JBJ1977 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 I won't sugarcoat this as I'm not trying to defend my actions, but would like to hear from others that may have experienced similar situations. I have been having a long term affair with a man that I met at a social event. I was at a particularly awful time in my marriage and instead of being smart and an adult about the situation and asking him to go to counseling or just getting divorced, I was a coward and ran from my issues with my husband. I was scared of hurting my daughter with a divorce and have little to no emotional support in family or friends. I now realize that I've made a bad situation one thousand times worse. The man I've been involved with has always expressed his interest in us being together and when we began I really believed and told him I would leave my husband. Fast forward to today, I'm still living unhappily, but cordially with my husband and child. I feel like I'm so far in on this lie of a life I've been living that I no longer know what to do. I know that my husband deserves better than me, hell, so does the other guy. I live in constant anxiety about it all and although nobody but me can rectify this, I was hoping to hear from others that have insight into situations like this, on either side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 You are not the only one in this dilemma. Read the thread Broken. Read the locked thread by lulu bee. These women too cheated on their partners and are now struggling with how to handle their situations. I will start by telling you...there will be many opinions expressed. Take what you need and ignore the rest. The first thing I always recommend is honesty....with yourself and with your spouse. The second is read the books not just friends by Shirley glass and how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald. This is a link to a book I also recommend. Affair Healing: A Manual for Unfaithful Spouses, written by Tim Tedder http://www.affairhealing.com/uploads...-u1_150708.pdf Get your self into therapy to help you figure out your own issues. Talk to a lawyer to find out where you stand legally...should you or your husband decide to divorce. Good luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) I have been where you are. I can say that you will continue to feel like this for as long as two things are happening: You repeat the behavior that stresses you You live in indecision The first step to feeling resolution at least on the horizon is a decision. I'm not saying it'll be easy or the relief is immediate, but if you decide to stay, go, or keep on going as you are, but once you have locked in a decision, you can formulate a plan. Once you have a plan, you have a path. Then, at some point, it will start feeling less like you live under a hammer of constant doom and more like you have a life again. Edited June 11, 2016 by Lady Hamilton 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 A man that would have an affair is not the kind of man to have a any kind of relationship with. Dump your OM. Then go NC with him. Then tell your BH the truth. Then decide together to recover the marriage or get a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I'd recommend that you have some individual counselling, to help you decide what to do. Your current situation is unworkable, so you will have to do something. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I will try to be objective here. Is this other man single ? Do you love this other man? ...or did you realize he was just an escape from your problems and you don't want to leave and commit to him either ? Whats in your heart ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBJ1977 Posted June 12, 2016 Author Share Posted June 12, 2016 Yes, he is single. When it started I was so checked out of my marriage emotionally that I didn't immediately even feel guilty. That didn't last long though. I do love the OM, but scared that because of how we began, that we won't make it through the storm of divorce proceedings. Had I met him when single, I think that I definitely would have chosen him as a partner. I go back and forth with scenarios all day every day. My husband is not a bad guy. He's a terrific dad and he and I actually get along (at the moment) really well in a "I've known you so long that it's comfortable" kind of way. The physical attraction aspect is completely gone for me though. Because I'm an over thinker and a person that always tries to have control over every situation, this has become a nightmare of my own making. I am frozen with fear of the unknown and the possibility of making the wrong choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 From my journal: "Being in love seems much, but is little. The slow discipline of love, seems little, but is much." Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 OP, If you do decide to stay in your marriage, I advise you to make it worth it. Tell your husband what you have told us. Work on finding passion/romance instead existing in the current state of companionate love that you clearly have identified as being emotionally insufficient. We all strive for and desire consummate love. Achieving that state requires both of you working towards the same goal. Do you believe your husband is willing to work on the relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 You say you love the OM. Be honest and leave your H to live with him. You're right, your H deserves better. The OM knew you were married and what he was getting when this began. In my book it means he absolutely deserves you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Any man who doesn't care that you are sleeping with someone else, doesn't care if you get hit by a bus either. Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I go back and forth with scenarios all day every day. My husband is not a bad guy. He's a terrific dad and he and I actually get along (at the moment) really well in a "I've known you so long that it's comfortable" kind of way. The physical attraction aspect is completely gone for me though. Let me tell you that if your husband is a good person, you'll regret all your life leaving him for something that later on will have proven to only be a passing fancy. At the first sign of trouble in a relationship with the OM, you'll run back to your husband for comfort. Affairs follow you long after the decisions seem to have been made. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 As you've found you can't have both for long. No marriage can work with this in it. An affair can only flourish in secret and the dark. Once a light is shown on it what will it be? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 The only wrong choice is no choice. I left my marriage to be with my AP. Ultimately I decided I'd rather risk being with him and it not working out and being alone than stay where I was and hope things would be better. And like you, things weren't bad, but they weren't great. It took awhile to understand "he's a great guy" and "he's a great guy for me" are two different things. Almost a decade later my MM are happily married, content, and very much in love. We don't have trust issues, we haven't cheated again, and we lead a normal existence. We worked our butts off in our relationship and it's not easy at all... There were certainly times we asked if we would make it and not know the answer. It was hard. There are plenty of people who say the opposite... They stayed, worked hard, and they have no regrets over reconciling. Just make a choice and be decisive. If you stay, stay. If you go, then go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 From my journal: Learn to enjoy the ordinary. Ordinary is good. The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else. Come back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) Y. My husband is not a bad guy. He's a terrific dad and he and I actually get along (at the moment) really well in a "I've known you so long that it's comfortable" kind of way. The physical attraction aspect is completely gone for me though. Did you at one point find your husband attractive and love him? Here is an issue I have pondered many times - you often love or become infatuated with someone new. Then you move in together get married, share home, chores, see them sick in the bathroom or at their worst, farting on the couch watching "Empire" On TV with you, your dealing with kids (and or step kids and ex's), time goes by, you get older, maybe put on some weight - "the ordinary" sets in as Satu alludes to in most marriages. Also I assume your single OM has not been a father - and certainly not a step father. Thats a huge thing to take on - often stressful - I know. You OM would have to be a good dad (step) too. Not saying your OM is not the one for you - he maybe - just for you to ponder, whether if your husband is not such a bad guy and a good dad - if you dont try again to make it work. BUt of course if you do - you have to tell your husband about things - and he may not want to stay and work on it. Edited June 13, 2016 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Don't forget the old saying: If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PennyP Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 JBJ1977, I am in a similar situation. My question is are trying to rid yourself of guilt? Link to post Share on other sites
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