Unemployed, depressed and no confidence

[HS25]

Hello all,

 

I have been unemployed since January and the longer it has gone on the more I start doubting myself and what I am capable of doing. I feel confused as to what to do career wise and regret wasting my 20's so far, I am 25. I wanted to go to university when I was 21 but family problems stopped that and since then have had a couple of jobs just to get by.

 

I do not have supportive parents, never have and feel this is a big reason as to why I am confused and feel hopeless. I don't know what career to go for and they have never seemed interested and asked what I want to do. I feel I have wasted my 20's just getting by in jobs just to pay rent and have had no idea about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months and there are times I don't feel good enough, I can't do things that I would normally do in a relationship whilst I am out of work. I have contacted a counsellor to try and get an understanding of what I want to do and why I am now the way I am. I have lost all my confidence, I have stopped seeing friends so much as I feel embarrassed at not having work at the minute. I feel lost and confused about what to do for work.

 

Anyone have any similar experience or advice? Thanks

[Buddhist]

I have been unemployed since January and the longer it has gone on the more I start doubting myself and what I am capable of doing.

 

The solution to this is to employ yourself between now and when you get your next paying job. By employing yourself I mean putting your brain, hands, body to work to fill in the long hours of the day. If you spend it idle your sense of usefulness will diminish as you have discovered. I have been off work now for 2 months but I don't let a day go by without hitting a target of mine. Idleness is considered a 'sin' for a reason. Nothing depresses you more than being without a sense of purpose. Those pilgrims knew a thing or two about mental health....

 

I feel confused as to what to do career wise and regret wasting my 20's so far, I am 25. I wanted to go to university when I was 21 but family problems stopped that and since then have had a couple of jobs just to get by.

 

Okay so what did you plan of studying at university? The very great beauty in life is that we can now all study any subject of interest for free by accessing resources about online, in the library or surprise, surprise turning up to university lectures and sitting in. Sure you won't get a piece of paper this way, but honestly who's to know if you are a student or not? I've often made use of university libraries without ever being a student. I was self studying medieval history. Consider community colleges as well, they are often great for learning new things.

 

I do not have supportive parents, never have and feel this is a big reason as to why I am confused and feel hopeless.

 

Well that's a bummer. But there are many people who had non-supportive parents. You can ask yourself those questions instead. Even though the world teaches us our parents are supposed to be everything to us, they frequently aren't. They are people too with their own fears, doubt and limitations. If your parents weren't wise enough to counsel and nurture you then you'll have to pick up that ball yourself as an adult.

 

I feel I have wasted my 20's just getting by in jobs just to pay rent and have had no idea about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

 

Most people get to 40 and realise exactly the same thing. Even when they did go straight to university then went into their chosen career. That is a common condition in life and by no means a real obstacle to getting on and wasting no more time.

 

I have lost all my confidence, I have stopped seeing friends so much as I feel embarrassed at not having work at the minute. I feel lost and confused about what to do for work.

 

This is the real issue, idle time and no idea what to do with it. When I gave up my most recent career I knew the most important thing for me to keep up going forward was a routine. I was used to getting out of bed at dawn, doing a series of tasks and winding down in the evening. I also knew that if I treated my downtime as a holiday and just let all routine fall by the wayside then it wouldn't be long before I would be bored and listless and watching whole days go by and achieving nothing. Right from the very first day I employed myself. I didn't say to myself I'm out of work. I said to myself this (tasks that I gave myself) is now my job and Im going to work at it like a job. I have my weekends for just time wasting but 5 days per week I'm working.

 

This has been key to not falling into a funk of self-pitying mire which I have fallen into before. It's really helpful. So set your alarm clock, get out of bed early every single day, give yourself an hour to get dressed, eat and then get on with whatever you've now decided is your job. Give yourself an hour for lunch and back to work. Finish your day early evening and enjoy your free time. What you choose to do for 'work' is entirely up to you. I had a lot of personal stuff to deal with so exercising, journaling, therapy, became my work. But what I don't do is laze about in front of the TV or computer, watching the hours tick by in boredom. That's a confidence killer.

[HS25]

I go to the gym four times a week, its keeps me busy and gives me an hour to forget about my depression and frustration. What im mainly concerned about is my relationship, because I am depressed and fed up a lot of the time it effects me and my girlfriend, i cant take her out like i want to do, i cant do things for her at the minute and as the man i just feel low and not good enough with it being like that. She assures me that it will all be ok, and it will eventually but this unemployment has gone on a lot longer then i thought it would and it gets harder the longer it goes on. Once i am back in work everything will be good again but for now its hard and am struggling to feel good and confident like i once was.

[Buddhist]

So you've got something to do for 4hrs a week, and what do you do with the other 164hrs?....like I said you've got too much time on your hands. If you are waiting for someone else to hand you a job so you can feel useful then you'll be feeling useless a lot longer. If having a job means everything to you then make looking for one your job and spend a bit more than a mere 4hrs per week doing something about your situation.

 

Yeah I think my sympathy for you just evaporated.

Edited June 11, 2016 by Buddhist

[NTV]

Do you journal?

[Satu]

I can't remember where I found this, but its excellent advice.

 

 

Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

 

Take care.

[james1990]

I won't give you personal advice of my own, but I highly recommend you read the book, "Your Are a Badass". It has all the tools you need to direct you to a more positive and meaningful life.

[Offspring]

Well, i think it's really positive... What you've posted.

 

First of all, you would not post such a thing if you didn't want something 'better' for yourself. Can you see that?

 

Secondly, you said you have not got supportive parents. I understand exactly what you mean by that, but one of the big challenges in life is to get past the conditioning of your parents, and not let their values influence you. You've got to work that out for yourself.

 

The third thing, is that you say you don't know what you want to do. Well, i reckon you could think of something if you really had to. Are you good with numbers? Are you good with people? My great advice is to research the industries and opportunities around you, and study this. Eg, if there is a shortage of accountants, study accounting. If there is a shortage of plumbers, do a plumbing apprenticeship.. There is always a shortage of plumbers, and they get paid well . Do your own research. Don't think about the job 'title'... Just think about what you could tolerate, what you think you'd be good at, and where you think there will be a market demand (eg, cleaning can sometimes be a good business to go in to... Just saying).

 

Fourthly, you said you've worked in several jobs 'just to get by' over the past few years.

 

My take is this: decide on a vocational course (trade: cooking, electrician, builder, plumber etc), or qualification / University course, and go for it. You can work almost full time, and study full time.

 

I'll tell you something: sucess is equal parts effort (trying hard and working for it), and aptitude. In fact, i'd say working hard, and forming good relationships is more important.

 

I dare you to try a different approach and enrol in a course. Try something new, you've got nothing to lose.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Offspring

[circlesinfinity]

I can't remember where I found this, but its excellent advice.

 

 

Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

 

Take care.

 

This is such good advice. I am going through a similar situation, just the unemployed part and live with a relative.

 

I taught myself some programming skills from YouTube and some French too. It is crazy how many free things are out there to learn and keep you occupied...

[Nowty V]

I don't know what career to go for

 

Would you want a career that gives spiritual satisfaction or one that could meet financial obligations only?

 

I am a Horticulturist by trade [Propagator/Gardener. Apprenticed at 16yr old] and have had many wonderful years within the Industry, plants are just amazing. Jobs may be low paid.

 

I went to university in 1998 and got a BSc in Applied Computer Technology, however I don't have an aggressive personality and found it hard to compete for jobs I had no experience of.

 

I formed my own Gardening Company and provided maintenance, mainly for aged people who had created a garden over time but could no longer maintain it.

 

I met some wonderful people and worked in some mind blowing gardens. I could earn enough to get by. I am not materialistic and this suited me fine. If I wanted to make a lot of money I would have had to start overcharging for whatever tasks I could, selling people things they didn't need and just generally ripping available people off where possible .. I could not do this morally.

 

When the economic downturn of the 2008 hit, clients had to ask themselves "do I pay him £40 for doing my garden ea week or do I put that in my petrol tank?" The petrol tank won and my business failed.

 

Fast forward to now I work within the Automotive industry and earn way more than anyone I was at University with, I fit 3 bolts and 2 screws all shift long.

 

I suggest going to University is very expensive and not all it's cracked up to be. Find an entry level exam in your chosen subject, then go out and get some experience, it's worth well more than a piece of paper.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Nowty V

[Offspring]

"This has been key to not falling into a funk of self-pitying mire which I have fallen into before. It's really helpful. So set your alarm clock, get out of bed early every single day, give yourself an hour to get dressed, eat and then get on with whatever you've now decided is your job. Give yourself an hour for lunch and back to work. Finish your day early evening and enjoy your free time. What you choose to do for 'work' is entirely up to you. I had a lot of personal stuff to deal with so exercising, journaling, therapy, became my work. But what I don't do is laze about in front of the TV or computer, watching the hours tick by in boredom. That's a confidence killer."

 

Great idea! I did something similiar when i was younger. I do casual work at the moment, so try to make my mornings and afternoons off purposeful with a list of activities that i prefer to do. I'm going to make personal development a part of that now, so... Thanks!

Edited June 29, 2016 by Offspring

[thecd]

You have the freedom to do whatever you want dude. Time is precious. Have no remorse on self-pity, treat it like the scum it is and free your mind of the burden in a conscious act of rebellion. Negativity attracts negativity.

 

It's also a culture thing, depending where you go. I had a conversation about this with a friend. Something a long the lines of "the English measure your worth by your job whereas the French by your art". Not absolutes for those two cultures per say, but just the general notion that certain cultures judge you by your role in society more than others.

 

We all have a right to change our minds a million times over. Just experiment and experiment, don't give up trying trying.