how do I stop being so jealous?

[sbajldjsbxkdoo]

Let me first start off my saying athat I've never been really mistreated or cheated on in a relationship, so I have no idea where my jealousy comes from. Or maybe its insecurity.

 

In high school, when I started getting my figure and wearing makeup, I LIVED off the attention I got. I was almost too confident. I would have this weird psychological thing where I wanted to hook up with or date as many people possible. I cheated on boyfriends, I went out with their friends, it was horrible. Pretty soon I was known [to be promiscuous], and people were not at all shy in calling me that. But I even took that as a compliment.

 

At the same time, I did have one insecurity: my skin. With the amount of makeup I was wearing, stress, puberty, genetics, whatever it was, I would get breakouts often. I had days where I missed school because of a pimple, as vain as it sounds. I spent hundreds of dollars on products that I thought would help, even though my skin wasn't even horrible, compared to other teenagers. I never went out without being caked in makeup. Actually, no boyfriend had ever seen me without makeup until this one.

 

Since then, a few years have passed and I am now fully committed to someone, with no desire to cheat whatsoever. I still love attention of looks and stares, but not the same kind as before. I know I am a very goodlooking girl, and I like to show it off in a less promiscuous way.

 

Now, this isn't a story about my high school experience, but I'm thinking that between my previous need of affirmation from men, and my insecurities in high school, I may have developed some relationship issues.

 

I have an absolutely incredible boyfriend, who I trust, love, and am planning on marrying. The only thing is I get incredibly jealous. When he talks to other girls, when he mentions another girl, when adds a girl on Facebook, I get this huge, horrible pang in my stomach. He has never done anything to hurt me, though, our relationship began when he had a girlfriend already.

 

He is a photographer, and a lot of the time he has to take pictures at nightlife events, which is essentially just pictures of girls. Every time he's at one of these, or doing a photoshoot with a girl, or is socializing with a girl, I just get the worst feeling in the world. I have no way of describing it other than the feeling you would get when someone is cheating on you. But I KNOW he isnt! I am fully aware that this issue is something deep inside myself, and has nothing to do with him, but I have no idea how to resolve it. I haven't had a long, serious relationship before this. Ive talked to him about it, and it hurts him that I get hurt by such little things - he thinks I don't trust him sometimes. I really do. But something inside me is just going crazy and I don't know how to fix it, stop being jealous, and be able to support him and his career honestly.

 

Thanks for any advice anyone can give!

Edited June 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them ~6

[Satu]

It's called Projective Identification:

 

 

What is Projective Identification?

 

"Projection is the unconscious act of attributing something inside ourselves to someone else. Usually, but not always, the "thing" we are projecting is an unwanted emotion or attribute. For instance, if John does not feel good about his own body image, he may see Mark and and think to himself, "Hmmm, it looks like Mark has put on a lot of weight." Now, if Mark has in fact put on a lot of weight, John would simply be observing reality accurately. If Mark has not gained weight, we could safely assume that John is projecting his own perceived unattractiveness onto Mark. John, by projecting onto Mark, is also distorting his own ability to perceive reality clearly.

 

Projection occurs inside one person's mind. In the above example, the projection is occurring inside John. Mark may be walking past John and not have a clue what is going on regarding John's perceptions of him."

 

(I can't post you a direct link to the page where I harvested quote because it is against this Forums rules, but you'll find it easily enough through a simple search.)

 

 

You are projecting the repressed discomfort generated by your own past and present behaviour, onto your boyfriend, because it easier to do that, than it is to face up to your own subconscious unease regarding your own behaviour.

 

This is done unconsciously, of course.

 

So you have unfinished business with yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Cinnamonstix]

I see two things here that may be contributing to your lack of trust.

 

1. You were once a cheater, so you know what people are capable of.
   
2. Your bf was in a relationship with someone else when you started. So you began a relationship with a liar and a cheater.
   

 

Those contributing factors are not very "deep inside you." Why you have cheated in the past and crave attention is more deep-seated, but the above points are pretty understandable for most people in the same circumstances.

[Satu]

You're looking at your boyfriend and seeing yourself.

[preraph]

People who choose to cheat usually assume others think the same way as them in a similar circumstance and will also choose to cheat if it's an option.

[LostOnes05]

I see two things here that may be contributing to your lack of trust.

 

1. You were once a cheater, so you know what people are capable of.
   
2. Your bf was in a relationship with someone else when you started. So you began a relationship with a liar and a cheater.
   

 

Those contributing factors are not very "deep inside you." Why you have cheated in the past and crave attention is more deep-seated, but the above points are pretty understandable for most people in the same circumstances.

 

Spot freaking on!!!

[JS84]

You're projecting. You know you're a cheater, so you feel he must be too (which it sounds like he already is going by how your relationship started). It doesn't sound like you changed as much as you think you have.

[Buddhist]

I LIVED off the attention I got. I was almost too confident. I would have this weird psychological thing where I wanted to hook up with or date as many people possible. I cheated on boyfriends, I went out with their friends, it was horrible.

 

At the same time, I did have one insecurity: my skin.

 

I'll disagree with you here, you had a few more insecurities than your skin. It seems as if you had very low self esteem and while the attention took your focus off that, it was still there. So you went ahead and developed a persona based off how other people react to you. You still have this persona as demonstrated by your next comment.

 

I still love attention of looks and stares, but not the same kind as before. I know I am a very goodlooking girl, and I like to show it off.

 

Just because your persona has matured a bit doesn't mean it is any less fragile than it was back in high school. It's still just an eggshell covering up what is [i suspect] a broken sense of self. What happens when you are no longer a very good looking girl? You haven't been confronted with that yet and probably won't for a couple of decades at least. But when you are, you will discover what lies beneath that persona that can no longer be invested in and relied upon.

 

my previous need of affirmation from men, and my insecurities in high school, I may have developed some relationship issues.

 

Not developed per se. More like, they were always there and now this relationship is bringing them to the fore in full force.

 

I have an absolutely incredible boyfriend, who I trust, love, and am planning on marrying. The only thing is I get incredibly jealous. When he talks to other girls, when he mentions another girl, when adds a girl on Facebook, I get this huge, horrible pang in my stomach. He has never done anything to hurt me, though, our relationship began when he had a girlfriend already.

 

And here's the first crack in that eggshell.

 

You already know that despite being a very good looking girl, you are not the most beautiful girl in the world. And he spends his time around other very good looking girls. You also know he has left someone else for you. It's now a ticking time bomb in your mind that what if he meets another girl he likes better than you? Because your sense of self is fully invested in other people's assessment of your beauty you don't trust the unique connection you have with this particular person. While you may obstensively trust him, what you don't trust is that your personal connection to him can endure the temptations of his workplace.

 

I have no idea how to resolve it..... But something inside me is just going crazy and I don't know how to fix it.

 

Well knowing that you've got a problem if the first step, knowing that you don't know how to fix it, the second. You're in a good place. Here's my take. The problem is, getting attention in HS and then building your self esteem off that was building a house of cards. It's a very precarious thing to be dependant upon external validation for your own self worth. Because you don't innately believe in your sense of self worth, but you believe in your physical appearance makes you worthy, you naturally worry about the moment that he meets someone better looking (aka more worthy) than you. And trust me, that WILL happen.

 

If you fully believe that his attraction to you is based on the way you look then you fully believe his attraction to any other woman is based on exactly the same thing. Worse, he's already demonstrated jumping ship based on that very thing. This relationship has now become a massive trigger for your personal insecurities and it's mirroring to you where you sense of self really lies. Not in you the individual, but the way you appear and the attention you can garner. He's not around you all the time, he's around other women who rival you, and they get lots of attention too. You are now powerless by your own rules. No wonder you feel anxious.

 

Whether or not your BF is cheating/going to cheat etc is irrelevant right now. What's relevant is that you start investing in something else for your sense of self worth. Without that, this relationship will tear you apart.

[Cherryz]

If you are "to much"of something, its also insecure that you are.

 

Jealousy often comes from being insecure, or childhood trauma or while growing up you saw or been true things and now you try to control the situation/person by acting jalouse.

 

But truth is you afraid of something or have other issues that you haven't deal with it yet and need to get a therapist and help books.

 

In your case i think you been cheating yourself alot in the past so now you afraid of

your past paying you back.

Also you was messing with someone else bf. So now you scared someone else will do same to you and get away with him?

 

Not judging you, but you say you changed your ways,....... but how did you change it if you just mess with someone that had a gf and that is now your bf?

Maybe your jealousy is the consequences of such life style.

With everything, you will always have to deal with the consequences.

 

Learning from your past and stop with something means also not messing with peoples bf.

Respect people as you want to be respected.

 

I think your issues may be deeper. And you may need to see a therapist and read some self help books. And be honest with yourself.

Because it looks like somehow you like to be or get involve in relationships that hurt others and that are very disrespected to others( cheat on bfs, get with their best friends, get with peoples bfs.).

Maybe cause you saw your parent cheating, or saw them change partners alot?

And so not learn how to respect or have relationships in a healthy way..?

Could be many things. A therapist could help you figure that out.

[Cherryz]

You can read self help books, and a talk with close friends and family about it.

If you feel the need you can also add a therapist in your process.

 

Ps: Its very good that you asking this question. The earlier you work on it the better for you and your further relationships. And love life.

SOme people live their whole life not dealing with their issues and behavior, and end up single and lonely.