StrandedWithOne Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 So I have this female 'friend'... I've known her for 5 years and we were not talking much then, mostly because I was in love with someone else, but last September when I was not 'taken' anymore, I began having feelings for her. I had reasons to suspect she may be feeling the same way, so it was relatively easy for me to muster up a courage to talk about 'us', and it happened at the end of October. To my surprise she requested that we stay just friends but we continued to get closer and closer anyways (although I've tried to get together with someone else until March). Now since March we got super-close, we can talk about very private stuff, I attend every concert she gives in my area, we text almost every day... mostly usual friendly stuff - how her day was, etc. but the are sometimes sweet/funny things etc. But she has a boyfriend in the other city, and she will be moving to this city permamently soon after she gets her bachelor's degree, so probably they are serious... So my idea for now is to have less and less contact with her until she leaves (probably 2 months, if not earlier), and then we will only have a conversation if she starts it - that's a rule I plan to suggest to her when the time comes... Would this be rude or inaproppiate? After all, she used to doubt it's only friendship at my side a few times, and every time I told her we are only friends. But the things continued to that amazing closeness we now have anyways! And if she didn't wanted it, it would not happen... I think I am not in love with her but if I am not in love with her, then why I get sick just thinking about the time when she will be in another city, away, and spending time with her boyfriend, etc.? Is finding someone other to be with is the only way I can get through the coming months and the time she will be away? Sorry for the length... Any advice would be very nice... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 She has made it pretty clear that you are just friends. She has a boyfriend. If you can handle that then go ahead and continue the friendship. If you can't then it would be better to break off contact, just tell her that you have feelings for her and it is painful for you to be in contact and you can't be "just friends" any longer. No, being with someone else is not the "only way". In fact that is a terrible way. It's not fair to use someone else to get over her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 But she has a boyfriend in the other city, and she will be moving to this city permamently soon after she gets her bachelor's degree, so probably they are serious... They are serious and she is enjoying your attention but not interested. Go lick you wounds then when you are ready go find someone who is single. For what its worth Guys tend to get pretty angry when you try to pinch their gals... Don't do it and in the future do not get so attached to women who are in relationships. The only person that ends up hurt is you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 If you can handle that then go ahead and continue the friendship. So do you think that what we have can be properly called just friendship? If so, thanks for such a clarification, because - as I already indicated - I am not sure how to call our present situation and how to behave in this context; I am confused. If you can't then it would be better to break off contact, just tell her that you have feelings for her and it is painful for you to be in contact and you can't be "just friends" any longer. For that it's already too late - my feelings were laid out openly before her in October and since their rejection I try to hide them, so she thinks it's only friendship at my side (because that's what she wishes things between us to be). Besides, I think I can handle to have her talking to me via texting only once in a week, as I expect it to be when she leaves. And in fact, I will suggest limiting our conversations to ones started solely by her already this Sunday (when we will meet), because she is busy now and that's, I think, perfect time to introduce this way of contact, which will we prolong for as long as she will be with her bf. And there is - in my opinion - no need to mention my feelings as a reason for all this - easier to say "you are busy, I will not want to disturb your work and life by text in a wrong time - when you are free to talk to me, we can talk, of course, but only then". Link to post Share on other sites
tndawg Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Close friends are so special. Sometimes those close friends develop into more. You obviously are able to tell her just about anything. Being honest and truthful with a close friend is part of the friendship. Prepare for either response from her and then let her know how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 let her know how you feel. I did it in October (as you can read in my first post) and I'm not willing to repeat this kind of embarrassement for the second time, especially considering that now she would likely be harsher with me (because she asked several times since, and I always tried to convince her it's only friendship at my side...) There is no way I would want to end our close friendship that way... When she will be leaving our city for good I will give her a nice small gift to decorate her room at her new place, and that's the way I want to have our last meeting to go, not with deep conversation that would only upset both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 They are serious and she is enjoying your attention but not interested. This ^^... She isn't getting close to you or anything. Time to forget her already. But still, IMO, her LDR is a joke. They won't last either. But who cares, let her go and run to him and play the fool - that's what she gets for trying to have her cake and eat it too (the LDR guy sitting and waiting for her while she hangs out with other guys). I bet ya $5.00 that her LDR bf is probably hanging with other chicks too, cuz LDRs are hard to do when you're not in the same zip code, after a while people start looking for someone closer to hang with - even if it's a fling. But still then, if you're capable of splitting your time, emotions, and/or sex with someone other than your LDR (even if it's temporary), then you shouldn't have been in that LDR in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 This ^^... She isn't getting close to you or anything. Talking about private stuff isn't being close? Not that I want to argue with you, because the rest of your post is amazingly right, but this is the one line I have a problem with... As an update I can say, that we are now in 'low' phase of our mutual understanding anyways, as we had already several times. But sometimes it takes one my sweet line to launch the better time anew... Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Talking about private stuff isn't being close? Not that I want to argue with you, because the rest of your post is amazingly right, but this is the one line I have a problem with... As an update I can say, that we are now in 'low' phase of our mutual understanding anyways, as we had already several times. But sometimes it takes one my sweet line to launch the better time anew... Women also talk about private stuff with their bffs. Check out Carrie and Stanford on Sex and the City. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 12, 2016 Author Share Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) Quick update: today I kept my planned lack of contact with her, and I survived this situation a lot better than in case of earlier such occasions. I have no idea what the next day will bring in this area, if she will be the one to write first, what our level of understanding will be, etc. But I feel like I am on the right track now - even seeing her new (very nice) photo/outfit failed to stir up rush of emotions in me like sometimes was the case earlier. So I am sure that in case of our next face-to-face talk I would be able to make even more out of our each minute together and that I will be even more able to make her believe that it's only friendship at my side... And yes, I know it sounds sick... but people's love life can be surprising Edited June 12, 2016 by StrandedWithOne Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 Important update: after nearly 4 days of total no-contact from my side she contacted me on facebook (so less private than by phone, but maybe I am overthinking!) and asked if everything is well... I was thinking for maybe 30 minutes what to write, but at the end of it I wrote that I am not quite well, becasuse of a difficult professional issue (which is true). She wished me well and when I answered with just one word, with no emoticons (simple "thanks.") she was somewhat surprised - she asked if I was in bad mood and I didn't answer that question and I don't plan on answering it at all. What do you think I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Update: today I got the idea how to respond to her yesterday's line about my mood... I just decided to write "can't we talk about more practical things? " and then I asked her several things about her next few weeks - knowing them will help me to adjust psychologically and to plan fading-out my side of contact and how and when to tell her about it. Do you think that my idea was right? Edited June 16, 2016 by StrandedWithOne Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Another update: She saw my message but did not reply yet. I will edit as soon as I know her response Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 18, 2016 Author Share Posted June 18, 2016 OK so she did not respond for 3 days, but eventually when I gave her another similar question she responded lazily, that she will finish her work in Monday and then she will have a whole week of exams to get to her next school, where her boyfriend lives. She agreed to my no-contact for this week under excuse from me that she will be busy. I am devastated inside but I will have to think how to talk to her after that week, how to tell her that from then on we should talk only when she starts the conversation (I will try to make her believe it's not about her boyfriend being in the picture, of course). Link to post Share on other sites
slovek Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Hi, I know you really like her, even if you not sure if it's love. But she's taken, she also rejected you. Sorry, I think you are hoping for something to happen but it's not right. She may be a really nice girl, but she has a boyfriend. I don't support relationship that are like this, I'm sorry. I feel when someone's taken, we should respect them as a couple. But that's just my moral. She may end up leaving her boyfriend for you, I don't know. If you really like her, you will keep trying to win her heart. But you know the saying, there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Sorry I'm honest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 (edited) And this is why being a text buddy with an agenda is the worst possible thing to do with women. You're giving her everything she wants, while she's not giving you anything at all. And here you are like a good puppy, making plans to try and manipulate her into missing you. You're wasting your time with a woman who like to play games with men. I wonder what her "boyfriend" would think about you and her exchanging private and personal information... Edited June 18, 2016 by Alamo657 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 If you're not in love with her and you seem pretty clear on that, then it's just you being selfish about someone else playing with your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 And this is why being a text buddy with an agenda is the worst possible thing to do with women. You're giving her everything she wants, while she's not giving you anything at all. And here you are like a good puppy, making plans to try and manipulate her into missing you. I don't think I am manipulating her into anything, I think I am just creating good enviroment for her feelings to resurface, if there are/will be any under the surface of the whole situation. I mean, who knows how strong her relationship with her current boyfriend is, if she isn't carrying on with her previous plans becauase she is ashamed/afraid to broke up with him now, and be without any friends in new place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 If you're not in love with her and you seem pretty clear on that It's not that I am so sure about it. I am just hoping that I am not in love, because aknowledging another failure in love matters would be too painful to cope with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Third day of new, now official, no-contact from my side, and with silence (so far) from her side is extremely hard, harder than any other previous time of NC with her. I don't know why... Last weeks weren't great between us - the perspective of her leaving to live in the same city as her boyfriend weighted on my side of things enormously, every day I think of it I feel shattered, I feel like she is already gone in a sense, like I am losing her with each second of this silence. But at the same time when I accidentally see her logged in on facebook at the same time as me, I feel a bit scared that she will break the half-comfortable silence with some weird question, or that she will became suspicious of my most-inner motives for the whole no-contact thing... And even if she asked me how my day was, I would not know, because all that matters for me in last days is the fact that she is leaving and that she is still with her boyfriend... And I really don't know what to do with myself. Any thoughts on my current situation? Edited June 21, 2016 by StrandedWithOne Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 Another update: When I woke up at night, sad thoughts about our situation flooded my mind immediately. Later on the day seems to become more bearable, because I have an interesting work to do today. But when I was logged on facebook and saw her log in I logged out immediately. I wonder if she saw that and what she thought about it... But she is yet to write me anything. It's fourth day without any contact with her, and it's really hard when I think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Another update: When I woke up at night, sad thoughts about our situation flooded my mind immediately. Later on the day seems to become more bearable, because I have an interesting work to do today. But when I was logged on facebook and saw her log in I logged out immediately. I wonder if she saw that and what she thought about it... But she is yet to write me anything. It's fourth day without any contact with her, and it's really hard when I think about it. If you want to understand the nature of your crush, look up the word "limerence." It's not that you have failed in love, it's that at a vulnerable time in your life, you let yourself develop feelings for someone despite the fact they were not reciprocated. Nothing worse than unrequited love. Dude, let her go. Be grateful she's not leading you on and letting you have your space. Take it, run with it. Take a social media holiday and delete your FB account and start your summer off right. Link to post Share on other sites
Lex30 Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Tough situation for your emotions; I was in a very similar situation with a close best friend. To make a long story short, I had a failed relationship, been single for a few months, and started to develop feelings for my female BFF. She has a boyfriend and on top of it we've just have this brother/sister platonic thing for years. Didn't want to lose her as my BFF. I was able to free myself from this situation mostly by lessening my contact with her (but not completely) and actively getting back into meeting and dating woman. The dating really is what got me out of my feelings for my BFF. I have met someone I really click with. have fallen in love with and we've been dating for a month now. Everything is back to normal with my BFF. You can always keep the door open for her by chance if things don't work out for her and her BF, as you have a connection on some level with her. Like another person posted, if you can handle it, keep your contact with her knowing its just friends. But considering where things are at, you have to work on yourself a little and starting dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) She has a boyfriend and on top of it we've just have this brother/sister platonic thing for years. Didn't want to lose her as my BFF. Our situation is a bit different, because we were basically strangers (just saying hi and usuall stuff when studying the same things) but when I initiated a friendship, she let me. She allowed me to get to know her from basically being strangers to sharing very private stuff. This kept me hoping that maybe she is feeling the same way I feel about her, deep down. I was able to free myself from this situation mostly by lessening my contact with her (but not completely) and actively getting back into meeting and dating woman. If you allow, I will ask you: how your contact with her was at this time? Were you confident that total no-contact would not serve you better? Just curious about your insight. Edited June 24, 2016 by StrandedWithOne Link to post Share on other sites
Author StrandedWithOne Posted June 26, 2016 Author Share Posted June 26, 2016 Small update: I made it... One week of no-contact from my side (and sadly from hers too -she was online several times that week and yet never bothered to write even a single line like 'hi, how your day goes?' to me!). It feelt like it was a month; I guess I survived mostly thanks to being busy in work-realted things... I expect her to write an udpate on how her exams went the next day, so in reality it will be 8 days of silence between us... but I am already wondering what to write to her when she is back to talking with me.. I mean I know I should prepare her that the rest of our contact should be only initiated by her, but I don't know how to begin even talking about it to her; I even don't know if I will have strong enough will to suggest... So I guess I can say I am at loss now... Link to post Share on other sites
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