Author Bjames Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Aussie, I do believe that could be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I feel like the absolute majority of the time your theories would apply, but every situation and every person is different. ... I could sit here and try and justify why my story is unique Sure, you could. We have heard it all a hundred times. EVERY single person thinks theirs is unique. They are mostly wrong. Maybe you are the one in a million but you have to look at the facts here. The FACT is, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. She has told you this clearly and plainly. Sure people are speculating about her motives are reasons and thought process, whatever. Maybe we are all wrong, maybe you're right. But how does that overcome the FACT that however unique your situation, she still doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Everyone wants to believe their situation is different, their ex-lover is special, their circumstances are truly unique. Everyone wants to be the one exception to all the rules that proves everybody wrong. But here's the thing: if it really was different, you wouldn't be here. When exceptions do arise the other person's behavior gives you no cause for doubt. People who truly love their partners in a healthy way don't choose to leave them just to go on self-exploration journeys. As PegNosePete said above, at the end of the day she decided she would be happier without you, and that's all that matters. The sooner you can honor that truth the sooner you can move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I appreciate the input everyone. It's way easier said than done, to trust in the unknowns while watching your love drift away. I guess there really is nothing I can do. It has to be her decision to be with me. And if she isnt feeling a relationship right now, nothing I can say will change that. I really do wish there was a way we could remain close during this phase in our lives. She seems to think she can "find herself" and remain close to me, but she would be unable to do so if we were together. I'm not sure why, but there's no sense worrying in something I can't understand. She is so young. This is a timing issue. It may be nothing about your relationship other than she has not explored the world or other relationships and at this age that she's at that's exactly what she wants to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Don't try to remain close to her right now. It will hurt like hell when she eventually does go out with another guy, sleeps with another guy, and so on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) You guys seem to think that all situations are black and white. I feel like the absolute majority of the time your theories would apply, but every situation and every person is different. I could sit here and try and justify why my story is unique but I'm not going to. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. All I can do is move forward my life knowing if we were meant to be we will be. She continues to insist that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. Even after you hook up she maintains that. Now you can try to spin this until you're blue in the face, but facts are facts. She has decided to demote you to friend/occasional hookup. You can either continue to try to fight against it, be used and put your heart and head through the shredder time after time or you can take a step back, get your bearings, let her actually be without your presence and start to recover for this. What would be her motivation to come back to you in a romantic way when you keep on settling for less? If someone is going to give me tasty filet mignon for a dollar I'm certainly not going to go a restaurant and spend 30 bucks on it. That's basically what you're doing right now. While you keep putting your fingers in your ears and yelling "No, no, no" at the possibility of her dating/sleeping with other men, it's probably going to happen at some point, so you might as well get prepared for it. I believe you that it's not her primary motivation for the decision that she's made, but it's an inevitable side effect of it. And you being there hovering doesn't reduce that possibility by much, if at all. It might prolong the amount of time before it happens, but it will happen at some point. It almost has to. Honestly, it might be good for you for her to see what else is out there. She might start dating and then realize what she gave up and re-realize your value as a romantic partner. But that won't happen if you stay in any sort of contact. Not only will it be awful for you to have to discover this -- whether it be from her or indirectly through social media -- but you being there like a lump will enpower her to keep looking for someone else, because she knows you'll be there to cushion your fall as a "buddy". And if you disappear and she finds someone else that she truly values? It might suck, but it might not, as you might discover there are other things to eat besides filet mignon, too. I know you want to prove everyone wrong and debate her and coerce her into seeing your point of view by showing her how awesome it is to hang out with you and by showing your impeccable "logic", but that's a dangerous, foolish game to play. You need space for yourself, you need to give her space (whether she wants it or not) and you need to treat this as the breakup it is. It truly is the best way. Edited June 24, 2016 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
Giggles666 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 You have one option....move on with no contact. If she misses you and realizes she loves you she will do so. If she moves on so will you. Both require no contact though. I wish I knew this when I was younger, it's your only choice. As for why she is doing what she is doing, who knows. Try not to analyze it you'll only drive yourself nuts. Easier said than done BUT if it helps pick the Avenue where she wants to be with someone else and move on. Sadly you have no choice. Cancel seeing her and dissappear, it's hard but works in more ways than one. I'm sorry this is happening and wish you the best. No contact, you take the initiative and control...if you give into her she will only cause you pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 Bjames - wish you'd post an update on your unique situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bjames Posted July 4, 2016 Author Share Posted July 4, 2016 Hey everyone. I want to share my reconciliation story with you all. Before I begin, thank you to everyone who has offered advice to me recently. My girlfriend broke up with me about five weeks before we reconciled. Although I didn't completely understand why she broke it off at the time, I do now. First of all she was depressed; she was depending on me for happiness and I had become a rather lethargic boyfriend. She felt like she needed some time to really sort out her own issues. She felt as if the passion between us was declining. She began to question whether or not I genuinely intended to ask her to marry me. We had been dating for almost five years and to her it seemed we were getting further away from marriage, not closer, as time continued to pass. I really did love her at the time and I still do; however, I was losing her because I became consumed by my new job at the time and I was putting less effort into our relationship. So one day she broke up with me I decided to go no contact to give her some space, but after 4 days she began to initiate contact. She would call me frequently, text me she loves me, she would try to hang out with me, etc. I was confused because she wanted all these things but she didn't want to recommit to a relationship. I told her how I felt about her but I quickly found out that words are not enough. I didn't let it the breakup affect my life, my job, my friendships or anything else, but I was very sad for awhile because I felt I had lost the love of my life and it was my fault. I came to this website and alot of people were preaching "no-contact." They told me to ignore her "bread-crumbs," that she "wanted to have her cake and eat it too," that "she was using me for emotional support in order to get over me," you know, the usual post-breakup advice. I'm not trying to say this is bad advice, and I would even venture to say in most cases no-contact is the best route to take depending on how/why the breakup occurred. However, I really believe that every situation is different and even if you write a novel on a breakup forum, the people reading will never fully understand the situation. I think that the best advice giver is yourself (only if you are capable of viewing the situation from a non-emotional and mature perspective). Nobody knows your ex, your relationship or your breakup better than you do. Anyway, I decided to do the exact opposite of what people here had suggested. I started to meet up with her. I showed her my passion and love for her in person with actions; not with words. We had alot of sex, alot of fun and alot of deep conversations about everything and anything during this time. I could tell she never fell out of love with me. I also started to see she was becoming happier. She continued pursuing hobbies she had let sit and collect dust during the last few months of our relationship. She put herself out there to make some more girlfriends because she felt she didn't have enough of them prior. She was spending more time with her family, trying as hard as she could to succeed in her classes, she started hitting the gym again, the list goes on. Truthfully, I was doing the exact same thing with my life and I had started feeling better about myself too. A few days ago I met up with her again. It was the fifth time I had seen her since the breakup. She told me that I was driving her crazy because all she wanted to do was be with me. I said, "Then be with me." She said yes, and we are now together again. I am determined to not make the same mistake twice. I'm too smart and I love her too much to mess up a second time. And that concludes my story. I really do think that if a breakup occurs on good terms (no cheating, lying, yelling, etc.) and if you really do love your ex, that going no-contact isn't necessarily the best way. I feel like no-contact should only be used as a way to move forward with your life if you feel like you don't want to be with your ex or if you feel like there is no chance for reconciliation. No-contact should never be used as a manipulation technique to make your ex miss you, how could you do that to a person if you love them? Thats my question for you. However, if you continue contact with an ex, I feel like you need to be sure that you are willing to put your heart on the line. You may never get your ex back. It's an emotional risk. I took that risk, and I will never regret doing so. I got her back! Anyway thanks again for all the advice everyone, and best of luck to everyone who is in a similar situation with their ex-lover. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 No-contact should never be used as a manipulation technique to make your ex miss you, how could you do that to a person if you love them? Thats my question for you. However, if you continue contact with an ex, I feel like you need to be sure that you are willing to put your heart on the line. You may never get your ex back. It's an emotional risk. I took that risk, and I will never regret doing so. I got her back! Anyway thanks again for all the advice everyone, and best of luck to everyone who is in a similar situation with their ex-lover. I wish you all the best. No contact is not something everyone should follow. If you were in a very bad and unhealthy relationship, then I would suggest it just so you can move on faster. I'm glad you got back together, but take things slowly. On the first days it feels like everything is alright, then the problems may appear again. Make sure you both make it work this time, else it will be just more pain to deal with in the future. Wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bjames Posted July 4, 2016 Author Share Posted July 4, 2016 No contact is not something everyone should follow. If you were in a very bad and unhealthy relationship, then I would suggest it just so you can move on faster. I'm glad you got back together, but take things slowly. On the first days it feels like everything is alright, then the problems may appear again. Make sure you both make it work this time, else it will be just more pain to deal with in the future. Wish you the best! I think alot of people suggest no-contact as simply a way of moving on after a breakup. If that is the post-breakup goal, then I feel like no-contact is the only way. I've found that people who suggest no-contact believe that seeking reconciliation is stupid and a risk that shouldn't be taken, on the chance that your ex never gives you another shot. If they don't; then hunting for reconciliation is an emotional roadblock and a waste of time. However it was totally worth it for me. I do plan on taking things slowly. We shall see. I'm happy to say that this reconciliation isn't simply focused on how I will do things to improve the relationship. She has willingly commented on things she needs to improve on, herself. I have high hopes for the future! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Congrats. I think you should have taken more time away, but I'm glad you seem to be going in the right direction. And thank you for finally being direct with her. I think that, more than anything, probably helped you out. Either way, I hope it works this time and best of luck. And No Contact isn't for manipulation. I'm not sure where you got that from. Link to post Share on other sites
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