I'm at fault, but...

[Pinkyleigh]

My story is very long, but I'll do my best to be as brief as possible. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We have three children. One of our children was diagnosed with cancer at a very young age. That was almost 4 years ago. After all of the chemo and all of the recovery, I finally had time to deal with what we all went through. I had a really hard time dealing with it all and instead of going to my husband for help we started to grow apart. Within the last year and a half my husband began to show less and less interest in me. He would turn me down for sex, wasn't interested in talking to me, or spending time with me, and generally made me feel like he didn't love me. I expressed to him several times that I felt this way yet he did nothing to change the behavior.

 

I went on a girls weekend with my best friend (of 20 yrs) in June of 2015 and ended up making out with a guy in his hotel room. (No sex or nudity, or touching of private parts for that matter). While on that trip I felt the desire to escape my life because I didn't know how to handle or manage the grief that I was dealing with from going through what I went through. In September 2015 my best friend and I met up again and this time I met a man who I ended up kissing at the end of the night. We were in a public place and a single kiss was all that happened, but we did keep in contact and chatted over social media until December 2015 when his wife found out.

 

At New Year's my husband and I got into several arguments where he continued to distance himself from me and I mentally shut off from our relationship. I joined two or three dating websites and started chatting with men online. I did not disclose my real location because I didn't want to actually meet up with any of these men, I was just looking for someone to talk to and to get attention from. I also never lied and said that I was single. All of these men knew that I was married and unhappy in my marriage. I was entertained by men telling me that I am beautiful and that my husband is crazy for not wanting me.

 

However I got bored with the websites and stopped using them after a few weeks. I continue to chat with one of the guys occasionally. In February 2016 the man I met the previous September found me somehow and started contacting me again. However I got bored with the websites and stopped using them after a few weeks. I continue to chat with one of the guys occasionally. In February 2016 the man I met the previous September found me somehow and started contacting me again. I told him that "I loved him as a friend, maybe more but I'm not sure". We started chatting again daily and we exchanged sexy pictures via Snapchat.

 

The man that I talked to all of this time gave me confidence, they made me feel good about myself, and I used that new found confidence to try to get my husband to be interested in me. In March 2016 my husband found out about all of these things. I felt relieved that everything was out in the open and that I could finally be myself with my husband again. He knew about all my skeletons and about my secret mental anguish that I had been dealing with alone for so long.

 

I finally felt hope. My husband moved out and we separated for about six weeks. After that we worked things out and he moved back in and we had been doing great up until two nights ago. I was trying to seduce him and he was pretending like he wasn't interested, but he started convincing me that he really wasn't interested and I started to get my feelings hurt like in the past. So I made a comment as if I had already masturbated so never mind and he flew off the handle. He's convinced that he'll never be the man that I want, that he'll never be good enough, that I don't really want him but I want to stay with him because it's easier than getting a divorce.

 

But, I never didn't want him. And I've told him that I always wanted him I just believed that he didn't want me so I was looking for emotional support elsewhere. I know I'm at fault for making the decisions that I did, and he accepts responsibility for the way that he treated me. What I'm concerned about is the way that he treats me when anger flares up. He cusses me out tells me to "get the **** out of his face", tells me to "**** off" etc. etc. should I let him speak to me this way?

 

Should I put up with this form of communication because I "deserve it"? This is the first time that he's cussed me out like this since we were separated. But when we were separated it was on a weekly basis and he did other things to humiliate me as well. For instance, he posted a picture of me in my bra on a private Facebook group to embarrass me. He always apologizes a day or two later and I always forgive him. I'm so racked with guilt for what I did to him that I feel like he's justified in treating me this way. What do y'all think?

Edited June 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShatteredLady]

When a couple goes through such an intense, emotional, stressful, nightmare experience it either pulls them together or pushes them apart. I've read that a lot. In my horrible life experiences I think that even those who pull together do & say some awful things sometimes.

 

Both of you shared your poor child's cancer. I can't imagine what you went through. You were BOTH so emotionally exhausted & depressed after all of those years that neither of you could see that the other needed HELP desperately.

 

I wish that someone had seen it for you both & convinced you to go to MC & specialist therapy to deal with what you'd been through BEFORE so much damage was done.

 

 

Having said that....

 

I can understand a husband being faced with the truth of your devastating betrayals using some horrible language in the heat of the moment. I know that I screamed at my H on d-day & he was frightened!! I'd never lost it like that in 26 years.

 

I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying it happens. BUT you sound like it's more abusive than that.

 

The posting your private photograph is WELL over the line of remotely acceptable behavior. No! No! NO!

[merrmeade]

I am so sad for both of you. I can only imagine what you've been through.

 

When I went for marriage counseling, our therapist said that the pain of being cheated on is second only to the pain of losing a child. It turned out she knew this first-hand. After losing her child, she organized a support group and regional organization for families going through this hell.

 

I think you both need better help than we can give you here. You both have so much pain and you don't know how to help each other. You're doing a dance toward and then away from each other. You hurt so much and you act out inappropriately and none of it can be held against you, but still I do not believe you can get over this by yourselves. You need help finding each other again and becoming each other's help.

 

Please find someone who knows about grief counseling for parents such as yourself and does or works with someone who does couples counseling. You cannot do it without this.

[Cherryz]

Cancer is not something small. THe whole family suffers.

You need to get therapy for you and him and the kids.

 

Its clear that you guys have a very bad communication with expressing your true feelings RIGHT away.

 

Its stupid to cheat on someone and think that everything is nice after few week/months.

Cheating hurts people it breaks trust. And make people angry inside.

And it takes people sometimes even years and years to get over it and some are not able to, and divorce.

 

You spent so much time on surfing the internet to find dating sites and to sign in and to meet all this people and so on, while you could have spent that time communicating with your husband about your feelings and get therapy.

You took a long messy way while you could have just take to steps walk to your husband and get your feelings out once this all started.

 

Only your husband can know what he feels. But it sounds like he still mad about your cheating.

And him posting your nude pics are wrong, him talking bad to you is wrong.

But i think he dont know what to do with his anger about everything. So he trys to get it out true this ways.

 

You guys need a therapist fast so both can learn how to deal with your feelings and communicating and so on.

Also both have to own his part in this so it can work. Did you apologize to him?

You cheated on him, you shouldnt take it to lightly the hurt he feels about this.

 

Please get a therapist and also for yourself get some christian self help books.

And also introduce to him the books.

 

I think you guys will be okay if you put the work and effort and willing to forgive each other.

 

PS: and dont forget to do nice things together. make him romantic dinner in the yard, and so on. So that you guys can bring back the romance and grow to each-other and also to show him that you willing to do your best to gain his trust back and make it work.

[ShatteredLady]

I've lived with chronic pain for quite a while now. I've learnt that it produces the "fight or flight" reactions in our brain & body. Severe stress does the same things. Both (even if reasonably managed) create some major changes in our brains. Having all of those reactions going on becomes our 'normal'. When it's taken away it takes a long time for us to physically, chemically, even our hormones to get back to normal.

 

I'd advise seeing specialists who can also offer medications &/or hormones if necessary.

 

I know that a lot of great, very experienced members will give you fantastic advise on how to get your marriage to the place that you both want it to be. I'm not minimizing your husbands pain in any way. He is shattered. Please read the books & articles that people recommend.

 

You BOTH lived through some impossibly hard years & only you cheated on your H. I don't say that to be mean. I truly feel for you. I believe that you could loose your marriage if you do downplay the significance of what you did. I'm a bs. I know that explanations for cheating can sound very much like excuses & justifications to the raw, reeling bs.

 

I know why my H had his EA. I understand the stresses & pressures pushing him down & the feelings of inadequacy & failure making him weak & open for an adultery adventure.

 

What I'm meaning to say is.... Even if, with compassion & empathy, one can comprehend the experiences that led-up to being vulnerable to cheat it really doesn't help with the agony & utter devastation of the partner who stayed true. Particularly at the start. Please be sensitive to you're husband.

 

You're both hurting so much, it's hard to read. Both of your minds must be in turmoil. I understand how horribly guilty you must feel inside. Please take care of your husband now he's been though even more.

 

 

Not all IC, MC, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc are the same. I think if you find good specialists in your areas your marriage could become truly strong but you BOTH really, really need HELP! The longer it goes on the more that there is to forgive & it makes marriage harder & harder to survive.

 

 

You've made it through so very much together. It would be tragic to loose each-other now.

Edited June 12, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[minimariah]

he isn't justified in treating you that way - especially when it comes to revenge porn, which is illegal and punishable in many states. he's abusing you & not willing to lift his weight - i'd leave.

 

if you're not happy, he isn't doing the work + abusing you because you "deserved it" = leave. he's using his victim card a little TOO well.

 

and make sure he doesn't own any pictures or videos of you; check out revenge porn laws, if he does it again - take him to the court.

Edited June 12, 2016 by minimariah

[Pinkyleigh]

Thank you all for your advice and understanding. Just to clarify, our child has survived the cancer so far. Unfortunately even winning the battle doesn't mean the war is over though. In addition, my husband had an emotional affair with two women 5 years ago. One of which he made plans to be physical with. He changed his mind when he found out I was pregnant with our 3rd.

We have been through so much together that it is almost impossible to see myself without him. We live in a very small town so it will be difficult to find a therapist nearby, but I will most definitely begin the search.

[Jersey born raised]

I have posted the advise to BS that their WS does not define them, their reaction to the adultery does.

 

Your husband should be deeply ashamed of himself. His actions are that of a spoiled child with no idea, or ability to know, the consequences of their action.

His actions are abusive. He needs to grow up and learn to express himself.

 

If he was posting and not you I would advise him two wrongs do not make a right, grow up she is not any of the terms you used it, saying them to her tells me who you are, not her.

[BetrayedH]

Betrayed spouses undergo a range of emotions that are commonly called, a rollercoaster. He obviously loves you, or he wouldn't be with you. But he's going to experience a range of emotions like denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.

 

It's a tough situation for you. His behavior is, to a large extent, predictable. Then again, accepting abuse is not advisable. It's a difficult dance to accept that you created this situation but you must also draw a line. There is no silver bullet solution.

 

Yes, you must accept some outbursts and anger. Do your best to prevent them and to empathize with them.

 

At the same time, you shouldn't accept or tolerate abuse or you run the risk of establishing that this is an acceptable path.

 

From what I have seen, this can escalate until the wayward wife finally says, enough is enough, and draws a line about what is tolerable and what is overboard. Frankly, a marriage counselor is generally good at helping establish boundaries about what is "fighting fair."

 

Some suggested rules might be to agree on things like no violence (even against inanimate objects), no yelling, no swearing, no name calling. My wayward wife and I also agreed to try to structure times to discuss the affair. In the early days it was one hour on Tu/Th/Sa. He probably needs this. We also had a journal that we passed back and forth from our nightstands. I would have a question and she would have time to answer it thoughtfully.

 

Regardless of your claims, your H is going to feel that he wasn't enough. It will take your "consistent actions over time" to convince him otherwise.

 

Reconciliation is a narrow path fraught with landmines on either side and it takes years to get through it. Do you have the patience for that? Does he? Tough questions.

 

Take your child out of the equation. Staying together for the child just sets an example of a loveless marriage for them. Fix the marriage or leave it. Younger children recover more quickly than older children so if you're going to leave, do it sooner rather than later.

 

For what it's worth, I think you can do this. But that advice is worth as much as you paid for it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pinky, what I have gathered from your post is that you dealt with the trauma of your child's cancer and your husband's emotional distance by having an emotional affair. Apparently your husband had already had a couple of emotional affairs before you had ypurs. It seems both of you have been prone to affairs as an escape mechanism from stress and trauma. Although you say that after having gone through so much with your husband by your side and therefore you cannot think of separating from him, the fact is that you two do not really have the resources to cope with the kind of stress you have been through and in future one of you is likely to cheat on the other. In the circumstances it may be better that you separate and co parent your kids. You may not like this but in the foreseeable future both of you may be happier and better able to handle the trauma of your child's illness. This is just my opinion and you may make what you will of it. Warm wishes.

[heartwhole]

You do not deserve to be cussed out or humiliated. That is unhealthy behavior. My husband's affair did not give me permission to become a reckless or destructive or abusive person. I need to act like a dignified adult no matter what the people around me do.

[bathtub-row]

When couples stop having sex, then all bets are off. Anything can happen. Did your husband ever explain why the sex stopped, or was that issue glossed over?

 

I think your husband is abusive and enjoys humiliating you in whatever way he can -- and he does that through sex, verbal abuse, and public abuse. You should probably stop feeling guilty and start filing for divorce. This is not a good man to be involved with. And the sad part is that he's not likely to change.

[Lobe]

Before you start walking down that path to reconciliation, you both need to figure out if you really want to be married. In your case, you need to figure out if he will continue driving you away, making you feel unloved, and posting pictures of you on the internet (which is HIGHLY illegal) because anger and disrespect are not interchangeable. Are you trying to save the marriage because you feel guilt? Because you want to prove you *can* be faithful so that you can break up in a couple of years with a clean slate? Or do you genuinely want to heal your marriage?

 

While you're figuring that out, your BH has work of his own to do. First and foremost, he needs to decide if he wants to heal the pain and continue with the marriage or if the betrayal is too great for him to get past it. If he's just keeping you around to punish you, then you need to get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce, hopefully with a clear conscience knowing that you have acted with integrity and honesty.

 

In the first 3 or so weeks after d-day my WH and I had a war of words. We both said horrible awful things, to and about each other, as we moved past the anger. You husband's words are barbs - I would take back so many of the awful, crass, hurtful things I said if I could. I guess I just wanted him to hurt as badly a I did. Chances are good that he's blaming himself, especially if you had already told him you needed more, which means there's guilt and shame on his part for not doing what he needed then to repair the cracks in the marriage. I felt so incredibly stupid for not seeing the signs - they were ALL there. While I knew it was not my fault and it did not justify the selfish choices my husband made, I knew exactly the part I played in creating the perfect environment to breed an affair and I loathed myself.

 

Have you read Linda MacDonald's book? Apparently I'm not supposed to provide active links but I believe plain text is OK - you'll just have to copy-paste this into your browser to view the free online PDF version. lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf It really accurately pinpoints exactly all of the reasons why you kind of *do* have to put up with the storm - it's an important part of making him feel important, special, loved, valued, and like he is number one. He needs more than seduction to make him feel like you think he's worth fighting for. He needs transparency, consistency, honesty, and apology, especially when he is at his lowest.

 

And trust me when I say as a BS, we are at our lowest. I didn't understand about emotional kibbles - I thought it was about sex - and so I volunteered to participate in BDSM with my WH because he and his AP had dabbled in it. I don't know that I will ever be able to accurately write out how it felt debasing myself like that, trying to fill the OW's shoes by inviting my husband to act out a violent sexual fantasy on me, but I took is a step lower when at one point I offered him an open relationship if he would please just stay with me. I was desperate and had never felt so disposable or undesirable in my life and I felt like even though I was the one who was betrayed, I was lucky he came home, to me, the pathetic loser of a wife who was such a horrible life partner and lover and friend I drove him to have an affair. Your husband? He feels worse than sh*t. You can and should set up healthy boundaries and tell him that you will absolutely not stand revenge porn, but cut him a little slack when he flies off the handle - it's a lot to take in.

 

Get into IC, both of you. MC and FC maybe later, but right now, you both need IC.

 

Hugs to your family.

 

P.S. f*ck cancer

Edited June 13, 2016 by Lobe
trying to plain text the link

[oldshirt]

You two seem to have some serious communication problems and really struggle with expressing your feelings with each other.

 

 

Therapy/counseling can help with that so that you each know where the other stands and you each are able to express your needs.

 

 

However, while being able to communicate and understand each other is critical, it in and of it's self is not usually the cure or the solution. You each still have to 'want' to remain together and you each still have to treat each other decently.

 

 

There is really no excuse or justification for his verbal and emotional abuse of you.

 

 

There really is no excuse or justification for him to deny you emotional and physical/sexual love either.

 

 

If he has lost all feelings and attraction and desire for you, then he should either work with you on how to restore that aspect of your marriage or work out some kind of cooperative divorce or at least some kind of open marriage so you can get those needs met appropriately.

 

 

That being said, you were also in the wrong for your infidelities and if you are to remain together, there is a lot of heavy lifting to rectify that.

 

 

So all in all, there is a lot of damage and decay here that is going to need a lot of work and a lot of heavy lifting to get you back to a good place.

 

 

The first step will be to do some serious soul-searching and determine if you even actually want to. If the answer for either one of you is no, then your energies can be shifted towards having as cooperative and amicable divorce as possible and strive towards as positive of a coparenting relationship as possible.

 

 

If you both wish to remain together and to have a functional, healthy and happy marriage, then you really are going to have to seek some professional help and roll up your sleeves and get dug in for some serious work.

[Miss Clavel]

a bully can't be a victim.

[turnera]

If you're unhappy, divorce. Cheating is a legacy you pass on to your children, in one way or another. Get therapy, ask your H to get therapy, look into separation, but no matter what, stop cheating!

[Liam1]

Thank you all for your advice and understanding. Just to clarify, our child has survived the cancer so far. Unfortunately even winning the battle doesn't mean the war is over though. In addition, my husband had an emotional affair with two women 5 years ago. One of which he made plans to be physical with. He changed his mind when he found out I was pregnant with our 3rd.

We have been through so much together that it is almost impossible to see myself without him. We live in a very small town so it will be difficult to find a therapist nearby, but I will most definitely begin the search.

 

I read your first post and then I found this one.

 

It sounds as if your affair was a reaction to his affair as well as the lack of sex.

 

Also, the fact that he screams in your face is emotionally abusive and likely terrifying to you.

 

Also, as others have noted posting pornographic type pictures of you online is illegal in many states. Please document this.

 

Within the last year and a half my husband began to show less and less interest in me. He would turn me down for sex, wasn't interested in talking to me, or spending time with me, and generally made me feel like he didn't love me. I expressed to him several times that I felt this way yet he did nothing to change the behavior.

According to many marriage counselors refusing sex, without a medical reason, is also considered emotional abusive.

 

If your husband will not go for marriage and infidelity counseling, please go on your own.

 

It will help you make a decision about whether to stay or leave, and you will get an opinion on whether or not the counselor thinks your husband can change for the better.

[Midwestmissy]

We are dealing with a very serious lifetime diagnosis with one of our children. It's rare, so the future is unclear. It's been a year. The treatments are for a lifetime and are costly. Our entire family suffers bouts of ptsd. I know the terror you feel and that sick feeling in your stomach that will never go away, and the pleading with God you do at a hospital bedside. Having to fill out health forms differently has me sobbing - not the quiet kind - in public, it's out of my control. We aren't the same people we were before the illness, there's a constant fear of knowing how close you came to losing a child, how things could have very much ended differently. The smell in the hospital, the needles, the sounds of ambulances - triggers. I cry most days still, his condition is being well managed and he's treated by the best in the world. I read everything I can about his condition, my wh isn't able to do that, he deals with the endless insurance hell, I can't do that. We handle it differently but with the same goal. What we all know us how fragile and delicate life is. Affair pain is unique and so is the pain of helplessly seeing your child suffer. Both are so unfair and so wrong. Unfortunately, one is totally preventable.

 

We all needed and got/get therapy. Processing and accepting the unacceptable requires outside help. Your family has a lot to digest, things coming from all directions emotionally. I totally relate - childhood illness and my h's affair, boy did we dump on our therapists. You need to get help. The hospital can refer social workers, who I'm sure you spoke to at the hospital. Don't delay. View this as a health issue. If you needed medical help, you'd find the time and the resources to help. This stress is a real medical condition which can cause you further health issues later. Or bad decisions you think will numb the pain. And the best we can give our compromised children is our best, healthiest selves. Sometimes focusing on what you got through and your child's well being is enough noise to (pretend to) keep other issues at bay. But they don't go away. Do it as a gift to your kids. I hope your little one's health does nothing but improve and that he/she has a ridiculously happy and joyous and normal pain free life. And that our worry and pain for our kids' futures just dissipates into the clouds and we can feel at ease.

[lemondrop21]

I'm just some stranger on the internet but wanted to send you a virtual hug.((()))

Your story really touched me and I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome may be. You sound like a strong lady who made a series of small mistakes, that are not justifications for someone treating you this way. You don't deserve public humiliation. Take care of yourself and lean on the others in your life who love you.

[Liam1]

In addition, my husband had an emotional affair with two women 5 years ago. One of which he made plans to be physical with. He changed his mind when he found out I was pregnant with our 3rd.

.

 

Sending another virtual hug to you.

 

I hope you find therapist.

 

Your husband needs counseling, too. He sounds emotionally abusive and his yelling in your face sounds as if it may progress to physical violence.

 

Please document these screaming in your face episodes.

[William]

I added some paragraphs to make the original post more readable, redacted some off-topic posts and noted the thread starter hasn't been around in quite some time and, customary with new members, I'll close this up pending their return and desire to discuss further. Thanks for your input!

[Jersey born raised]

If I may sneak one last comment in. I think your husband is under the impression to control you he needs to hurt and scare him. He has a very fraige ego. Be firm and walk away and make sure he needs therapy and if he does not - end it.