The ruined vacation

[trombean]

Ok so I'm planning on proposing to my gf. I've been with her for almost 4 years now. I'm 28 and she's 25 and living with her parents. I've been saving up money for 2 years for this very moment. My dream is to take her to disney world (her favorite place on earth) and propose during the fireworks show.

 

Her family is very traditional. Knowing this, I decided to go up to her mom (about 2 months ago), I asked her for my blessing and told her my plans for the proposal. I was going to surprise her with the trip and tell her it's her that it's her present for graduating college. She gave me the green light but with one catch... She wants to come with us because it's "indecent" for a couple that isn't married to go anywhere by themselves. I politely argued with her that that really wasn't going to work. I gave her my word that nothing would happen over there and asked her if there was anything I could do to change her mind.

 

When she still was unsure I said "That's ok, I can think of something else. But this whole thing really isn't going to work if there are other people there with us".

 

In the end, she finally agreed, gave me the green light, told me to go ahead and make all the arrangements for the trip and to just "think about it", but that she would try to see it the same way that I do. So promptly afterwards, I booked the trip and bought the ring.

 

About a few weeks ago, after I had already told her about the trip (her mom didn't know that she knew yet), I get a call from her mom. She said that we need to think of some way to trick her, I.E: Having her say it's a family trip and then I surprise her there in Orlando. Why? Because "She knows I would never ever let her go anywhere by herself and she would never say yes to going anywhere with you alone". Well that was kind of awkward because I had already told her and she was extremely ecstatic about the idea.

 

So we kind of politely argued. Or at least *I* was trying to politely argue, meanwhile she was getting a little hysterical and threatening me and calling me all kinds of names.

 

I tried to find a compromise. I said:

"What if we set up a nanny cam inside the hotel room. You'll have 24/7 surveillance and you can see it whenever you want"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Because I said so"

"Can you at least tell me why?"

"No"

 

After being on the phone with her for about an hour, I realized this conversation wasn't going to go anywhere, and I might as well save myself the headache of letting her come even though that completely ruins what I was trying to go for. So I told her fine you can come.

 

Next day I told my gf about that and she didn't like it one bit. She was upset because her younger brother is going to Las Vegas with his gf and that was no problem to her, but she can't even though she's 25. So she went home that day and had a lot to say to her mom... And her mom blamed that outburst on me...

 

So now, I went from annoyed but trying to remain patient and polite, to full out angry. Not only did she lie to me that she would be ok with it, but she's going around to other people lying about what I said to her and what she said to me. Now her family is upset with me that I was so mean to this poor little lady while she was being "so nice" as to allow her 25 year old daughter to go to Disney World under her supervision.

 

She already booked the flight even though both of us were opposed to her going. She can't stop complaining about the price of the trip even though we didn't want her to come to begin with, and we offered her a free alternative that she shot down without even giving it a second of thought. She's currently in the process of trying to convince me and my gf to stay in the room that I had already booked. So my answer is no. If she's in the room with us, she's just going to be starting more drama that will put the nail in the coffin for this trip.

 

So my question to you all is... What can I do to salvage this trip? At this point, I don't think there's any way to talk her out of going (but maybe I'm wrong?) But I still want to propose. I saved over $3000 over the course of 3 years for our dream vacation and my dream proposal and I'm not about to let her ruin it.

[Satu]

You should have done it without talking to you gf's insane mother.

 

You didn't need any permission from her.

 

Doing what you did, has made her feel that she has power over the two of you.

 

Big mistake.

 

I can't see any way of fixing this that doesn't involve several people being upset.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Take care.

[trombean]

The reason I didn't do it that way, was because if I had just taken her, it FOR SURE would have ruined the vacation.

 

If I had just taken her on the trip without asking any kind of permission, I would have opened the gates of hell and this whole situation would have been much worse.

 

My gf is a very anxious person. She would not be able to enjoy any trip knowing that her family back home is upset at her.

[ChickiePops]

What a sucky situation..her mom sounds like a nut. I hope you two are planning to move across the country (or to another country) after you marry.

 

Your girlfriend (soon to be fiancee) is a grown woman. Tell her to just pack her bags and go. It's just as much her fault as it is her mom's fault at this point..chick needs to grow up and stop worrying about what mommy thinks. I bet once she has that ring on her finger, she'll forget all about mommy being mad at her.

 

Also the nanny cam thing is super creepy..maybe don't suggest that again. Like ever.

 

Good luck with the proposal..I hope she says yes!

[GorillaTheater]

I'll be That Guy: you sure you can handle having this woman for a mother-in-law? Are you planning to live a LOOONG ways away from her?

 

 

In-laws can be a major pain in the ass, especially if they're crazy. If this woman is going to be in your hair on any kind of frequent basis, I would honestly rethink marriage with her daughter, wonderful as she may be.

[Satu]

The reason I didn't do it that way, was because if I had just taken her, it FOR SURE would have ruined the vacation.

 

If I had just taken her on the trip without asking any kind of permission, I would have opened the gates of hell and this whole situation would have been much worse.

 

My gf is a very anxious person. She would not be able to enjoy any trip knowing that her family back home is upset at her.

In that case, your gf's insane mother DOES have power over you.

 

She can veto anything to do with her daughter.

 

That's very bad.

 

 

Take care.

[ChickiePops]

I'll be That Guy: you sure you can handle having this woman for a mother-in-law? Are you planning to live a LOOONG ways away from her?

 

 

In-laws can be a major pain in the ass, especially if they're crazy. If this woman is going to be in your hair on any kind of frequent basis, I would honestly rethink marriage with her daughter, wonderful as she may be.

 

I teetered on the brink of saying this as well..don't feel bad.

 

OP, why won't your girlfriend stand up to her mother?

[RecentChange]

I agree with Gorilla, I have a crazy mother in law, but at least she treats her adult son as an adult!

 

25 and can't do anything without mommy's permission!?

 

Gees Louise.

 

So when is she going to move away from home? After the marriage?

 

I would expect the mothers reaction if the girl was 15, not 25.

[Blanco]

Is your girlfriend close with her mom? That the mom still thinks she's got this sort of clout over her adult daughter's life means that either she does or your girlfriend probably hasn't made it clear to her mom that she doesn't.

 

I'll be honest: This would be a potential deal-breaker for me. Can you imagine what this woman will be like when it's time to plan your wedding? Or when you two are looking for a house? Or when you have kids?

 

Don't underestimate how poisonous a batty parent can be to a marriage.

[Blanco]

I went back and read some of your threads, so I need to ask: The threads you made in late 2012 and early 2013; they're about your current girlfriend, right?

 

If so, I've gotta drop my somewhat unsolicited opinion: This girl's family sounds batpoopoo crazy.

 

Am I seeing this correctly that you weren't allowed to be "alone" with her when she was 20? That her mom thought someone sending a text that said, "I love you" is something a "serial killer would do"?

 

I can't tell you not to marry this girl, but I get the sense that her family lords over her despite her being a full-fledged adult. Or at least, she's supposed to be. After reading your OP and some of your other threads, is it safe to assume that she still lives at home at 25 not so much for economical reasons, but because her mom doesn't want her to live on her own?

 

Flesh out some details here, man. No judgment here. I just think you really need to be rational about this and I don't think you're necessarily in a frame of mind to be. Again, I think you're underestimating how much of a strain her family will be on your relationship.

[trombean]

I teetered on the brink of saying this as well..don't feel bad.

 

OP, why won't your girlfriend stand up to her mother?

 

I think she's been very mentally abused all throughout her life, but she's getting better.

 

When I first met her, she was frustrated because her mom was forcing her to major in nursing even though she didn't want to. I tried as hard as I could to convince her to not listen to her and do whatever she wants, but she was so horribly afraid of her that it was just completely out of the question. She would have never spoken a word against her mom back then.

 

Now, she'll fight back occasionally, but the most often reason why she doesn't is because nothing is really worth the headache that this lady causes. You can give her whatever facts and logical reasoning you want, but she won't listen to a word of it and she'll just be on the floor crying hysterically "Why are you doing this to me!". Then the situation will be dragged out for months because she'll keep bringing it up over and over and over again and making life hell until she finally gets her way.

 

She's kinda become a little bit of a timid person because she grew up in a household where she was always wrong, stupid and naive. However, over the past few years, I've seen enormous growth in her and she's telling me that as soon as this trip is over with, she's moving out. Even though the act of moving out will open the gates of hell also, she's just tired of living this way.

[RecentChange]

Honestly, I would recommend proposing AFTER she moves out of the house and stands on her own two feet.

 

She doesn't know what its like to be an adult. She doesn't know what it is like to not live under the roof of a parents authority.

 

This is going to be a big, HUGE change for her. It will change HER.

 

Why don't you get to know that person - the adult version of your girlfriend before you propose to be with her for eternity?

[trombean]

I went back and read some of your threads, so I need to ask: The threads you made in late 2012 and early 2013; they're about your current girlfriend, right?

 

If so, I've gotta drop my somewhat unsolicited opinion: This girl's family sounds batpoopoo crazy.

 

Am I seeing this correctly that you weren't allowed to be "alone" with her when she was 20? That her mom thought someone sending a text that said, "I love you" is something a "serial killer would do"?

 

I can't tell you not to marry this girl, but I get the sense that her family lords over her despite her being a full-fledged adult. Or at least, she's supposed to be. After reading your OP and some of your other threads, is it safe to assume that she still lives at home at 25 not so much for economical reasons, but because her mom doesn't want her to live on her own?

 

Flesh out some details here, man. No judgment here. I just think you really need to be rational about this and I don't think you're necessarily in a frame of mind to be. Again, I think you're underestimating how much of a strain her family will be on your relationship.

 

Don't worry, your opinion is not unsolicited and I do appreciate your concern.

 

It is something that I have thought long and hard about and I've talked to my gf about this before.

 

We're both tired of it. We've agreed that the only reason we're trying to remain polite and respectful is because we want our wedding to be drama-free.

 

I've talked to her and we've agreed that once this is all over, we're moving out and setting rules.

 

Thinking like a teacher, when you have a class that is misbehaving, the worst thing you can do is give them what they want for being disruptive. You set the rules and they follow them. If they don't, they don't get what they want. And of course, any class that has rules imposed on them is going to be angry at first and the behavior might get worse, but eventually when they see you're not playing around and they really don't get what they want if they behave that way, the behavior will start to change.

 

But in the end, all of this really isn't her fault (and I know you didn't say it was), but I can't just ditch her and leave her to her crazy family by herself. This is something I want to work out with her together because I love her very much.

[Blanco]

Is she ready to be alienated from the family? Because from the sounds of it, any serious pushback from her will likely lead to alienation from her family.

 

I commend you for approaching this with civility and a level-head, but the mother is neither of those things. She has already proven that she's capable of creating drama and hysteria out of nothing.

 

It's good you want to be supportive of your girlfriend, but it's not a one-man job. She should be in therapy, if she's not already. She's got a lifetime of psychological abused to unpack and work through. That's not just going to vanish if she moves out with you.

[trombean]

Is she ready to be alienated from the family? Because from the sounds of it, any serious pushback from her will likely lead to alienation from her family.

 

I commend you for approaching this with civility and a level-head, but the mother is neither of those things. She has already proven that she's capable of creating drama and hysteria out of nothing.

 

It's good you want to be supportive of your girlfriend, but it's not a one-man job. She should be in therapy, if she's not already. She's got a lifetime of psychological abused to unpack and work through. That's not just going to vanish if she moves out with you.

 

We're trying for that too. We've even gone so far as to actually get her to admit that she needs help. But the part where we're struggling is getting her to actually go. We can't make the appointment for her and we can't force her to go.

[GunslingerRoland]

You really need to start putting up some boundaries. Really you should have framed the whole situation differently.

 

 

Option A) You go on vacation with the daughter propose and get married.

 

Option B) You forget the whole thing, and don't get married and live in sin.

 

 

When you simplify the options like that it makes it an easier choice for her. I can't believe you offered her an option of watching you by nanny cam. Does she go on all of your dates too?

 

 

Also I'm hoping you aren't saying it took you 3 years to save up $3000 for the proposal. If that is the case, how are you going to afford a wedding and living with her?

[anika99]

We're trying for that too. We've even gone so far as to actually get her to admit that she needs help. But the part where we're struggling is getting her to actually go. We can't make the appointment for her and we can't force her to go.

 

Who is we and who is she? The poster meant your gf needs therapy, not her mother. Well the mother needs therapy too but she's not your problem.

 

In any case your gf has a lot of growing up to do before she will be anywhere near ready for marriage. No way is she going to come home from this trip and then just miraculously going to cut the apron strings. It's going to take time and therapy to end the enmeshment with her mother. Right now your gf is neither mature enough or emotionally healthy enough to getting married.

[Blanco]

The ironic thing about people who come from overprotective homes is that these upbringings often leave the young person deficient at protecting themselves once they're of age to be "out in the real world."

 

Your girlfriend might be 25, but because of her overbearing mother, I get the sense that she's far more naive and dependent than the average person of that age. It doesn't sound like she's been able to make critical decisions in her own life. She wasn't "allowed" to date. She had her college major chosen for her. She wasn't allowed to have a job. She has never lived outside of the parental home.

 

What I'm saying is that this girl needs to emancipate herself from her mother's iron grip. I would suspect she is presently ill-equipped to handle being an independent adult with her own home and a husband. That isn't her fault, but her top priority should be to stand on her own two feet for a while before she even thinks about being a wife.