Ex WH give me a clue!

[OneMoreBW]

My WH had a long EA with a coworker (8y A before Dday, OW 10y younger, WH now is 50yo). She got pregnant (he tells me it was a joint decision!). Husband asked for a 2nd chance with me. It was his decision to stay. Nowadays the baby girl is 2yo. OW left the country with kid (H and me have same background and speaks same mother tongue.

 

AP is from another culture and speaks another language, they speak English with one another). Now he goes once a month for a weekend to visit the daughter (6h jet leg + 10hours no diret flight). He tells me he picks the girl up with the au pair, so they don't see each other. However I know they exchange text to set visitation schedules. I know they had a very strong E&SA (many expensive trips, many expensive jewelries, expensive restaurants, soulmates, best friends, all the c..p).

 

We're together for 33y (married for 27, 19 & 17yo amazing sons). I'm very fitted (I'm 50yo but look 10y younger and very positive person) and he (and everybody else) tells me I'm the 'perfect' wife (I know nobody is, but I'm not all that bad). I do love him a lot and decided to forgive him and give him a 2nd chance.

 

Before he told me about the A, I though we had the perfect marriage as I though we were pretty close (I never felt that we grow apart), amazing SL, no financial problems, beautiful house, great family (all in-laws goes well together), dream job, wonderful sons, ....Almost picture perfect......

 

Do you really believe a man can be faithful to his W after such intense feelings for someone else? Do you really believe someone can overcome such strong feelings or the AP will always be in their minds?

 

It has been 2y since Dday, but I still feel something off.

Please give me your opinion.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to MLP

[OneMoreBW]

Just to add: He keeps me telling "I love you" all the time, check on me frequently, is very jealousy about me (I think he's afraid I can do the same to him), is giving me very expensive jewelries (way more than the ones I discovered he gave to the OW), ....However it all sounds me a bit off. It's the gut feeling. Sometimes I fell he's not 100% sure of what he really wants. 2y is or is not a long time to make such a decision? Sometimes I feel he's going to "buy cigarettes"....

[dreamingoftigers]

My WH had a long EA with a coworker (8y A before Dday, OW 10y younger, WH now is 50yo). She got pregnant (he tells me it was a joint decision!). Husband asked for a 2nd chance with me. It was his decision to stay. Nowadays the baby girl is 2yo. OW left the country with kid (H and me have same background and speaks same mother tongue. AP is from another culture and speaks another language, they speak English with one another). Now he goes once a month for a weekend to visit the daughter (6h jet leg + 10hours no diret flight). He tells me he picks the girl up with the au pair, so they don't see each other. However I know they exchange text to set visitation schedules. I know they had a very strong E&SA (many expensive trips, many expensive jewelries, expensive restaurants, soulmates, best friends, all the c..p). We're together for 33y (married for 27, 19 & 17yo amazing sons). I'm very fitted (I'm 50yo but look 10y younger and very positive person) and he (and everybody else) tells me I'm the 'perfect' wife (I know nobody is, but I'm not all that bad). I do love him a lot and decided to forgive him and give him a 2nd chance. Before he told me about the A, I though we had the perfect marriage as I though we were pretty close (I never felt that we grow apart), amazing SL, no financial problems, beautiful house, great family (all in-laws goes well together), dream job, wonderful sons, ....Almost picture perfect......

Do you really believe a man can be faithful to his W after such intense feelings for someone else? Do you really believe someone can overcome such strong feelings or the AP will always be in their minds?

It has been 2y since Dday, but I still feel something off.

Please give me your opinion.

 

IMHO, and IME ..... If you still feel that something is off, it IS....

[MJJean]

I wish I could help you, but I can't. I have always held the firm belief that if my DH cheated AND there was a child, I'd divorce him, pack up his things, and ship him and all of his stuff directly to his Baby Momma.

 

Also, I would never believe a man who had a long term affair, PLANNED a child with his AP, and still sees her monthly, without me, in another country.

 

Seriosuly, does anyone believe he's NOT still screwing his Baby Momma?

[elaine567]

Bad situation for you.

You seem to have plenty of money, so hiring a PI to follow him, may tell you what exactly goes on when he visits his daughter.

[OneMoreBW]

I really feel so sad about all this situation. I'm doing all I can do to try to save my marriage for the sake of my kids, my family and also to me. Almost the same thing happen with my parents and my mom ended up divorcing my father (long A with OW but no kid). Even after 40y!, my mom is still in love with him but she knew she had to let him go. My siblings and I were young kids by that time (7, 8 and 10yo) and even today my older brother has resentments about this, and any of us has a good relationship with our father. Unfortunately it seams the story is up again. Almost the same details, and it seams the end will be about the same. In my case, at least my kids are almost grown ups and I don't depend financially on my H. I feel that if I don't want to keep leaving in an unfaithful relationship, I'm the one who has to leave it. I feel that anything I do to try to save this marriage is being in vain as this A thing looks like an addiction for both of them. It is so sad that the beautiful family and the marriage I though I had is nothing more then an ilusion created by myself, but I can't be delusional anymore. How can I keep being married to someone who I know is lying and deceiving most of the time? Sometimes I believe the trill of lying and cheating is the real addiction. At least I still have my kids and a bit of dignity to go on.

[MJJean]

Do your kids know about their half sibling? If you go through with a divorce, would they know that you're filing because of infidelity and a "love child"?

[OneMoreBW]

Yes. My kids know about everything. I didn't hide the A from them neither from my in-laws. Everybody from their company knows as well and that's why she decided to leave. Although I think she made this move in other to pressure him to take a decision. Nowadays I believe they still have an A, with the difference that is once a month and in a foreigner country.

Maybe they play house over there, but he keeps making FaceTime calls with me to show he's is in a hotel room, but I don't see him 24hs during such weekends and nobody knows them over there. So they're kind of free to play the 'happy family' once a month.

 

Yes, I talked to my lawyer and I do collect any evidence about the A. I truly feel awful doing the sneak part but it is to protect my kids and my interests. I do have enough material for a 'infidelity + love child' case. Honestly I would prefer to not go so far but his actions don't give much hope to stay in such a marriage.

[Lady Hamilton]

Honestly, if they planned a baby together and they still spend time together, I'd say that they're in it for the long haul. And if his family knows about her and the child?

 

Yeah... His priorities are with her.

[Lois_Griffin]

So, your husband basically had an 8-year affair and chose to have a kid with his concubine, and you chose to stay with him even after that horrific display of YEARS of horrifying disrespect shown you.

 

And you actually say, "he chose to stay with me."

 

Did you see that as flattering, or having won some kind of prize?

 

When you chose to stay with someone this low, you sent the message that he could pretty much walk all over you and you'd STILL stay, no matter what.

 

So is it REALLY a surprise that he's now conducting his affair with your complete approval? And if Romeo is flying to another country once a month to supposedly visit his love child then yes, he's STILL having an affair but now he's got your approval.

 

Exactly where IS your line in the sand - or does it not exist at all?

 

I just don't get why you'd cling like grim death to such a lying, disrespectful cheater. I don't get it.

[OneMoreBW]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do understand what you guys are telling me. I do have a line in the sand and this line is when my younger son goes to college and I hope until there my legal situation to stay here is finished. Actually after my son goes to college I can go back to my country anyways. Until this, there isn't really much I can do. It's just disgusting that I really have to have a blind eye with this mistress/baby situation but I do need to let my proud aside and think what is best for my kids and me. If I go through a divorce right now, it will be under my country's laws and they are very unfair for stay home wife, even after such a long marriage. The law here in the US protects me far more, but then I have to wait. Honestly I had the hope this could change for better and H really cut ties with OW. It doesn't seem so. I'm truly sad about this as I fell that at the end I'll end up away from my kids (they will be here in the US for college), with a broken family, and alone. If I have the patience to wait a little longer, I will endure all this but at least I'll be able to stay here and keep my home here and be closer to my kids.

It's all so so sad

[sandylee1]

An 8 year affair .... a planned baby and now he sees her once a month in another country. Your being played and he has it made.

 

I'd have long gone BUT if I stayed I would be travelling with him once a month as well. I think you should suggest it next time and go through with it.

 

A planned baby - why didn't he leave and be with her then?

 

Your kids know what happened, so what do they think of their dad planning a baby with another woman? Or is it not so bad in your culture? You have 3 sons and I'd be worried they think this is how women should be treated.

 

Anyone can show you the hotel room in facetime. What makes you think she's not hiding in the bathroom and after the facetime they get down to business.

 

Your husband must really take you for a fool.

 

I don't know what your social life is like but if I were you I'd be going out and having a lot of away time. Why don't you plan a trip away to coincide with his trip to see his DD and OW, and play detective. You'll probably see her meet him at the airport.

 

You could get his hotel details in advance and book yourself in there and see for yourself. He probably checks in and then stays with her for the weekend.

 

I'd just leave him and find a new man. Let him and her get on with it.

[road]

The Clue is that the affair is still on. WH uses OC visitation as a cover.

[oldshirt]

this was not an affair, this is leading a double life. This is basically polygamy without your consent.

 

 

The reason your marriage seemed so "perfect" was because he was play-acting. It was a charade. It was a front that he put on in order to maintain since alternate life.

 

 

He is a fake.

 

 

If you want to continue to live a fake marriage and continue to live in polygamy, then just keep on keeping on.

 

 

If you want to live in the real world and live a true life, then divorce and walk away.

 

 

He is what he is. He can not be changed.

 

 

You can only determine what kind of life you want to live and then pursue that life whether it be a charade with at least one sister-wife that you know of (there are likely more), or whether you want to move on and live your own life for real.

[Liam1]

 

Do you really believe a man can be faithful to his W after such intense feelings for someone else? Do you really believe someone can overcome such strong feelings or the AP will always be in their minds?

 

It has been 2y since Dday, but I still feel something off.

Please give me your opinion.

 

I am sorry you are in this predicament. It must have been awful to have to deal with a child from your spouse's affair.

 

Now to answer your question: Detectives say that 80 percent of the time, when a spouse suspects and affair for the first time and hires them to spy, there is an affair.

 

Still that leaves 20 percent possibility that he is not lying to you, anymore.

 

Also, you are likely extremely distrustful because of the longterm affair discovery. So, it's possible it's more distrust than intuition in your situation.

 

Can you hire a detective to shadow him on one of these trips?

 

Or, can you go on the trips with him?

 

Has he invited you to come. If so, that is a good sign.

 

If not, have you asked him why not?

 

As a former Wayward spouse, I would feel that inviting you on the trip is the only way to make you feel safe.

 

If you hire a detective, it will help in later, when you divorce because then you will have proof of the ongoing affair, rather than just a feeling.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Do you mind sharing what type of visa you have?

[Mr. Lucky]

I do have a line in the sand and this line is when my younger son goes to college

 

He may be on the same timetable, trying to stick it out til the last child is out of the house.

 

Do you share accounts and financials? Wouldn't be surprised if he were purchasing a house/property for this new family overseas.

 

Given the length of the affair and result, doesn't seem recoverable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

If you are seriously wanting to make your marriage work, demand that your husband fly there, pick the OW and her baby up, put her up in a hotel, and they come and stay here, where hubby is home each night and you are able to facilitate relationships between your sons and their half-sibling. How do you know Baby #2 isn't being planned already? Or hasn't already arrived?

 

Gather your ducks, put them all in a row, make plans to protect yourself including a healthy and fair divorce settlement. They have 10 years together with a 2-year old child - you are playing 2nd fiddle to his new wife. Do your sleuthing, talk to a lawyer (including an immigration lawyer), and determine what YOU want to see happen. If using your WH to stay in the country for another couple of years is amicable to you because it fills your needs, then fine, but distance yourself emotionally.

[OneMoreBW]

OP,

 

Do you mind sharing what type of visa you have?

My kids and I have an H4

[OneMoreBW]

It just hurts so much loving someone, built a life, a family with someone and be treated liked that. I'm still trying to save my M and I'll until I reach my line. I'm full of hope and faith that at the end things can works. I just suffer for the possibility of keeping being betrayed while every night H says he loves me.

 

Indeed while he's at home everything is fine but this 'once a month' thing drives me crazy. He tells me to be patient as he's still sorting things out with xOW (or OW). The lawyers (immigration included) tell me to be patience for a while as this could end up benefiting me. However, it's tough to believe after so much deception, and live an environment like this.

 

My H and the xOW used to work together since 2006 (not any more since 2010). The other day I learn the xOW used to have a long term boyfriend (10y) but left her after discovering the cheating (end of 2010). So since then they were even more involved. Dday was few weeks after the baby was born and my H told me (beginning of 2014). I feel so so stupid for never had any clue before. By Dday he told me he was 'confuse' but now not anymore. But if so, why so many secrets? That's why I think there is more to come, and I won't like what it is.

 

Indeed, little by little I'm detaching financially from him.

 

Tough, tough.

[Just a Guy]

Hello One more BW, really sorry to see you in such a difficult situation. Considering that you are 50 years old, are a SAHM and in a foreign country( for you) you really seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place. I wanted you to clarify a few things if you feel you can do so. Firstly, how long have you and your husband been staying in the US? Secondly, is there a very great difference between your culture and that of the US? I guess if you are from Europe, which seems likely since you are fairly comfortable with the English language, then the differences may not be too great, which would be an advantage for you. Thirdly, you have said that you are financially independent of your husband which is a bit difficult to understand, since you have stated you are a SAHM. Do you have money of your own provided by your own family or is it something you have accumulated over the years from the money provided by your husband or is there some other source of revenue? Fourthly, does your own family and that of your husband live in the home country or are they, too, living in the US?

After reading what you have written, I would think that you have good reasons to stay on in the marriage till your younger so goes off to college. However, if you do decide to desperate after he has gone, what are your plans? Would you be able to stay on in the US or would you have to return to your country? If you do have to return, what would be your support system there? Do you have a good and stable relationship with your sons? Would they be prepared to support you financially once they joined the work force or do you have sufficient resources to be able to support yourself? I do not know what status your currrent visa entitles you to, but is it possible for you to continue to stay on in the US if you desperate from your husband an if so, would you be able to support yourself? Would you be able to get financial support from your husband if you seperate? I guess the answers to all these questions will shed clarity on your situation. I guess some of the opinions expressed here have probably not taken into account all the factors surrounding your situation so they provide you with partial answers which may not really be helpful to you. I guess you will have to take a very deliberate and informed decision about your future as it will have a far reaching consequence on your future welfare.

[central]

You said he sees the child and NOT the (former) AP. Check this out - if necessary, hire a PI or go with him a few times in a row to see how this visitation system works. If it's as he told you (i.e., he's telling the truth), then he has cut off the affair. If not, then you'll know he's been lying and can be certain about what you can and should do, and only need to decide when.

[OneMoreBW]

Just a Guy, Thank you for all your insights. These are all questions that I really have to figure out before take any hard decision. My husband and I are both south americans. The OW from western Europe. I'll make a list with all your questions and analise carefully all of them.

 

Central: I would hire a PI but only after be well aware of my options.

 

What hurts me a lot is the fact the H still defend a lot the OW's situation. This just give me more and more suspicious. I just keep me asking why did he just not have left me?

 

I'll keep posting.

Thank you all for the support your are anonymously giving to me.

[sandylee1]

He didn't leave because he enjoys having both a wife and a girlfriend. He likes having 2 women to have sex with, who will both put up with his character flaws and he feels a huge ego boost. Almost like it's his entitlement to have you both.

 

Can you imagine a situation where you got pregnant by another man and flew out to another country for him to see the baby every month? You think your husband would be happy about it?

 

He wants to look like a good husband and father by staying in the marriage, but he really isn't.

 

Your best bet is to detach emotionally from him and when the time comes and your little one is gone to college... it will be much easier on you.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi onemoreBW,

 

I just your request for information on another thread. Usually the best way to ask for additional info is to PM someone. Unfortunately you do not have PM access at this time. You will with time and posts. Until then if the post is very recent try liking a post and then posting the request as you did.

 

For now the only other way to reach someone might be though a mod. Send then a note with a copy of the post and request them to notify that person to post on your thread.

 

As to can I tell you what will happen next? A range of possiblity yes, possibilties. But here is the rub: I believe in free will. With free will comes the ability to throw out the possibles and take a new direction.

 

I believe in strong healthy boundaries for yourself. Those around us may have no need for them, reject them, or accept them. Their reaction to these boundaries will dictate your reaction to them. For example a Jewish couple accepts an invitation to dine at a christsian home. This couple while not kosher observes the requirement of not mixing meat snd diary. The chistian couple knows this, yet for dinner they serve roast pork. The lack of respect shown by the christian couple sets a boundary on the relationship.

 

Part of your pain is that you are living in limbo. Your boundaries have been violated and others are forcing you to accept their boundaries. You are enduring and suffering for the lack of respect for boundaries. You feel trapped and forced to comply to others demands. While boundaries can (and should at times) flexible, some are rooted in bed rock.

 

Some additional information please; first how is your WH traveling to meet them once a month? If you are in the US and she is in Europe the expense must be considerable. How is the child support and travel expense impacting your children's future? If I missed it approximately how old are your children and their genders.

 

I am rather under the weather at the moment and I need to a clear head to provide an answer to your question.