Problem: Straight dude who others mistake for gay

[TheBathWater]

This has to be the worst problem for a straight guy to have, but it happens to me.

 

I want to know what I can do to be perceived as the sexual orientation that I am, so probably I need to know what I can do to increase my masculinity and eliminate effeminate traits.

 

Height. This is the big one. I'm 5'6" (maybe 5'7" on a good day). Taller guys obviously are perceived as more masculine. This I cannot do much about, unless I want to wear sole inserts, which I'm not a fan of to be honest.

 

Face/Features. My chin/jaw is not very prominent, but I grow out a beard usually to make it look more so. I have a kindness look to my eyes and expression. Sometimes I may look tired too because I work a lot in a job that is emotionally draining, so I don't always exude the masculine confidence guys are expected to show. Some people say I look a lot like James Mercer from the band 'The Shins', but with more hair and a thicker beard.

 

Dress/Maintenance. I am an excellent dresser, which probably influences the perception of my sexuality. However, I don't see much of a way around this. Here's why: being a short guy, you have to wear well-fitted clothes otherwise you look like a little kid if you put on anything baggy. So I do have to dress mindfully. Having said that, I keep things simple - usually nice shoes, designer jeans, a plain t-shirt. Lots of grays, dark blues, blacks, or white. I don't wear any funny patterned designs or whatever. Think Adam Levine. My hairs is sort of like his too. I can't exactly shave my head because it's shaped real funny and my nose is kinda screwed up - so having hair with volume offsets it. Also, I pluck my eyebrows. I know, I know...that is not a good idea, but otherwise I'd have a unibrow and a few really weird hairs that go in wild directions, so I try to keep it up just enough to deal with those areas but I don't shape them or anything. Finally, I will say that I am very athletic and buff, so it's obvious I take care of my body.

 

Speech/Mannerisms. I am very educated, and when I talk, it shows. I'm not a walking library or anything, but compared to most men (and even women), I come off as quite smart. A female friend of mine told me that "once in a while" I talk with a slight lisp. That hurt, as I've been trying to look out for that and apparently it's not going so well. I generally speak with a friendly and calm tone as well (I'm a therapist - so I spend all day doing this and can't help it). I am non-threatening.

 

I don't really know what to do here, guys. I feel like a lot of the fashion choices I make are based on my height, and my grooming is done so my less desirable features are blended in. I can't stop working out because I'll just look like a kid! I try to watch out for the lisp thing that comes once in a while, but I swear I don't come off as flaming or anything. I've been told the gay vibe is subtle, but there. I want to get rid of it but I don't know if I can! I'm freaked out.

[Jabron1]

Embrace who you are, and play to your strengths.

 

That's my advice.

[losangelena]

OP, can I ask why this is such a big problem? I mean, how bad is this misperception? Do men hit on you? Do ppl tell you they think you're gay? What exactly is causing this to be a concern? Does this hinder your life as a straight man? Do women assume you're gay?

 

I gotta tell you, gay men come in a variety of shapes, sizes and styles. Most of my cohort are gay men, and some are flamboyant, and some aren't. Some are well-dressed, and some could care less about what they wear. Some are physically slight, and some are very tall, fit and buff.

 

If you think that trying to make yourself a taller, more poorly-dressed, more dumb-sounding person is favorable to being yourself, simply because ppl may not think you're gay, that's really quite sad. You be you. You sound delightful. It's not an awful thing to be gay, and it's society's problem if you, as a straight man, feel indicted for being seemingly gay.

 

Fwiw, my ex is also a shorter guy, who, despite lifting weight and having a banging body, only weighs like 130 pounds. He too dresses very well, not only because of his job, but because he likes to look nice. Yet, no one has ever mistaken him for gay; he's as straight as they come.

[xxoo]

Sit/stand "big". Claim space with your body.

 

Stand tall. Keep your back straight and your chin up. Look at Donald Trump

 

A little touch of attitude goes a long way.

 

Let your posture and actions say "man". Your clothes don't do that.

[Buddhist]

This has to be the worst problem for a straight guy to have, but it happens to me.

 

I want to know what I can do to be perceived as the sexual orientation that I am, so probably I need to know what I can do to increase my masculinity and eliminate effeminate traits.

 

Honestly if people are assuming you are gay because you dress well..... I can see why people make that assumption because in general straight guys [i've met] display terrible taste in fashion, don't care about their appearance and come off as crass. If you want to start acting like that maybe more people will think you are straight but it would be pretty sad actually.

 

I'm a het woman who will not date a guy who looks and acts like that. Hence the reason why I have only ever dated bisexuals and most of them had preference for men. I agree that it's a ****ty world out there and a lot of that crap is actually perpetuated by women with their "I must date a cave man' attitudes. No advice because I think you sound perfect.

Edited June 11, 2016 by Buddhist

[Buddhist]

Sit/stand "big". Claim space with your body.

 

Stand tall. Keep your back straight and your chin up. Look at Donald Trump

 

DT is a dick and the world knows it.

 

A little touch of attitude goes a long way.

 

Yes it makes you look like a dick.

 

Let your posture and actions say "man". Your clothes don't do that.

 

[TheBathWater]

OP, can I ask why this is such a big problem? I mean, how bad is this misperception? Do men hit on you? Do ppl tell you they think you're gay? What exactly is causing this to be a concern? Does this hinder your life as a straight man? Do women assume you're gay?

 

The misperception is not horrible. Many people wonder about my sexuality when they first meet me but realize pretty soon that I'm straight. But as they say, first impressions are everything, and when it comes to meeting women I don't want to leave any doubt.

 

Once in a while men hit on me. I can tell gay guys are super into me. In one way, I like to think it means I'm pretty hot. In another though, it reinforces for me the idea that women probably have this assumption about me or wonder.

 

The reason this causes me concern is for the same reason a job applicant who needs to improve his interview skills would be concerned. I want the boyfriend position, and ultimately, something long-term potentially with a family. Like a job applicant, I never want to come off as not natural or not me; that's not cool. But if there are things I can do to increase my masculinity where it fits and decrease the gay perception, I'm willing to work on that.

 

Thank you for the compliments though. I think I'm a pretty cool, attractive guy. I may not be hypermasculine, but I don't want to be. I have an edge that I thought works for me, but maybe I need to brush up a little? I don't know. If I were a woman though, I'd f*ck me in a heartbeat

[SOB86]

Dude, I'm 6'3'' lift weights, have a roofer's tan, drink beer, have a beard, and I have a somewhat deep voice and I still occasionally get asked if I'm gay. I've been hit on more times by gay men than women. It's frustrating at times, but what can you do?

[Buddhist]

Dude, I'm 6'3'' lift weights, have a roofer's tan, drink beer, have a beard, and I have a somewhat deep voice and I still occasionally get asked if I'm gay. I've been hit on more times by gay men than women. It's frustrating at times, but what can you do?

 

Well gay men are into....men. You can't be strutting that masculinity stuffs and not expect to attract men who like D***k. If they wanted femininity, they'd be into women.

[carhill]

But if there are things I can do to increase my masculinity where it fits and decrease the gay perception, I'm willing to work on that.

 

If expressive with your face and hands, still that.

 

More erect posture, but not leaning forward with interest.

 

Measured words; listen more.

 

Invest in masculine interests. While undoubtedly they exist, I've yet to meet a gay male at a car show, race track (auto racing) or hip deep in the river fishing, as a few examples. If you show up at the local burger dive in your old truck, smelling of the river and telling a few tall fishing tales from that day, no one is going to think you're homosexual. Even if you were

 

It's OK to do stuff that is traditionally feminine; just don't make it the obvious stuff. Lead with the masculine behavior and aura.

[major_merrick]

A good friend of mine has a problem similar to yours. He's a bit taller (5'8"-ish) but like you he is smart and dresses well. Like you, he grows a beard which makes him look older and more masculine. Mostly, he acts overly "manly." Not to the point of being a jerk, but he is calmly assertive. I joke that he has a "Napoleon" complex because he feels shorter than the other men he works around.

 

Some things he does.... he gets things big. Big car, big truck, big house. He wears black, drives black. He shoots a huge rifle in competitions. When he throws a party, it knocks the socks of anything his friends do. He has a big family - two wives and several small children. After all, procreation is manly LOL. Mostly, he just outdoes other people in size and quantity. Enough to be noticed, but not enough that he seems insecure.

 

I guess the best thing I can say is just overdo the manly part a bit. Overdo, but don't OVERDO. You get my meaning, I hope. My advice might also not be quite what you want - keep in mind this is coming from a lesbian. Hope it helps

[Buddhist]

What I find here is the advice to be 'manly' is hilarious. If you want to attract gay men, being super manly is the way to do it! I lived in a gay community. No-one is more into being manly than gay men are....seriously! Whenever I see a buff and often butch dudes the first thing that springs to mind is.....where's his BF?

 

OP, you should leverage this ability to blend in with the gays, go where they go because I"m serious about this there are lots of single het women there too.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Buddhist

[grays]

I think there are lots of women who like your "type". I was in a relationship w a man for 25 years who admitted that he was "scared of my ass." It's big and he likes skinny chicks. I have been having a ton of fun w men who like big asses. I wish I'd been hanging out with them all along. Seriously, don't try to be something else! You'll be happier if you find someone who digs the real you.

[SOB86]

What I find here is the advice to be 'manly' is hilarious. If you want to attract gay men, being super manly is the way to do it! I lived in a gay community. No-one is more into being manly than gay men are....seriously! Whenever I see a buff and often butch dudes the first thing that springs to mind is.....where's his BF?

 

OP, you should leverage this ability to blend in with the gays, go where they go because I"m serious about this there are lots of single het women there too.

 

This is true. I think a lot of straight people tend to forget that not all gay men are the stereotypical scream queen you usually see on TV/movies.

[thefooloftheyear]

From what you posted, no surprise that you are hit on by gay guys...But why change if that's what/who you are??

 

Just tell them you think that dicks are for chicks....they'll get the idea...

 

But I would like to dispel a lot of mis truths in your post....being short (and you aren't even really short) doesn't require a guy to crutch it with other stuff like a snazzy wardrobe to appear more masculine...

 

You either are or you aren't .....height has no bearing....

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

What I find here is the advice to be 'manly' is hilarious. If you want to attract gay men, being super manly is the way to do it! I lived in a gay community. No-one is more into being manly than gay men are....seriously! Whenever I see a buff and often butch dudes the first thing that springs to mind is.....where's his BF?

 

OP, you should leverage this ability to blend in with the gays, go where they go because I"m serious about this there are lots of single het women there too.

 

Disagree....

 

or let me put it another way...They may have attraction, but are usually too intimidated to make a move, or maybe they got belittled and mocked by an insecure straight macho type, and now know better than to bother..

 

 

To re-iterate, just be who you are and are most comfortable with....If that means you are occasionally hit on by a gay guy, so what? Just state you aren't gay and move on....There is no shame in that...

 

TFY

Edited June 12, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[Buddhist]

Disagree....

 

or let me put it another way...They may have attraction, but are usually too intimidated to make a move, or maybe they got belittled and mocked by an insecure straight macho type, and now know better than to bother..

 

You don't know many gay men do you.....

 

They are men, they don't get belittled and intimidated by testosterone. They get turned on by it. Sounds like you subscribe to the idea that gay men are women in male bodies. Er...no.

[thefooloftheyear]

You don't know many gay men do you.....

 

They are men, they don't get belittled and intimidated by testosterone. They get turned on by it. Sounds like you subscribe to the idea that gay men are women in male bodies. Er...no.

 

 

 

If you think a gay guy gets turned on by being called a bunch of gay slurs and perhaps being threatened.....well..I dont know what to tell you....

 

No, it doesn't matter at all..they love it, right?? .

 

TFY

Edited June 12, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[Revolver]

People have said that about me because they never see me dating or with females