cloudks Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 I’m not sure I know why I am writing here I guess I just feel the need to get this out. Let me start by saying I have been married to my wife for four years now. We dated for four years previous to our marriage. I am 30 and she is 28. My wife told me she had cheated on my around Christmas time with a co-worker at a Christmas party... I never saw this coming, it was completely devastating. I felt humiliated betrayed all the emotions one would feel if this happed. We discussed parting ways at that time I feared never trusting her ever again and it has been struggle but I have been trying. She expressed complete remorse for what she had done, and begged for my forgiveness. We decided to put all of this behind us and move on with our marriage. We decided to build a house after we worked through her infidelity, we are now 3 weeks from completion of the house. Last night I sensed something was wrong, I finally got her to tell me what was going on. She thinks she wants to sperate, and be on her own she doesn’t think she should be married. She swears there is no other guy. I am once again devastated. I can’t believe she would beg for forgiveness continue to pursue the rest of our lives together, then proceed to tell me weeks before we are scheduled to move into our house/close she wants to sperate. I am very upset at the financial burden she has caused us but I am more upset that I let the person I love so dearly hurt me so bad again... Then today she called me telling me she doesn’t know if this is what she wants either... What do I do? I will not live my life not knowing I am not loved by my wife. Some days she is the perfect wife then others she doesn’t want to be married. I am on an emotional roller coaster with her and can’t find the brakes. I keep telling myself IT'S ONLY LOVE IF YOU ARE LOVED IN RETURN. And I am sure she doesn’t love me as I love her! I am thinking separation is not the answer I am thinking I want a divorce, I can't live my live not knowing. I know this is a brief outline of the entire situation but am I wrong for thinking the way I do Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 When you guys got back together, did you guys seek counselling? Unfortunately, it sounds like you guys ignored the initial problems that caused her to cheat in the first place and now she's confused again. Personally, I think divorce should be the last option when you've tried every other possible avenue. (But I'm biased) I think before you make any important decisions, that you should seek some counselling, both IC and MC. It will help you see the real issues that is causing distance in your marriage and possibly find solutions. Once you've tried everything, then making the decision for divorce becomes easier because you know you've tried every possible thing. There's no guilt associated with the decision. You both can walk away knowing you tried your best. If you still want a divorce, you need to be separated for sometime anyway. It's good to be separated for a period of time. When you make the initial decision of divorce, both parties are filled with emotion and neither side can think clearly. Everyone just wants it to be over, and you're willing to make quick decisions, but it's really dangerous to make any decisions at a time like that. Be separated for a few months, figure out if you both can be happy alone before continuing with the divorce. Just my 2cents Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 I strongly suggest leaving her for good. She is unstable, selfish, and puts her own needs before yours. She is a worthless piece of crap for treating you this way. She doesn't know what she wants. She will either cheat again or drop the ball again on ya down the road saying she wants a seperation. She will put you thru a rollercoaster ride if you don't get out now. Go with the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckiStar2 Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 I am actually in a very similar situation. I went out of town right before Christmas and found out about a month later that my husband spent that time with a co-worker of his. He did go to counseling but it really hasn't helped with the trust issue. You have to ask yourself if you can ever trust her again because without trust it is all downhill. You will resent her for her actions and she will resent you for questioning her motives for anything she does in the future. My husband also decided he needed to separate from me because he felt that he had dug himself into a hole (and he had) and he couldn't get out. Which basically meant he didn't want to try to. Can you be happy with this person again? Can you trust her? Is she really treating you the way you deserve to be treated? I can give you my opinion on the answers to those questions but you really need to answer them yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
indecisive Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 The age-old problem is that no one can fully understand a couple unless he or she is part of that couple (and even that's debatable). So, I'm cautious about giving an opinion because I can't possibly know your story. But from what you have said, I would surmise that your wife really does need to be on her own (and you do, too) so you can both breathe, think, take hard looks at yourselves, etc. It is often impossible to think clearly when you're under the same roof. Moreover, when you're in each other's presence, you two will simply end up doing things to make the other feel bad or confused (e.g., "Hmmm... when she said X, did she really mean Y?" or "By leaving her disgusting dishes in the sink, she's really saying that she doesn't give a crap about me or the new house we've been building.") I'd say arrange a few months (maybe more) apart and insist that you both get individual counseling. Then, when the two of you have some strength and peace of mind back, try some joint counseling and see how things go. Don't be a softy, though. Make it clear that you are angry that she chose the infidelity route to express her dissatisfaction (and whatever else she's done) and, as a result, you're about this close to divorcing her. I say this becauase when you accepted her infidelity, without any conditions for improvement or changes (e.g., seek counseling or else) you set a precedent. Consciously or subconsciously, she knows that she can push the envelope pretty damn far before you'll defend your integrity and that of your marriage. I think it's okay to show this woman that you're willing to help her and help the relationship, but I do think it's important that you make it clear that you will not accept further breaks of trust or inertia about seeking a solution to this problem. Remember: This is just an opinion, but going through a controlled separation myself, I feel I can empathize a little. Proceed fearlessly. (Don't let fear guide your actions.) No matter what happens, you'll be alright. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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