tara90 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My husband and i have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old. I feel as though i dont love him anymore. I havent told him that yet but i have told him im not happy in our marriage and he just shrugs it off and doesnt want to talk about it. Because ive been so unhappy i cheated on him with a long time family friend (also my best friends brother!) And i dont feel guilty or any regret. I cant tell him ive done this...im so stuck on what to do....some advice would be great xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Regarding your marriage and the cheating, you had a legitimate complaint but you chose an inappropriate response. Cheating never helps anything. But, that's already done. I guess the most important question is what is it that you really want? By choosing to cheat, were you trying to destroy your marriage? You said that you feel like you don't love him anymore. All of this going on just 3 years into your marriage? How old are you? I am only asking because I wonder if you feel like you don't love him anymore because you miss how it used to feel in the beginning, the butterflies and all of that. It is unrealistic to expect the relationship to stay in that stage forever so I wonder if it's just the relationship that you are not happy with and not your husband. Because if that's the case, you will go through the same exact thing with any new relationships after the honeymoon phase has morphed into the next inevitable phase. Are you familiar with the term limerance? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 When did you start feeling that you didn't love your husband? Was it before or after you met the other man? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 No guilt and no regret. That seems to be a common refrain lately. What would be your ideal resolution to this matter? What do you want to do? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Your marriage is as good as dead. Leave. Be a better co-parent than you were a wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 If the marriage is over then divorce. Cheating never fixed any marriage. If you're that unhappy then divorce. But don't cause more harm by cheating. When you're single and available - then you can date. Proper order is key. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Have you told him what you aren't happy about? If he won't listen have you thought of writing it down and sending to him? Your response to being unhappy isn't that of a mature and sensible person. You either attempt to resolve your issue or at least seperate before you go ahead with having sex with another man. That is never going to solve anything. So if you want to stay married and improve things ..... be proactive... if not then you need to let your husband know that it's not working. Marriage is a serious commitment and hopping into the bed of another man is a lousy thing to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
urmysong Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Regarding your marriage and the cheating, you had a legitimate complaint but you chose an inappropriate response. Cheating never helps anything. But, that's already done. I guess the most important question is what is it that you really want? By choosing to cheat, were you trying to destroy your marriage? You said that you feel like you don't love him anymore. All of this going on just 3 years into your marriage? How old are you? I am only asking because I wonder if you feel like you don't love him anymore because you miss how it used to feel in the beginning, the butterflies and all of that. It is unrealistic to expect the relationship to stay in that stage forever so I wonder if it's just the relationship that you are not happy with and not your husband. Because if that's the case, you will go through the same exact thing with any new relationships after the honeymoon phase has morphed into the next inevitable phase. Are you familiar with the term limerance? Yes seems like relationship is just good for couple of years. Scared to think that we enter new relationship after the first one and eventually the second relationship will be the same like the first one we had. Because honeymoon phase not always. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 You've made a bad situation worse. Tell your husband and divorce. Then you can get involved with anyone you want. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 That's kind of an oxymoron. You have no regrets about cheating on your husband, then You should have no problem telling him! I mean, you're not happy in your marriage? You want out? (probably to be with the guy you've been cheating with) Then, tell your husband what you've done. If your husband as a spine, he'll kick you to the curb and divorce you in a New York minute. Thus, releasing you from an unhappy situation. The fact is you do have guilt. You are guilty and you don't want to be perceived as the "bad guy" in all of this. But, here's the rub. If there's problems in your marriage, you can take the blame for 50% of those problems and your husband can own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating in your marriage is 100% on you! That's a choice YOU made. Not your husband. If you want out then fine. But, tell him what you've done. It would be selfish and cruel on your part not to. You would leave him forever wondering what HE did wrong to cause the demise of the marriage. Always wondering what HE could have done differently. And that's not fair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 A man that cheats with you will eventually cheat on you. Dump your OM. Then tell your BH the truth and together decide to recover the marriage or get divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 9/10 married women who come here after/while cheating always blame the marriage/husband for them cheating. They don't grasp that getting involved with another man will change the way they view the husband, it becomes easy to say I don't feel in love with him because it makes them feel better about themselves for doing a horrible thing. I've got to the point of taking it with a grain of salt. The lack of guilt is also common because the cheating is being justified either by changing the history of the marriage or simply though entitlement. As long as you have not been caught then the affair at this point is all good. You get to go off and have excitement and still nCome home to a family life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 How old are you and your husband OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Hi OP, just what do you want people on this forum to tell you? What a smart, gets what she wants and does'nt care two figs for the people she hurts along the way kind of woman, or somebody who is more human and cares for the people in her life. I bet you couldn't care less about the guy you cheated with and he will soon be disappearing in your rear view mirror as you venture forth to make new conquests. What about your kid? Do you care a fig about him/ her or it the kid just collateral damage. If you don't love your husband it's simple. Just tell him and tell him you are getting a divorce. From the way you have written you seem to be a SAHM with plenty of time on her hands to be able to cheat on the guy who puts the bread and butter on the table and provides a roof over your head with the luxury of having nothing else to do except get into bed with the first available guy ready to jump in with you. Even assuming you don't feel guilty about cheating on your husband at least have the humanity to let him go find another who will love and cherish him the way he deserves to be. For the rest brst of luck with your journey through life. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 9/10 married women who come here after/while cheating always blame the marriage/husband for them cheating. They don't grasp that getting involved with another man will change the way they view the husband, it becomes easy to say I don't feel in love with him because it makes them feel better about themselves for doing a horrible thing. I've got to the point of taking it with a grain of salt. The lack of guilt is also common because the cheating is being justified either by changing the history of the marriage or simply though entitlement. As long as you have not been caught then the affair at this point is all good. You get to go off and have excitement and still nCome home to a family life. This ^^^^^ People confuse the chicken with the egg. People often think they have fallen out of love with their spouse and think that the marital problems and lack of connection have driven them into the arms of another man. But it's usually just the opposite. The attraction for the OM causes them to question their marriage and their growing attraction for the OM causes them to lose attraction and connection with their H. Once they hit it with the OM, then they are in an infatuation stage with the OM and their subconscious rewires their brain so that they rewrite their history with their H so that they feel they were never in love with the H and that the OM is their true soulmate. It's a false reality and is called the "Affair Fog."It's how their subconscious mind justifies the affair. The reality is there was nothing insurmountably wrong with the H or the M. It is just how their brain, justifies the affair. The fog gets lifted real fast when the BS discovers the A, calls out the WS for their actions, exposes the A to OM's partner and exposes the A to friends and family and separates from the WS and files for divorce and all of the realities of the situation come crashing down around the WS. Once the WS is scrounging for a quick and cheap apartment to move into and are scrambling for a lawyer to protect their assets and their relationship with their children and then once the OM throws them under bus doesn't want all this drama and effort ...... then it all comes crashing down around the WS.. .....and then is when the remorse kicks in. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My husband and i have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old. I feel as though i dont love him anymore. I havent told him that yet but i have told him im not happy in our marriage and he just shrugs it off and doesnt want to talk about it. Because ive been so unhappy i cheated on him with a long time family friend (also my best friends brother!) And i dont feel guilty or any regret. I cant tell him ive done this...im so stuck on what to do....some advice would be great xx Why are you unhappy? Have you requested counseling? Did your spouse repeatedly refuse? Are you unhappy enough to divorce? According to psychologists the majority of women typically have affairs when they are unhappy in the marriage. If you are unhappy enough to divorce, what is holding you back? If it is lack of a career, a wife can typically get rehabilitative alimony after a divorce so you can re-school, and your spouse will still have to pay child support. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I feel as though i dont love him anymore. I havent told him that yet but i have told him im not happy in our marriage and he just shrugs it off and doesnt want to talk about it. Did you tell him that if things didn't get better you would get a divorce or find a man that could make you happy? That might have shaken him into action. You dropped a nuke without telling him that there was a war. I agree 100% with DKT3 but lets say that you are correct. Your marriage was bad. Well having a affair made it even worse. Even if he never finds out the affair did damage. If he does find out it will make it much harder to get along. You need to divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My husband and i have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old. I feel as though i dont love him anymore. I havent told him that yet but i have told him im not happy in our marriage and he just shrugs it off and doesnt want to talk about it. Because ive been so unhappy i cheated on him with a long time family friend (also my best friends brother!) And i dont feel guilty or any regret. I cant tell him ive done this...im so stuck on what to do....some advice would be great xx Really, you don't know what to do? Tell the poor fool of a husband that in total disregard of your marriage vows you basically flipped him the bird and hooked up with the family friend that you really have always loved. Really, is it so hard top get a divorce before you sleep with another person. If you don't love your husband anymore. 1. Leave and get a place of your own. Your the one breaking up the marriage, you need to leave. 2. File for divorce. 3. Go on your happy way. That is how simple it is. But no, you had to betray your husband. Are people really this callus to others feelings that they don't care who they grind up into little pieces as long as they satisfy themselves. And of course it is the betrayed spouses fault that the cheater cheated. Men or women, it doesn't matter, they always blame the BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My husband and i have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old. I feel as though i dont love him anymore. I havent told him that yet but i have told him im not happy in our marriage and he just shrugs it off and doesnt want to talk about it. Because ive been so unhappy i cheated on him with a long time family friend (also my best friends brother!) And i dont feel guilty or any regret. I cant tell him ive done this...im so stuck on what to do....some advice would be great xx If you don't regret it and don't feel guilty, why can't you tell him? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I have been married twice. I was way too young, just 22, my first marriage didn't even make it two years. I don't even count it as a marriage. She left me because she wasn't happy. Initially it was to take a break from each other just to see how we both felt about each other. After a month apart I learnt she was fu*king her boss and an airline pilot and she started a week after she moved out on her own. I think she was banging her boss before she left me. She has never stopped trying to contact me and it has been over 25 years. She lives in Vegas, I live outside of Calgary in Canada. She realized that the grass was not greener on the other side and from what I have been told by mutual friends had made the biggest mistake of her life. Too fu*ken bad, so sad because to me she was forever tainted. I discovered having sex with other women was a lot more fun then with her, I divorced her. Don't bet your future happiness on a fantasy, spend time on your own before you decide. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Hi Tara, I cannot seem to comprehend how, just in three years time you have fallen out of love with your husband. Did you ever love him at all? How long did you know him before your marriage and how long did you date him? Did you just mistake infatuation for real love? Were you under any kind of pressure to marry him that forced your hand? Your story sounds very improbable considering the short time of your marriage. A three year period should, by rights, still be the honeymoon period for a marriage. Just been wondering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jofor Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I am sorry you are feeling unloved. Im sure it hurts even more coming from someone who is suppose to show you love. Do you feel as though you love youre husband? I do mean feel, because I think love is more than a feeling. Love is a decision sometimes as well. Deciding to love even when we dont feel loved is maybe what real love is! Its easy to love others when they are showing love to us. Its hard, but it can have amazing impact, if we show love to some one who might not deserve it. My opinion- show love to your child, show love to your husband, keep doing it long term you'll be happy you did in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I think it was brave of you to post. You will of course get some tough love. Your cheating happened - now focus on figuring out why you did it. Longing for affection? Did you want your husband to find out so that things would blow up? Do you want to attract your husband's attention, or drive him away? Are you test driving what it's like to be single again? And so on. It sounds like the man you slept with isn't actually that significant in the equation, unless I'm mis-reading. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 My wife got involved in an affair 90 days after our wedding, at a time when things between us couldn't have been better or closer or more fun. I honestly wish she would have just left me right then. If I found out about it while it was happening, I would have gotten an annulment before the ink on our marriage license was dry. But... I found out 10 years, 3 houses, 1 more affair, and 2 children later. And now it's something we have to deal with for the rest of forever. Link to post Share on other sites
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