I have a boyfriend and I kisssed my ex.

[BlehBlah]

This is going to sound so typically-- I've never cheated on anyone and I never thought I'd be capable of doing it...but I kissed my ex bf while my current bf is out of town.

 

We've been dating for 2 1/2 years and I've never felt more comfortable with someone... he is my best friend and I love him.

 

My ex and I had a weird relationship... we broke up because we weren't mature enough to express ourselves and we just let things fall apart. Throughout the years we went back to each other and we would randomly talk about old times and how things played out but things always seemed unsettled. Until I met my current boyfriend. My ex would sometimes text me to catch up and I would always tell me boyfriend.

 

My currently relationship hit our first big issue about 6 months ago-- I found out he finds random girls on the internet and was exchanging pictures to get off-- he says this is something he did before he met me and it just kind of bled through but when I caught him he realized it was not even close to being worth it for that little sexual gratification. He describes it as a form of porn for him. I forgave him and we've been trying to move on.

 

I took him to the airport and all these emotions about what he did to me came back. We are moving into a new house together and I think I got scared... how do I know he won't do it again?

 

My ex is moving out of state and he had asked if we could get some drinks... I said maybe and always intended on discussing it with my bf if we really did plan to. That's not what happened... I went out with friends and got drunk and then my ex came over. I knew we would be having intimate conversation but I didn't invite him over to kiss him. We talked about old times and he confessed he regrets a lot of his choices and will always love me and la di da... I can't lie and act like it's not a good feeling to know that you mean a lot to someone and still do. I had moved past our relationship but he still seems to have had regrets and maybe that's why. He was my first love and I will always have a soft spot for him-- I think that's normal. I was drunk--yes. That is NOT an excuse. He shouldn't have even been at my house. He kissed me and I kissed him back for a second. Then I cried.

 

A part of me feels like I was subconsciously testing my current feelings and relationship because I have been having these moments of being scared. The guilt I feel is unlike anything I can describe-- I am telling my boyfriend tonight when he gets home. I know I will never even put myself in a situation for something like this to happen again and I know I will never cheat again-- I honestly question who I am because I don't understand how I could have done this.

 

I love my boyfriend and I know some people say these things are sign that the relationship isn't right but I know that we are humans... we make mistakes. I just need some opinions of this. We've both hurt each other but a part of me thinks this is exactly what needed to happen for us to start fresh and make the commitment to do better because love and relationships are work, right?

[Poutrew]

So. Are you going to tell your current boyfriend that the old flame was in the house and kissing you while he was away? Are you going to tell him how this is all his fault for the porn he was into, and that you were just testing your resolve, but to not worry because you 'passed the test' (that's what the crying was for, right?) and wont ever do it again, even though you will 'always have a soft spot for this other man'? Or are you going to not say a word and continue to hold his 'human failing' against him for every little thing you do wrong in the relationship? I think you have a bunch of thinkin' to do before BF gets home, and you probably want to hold off on moving in with him in the meantime...

 

Yeah, deep down, you already know the answer, don't you?

Edited June 12, 2016 by Poutrew

[BlehBlah]

I plan on telling him everything. Of course this isn't his fault-- I'm trying to understand myself and my actions. My point in telling about our first big issue is to try and explain why I might be feeling scared or having these doubts.

 

I think we are both human and I absolutely had no intention on "getting revenge" or using his mistakes as a reason. I made this awful mistake and that was my choice.

 

And when I say soft spot I don't mean any kind of love or lingering FEELINGS. Just that hey, I once cared al ot about this guy and I want what is best for him. This has never been some ongoing thing. The way I love my bf now is completed different than my first love. I don't have the answers... which is why I'm asking strangers.

[smackie9]

You were obviously curious about if you still had any feelings for your ex (Do you???).....this was your way to have closure. TBH you have been still hanging onto this for the last 2 1/2 years or you wouldn't have bothered to let him keep in contact with you. fair enough. so now what.....do you really wish to go to the next level with your bf? I say there are way too many doubts. I agree this is not the time to move in together. If your BF has slipped, he slipped for a reason, and this needs some serious conversations. maybe it's a reality check that it wasn't meant to be, and that neither of you are really ready to take this next step.

[BlehBlah]

No, I definitely don't have feelings for my ex. Again, our breakup wasn't hateful... it was complicated and I can honestly say I held onto it for WAY TOO LONG... all that changed when I started dating my current bf... I honestly had no desire to be with my ex and never wondered about it.

 

Normally I think I would agree with you in that these mistakes could mean we aren't ready but I can't describe my feelings in a way that make sense. It's like a switch clicked in me... I was still having a hard time getting over his mistakes but the second my ex and I kissed it was such a reality check... I KNOW deep in my soul I love my bf yet I still did this awful thing...what does that mean? I don't know-- I want it to mean that I am human too and I made a mistake. I am honest enough with myself and how the world is to know that all love doesn't have to be everlasting, marriage love... if that kiss meant something to me and I wanted to do it again... I would come clean and end it.

 

I honestly feel like we can be stronger after this...is that naive?

[juniorrocha]

BlehBlah, questions:

 

1) If you and your current bf broke up today, would you try again with your ex if there was a chance?

2) If the person who kissed you wasn't your ex, would it have this much importance? Would you have actually kissed that person?

 

That's important for you to answer, because you're saying you don't have any feelings for him but so far you're showing you actually do. Be sincere with yourself.

 

If there's absolutely no way you would go back to your ex, like, there isn't even the slighest possibility, the person who you kissed doesn't matter here, what matters is what's going on with your current relationship.

 

Are you sure you want to move in with your bf? You clearly aren't past the 'porn' stuff. You have doubts, you don't fully trust, and that led you to kiss someone else. You're confused and insecure.

 

The good side about this is that you did something that you think is wrong and you regret it; it was just a short kiss, too. You should tell your boyfriend, but first make sure to yourself that that kiss really didn't mean nothing to you. Else you're only fooling yourself and your bf.

 

Take some time to think about it before taking any action. You should try to find the answers within yourself so then you can be clear about it all with your bf.

[DKT3]

Don't do that, don't blame the "it's not the right guy/relationship" to minimize. You have said it multiple times. This is about you, about boundaries and respect. No matter the state of the relationship or whatever your partner may have or may have not done crossing the line is 100% on you. Be careful with the its not an excuse then hiding behind excuses.

 

Bottom line is you got wrapped up in the moment, you felt a connection from being in a situation you should have never been in. The entire first part of the opening post was minimizing your actions, firmly placing the blame on your bf. In a way what you're saying is if he hadn't done what he did this would not have happened.