for infidelity this time. You telling me you didn't feel ANY of this?

 

 

 

Top 10 Reasons Being Cheated on Is Like Being Cheated on.

 

1. It's physically devastating. You are shocked it happened, and physically sick over it. You don't eat for weeks, don't sleep, can't concentrate, don't trust anyone, and become a ghost of your former self. Your confidence is stolen, and something very valuable to you was purposefully, maliciously ( and irrevocably ) ripped away from you by someone else.

 

2. You don't trust ANY women anymore. When you look at other wives, you only see cheaters that just haven't been caught yet. Same way cheating victims don't trust men anymore. Sex becomes far less enjoyable because you constantly think about the cheating.

 

3. Like in a known cheating, while you were being cheated on, other people in he know just stood around and laughed at you. They had no regard for you, your life, your safety, nothing. You were a nobody to them. And the cheater, while he was cheating you was having ball and was happy he was doing this to you. It was about his satisfaction only, and your whole life didn't mean squat. Nobody helped you, or told the cheater to stop.

 

4. You walk around afraid that you will be cheated on again. You practically expect it, so you don't invest heavily in yourself or anyone else. You know the next time you don't want it to hurt, so you'll just give up yourself, and walk away less harmed. This is like prison cheating. The first one probably hurts like hell and is awful, but you sort of expect the next ones, and won't be as traumatized. You can't get hurt if you don't care, so you don't care.

 

 

5. The cheater only apologizes when they get caught. They never apologize right away. They deny it, and bull**** you, and hire attorneys to prove their innocence. Some even blame you! Only once they get convicted, or spend some time in jail do they ever apologize for their crime. Only when they have to PAY A PRICE for their crime do they feel any remorse. Until then, they can't/won't empathize with you. Worse, the other people involved in the known cheating, the ones who knew and said nothing, usually get off scott free.

 

6. People who cheat once, usually cheat again and again. It gets easier for them each time. They just work harder at not getting caught. Everyone knows this universal truth, but we still tell ourselves that THIS cheater has been rehabilitated and won't do it again. But they always do. Because their needs trump anyone else's.

 

7. You have horrible flashbacks of the cheating. These can come out of nowhere, and take you right back to the time and place of the attack. But the more you want to talk about it, the more people get sick of hearing your story over and over. Especially the cheater. So you suffer in silence, and don't tell anyone how you feel. And you will never admit to anyone that you were cheated on.

 

8. You develop incredible empathy for other cheating victims and feel like you want to write a friggen book about how to avoid being cheated on and share it with the world. You wish you could stop ALL cheating in the world, and you wouldn't even want your worst enemy to be cheated on because of how awful it is. You'd go on Oprah tomorrow if she called.

 

9. Like in-family cheating, or incest, you sometimes have to live with the cheater, and see them everyday. You have to think about the anniversary of D-Day and suffer through it. You have to forgive the unforgivable, and work HARDER than your cheater to live with any normalcy. You have to fight back with kindness like Ghandi, even when you are still having nightmares and flashbacks and fits of depression.

 

10. Sometimes, you may even feel an overwhelming urge to cheat on someone yourself. Anyone. To fight fire with fire. To level the playing field. To be in control instead of being manipulated. You want a do-over where this time YOU win and all the people in that knew you were being cheating on get screwed over. You have hate in your heart, and don't care how bad life gets as a result. You are hardened, and feel totally justified in getting some payback.

[TrustedthenBusted]

(sorry I am on a phone so bare with me)

 

Yes really, at least not to these grandiose proportions. It was and is a serious relationship, when he cheated we had been living together for 9 years, now it's almost 15.

 

1. I was stressed, but not eating for weeks? No, I went about my normal life. I didn't miss a moment of work, I kept to my usual routine. Sure, I cried by myself in my car, or in the morning as he slept beside me - but I was not a shadow of myself. And his cheating did not affect my trust of others.

 

2. Didn't affect my trust in others in the slightest. I dont know, maybe it's because I am so rational, but what he did has nothing to do with other men. Still loved sex and wanted lots with him even post D day.

 

3. No one knew about it (besides he, I, and the OW).There were no bystanders.

 

4. Nope, never felt this way.

 

5. He showed remorse, he empathized, there def. werent any attorney's involved!

 

6. Nope, don't agree. I trust him 100% these days. I don't even have a twinge to think he would cheat again. He didn't cheat because he is a selfish *******, he was depressed, his dad just died, he was in a crisis point in his life.

 

7. Sure I had some triggers, but never had "mind movies" so I really didn't have flash backs. If I wanted to talk to him about it, we talked about it. He didnt stone wall. I didn't desire to discuss it with anyone else but him ans my counselor.

 

8. I didn't think my situation had anything to do with anyone elses. I had no inclination to become a cheating victim advocate.

 

9. He was there for me, and held me through my pain. I wanted him there, and wouldn't want anyone else! No nightmares, or depression. He was actually going through worse. I was there for him, and to help him heal as well.

 

10. When his therapist suggested that I may "revenge cheat" I was LIVID. He had never met me and it was the furthest thing from my mind. I wanted to heal us, not hurt him - I love him.

 

 

Sounds like you are one of the rare, and lucky ones.

[AMJ]

I didnt experience any of this. I didnt want ANYONE to know what happened and still dont. I dont want an ounce of pity and I felt incredible shame over it AND self blame. And take a peek at the infidelity forum or read any of the leading self help books and you will quickly see that one of the first tasks in recovery is to accept that YOU have likely contributed to the conditions that lead to the affair.

 

Why the rape parralell? Who knows. I was in a horrible place when I wrote it and rape is pretty much the worst thing I could think of. I definitely felt violated and helplesss and scared and ashamed and victimized. Seems like a decent parallel at the time.

 

You're still missing my point, but that's okay. Like you said, it is not a misery contest.

 

If you read the rape posts that are on here, most of them have a common theme- was I raped? They describe the same story, with minor differences, but generally the same story- and they are struggling to define what happened to them.

 

Cheating is cheating. It's pretty black and white. There's emotional cheating and physical cheating, right? But betrayed spouses don't have this anxiety and grief and confusion over piecing together what exactly happened to them. And people believe your story. That is huge.

 

Like others have said, rape is a violent crime. This PSA came out today I think sums up how rape survivors feel- silenced, ashamed. No one will believe their story, so they don't tell their story. And until that culture changes, our numbers of rape victims will not decrease much.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/09/she-is-someone-lena-dunham-girls-stanford-sexual-assault-survivor

 

Most people I know who have been cheated on respond with straight anger. They get support. People don't doubt their story.

 

Most rape survivors I know never tell hardly anyone about what happened to them. It takes them weeks, months and sometimes longer to come to terms with it and even vocalize it.

 

Yes, you may experience some of the same feelings as a rape survivor. Grief, shame, anger, doubt, depression- these are universal feelings. I feel grief when my dog dies, is that the same type of grief my friend felt when her mom died unexpectedly last year?

[BetheButterfly]

I find it offensive to compare betrayed trust (cheating) to being physically sexually assaulted.

 

I don't find it offensive because I don't think the OP means it to be insulting at all. I just disagree with comparing the 2.

 

They are not the same in my opinion. I understand some people have been very damaged by their spouse's cheating.

 

But to call it rape? To compare it to a physical attack?

 

100% agreed.

I don't think for a moment I would recover as quickly from rape as I have from cheating

Agreed. Cheating would hurt horribly emotionally and would do a lot of damage to the heart and emotions, but rape is a whole lot worse: both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

[BetheButterfly]

Like others have said, rape is a violent crime.

 

This PSA came out today I think sums up how rape survivors feel- silenced, ashamed. No one will believe their story, so they don't tell their story. And until that culture changes, our numbers of rape victims will not decrease much. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/09/she-is-someone-lena-dunham-girls-stanford-sexual-assault-survivor

 

Sobering and excellent points.

 

Most people I know who have been cheated on respond with straight anger. They get support. People don't doubt their story.

Aye

 

Most rape survivors I know never tell hardly anyone about what happened to them. It takes them weeks, months and sometimes longer to come to terms with it and even vocalize it.

Aye. One of my friends who was raped didn't tell me till one day we were discussing abortion and I told her that women who are raped should give birth anyways. That's when she told me she aborted the baby conceived when her stepfather raped her when she was a teen. I've never seen so much pain in the eyes of anyone before my friend told me about that rape. I can't imagine. I've never been raped so how can I demand a girl who was raped to keep the baby conceived by rape? I can't, cause I honestly don't know if I could do that. Her opening up to me really helped me understand that. I won't ever say who she is, out of respect for her privacy. I will say she helped me see her side of the story.

 

She never pressed charged on her stepfather, though her Mom did divorce him when she found out. My friend got married to a physically abusive husband, who she divorced after watching her son hit his sister. It took her a long time before she married someone else, because she was so afraid that what happened to her would happen to her daughter.

 

Nowadays, more rape victims press charges against rapists, but there are still so many who won't because they know they won't be believed, or will be persecuted for it.

 

Yes, you may experience some of the same feelings as a rape survivor. Grief, shame, anger, doubt, depression- these are universal feelings. I feel grief when my dog dies, is that the same type of grief my friend felt when her mom died unexpectedly last year?

Great points. Edited June 9, 2016 by BetheButterfly

[TrustedthenBusted]

But betrayed spouses don't have this anxiety and grief and confusion over piecing together what exactly happened to them.

 

Oh dear God this is wrong. BS's spend YEARS sometimes trying to piece together what happened to them, and sometimes the pieces are scattered along over multiple affairs, and several years. Until you've had your entire memory overwritten, it's hard to explain. Granted, it is still not as horrific as a direct sexual assault, but it is not something to be glossed over. People have killed over infidelity, and gone insane over it, and sunken into deep deep depressions over it. So...black and white? Sure. But no less destructive.

 

Listen, I hear you completely. But I guess I'm not sure what it is we are talking about. We are describing the pain and suffering of two different traumatic experiences, right? Both involving similar circumstances, similar reactions, similar experiences and similar outcomes, yes?

 

Sure, the violations are different from one another, and we could go on all day discussing specific experiences and specific cases that totally differ from one another, but to what end?

 

At the end of it all, both situations cause suffering, and I don't see any benefit in pitting them against each other when everyone involved just needs support and understanding.

 

Anyway, that's probably the last I will say about that. My intent again was to let people who are really hurting know that the pain doesn't have to last forever.

 

Thanks though.

[Whoknew30]

(sorry I am on a phone so bare with me)

 

Yes really, at least not to these grandiose proportions. It was and is a serious relationship, when he cheated we had been living together for 9 years, now it's almost 15.

 

1. I was stressed, but not eating for weeks? No, I went about my normal life. I didn't miss a moment of work, I kept to my usual routine. Sure, I cried by myself in my car, or in the morning as he slept beside me - but I was not a shadow of myself. And his cheating did not affect my trust of others.

 

2. Didn't affect my trust in others in the slightest. I dont know, maybe it's because I am so rational, but what he did has nothing to do with other men. Still loved sex and wanted lots with him even post D day.

 

3. No one knew about it (besides he, I, and the OW).There were no bystanders.

 

4. Nope, never felt this way.

 

5. He showed remorse, he empathized, there def. werent any attorney's involved!

 

6. Nope, don't agree. I trust him 100% these days. I don't even have a twinge to think he would cheat again. He didn't cheat because he is a selfish *******, he was depressed, his dad just died, he was in a crisis point in his life.

 

7. Sure I had some triggers, but never had "mind movies" so I really didn't have flash backs. If I wanted to talk to him about it, we talked about it. He didnt stone wall. I didn't desire to discuss it with anyone else but him ans my counselor.

 

8. I didn't think my situation had anything to do with anyone elses. I had no inclination to become a cheating victim advocate.

 

9. He was there for me, and held me through my pain. I wanted him there, and wouldn't want anyone else! No nightmares, or depression. He was actually going through worse. I was there for him, and to help him heal as well.

 

10. When his therapist suggested that I may "revenge cheat" I was LIVID. He had never met me and it was the furthest thing from my mind. I wanted to heal us, not hurt him - I love him.

 

 

You handled it so similar to how I did. I cried too but did not let anything affect my daily routines. My H cheated bc he was all screwed up over me being as sick as I was...I now understand. He felt bad even having sex with me bc he felt some how I'd break. Though that's what I mean about there IMO is something a little off emotionally or mentally that goes beyond the cheating part to how a BS reacts. Emotionally & mentally healthy people don't go to certain extremes just bc they were hurt. It could be a trigger of something that happened to them before & it all kind of mixes together.

 

Also to compare certain things & hurts isn't comparable...like when I was sick. All I could do was lay in a hospital bed & pray that I survived. I had no options or control. When cheated on, one has options on how to handle it. No one makes you "deal" with it, it's hard (not debating that) but there are many ways to handle it. A true victim of something lacks those options, they'll never have power over the crime or person that they had to deal with, BS do have that power once they find out.

 

That's why it bothers me to hear...victim. You're not a true victim of something unless you have absolutely no control over your situation at all. Those people that say this should try laying in a bed for years with no options at all & no one (including the Dr's) can help you.

[BetheButterfly]

i don't think they have any kind of comparison! A girl being held down, while a man pushes inside her (or many men) is completely different then him screwing someone else.

 

100% agreed.

 

People go to prison for rape...

Interestingly, people in the USA used to go to jail for adultery:

 

Found this historical note:

 

In 21 states, cheating in a marriage is against the law, punishable by a fine or even jail time.

 

The New Hampshire Legislature is voting on a law Thursday that would repeal its anti-adultery law. Currently, adultery is a Class B misdemeanor and punishable by a fine up to $1,200 in the state.

 

"I don't think there's any appetite in New Hampshire to use police powers to enforce a marriage," New Hampshire state Rep. Tim O'Flaherty, the bill's sponsor, said during a public hearing last month.

 

Last year, Colorado repealed its anti-adultery law.

 

States' anti-adultery laws are rarely enforced, a vestige of our country's Puritanical beginnings, says Naomi Cahn, a law professor at the George Washington University Law School.

 

In which states is cheating on your spouse illegal?

 

A suck but no where near on the same level. Also not to mention how many women try & work out a relationship with their rapists? How can something be "just as bad" if you even think about working on it?

Great points

Yes cheating sucks but it doesn't kill you, you have the option to leave, you have the option to go to therapy, once found out the power is now in the BS's court, a lot of other victims of crimes & diseases don't have those options.

Aye.

[TrustedthenBusted]

That's why it bothers me to hear...victim. You're not a true victim of something unless you have absolutely no control over your situation at all.

 

Not a true victim? This seems to imply that ones suffering must be total, and uncontrollable in order to be considered a true victim.

 

I had absolutely no control over my wife's betrayal. No control over the many many lies told and dollars spent, and health risks taken. I had no control of whether she had gotten pregnant or contracted HIV, or decided to try to take my children away. The most painful thing about it might actually be that that you DO have absolutely no control over any of what HAPPENED. Key word: Happened.

 

Sure, I can control how I react to a traumatic experience, but so can any victim right?

 

I bet you there are totally healthy victims of rape, assault, drunk drivers, freak accidents and near-terminal sicknesses out there who look at it objectively, understand that bad things sometimes happen to good people, and go on with their lives. Has to be. Nothing is universal.

 

That's like telling someone they can't be TRULY hungry unless they are starving in Sub Saharan Africa.

 

I mean if you were raped, I guess you aren't TRULY a victim unless you were murdered too? Where does it end? Or better yet, where does being a victim begin?

[Raena]

Sounds like you are one of the rare, and lucky ones.

 

Indeed...very rare

[Raena]

That's why it bothers me to hear...victim. You're not a true victim of something unless you have absolutely no control over your situation at all. T

 

Do you think that BS's have control over their cheating spouses? I know I didn't. I didn't even know I was being cheated on until over a year after it had begun and then was lied to repeatedly and made to feel crazy for another 6 months before the truth came out. I was absolutely a victim of his choices. What he did hurt me, hurt my son and forever changed the way I view relationships. I had no control over what he chose to do. I was a victim. Your statement makes it sound like this is not possible and to be honest, that is offensive.