Wife had multiple partners during seperation

[Poeplath]

Things had been rocky for a few months. I could tell she was disconnecting, again. We had gone through this 3 years ago. My gambling addiction caused her to seek out other men. We had moved past that and new year's eve was so nice. By March, I could detect some old signs. She wasn't cheating again, I think. We were arguing a lot and both of us were at fault.

 

I had quit gambling over a year earlier entirely and had hopes that things would be better for it. One night we finally had a big argument and she asked why we are still even together. We had not made love but for maybe once a month, if that (I am 35, she is 31) and it was just all around stressful. She had been going to therapy for a while by this time due to severe depression and through therapy, she decided that seperation would be in our best interests. Three days later, on my birthday, I had to go out of town for a month for work. I figured she would maybe go out and seek a sex partner but I said nothing.

 

We barely spoke while I was gone, mostly just so I could talk to my little girl. We did have one conversation by ourselves after a few weeks of me being gone in which she decided that divorce is the best option. She asked for no input from me. I suggested marriage counseling but she wasn't interested. After I came back from my month long absence, I requested that she at least wait until divorce proceedings to see other people. She replied that what she now does is none of my business and if she wants to have multiple sex partners, her and I are seperated so I had no right to make such a request.

 

At this time, she had met a guy online who she went to go meet after talking to on a nightly basis. He ended up rejecting her and I was her shoulder to cry on. She also had to have a minor surgical procedure done and I helped her out a lot and hid my anger. We became friends again and she confided that she had been with three men on various occasions. One of them she had developed feelings for before we parted ways, a co-worker. He ended up becoming violent during a sexual encounter and after 2 more times with him, she cut it off. She says that nothing physical happened until after the separation but she still put her self in a sticky situation nonetheless.

 

She now wants to have an open marriage with me but I still feel so hurt. I love her with everything, we have been together for over 8 years now and I know she loves me. She says her depression causes her to make stupid mistakes but she will not apologize for anything because again, we were seperated. No details were ever discussed about seeing other people and I feel like she was just waiting for an opportunity to sleep around.

 

We are still married and she is much more open about how she is feeling as am I. Am I wrong to have doubts?

Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PegNosePete]

She wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to have you as a shoulder to cry on, Mr. Reliable waiting at home to support her, emotionally and financially. You are simply her crutch, having no intimacy with her, whilst she is out banging other guys.

 

Are you happy with that arrangement?

 

I certainly wouldn't be. I would sit her down, and tell her that she has 2 minutes to decide whether she wants be a PROPER wife or an EX wife.

 

Of course she will most likely not make a decision, she will rant and rave and cry and accuse you of being unfair. But you must stay strong and tell her that if she doesn't commit to being a PROPER wife then you will be filing for divorce tomorrow.

[Mr. Lucky]

She now wants to have an open marriage with me but I still feel so hurt. I love her with everything, we have been together for over 8 years now and I know she loves me.

 

She's got an interesting way of proving it .

 

Poeplath, you're only in charge of and responsible for you. You don't get to control her actions, just your reactions to them.

 

So, having seen what she's done and now offering you, what's your response? As PNP said, not the life I'd choose but to each his own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

What she is likely really saying is "I want you to accept my behavior, continue to comfort and support me while I sleep around"

 

Don't believe me? Turn the tables, tell her you've met someone and its moving really fast and you have an amazing connection with this new woman. Then you will see her true intents.

 

Secondly, she was 100% involved In a full blown affair likely starting around the time you noticed the changes. If she can't be honest then agreeing with her new parameters is foolish.

[sandylee1]

I agree with all the replies.

 

What exactly is in this arrangement for you?

 

You have the responsibility of a wife who gets to sleep around. Why would you even consider that. You should feel insulted. She'll come home from her multiple lovers having all kinds of sex while you're at home and you won't even get a look in.

 

Just go full steam ahead and get divorced. She clearly has no respect for you.

[Shanex]

If that's love, then what's hate.

 

She's self-centered and if she wants multiple partners which seem pretty easy for her to find, get the divorce, there's no reason for this soap opera to continue. You deserve better than that.

 

Depression is not an excuse to sleep around when you're married. If you're unhappily married, just divorce.

Edited June 11, 2016 by Shanex

[elaine567]

Some thoughts.

One, she most likely has lost respect for you due to your gambling addiction, being the partner of an addict is hard going. Deep down she feels she needs out, but is having a difficult time processing that, so you are both in limbo, with her actively seeking other men, but relying on you for emotional support, when it doesn't go that well.

She is really searching for a husband replacement. Once she finds one she will be gone.

 

Or two, essentially she doesn't believe in monogamy, and forcing herself to stick with her marriage was part of the reason she was depressed. She needs other men to feel validated, she likes the chase, she likes the sexual variety and she is never going to be a one man woman as that is not who she is.

 

May be it is a mixture of the two.

 

The problem for you is not really what is "wrong" with her, it is about how are you going to cope with an open marriage if that is NOT what you want.

In spite of the "love", this is making you miserable, and that is no way to live.

Open marriages can work well for those who are both totally on board.

This one sided open arrangement being "forced" on an unwilling partner in order to keep the marriage intact, rarely works.

It works for the one who suggested it, but for the other who was happy with monogamy, it is often only a cause of sadness and ultimately resentment.

I suggest you do not sacrifice yourself at your wife's altar.

[Satu]

This relationship is neither alive nor dead. It's undead.

 

You and your wife need to either fix it, or permanently end it.

 

Fixing it looks close to impossible.

 

Ending it might be the more realistic option.

 

 

Take care.

[longjohn]

Things had been rocky for a few months. I could tell she was disconnecting, again. We had gone through this 3 years ago. My gambling addiction caused her to seek out other men. We had moved past that and new year's eve was so nice. By March, I could detect some old signs. She wasn't cheating again, I think. We were arguing a lot and both of us were at fault.

 

I had quit gambling over a year earlier entirely and had hopes that things would be better for it. One night we finally had a big argument and she asked why we are still even together. We had not made love but for maybe once a month, if that (I am 35, she is 31) and it was just all around stressful. She had been going to therapy for a while by this time due to severe depression and through therapy, she decided that seperation would be in our best interests. Three days later, on my birthday, I had to go out of town for a month for work. I figured she would maybe go out and seek a sex partner but I said nothing.

 

We barely spoke while I was gone, mostly just so I could talk to my little girl. We did have one conversation by ourselves after a few weeks of me being gone in which she decided that divorce is the best option. She asked for no input from me. I suggested marriage counseling but she wasn't interested. After I came back from my month long absence, I requested that she at least wait until divorce proceedings to see other people. She replied that what she now does is none of my business and if she wants to have multiple sex partners, her and I are seperated so I had no right to make such a request.

 

At this time, she had met a guy online who she went to go meet after talking to on a nightly basis. He ended up rejecting her and I was her shoulder to cry on. She also had to have a minor surgical procedure done and I helped her out a lot and hid my anger. We became friends again and she confided that she had been with three men on various occasions. One of them she had developed feelings for before we parted ways, a co-worker. He ended up becoming violent during a sexual encounter and after 2 more times with him, she cut it off. She says that nothing physical happened until after the separation but she still put her self in a sticky situation nonetheless.

 

She now wants to have an open marriage with me but I still feel so hurt. I love her with everything, we have been together for over 8 years now and I know she loves me. She says her depression causes her to make stupid mistakes but she will not apologize for anything because again, we were seperated. No details were ever discussed about seeing other people and I feel like she was just waiting for an opportunity to sleep around.

 

We are still married and she is much more open about how she is feeling as am I. Am I wrong to have doubts?

 

So your wife is out banging other men because of your gambling.. that's incorrect she's out banging other guys because she wants to. Shifting the blame on to you allows her to make you guilty for what she's done. Therefore allowing her to keep doing it knowing full well you'll be there with open arms and cheque book. She can't have it both ways.

 

My advise break out of the prison she's put you in and leave her. Document the fact she's been banging other guys and maybe she'll only keep your car vs your house, car and retirement.

[eliteco3]

My advice would be to move on from this one. You are letting her have all the control and power by being emotional. Tell her to choose to be loyal or go your separate ways and find a woman who can be honest and faithful. There are so many women out there. Why waste your time with someone who treats you that way.

[JAbba2gEther]

Hi Poeplath

 

There are some really strong challenges that both you and your wife are facing at the moment:

1) You are one year sober from gambling

2) Your wife suffers severe depression

3) Your wife has sought after intimacy with other men

4) Communication is currently difficult

5) 'Open marriage' is now being discussed as a solution

6) There are evident trust issues for both parties

7) Personal safety of your wife is an issue for you as she has been physically abused

8) Arguments have spurred some unexpected results

 

I would like to share my experience. My closest uncle growing up was an alcoholic. My father had a mental illness. I grew up resolving issues there. I developed an interest in helping people with addictions, and have supported friends with gambling addictions, mental illness, alcohol and drug issues; and sexual addictions gain recovery by attending twelve step groups with them over the years. I also did considerable research of symptoms and treatments based on the twelve step program during these times.

 

I want to congratulate you, then, on being sober for twelve months. That is an achievement in itself. Did you go to a GA meeting, by chance, and are you attending regular meetings to continue your recovery? Have you a sponsor to guide you through the twelve steps, and to talk to about the issues you are facing now? The difficulties you face may even require a counsellor that you attend with and/or without your wife.

 

There are many issues that come from an addiction. For families and self, this includes issues of trust. When gambling, you may have overspent the family budget, spent large amounts of time making excuses to go to the gambling areas, missed large amounts of time from work, found yourself lying to your wife about where you were going, becoming angry and defensive when questioned at any time and so forth. It takes times for recovery to occur, not only for the addict but also the family.

 

Regarding your wife, often persons suffering from an addiction will marry someone who has a dysfunctional life themselves, or suffering in some other way themselves. Has your wife always had depression since before you married? Was she always the leader of the family needing to 'parent' you, look after the bills, perhaps work to make up the income lost through gambling; and was she required to make excuses to parents and family whenever you missed important family events (if you did) because of the compulsion created by gambling?

 

It would appear that she has been the person with the most control in this relationship. I would suggest this may have been perhaps you had relinquished control when your gambling became problematic? Trust takes time, and different roles, taken up by other family members whenever an addict relinquishes his role in the family, may need to be re-negotiated again. Amends takes time for both parties - you who suffered from the gambling illness and your wife who suffers the psychological pain of depression and now the guilt of knowing she has made wrong choices that led to betrayal and even physical violence against her.

 

Arguing constructively is another skill both will have to learn. To really be present when the other person is talking is a challenge. Learning the art of listening, paraphrasing, being non-judgemental and empathy are learned responses that you and your wife can be coached in if there is a will to be. The need for both of you to engage in open communication will be important and, as trust is re-developed, sexual intimacy may get a little easier. This also means that you should learn to express your feelings and your wants instead of allowing your wife to make decisions. Establishing boundaries that both are comfortable with, and learning to understand what you are both going through.

 

The twelve steps program underlines the necessity to surrender to a Higher Power. Has this been achieved in your case? Have you gone through to step four that causes you to make a fearless inventory of yourself so that you understand how healing can take place in your own life? Because you will be in a better position to bring healing to your own wife's situation and understand her depression if you have done so. Having a sponsor will help you communicate what may have been hidden for many years, as well as when you attend a support group. You could even attend a 'family and friends' support group yourself to help you with your wife's infidelity, as well as encouraging her to attend a GROW group, which helps people who suffer from a mental illness, anxiety, or depression.

 

I will end here by saying that marriage is always a struggle. It is not the fairly tale that is portrayed in Hollywood romance films. It requires commitment and hard work. However, closeness, trust and emotional intimacy develops as both partners strive to go the distance and seek help when required. I cannot guarantee that it will be a bed of roses for you, but while there is a will, the old saying goes, there is a way.

 

Many twelve steps program ends with a serenity prayer that goes like this:

 

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..."

 

May this ring true in your situation.

Edited June 17, 2016 by JAbba2gEther