Girlfriend dumped me after college

[Nostradamus]

I'm new to the site and needed some advice. So me and my ex have been dating for about 3 years. I met her in college and we were really in love with each other. My ex just graduated but I have another year. Anyway, about two weeks before she graduated she became an emotional wreck. I think it was really hitting her that she was graduating and starting a new job after the summer. Keep in mind that she also has severe anxiety/depression and used to cut herself. I could feel something was off in our relationship. I really tried to comfort her and be there for her but it got to the point where everything in our relationship and life was about to change. A very stressful time. About a week after she graduated that's when she dumped me. She told me that she was entering a new moment in her life and wanted to take things on by herself and be single. She said she still loves me so much but doesn't feel the same way anymore. I am heartbroken. Physically sick. And to make things worse she had planned a trip to Europe after graduation to see her best friend (girl) for two weeks. Well she actually just got back a couple of days ago but those two weeks were a very dark time for me. I felt betrayed that she would put me in that position, I felt completely abandoned. So hurt. Had no idea what she was up to and who she was with and what she was doing but the thought of it all drove me insane. Anyway, I wanted to get some feedback on my situation and see if this is a normal breakup or if something doesn't seem right. After she got back from her trip we talked a little on the phone and she didn't seem upset (happy actually) but mentioned how we could potentially be friends or see each other again sometime soon. I told her absolutely not and just started the no contact. I'm also not sure if she cheated on me, I feel like she would tell me she's very honest but i don't know. Please let me know what you guys think.

[Blanco]

Ironic user name given the reason why you're here.

 

Now that we've got that out of the way, let me clue you in on what's happening here: She's face-to-face with the next major phase of her life. While pretty much everyone in college is technically an adult, that transition from student to the "real world" is an interesting one. You can plan for it, but until it's happening, you don't really know how you'll feel.

 

Some people get anxious about the uncertainty they may face after the relative comfort many years of classes and a structured life provides. That safety net is gone and even if you've got a full-time job lined up, it's still a powerful, emotionally-charged period in a person's life.

 

What I'm saying is that you should take her at face value. It's hitting her that college is over and she's starting the next part of her life. Unfortunately for you, that transition has likely forced her to seriously evaluate her relationship with you. In a lot of ways, her entry into the work world brings sensations of a fresh start. Three years in often a make or break time in a relationship. I would suspect that with her shifting into real adulthood, she's mulled it over and concluded that she doesn't see a future with you.

 

I get that it's tough not to take it personally. Having been in a similar situation, I can just say that you need to accept what she's told you and begin your healing. Friendship is absolutely off the table at this time, and NC is a wonderful idea. She may or may not like that, but this isn't really her call. She's made a decision and that will have certain ramifications; the loss of your presence in her life being the big one.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry for your pain. It may sound strange but perhaps this is a blessing in disguise for you. She sounds emotionally unstable, which is not a great ingredient for a healthy dynamic and relation.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[Nostradamus]

Really good advice. I appreciate it. It hurts when the love of your life doesn't see a future with you. But I understand what you're saying about her entering a new phase in her life. I really wish she saw me in that.

[Downtown]

She became an emotional wreck.... she also has severe anxiety/depression and used to cut herself.

Welcome to LoveShack, prophet and healer (aka, Nostradamus). I agree with ItsPointless that you seem to be describing emotionally unstable behavior. Did you see evidence of such instability earlier or did it occur only in the last two weeks?

 

I ask because her habit of cutting herself is a serious red flag. The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

Please let me know what you guys think.

I think it would be prudent for you to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join ItsPointless and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Nostradamus.

[longjohn]

I hate to say it but most of us have been here at one point in our lives or another. The best thing you can do is get out there, meet other people and enjoy yourself. Remember the good times and forget about the bad ones and push onward in your life.

[Nostradamus]

She's much better emotionally than when we she used to cut herself. Of course I am worried about her but she seemed happy when i spoke to her on the phone. I think she's moved on. I will take a look at your links and respond back. I kind of want to stop thinking about her though and i dont know if worrying about her emotional state would be something i should focus on right now.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Nostradamus

[Itspointless]

I kind of want to stop thinking about her though and i dont know if worrying about her emotional state would be something i should focus on right now.

One time one I have been worried about someones emotional state and one time I have been worried someones state of health. Both times were awful for my own healing: for to heal we need to distance emotionally. It is best to try it though. Perhaps you can try to start to think about why you went into the caring-role with her. It seems perhaps normal to do, but it isn't when it becomes the ground were you relationships is build on.

[elaine567]

She's much better emotionally than when we she used to cut herself. Of course I am worried about her but she seemed happy when i spoke to her on the phone. I think she's moved on. I will take a look at your links and respond back. I kind of want to stop thinking about her though and i dont know if worrying about her emotional state would be something i should focus on right now.

Exactly, she's a young woman fresh out of college, the world is now her oyster and unfortunately she doesn't see a place for you in it. It happens all the time.

After 3 years this relationship was on track to go to the next level - engagement, moving in together, marriage, kids.

She is too young for all that, too young to stop her dating life dead, and for you to be her only partner for life, as that is what she would be signing up for if she continued down that road.

She wants to explore, she wants to find new places, new people and have new experiences on her own, without you.

It is sad for you, but she was just someone you continued down the path of life with for a while, she was not "the love of your life", she was just a girl who ultimately did not share your view of the future.

Grieve, heal and move on to the next.

[Downtown]

The world is now her oyster and unfortunately she doesn't see a place for you in it. It happens all the time.

Yes, Elaine, graduating college "happens all the time." But cutting one's own arms with a razor does not, particularly when it has happened on multiple occasions. The incidence of cutting and other self mutilation is estimated at only 0.5% to 0.8% of the population.

 

Of course I am worried about her.... I kind of want to stop thinking about her though and i don't know if worrying about her emotional state would be something i should focus on right now.

Nostradamus, there is no single path to healing and recovery that works best for every individual. You should do whatever works best for you. If you can simply stop thinking about your exGF and not look back -- as many ex-partners are able to do -- you would be wise to follow that path.

 

Yet, the concern that ItsPointless and I have is that, if you've been dating an emotionally unstable woman for 3 years, you may find it very painful to let go and focus on yourself. As you said, "I felt betrayed that she would put me in that position, I felt completely abandoned. So hurt.... the thought of it all drove me insane."

 

Hence, ItsPointless and I have been trying to address your request for "some feedback on my situation and see if this is a normal breakup or if something doesn't seem right." What you're describing does not sound normal to us, given that you may be describing a woman who still has bouts of emotional instability.

 

I therefore suggest that, if you can simply walk away and stop blaming yourself for the breakup, it is best to do that and start focusing on yourself. If not, I suggest you follow the links I provided. They point to information that may cast a bright light on the "something doesn't seem right" part of your request for feedback.

[elaine567]

Every kid that cuts him/herself does NOT have BPD or even a psychiatric illness. I do not think we have nearly enough info to label this young girl as BPD. As the OP said she used to have severe anxiety/depression, which may be the reason for the cutting as both these conditions are associated with self-harm.

 

How many people who go through a break up are actually emotionally stable? Is not a break up, a prime time for even the most even tempered/stable person to "lose it"?

 

But here we have the report that she is coping fine post-break up , she went on holiday, and seems now to be happy to be away from the OP.

It appears now that it is he who is "losing it".

Should you now not place a label on him?

 

Of course not, he is upset, he has just been dumped, he is allowed to "lose it" just a little bit.

He will grieve, heal and move on.

[Downtown]

I do not think we have nearly enough info to label this young girl as BPD.

True. That's why nobody on this thread made such an absurd claim. There is a world of difference between spotting warning signs for BPD and determining that someone actually has the full-blown disorder.

 

Every kid that cuts him/herself does NOT have BPD or even a psychiatric illness.

True. That's why nobody here has claimed that every cutter exhibits strong BPD symptoms.

 

She is coping fine post-breakup, she went on holiday, and seems now to be happy to be away from the OP.

True. But "coping fine" and being "happy" does not rule out emotional instability. When people are miserable and depressed continually, they are exhibiting consistency, not instability. In contrast, unstable people exhibit strong mood swings. Edited June 12, 2016 by Downtown

[Nostradamus]

I wanted to get your honest opinion because i really appreciated your post. I will definitely stick to no contact and move on with my life after what she's done, but do you think there's a possibility that she may regret her decision and want me back in the future? Has this ever happened?

[OngoingThoughts]

I wanted to get your honest opinion because i really appreciated your post. I will definitely stick to no contact and move on with my life after what she's done, but do you think there's a possibility that she may regret her decision and want me back in the future? Has this ever happened?

 

It has happened. Sometimes relationships reconcile. But they barely hold.. But after a while you will start thinking about if it is really what's best for you. I'm in the same situation as you,only 7 weeks post break up. I'm staring to feel like the relationship wouldn't have made it through anyway because of her instability. Even though weeks ago I was devastated. Give yourself time and your perceptions might change. Time heals a lot..

Edited June 13, 2016 by OngoingThoughts

[Buddhist]

Something doesn't have to be horribly wrong just because someone chooses to exit a relationship. In all honesty it just sounds like she got sick of being in a relationship and wanted to move on from that. I really see no other indicators that anything was 'desperately wrong' here.

 

Did you think that her having depression and anxiety meant she was going to stay with you forever or something? Even people so afflicted can still make decisions that are rational. It doesn't sound like she flipped and out and made a big reactive mistake because she would have come running back if that was the case. I think she made a decision that she actually thinks is good for her. Hence coming back from her trip in a happier place.

[Buddhist]

True. But "coping fine" and being "happy" does not rule out emotional instability. When people are miserable and depressed continually, they are exhibiting consistency, not instability. In contrast, unstable people exhibit strong mood swings.

 

And at what point does a person coming out of depression become 'stable' rather than 'unstable'? I absolutely hate it how every person with either depression or anxiety has the BPD or BiPolar label whacked onto them as if it's a forgone conclusion. Just because a woman wants to break up with a guy while he's still invested does not make her unstable.

 

There's every likelihood that the stressful period she experienced on graduation showed her she can indeed cope. And she is now beginning to feel in control of her life and capable. That can translate into someone now appearing 'happy'. They may not in fact be happy, they may just have more confidence than they did before. It's called personal growth and isn't necessarily 'instability'.

 

Sure if it helps the OP gain distance then by all means project all kinds of psychiatric labels onto your ex girlfriend. If the OP is feeling anxious, worried and unable to cope then those are markers of his own instability not hers. Downtown turns up in just about every thread in which a woman has broken up with a guy and suggests she might be displaying BPD traits, regardless of whether she is or not. He's just fixated by BPD is my guess. Or had a BPD girlfriend that left him and now thinks that's the only reason women ever leave men.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Buddhist

[Itspointless]

And at what point does a person coming out of depression become 'stable' rather than 'unstable'? I absolutely hate it how every person with either depression or anxiety has the BPD or BiPolar label whacked onto them as if it's a forgone conclusion. Just because a woman wants to break up with a guy while he's still invested does not make her unstable.

 

There's every likelihood that the stressful period she experienced on graduation showed her she can indeed cope. And she is now beginning to feel in control of her life and capable. That can translate into someone now appearing 'happy'. They may not in fact be happy, they may just have more confidence than they did before. It's called personal growth and isn't necessarily 'instability'.

 

Sure if it helps the OP gain distance then by all means project all kinds of psychiatric labels onto your ex girlfriend. If the OP is feeling anxious, worried and unable to cope then those are markers of his own instability not hers. Downtown turns up in just about every thread in which a woman has broken up with a guy and suggests she might be displaying BPD traits, regardless of whether she is or not. He's just fixated by BPD is my guess. Or had a BPD girlfriend that left him and now thinks that's the only reason women ever leave men.

There perhaps is a reason why Downtown is doing that, as he only points to certain behaviors many of us exhibit. Specifically nine sorts of behaviors that exist in many people, but if five of them exist together at certain levels we have become used (with the DSM) to call it borderline. Nobody here whacked any label onto anyone. I am a bit surprised people here repeatedly come to that conclusion.

 

I used the term unstable in reaction to some things he wrote about regarding their whole relation, not their break-up. It seems that her way of being is triggering certain behaviors in him resulting in a dynamic that does not seem most healthy. It is important for him to be aware of what he was doing and why. The previous certainly does not exclude the possibility that she is capable of rational thinking or being happy that she is without him now.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Itspointless

[Downtown]

Downtown turns up in just about every thread in which a woman has broken up with a guy and suggests she might be displaying BPD traits, regardless of whether she is or not.

Buddhist, the LoveShack statistics show that, since I joined this forum in June 2010, I've participated in only 618 threads. That constitutes only a small fraction of 1% of the threads started during those six years.

 

In contrast, full-blown BPD affects 6% of the population (see 2008 Study in JCP). Moreover, because it is rare for a BPDer to stay in a relationship with another BPDer, full-blown BPDers are found in nearly 12% of romantic relationships. And this figure excludes those BPDers having strong traits that meet only 80% or 90% of the diagnostic guidelines.

 

Just because a woman wants to break up with a guy while he's still invested does not make her unstable.

As I said above, nobody has made that absurd claim. What ItsPointless and I have said is that the woman's past history of severe anxiety/depression and repeatedly slicing herself with a blade is a warning sign for instability. Indeed, we are not the only ones having that opinion. The psychiatric community lists "self harm such as cutting" as one of the nine symptoms (i.e., warning signs) for BPD. And I provided a link to an academic study that concudes that most women having a history of cutting suffer from BPD.

 

I absolutely hate it how every person with either depression or anxiety has the BPD or BiPolar label whacked onto them as if it's a forgone conclusion.

Nobody in this thread has labeled the exGF as "BPD or BiPolar," as you claim. On the contrary, I cautioned the OP that "learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues" (post #5).

 

If you want to see an example of labels being "whacked onto them as if it's a forgone conclusion," take a look at your 11/7/15 post where you state, "His pattern of behaviour sounds awfully like borderline personality disorder or bipolar." Or look at your 2/22/16 post where you state, "You probably have melancholic depression co-morbid with anxiety."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sure if it helps the OP gain distance then by all means project all kinds of psychiatric labels onto your ex girlfriend. If the OP is feeling anxious, worried and unable to cope then those are markers of his own instability not hers. He's just fixated by BPD is my guess. Or had a BPD girlfriend that left him and now thinks that's the only reason women ever leave men.

[Itspointless]

I wanted to get your honest opinion because i really appreciated your post. I will definitely stick to no contact and move on with my life after what she's done, but do you think there's a possibility that she may regret her decision and want me back in the future? Has this ever happened?

Nostradamus in addition to OngoingThoughts you can ask yourself if it will be the same for you if it would happen? Do you think you are able to fully trust her again?