Unwanted social media views

[wmacbride]

I recently had an experience that was somewhat annoying.

 

I use a couple of social media platforms for work, one of which I don't tend to check all that often. I maybe use it once a week.

 

When I logged into it yesterday, guess who's name popped up as someone who has viewed my profile? ( I'll give you three and the first two don't count).

 

My husband's ex-ow.

 

It's been almost ten years, legal action a lot of irritation and she still won't go away. My husband had been in the field with his unit for the month and when he got home, I told him what had happened.

 

As per the recommendation of our legal advisor, we went to the police and also to my H's COC, as she is not allowed to have any sort of contact with either of us. My H was actually ore upset about it than I was. He was the one who wanted to call the police and his COC, and we have to go and see them together over the next few days.

 

We're going to let them to handle the situation. I'm not getting on the merry go round of crap with her again.

 

I had set up that particular account, and I never thought I needed to block her from viewing it, as it's been years since the A and I thought she had finally moved on. I was going to delete the account, by my H is saying I shouldn't have to do that, as I use it for work and I shouldn't have to adjust my behavior anymore. I blocked her name, but it does give me the heebie jeebies to think she's still out there and would even bother to look.

 

I am probably getting annoyed over nothing, as there hasn't been any other sort of contact, and I don't share contact information. It's more that she would even bother after all this time. My H keeps apologizing, but it's really not his fault. Yes, it's his fault that she even got into our lives in the first place, but if she can't keep a lid on herself, that's on her. If she is still doing this after nearly ten years she's the one with the problem.

 

Now I know some will be thinking that he's been in contact with her, but I can assure you he hasn't. He's been out in the woods in the middle of nowhere on exercise, and cell phones were most definitely not allowed. Before he left, we had to do a family contact plan in case anything happens, and that was one of the things mentioned. The only way to reach him was to call his CO and have it go up and down the COC.

 

I've tried being kind to her, I've tried being understanding. That didn't work. My H and I have used the legal system to get her to leave me alone.

 

I don't want to see her hurt. Ideally, she would simply have stayed away and lived her life. I was quite happy knowing nothing about her and her life, and I assumed she had moved on to be a thorn in some other wife's side.

 

What I do want is for her to smarten up, get a friggin' life and get some heavy duty therapy. Their whole A lasted only a few weeks, and I know she'd been in serval afterwards. This wasn't some great, star crossed love affair, and after it ended, it wasn't even h she was obsessed with. It was me and our kids.

 

If she's got some sort of mental health issue, I feel bad for her and would not wish that on anyone. That being said, she's got no business visiting her crap on my head.

 

When my husband and I were in post-A counseling together, our therapist was helping us sort out a plan to deal with her continues harassment of me. As she put it, she likely has some issues, and rather than face that she is the one with the problems, and in her mind, she likely saw me as threatening to her sense of self. When our M didn't end and I wouldn't let her walk all over me, it was a blow to her ego. By lashing out at me, she was attacking the person she saw as a threat.

 

Oh well, I guess it just goes to show that you can never tell what sort of crazy behavior you are inviting into your life, and that of your bs when you have an A.

 

I'm hoping this recent "snooping" was just a one off, she'll have seen our M didn't end and I didn't just crawl away somewhere a broken person. With any luck, she'll move on.

[Alamo657]

My opinion is that you overreacted. And the tempest you are provoking is not worth social (read : public information about you) media snooping.

[merrmeade]

I'm glad your husband "was actually more upset about it." I would think that would've made a big difference in how it affected you and your trust in him. She's a mental case/stalker and not someone to ignore. I don't think you overreacted at all.

[Sub]

We had the same thing happen a while back. OM was viewing both of our LinkedIn pages. A word in your first sentence summed it up: annoying. My W let me know about it upfront, so the honesty was good. And It was a little different for me in that I actually existed to this guy. Also had a chuckle because he's an IT guy, but apparently didn't realize you can change your settings to view people's profiles anonymously. Can't see why he or the OW in your case would want the BS to know they're checking them out.

[wmacbride]

My opinion is that you overreacted. And the tempest you are provoking is not worth social (read : public information about you) media snooping.

 

I can understand how you would think that, but there is a lot more going on, or at least there used to be.

 

After the A ended, she started emailing and calling me many times every day. At first, I replied that he emails, telling her that I didn't blame her for the affair I wasn't angry and I hoped she could move on and have a happy life.

 

Then she started sending nasty emails and leaving rude voice mails that were full of vulgar language and verbal abuse aimed at me for "ruining her life'. She started threatening to harm or even kill herself and told me if she did, it would be may fault. At first, that scared me, as I didn't want her to do that. After a while, I realized she was just blowing hot air.

 

She would drive by my house, park across the street and just stare at our house and at our kids out in the yard. She'd call and hang up and even came to the door a few times, but I wouldn't answer. Sometimes, if I was out for a walk with my small children, she would follow us slowly in her car.

 

A few times she approached me and our children when we were out at the store. one time, and aksed them how they liked their daddy being away and if they were worried about him. They were very small, and this upset them a lot to the point that they cried. To bring some context to that, there had been a number of casualties a few days beforehand and it had been discussed i their school. After that, if I saw her coming, we'd go the other way.

 

She was blocked on all my private email and social media, but she kept sending me messages through the email I use for work, and so I changed it. It's associated with a website, so all she needed to do was look up the business name online, change her email address and start all over again.

 

This was going on for months.

 

 

My husband was deployed during all of this, and he was at a FOB where I couldn't have much contact with him. He had to leave just a few days after the A ended.

 

She even tried to tell him anonymously that I was cheating on him, but used their work email to do so, which made it really easy to figure out where it came from.

 

When eh got back and found out what had been happening,he was really ticked off. He and I went to his COC to report it. He did get into hot water, as they work together and A's in the military as not well received, but said it was worth it in order to have her leave me and our children alone. She was also dragged over the coals, and we hoped that would put an end to her behavior.

 

It didn't. The calls, emails, following, etc. kept up, and she even followed our children a few times as they were walking to school. She never said anything, but they recognized her and her car.

 

Both the military and civilian law enforcement got involved, as it was escalating and becoming more and more threatening. We took legal actions, and she was posted away from the base we were living on. I don't know whether or not she got therapy or mental health help, which is what I was hoping for. I didn't want her to be arrested or anything like that I just wnated her to get some help. She was also ordered to not have any contact with me, my H or our children, and we were told that if she did, it needed to be reported.

 

I hadn't, as far as I know, had any sort of contact for her at all after that, so this was quite unnerving. Now that it's been reported, the military/ civilian legal system can handle it and determine what measures, if any to take.

 

In some ways, I really feel sorry for her. To be stuck in this sort of pattern sounds really hard, and she strikes me as someone who is really sad and angry at the world. I often wonder who hurt her so much that she got that way, I highly doubt it really me, per se, that she is angry with.

 

I'm guessing that she may have been in a relationship that recently broke up, and she's going back to old patterns. Hopefully she meet someone new and maybe find some happiness in her life.

[wmacbride]

We had the same thing happen a while back. OM was viewing both of our LinkedIn pages. A word in your first sentence summed it up: annoying. My W let me know about it upfront, so the honesty was good. And It was a little different for me in that I actually existed to this guy. Also had a chuckle because he's an IT guy, but apparently didn't realize you can change your settings to view people's profiles anonymously. Can't see why he or the OW in your case would want the BS to know they're checking them out.

 

That's the thing with her.

She did want me to know.

 

She wants to upset me. I admit it is annoying and somewhat unnerving, but it's been passed along to others to deal with. My hope is that the military system will insist that she gets some mental health care and maybe it will help both us and her.

If she does have mental health issues, she needs help to sort them out.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I hear you on this one. I had a little of that going on a few years back when it was all still fresh, and I overreacted.

 

These days, I say " Look all you want OM. You've been forgotten. We're back to happy, and things are going great. That whole regrettable experience has made us grow closer, and communicate better, and in ways your relationships will never experience. At best, you got a glimpse into how good it is to be me. "

[ladydesigner]

It's been 10 years THAT is really sad for HER.

 

I'm sorry wmacbride it is a definite shock to see these things. I am wondering if she even knows that her viewing your social media is not anonymous.

 

I hope this didn't cause you to trigger too bad, those are the worst

[Lobe]

I got nothing to say, because this is the nightmare I am afraid I'm going to have to live. I'll offer hugs instead, and put a call out to the capital U "Universe" that it gets nipped in the bud immediately.

[wmacbride]

It's been 10 years THAT is really sad for HER.

 

I'm sorry wmacbride it is a definite shock to see these things. I am wondering if she even knows that her viewing your social media is not anonymous.

 

I hope this didn't cause you to trigger too bad, those are the worst

 

 

my husband was really great about it, so the triggering was very slight.

[wmacbride]

I got nothing to say, because this is the nightmare I am afraid I'm going to have to live. I'll offer hugs instead, and put a call out to the capital U "Universe" that it gets nipped in the bud immediately.

 

 

It really blows, and I wish I had nipped it in the bud rather than be reeled in by her attempts to make me feel pity for her.

At first, she was very contrite, and even asked if we could be "friends" and I could talk with her about any marriage problems we might be having.

 

I should have recognized right there that something odd was going on in he mind.

 

I'm not saying that she has borderline personality disorder, as I don't know that she does. Her behavior did seem to match up with some of its symptoms. The one consistent piece fo advice I found when I looked into it was that if you are dealing with someone who exhibits these behaviors, its best to not engage them and, if at all possible, ignore them.

 

Mind you, from what I read about the disorder, if she does have it, i feel bad for her as it sounds like it is often the result of abuse when a boy or girl was young.

[Lobe]

At first, she was very contrite, and even asked if we could be "friends" and I could talk with her about any marriage problems we might be having. I should have recognized right there that something odd was going on in he mind.

 

Oh my. I think we have the same OW, except the contrite part. That would have been nice. Maybe. NO, I'm lying. NC NC NC for me too please lol

 

How long did it go on for before it escalated to bringing in outside measures? Was there an NC letter first?

 

I know my WH's xOW stalks me online, and I'm between a rock and a hard place - my career requires an online presence. Big time. So disappearing ins't an option. Like you, I don't wish her any harm, I just wish she'd go away. I agree that she totally wants you to know. I think our respective xOW's in some twisted logic feel like by haunting us they still might manage to disrupt or destroy our marriages, not realizing that their weirdness in fact gives us yet another reason to put up a united front and fight for what we've managed to rebuild.

 

I haven't managed to "diagnose" the xOW with borderline or Asperger's or something, so I am just assuming she is very very hurt. Again, like you, it's my hope she finds someone who loves her for her and they live happily ever after. In a cone of silence. Far far away from my family...

 

Today is the anniversary of WH and xOW's first kiss and since she spent last year sending *me* notes about it, I'm on edge today, waiting to see if it starts up again. The one that picks my ass the worst isn't the first time they kissed or had sex, but the first time he told her he loved her.

[ChickiePops]

Hey wmacbride. I'm so sorry you're going through this..I know how you feel. The OW in my case stalked me as well. Had me followed by a private investigator..had my boyfriend (not husband)'s texts forwarded to her phone (she's a tech genius) so she could see what we talked about..threatened me..the whole shebang. She even dyed and grew out her hair so it was the same as mine..suuuuuper creepy stuff. She continued after he and I broke up and eventually spent a few days in jail. This was about 6 years ago..I heard that she's since moved away and I haven't heard a peep in 5 years..I don't expect to.

 

I have no advice, but I don't think you need any as it seems like you're doing everything right, and so is your husband. Just wanted to empathize and send you a hug.

[wmacbride]

Oh my. I think we have the same OW, except the contrite part. That would have been nice. Maybe. NO, I'm lying. NC NC NC for me too please lol

 

How long did it go on for before it escalated to bringing in outside measures? Was there an NC letter first?

 

I know my WH's xOW stalks me online, and I'm between a rock and a hard place - my career requires an online presence. Big time. So disappearing ins't an option. Like you, I don't wish her any harm, I just wish she'd go away. I agree that she totally wants you to know. I think our respective xOW's in some twisted logic feel like by haunting us they still might manage to disrupt or destroy our marriages, not realizing that their weirdness in fact gives us yet another reason to put up a united front and fight for what we've managed to rebuild.

 

I haven't managed to "diagnose" the xOW with borderline or Asperger's or something, so I am just assuming she is very very hurt. Again, like you, it's my hope she finds someone who loves her for her and they live happily ever after. In a cone of silence. Far far away from my family...

 

Today is the anniversary of WH and xOW's first kiss and since she spent last year sending *me* notes about it, I'm on edge today, waiting to see if it starts up again. The one that picks my ass the worst isn't the first time they kissed or had sex, but the first time he told her he loved her.

 

He sent her a nc letter and included a blank cc so I could see it at the same time. He wrote it himself with no help or approval from me, and it was clear, concise and he accepted responsibility for his actions.

 

He was deployed a very short tie afterwards ( several days), and because he was at a forward operating base much of the time, we couldn't talk or email very often.

 

Her odd behavior started after he left. She sent a couple of polite and apologetic emails to me before he did.

 

The ones where she said she was going to harm herself really bothered me at first, as I know she lives alone ( she lived just up he street from us) and I was worried she really would hurt herself and no one would be there to help.

[ShatteredLady]

My H had an affair with a work colleague 12 YEARS ago. It ended completely. NC letter & all that jazz.

 

Last year when I was recovering from life saving surgery with a septic body & a very depressed mind I really needed my H, anyone, anything to stand by me & keep me safe.... she wrote another 'innocent' "Hey!" message & that's all it took for her to be back in our lives.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the OW is ever really gone....even if she physically is.

 

Blah, blah, whatever! It sucks. It all sucks.

[Lois_Griffin]

OMG.

 

All this DRAMA over the fact that she merely looked at your Linked-in profile (or some such profile based on your post)?

 

Seriously?

 

Since when is it illegal to look at something that's on the internet, which basically makes it free domain? If you put something out there, then that gives people the right to look at it.

 

I'm just being pragmatic. If you don't want her looking at your stuff, don't put it out there. But you can't control what's AVAILABLE to her on the internet.

[wmacbride]

OMG.

 

All this DRAMA over the fact that she merely looked at your Linked-in profile (or some such profile based on your post)?

 

Seriously?

 

Since when is it illegal to look at something that's on the internet, which basically makes it free domain? If you put something out there, then that gives people the right to look at it.

 

I'm just being pragmatic. If you don't want her looking at your stuff, don't put it out there. But you can't control what's AVAILABLE to her on the internet.

 

 

As I said before, if it was just drama on her part, all wold be fine, but there is a backstory, and given her actions int he past, I don't trust her.

I would like to, but I can't.

 

As well, we are obligated to report any contact, social media views included, to the authorities. This isn't a case of her just popping up out of nowhere after never having any problem with her, it's after she was actually charged for her behavior towards me and was penalized for her behavior.

 

As an aside, I use my social media for work, and depend on it for clients. I can't just stop using it, or chnage the name I use, because tat is how clients contact me. she has zero reason to be viewing and of my pages, and I shouldn't have to lose out on clients and income because she has some sort of an issue.

 

She was mandated to not have any contact with me, my husband or children in any form, even social media views, because of her inability to control her actions. She knew it was my page, and din;t have to browse through it, but she did.

 

Tomorrow we have to go and speak with the MP's about this, and they can handle it form here. If they deice there is nothing to worry about, fine. If the feel otherwise, they will take whatever action they think is most appropriate.

 

( btw, when I say we were told to report any attempt at contact form her, it is not a choice but an order)

Edited June 13, 2016 by wmacbride

[wmacbride]

My H had an affair with a work colleague 12 YEARS ago. It ended completely. NC letter & all that jazz.

 

Last year when I was recovering from life saving surgery with a septic body & a very depressed mind I really needed my H, anyone, anything to stand by me & keep me safe.... she wrote another 'innocent' "Hey!" message & that's all it took for her to be back in our lives.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the OW is ever really gone....even if she physically is.

 

Blah, blah, whatever! It sucks. It all sucks.

 

Agreed.

 

Mind you, as a bs, you are expected by some to just take whatever cr@p an ow/om throws at you.

[minimariah]

wmacbride - hugs!!!

 

don't have much to say, i'm really sorry you're going through this unnecessary stress & i hope she'll disappear once and for all.

 

hang in there! don't let it phase you. and don't remove your social networks - live your life freely and how YOU want. you did good by reporting, let the authorities take it from there.

[Lobe]

All this DRAMA over the fact that she merely looked at your Linked-in profile (or some such profile based on your post)?

 

Seriously?

 

I dunno if it's drama, or just expressing irritation. I want to be left alone. Professionally I cannot disappear online, which mean that yup - the xOW always knows at least a little bit about what's going on in our lives.

 

Fortunately my WH does NOT have to be online so he's as invisible as can be. I imagine that's why I got attacked more than him.

 

... lol

[jen1447]

She was mandated to not have any contact with me, my husband or children in any form, even social media views, because of her inability to control her actions. She knew it was my page, and din;t have to browse through it, but she did.

 

I sympathize with you in general wm but this seems like a really sketchy mandate. How could the MPs conceivably control all her internet activity, such as anonymous browsing or viewing your profiles from an account not linked to her? And likewise how do they even know it was her? If her account viewed your account, that's all that can be established without somehow actually putting her specifically in front of the screen/behind the device.

 

(So bscly if they ran to her and said "You browsed wm's LinkedIn!!!," all she'd have to do is say "eh?" and they'd pretty much be at a dead end. I mean, even if they traced her IP all the way down to her home or her device, they still don't know for a fact she was the one doing it.)

[Alamo657]

She was mandated to not have any contact with me, my husband or children in any form, even social media views

 

( btw, when I say we were told to report any attempt at contact form her, it is not a choice but an order)

 

That's the point, there was no contact, you didnt see her stalking you in the street, she didnt send any mesage.

 

Social media snooping is NOT contact, and i can hardly believe she was forbidden by the authorities to browse the internet to look at your public profiles.

[wmacbride]

Turns out that view was her way of reintroducing contact.

 

I got a message from her late last night on my account that just says "hi". Nothing more.

 

We had our meeting with the COC and MP's , and we were told that this will be dealt with.

 

It's out of my hands now, and I hope that they are able to get her some help this time and that's she's not self harming.

 

I can understand how, in most situations, a social media view wouldn't be contact but with her, things have a way of escalating.

 

I can't help but feel sorry for her, as her mind must be really troubled to try and contact me after all this time. that's not something I would wish on anyone.

[wmacbride]

wmacbride - hugs!!!

 

don't have much to say, i'm really sorry you're going through this unnecessary stress & i hope she'll disappear once and for all.

 

hang in there! don't let it phase you. and don't remove your social networks - live your life freely and how YOU want. you did good by reporting, let the authorities take it from there.

 

Thanks

 

I feel bad for her, and I hope she can get some help. when I stopped getting any sort of contact form her, I had hoped that she'd realized that she needed to maybe get some therapy. I know she may have been just lashing out, but the idea of someone even threatening to harm themselves sounds like she is in pain.

 

I just want her to get help and leave me alone. I do hope she can get it this time and find some happiness in her life.