A girl I like likes my best friend, but he doesn't like her...

[Tiredofbeingalone]

Okay, I never would have imagined myself seeking help with relationship issues on the internet, but I don't know where else to turn now. I need to start off with a little background information:

 

I'm a 17 year-old high school male, and I've been good friends with three other guys ever since I moved to this part of town, I'll use pseudonyms for them because they all frequently surf the net and I don't want any of them to find this: Brad is 20, still lives at home with his parents while he takes a few classes at the community college; Chuck is 19, and is living with his folks over the summer, but when school is in session he lives in the dorms at a local university, and his brother Dave, 18 (just graduated from our high school last month) also lives with him. A few months back a girl named Andrea (just a few months younger than myself) started hanging out with us. I'd seen her around school before, and probably never would have taken any notice of her if I hadn't been given the opportunity to meet her in such a relaxed social setting.

 

Recently I got to thinking about why Andrea would hang out with us, and for the longest time I could not figure it out. She's a great friend now, but I couldn't figure out why she would just start hanging out with a group of relative nobodies (especially all guys) when she's already quite popular within her own clique. I know that she is the helpless romantic type, and has been seriously hurt in relationships in the past, so I assumed that she probably had a romantic interest (no, probably not that serious, I'll just say a crush) on one of the guys in the group. I can't explain why I had to pursue this thought any further, except that every time I would think of her I found myself growing more and more attracted to her (not really even in a physical manner, I mean, she's absolutely beautiful but there's more to it). I don't know, I suppose in the back of my mind I kind of hoped she was thinking of me in the same way, as I realized that we share so many things in common (I've also had a troubled past in relationships, but that's another topic entirely).

 

Well, I recently figured out who it was that she has a crush on, and it kind of hurt me to find out that it wasn't me (that would have been too perfect, and I wouldn't be posting here for advice), but rather my good friend Chuck. I figured it out finally by paying closer attention to the hints she was throwing out (real subtle stuff, she's really quite shy, so I don't even know for sure if she even knew she was actually giving off hints or not). Brad confirmed my suspicions (he's known Andrea longer than any of us, and she must have told him about her feelings sometime recently). I can't say that I'm angry about it or anything, I care about all of my friends, and if they could be happy together I wouldn't try to stop them.

 

Unfortunately, however, I know for a fact that that relationship simply cannot be. I asked Chuck about his feelings for Andrea earlier tonight, and he said that he could never think of her as any more than a friend, but he said that if anything were to happen, she would have to express her interest to him first. Well, I know that that won't happen, she's just far too shy to confront him like that, and it would tear her heart to pieces if she confronted him like that and was turned away. He had many reasons why he couldn't have a relationship with her, including that he's nearly 4 years older than she is, and that he knows that his brother has had a crush on Andrea before (I don't know if he still does, but I've seen him with other girls recently, so I hope his feelings for her have passed).

 

Now, I'm left in the middle of a situation that I don't know how to resolve. I'm not the kind of guy that can just sit around for weeks/months waiting to see what will happen, I feel like I have to do something. I really think that I could have a very successful relationship with Andrea, but I know that she's the type that won't even consider it while she's occupied thinking about another guy. What should I do? Should I try to let her know that he doesn't think of her that way? Should I get him to confront her about it and let her down easy? All of this is making my head hurt... I need to stop writing this and go to sleep before I start obsessing over this too much. Please, help me if you can, I need ideas.

[amerikajin]

Admittedly, skimmed over the last part, but read enough to know the score:

 

Andrea likes Chuck, and she's going to continue liking Chuck until it's clear to her that Chuck isn't going to reciprocate. The reason is, Chuck is older, and he's going away to college, so in a sense, he's more valuable to her in terms of prestige, ego et.al. He's her idea of a catch: an older, more mature, and presumably, since he's off to school, an ambitious guy.

 

Chuck may not like Andrea, but here's what you need to remember: you can't be the one to tell her anything. As much as you hate it, you have to let Andrea find out for herself. Getting involved with be bad for two reasons:1) because Chuck won't appreciate you getting involved in his business, even if he has no feelings for her;and 2) Andrea will see you as a desperate dude with an agenda, and she will not have any respect for you.

 

To be honest, the odds are against you. Attractive women like to "date up", and it is not uncommon for high school seniors or recent graduates to start dating college guys, even though college guys end up looking like losers for hanging around high school girls, which, by the way, is probably why Chuck wouldn't want to date Andrea. The best thing you can do is to bide your time and focus your attention away from Andrea - maybe she'll come your way, but let it happen naturally. If you force something, it'll backfire - trust me.

[Tiredofbeingalone]

You're almost certainly right of course, and I know that, I just hate having to sit around and wait for her to have her heart broken again (Chuck really isn't the most sensitive of guys, he'll more than likely inadvertantly hurt her whenever he does tell her).

 

Damn, I'm starting to think now that I'll never have a chance to go out with Andrea (it could literally be months before she figures out the truth about her crush, and a few after that before I would dare make my move, otherwise like you said she would probably think of me as having an agenda...). This whole situation stinks badly, as she is probably going away to college on the west coast next summer, just over a year from now.

 

By the way, about the odds being "against me," I really don't think so. She has never dated someone for their socail status, she has said herself that she is more attracted to personalities, intelligence, and a good sense of humor (all of which are qualities I possess, not trying to be vain or anything, but I've been told that before).

 

Oh well, I guess my best course of action now is to continue hanging out with the whole group and get to be better friends with her, so hopefully I can help her back up whenever she figures out that her feelings for him aren't reciprocated.

 

I'll check this thread still, just in case anyone else has a different idea about how I can approach this situation, hopefully resolving it in a more timely manner (the way I see it, the longer she is obsessing over this guy, the more she is gonna be hurt in the future, and it has already been quite a while, three months at least, quite possibly more).

[amerikajin]

You're almost certainly right of course, and I know that, I just hate having to sit around and wait for her to have her heart broken again (Chuck really isn't the most sensitive of guys, he'll more than likely inadvertantly hurt her whenever he does tell her).

 

I'll save Alphamale the trouble: dude, you've been diagnosed with acute case of "nice-guy-itis".

 

I know what you're doing dude, because I used to be like that myself. You try to tell yourself that "I'm not like those other guys, and one day she'll see that...if I can just somehow get the message across to her."

 

Dude, that's Hollywood - not real life. In real life, insensitive guys get the chicks all the time, and the craziest part about it all, a lot of times, the chicks know going into a relationship that they're dating someone who isn't exactly husband material - and they end up dating them anyway, and again and again they date. Crazy, you say? Pffff...just stick around, bud, you'll see for yourself. It ain't fair, but if you want fairness don't go looking for it in the game of love, 'cuz you ain't gonna find it.

 

Damn, I'm starting to think now that I'll never have a chance to go out with Andrea (it could literally be months before she figures out the truth about her crush, and a few after that before I would dare make my move, otherwise like you said she would probably think of me as having an agenda...). This whole situation stinks badly, as she is probably going away to college on the west coast next summer, just over a year from now.

 

I'm not telling you to give up on Andrea, but I am telling you not to put all your eggs in one basket. You need to go find some other prospects, so that if things go bad in your quest for Andrea, you'll be able to move along.

 

By the way, about the odds being "against me," I really don't think so. She has never dated someone for their socail status, she has said herself that she is more attracted to personalities, intelligence, and a good sense of humor (all of which are qualities I possess, not trying to be vain or anything, but I've been told that before).

 

When I say the "odds are against you", I don't mean that you don't have attractive qualities, nor am I saying it can't happen; I'm saying exactly what I mean: the odds are against you - she likes someone else, and she's given no real indication that she's interested in you, I take it. You're available, and women who hang around a guy for any length of time are well aware of when someone they want is available or not. And they usually don't waste a lot of time trying to let us know if they're interested, either. If she's interested, you'll know - well, you should know...if you're able to read the signs.

 

Oh well, I guess my best course of action now is to continue hanging out with the whole group and get to be better friends with her, so hopefully I can help her back up whenever she figures out that her feelings for him aren't reciprocated.

 

Dude, don't be the "nice friend". Take it from so many of us dudes on this forum - that is a sure way to get rejected - fast. If I were you, I'd just hang out with your buds, and if she happens to be out and about, well then you can turn on your charm and let her see you in action. And if she likes what she sees, you probably won't have to wait around for anything.

[Tiredofbeingalone]

Well, I had the friends over to my place last night, and now I'm more confused about what to do than ever. Since Chuck now knows that Andrea likes him, he's been acting different, really reserved and quiet, when he usually pokes fun at everything (we all do). I'm pretty sure that he's just trying to ignore her and hope that her feelings will go away, as he's already said that he won't confront her and I'm pretty sure he'd like to avoid having her confront him. If that worked everything would be fine, but with how often our group of friends get together it is really hard for him to achieve that kind of NC goal by simply ignoring her.

 

Half of me wants to sit my feelings for Andrea aside and try to resolve this situation between my dearest friends (I could see this situation shattering quite a few long-standing friendships here, and that half of me thinks that the friendships are more important.

 

But... I just can't ignore this girl. I've had crushes before, hell I've been in some rather serious relationships before, but... I can't explain it with words, she's just so different from all of the others in a way that attracts me like I never have been before. Normally given a situation like this I would simply approach her and tell her how I feel, but in this case its not a fear of rejection, but actual knowledge that she is obsessed with someone else (obsessed might seem like a strong term to use, but she has literally halted all of her usual social routine to be around this guy for nearly six months now).

 

Damn, feeling like the omniscient third-party in this situation makes it all the more difficult to not do anything... I somewhat wish I had never learned about my friends' feelings for each other.

 

BTW, amerikajin, about what you said with "don't put all your eggs in one basket", I wish I had an option, but in my town (military town) it is rare for people to be able to get in touch over the summer vacation, as so many people go away to visit relatives and whatnot, and there aren't very many popular teen hangouts around for me to go and meet people.

[shiben]

damn! who reads so much stuff

[Tiredofbeingalone]

Never mind, I've managed to resolve the issue of these two being locked in a stalemate, I got one of our other female friends to hang out with us, and afterwards she talked to Andrea and convinced her to talk to Chuck about the whole deal, I still won't be able to make a move on her for some time, but at least I'm not stuck waiting around for those two to talk to each other.

[amerikajin]

Assuming that you're reading things right and Chuck doesn't have feelings for Andrea, that's probably the best thing. You're not the bad guy, and since girls always talk you can get feedback on where you stand.

[shiben]

dude! my comment really worked

[drgnflybethany]

Originally posted by Tiredofbeingalone

I'm pretty sure that he's just trying to ignore her and hope that her feelings will go away, as he's already said that he won't confront her and I'm pretty sure he'd like to avoid having her confront him. If that worked everything would be fine, but

 

Yup... there it is - that BUT...

 

When will men get it through their heads that it's the not knowing that drives us insane? If you don't like us, tell us... we'll move on a LOT more quickly, with a lot less mess, if you'll just fess up...

 

I went through a painful situation shortly after my divorce - and it lasted a few months, where there were all these signs that he liked me... but he never did - and he never had the balls to say anything to me about it - and that's where the trouble started... and continued. I didn't want to be an intrusion in his life, and if he had said something sooner, I never would have continued to email him... or try to contact him - or anything... Yes, it makes some situations awkward, but they are slowly getting better... and they are definitely improved over the times when I was constantly wondering whether or not there were truly feelings there.

 

So - tell your friend to tell this girl, GENTLY, that he doesn't have feelings for her.. she'll get the picture, be hurt for a while, and then, she'll get over it... A lot more quickly than she will if she has to dangle by a string looking for signs that won't come to fruition...

[Tiredofbeingalone]

Thanks bethany, your post was what I really wanted to hear. I'm really trying to work (cautiously, of course) on getting these two to talk about what's going on between them. From what I hear from my girl friend who was talking to Andrea, though, she feels WAY to uncomfortable going into a conversation with the guy, mainly because he already knows how she feels about him (IDK, I guess he has the 'upper hand' in relationship negotiations now, lol). To make it worse I don't think I'll be able to convince him to confront her about it without making it blatantly obvious that I'm interested in her (not that I don't want her to know, but the time just isn't right).

[franny]

ohhh i feel so sorry for you!..there's nothing worse than wanting something you can't have! But you can! just tell her! what can you loose? when youve had a few drinks maybe!!! ORR

your mate dosn't like her..he said so..tell him what you feel!...that could open things up!

you never know what girls are thinking!!!!

goodluck buddy!!!u sound like a nice bloke(:

[drgnflybethany]

Originally posted by Tiredofbeingalone

Thanks bethany, your post was what I really wanted to hear. I'm really trying to work (cautiously, of course) on getting these two to talk about what's going on between them. From what I hear from my girl friend who was talking to Andrea, though, she feels WAY to uncomfortable going into a conversation with the guy, mainly because he already knows how she feels about him (IDK, I guess he has the 'upper hand' in relationship negotiations now, lol). To make it worse I don't think I'll be able to convince him to confront her about it without making it blatantly obvious that I'm interested in her (not that I don't want her to know, but the time just isn't right).

 

Glad I could do something right today (or yesterday - or whenever)

 

By the way - franny's post - uhm.. if she's really into the other guy, give her time to get over this crush. The worst thing you can do is inundate her right now with your feelings... and if she really likes this other guy, she won't give you a chance until it's too late - just my opinion..

 

It's going to be messy for a while, but just be there and be the kind of friend she needs right now - which is someone that will listen to her as she's pouring out her heart, and sort of help guide her through the sadness...

 

But if she feels awkward talking to the guy, she probably knows what he's going to say, anyway - or at least feels like she knows what he's going to say..

 

Crushes are never easy - that's why they were named as such... but, again, just being there for her, will mean more to her in the long run than anything else you can do...

 

If you can trust your friend with your secret about how you feel about this girl, I think it would be best to tell him.

 

As for ideas for what he should say (I know you haven't asked for them...but here goes, anyway):

 

Avoid saying," I like you as a friend" That's the end all be all of bad lines... whoever invented it or used it first should be shot or, better yet, have their heart removed with a dull spoon.

 

Best thing to say, "I think you are a beautiful, charming person... but I'm just not into you that way."

 

or:

 

"I think very highly of you - I just don't want to pursue a relaitonship with you on that level." (do NOT add "at this time..." this phrase toys with a girls affections more than most... gives them hope where none exists..)

 

or:

 

"I know this will be painful to hear, but I just don't have feelings for you.."

 

Women are not the fragile little delicate flowers we are made out to be.. we can take pain.. what you should understand is that the way a woman deals with stress is usually by crying... whereas a man usually gets angry...

 

Good Luck - and keep us posted... and give your crush a hug - if you have that kind of friendship... it may be just what she needs...

[Dunno]

i like him, he likes my best freind, she likes him, his best griend likes me but our nuetral friend liked him first and blah blah blah blah blah....aka drama. Sorry i can't help it wish that i could but i am trying to figure it out myself.