Are we friends or are we more?

[justjord]

About 6 months ago I went through a painful breakup with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years (she dumped me - if relevant). A few months prior to this I had just became really good friends with this girl and we really hit it off. Everyone we knew seemed to notice this unspoken chemistry between us and talk about it. I can't say I didn't notice that spark and she gave me all those feelings BUT I just thought it was a 'grass is greener' thing where me and her only seem so good because my current relationship was older and less exciting. So I worked hard with my, at the time, girlfriend, however a few months later she finished with me after she found herself in a similar situation infatuated by this new guy. So we broke up.

 

After we broke up I felt pretty bad and this new girl was one of the people I leaned on during this time. She was always great to me and we got on so well. BUT something seemed different when I was actually single. She distanced herself from me. Other people had picked up on this and her friends seem to think she was scared of getting deeper feelings for me due to her previous relationship experiences and resistance to romantic situations. I soon realised I did like her quite a bit but let her remain distanced and tried to be her friend from afar. Since I have become single I didn't want to jump into anything with her or anyone because didn't want to 'rebound'. It has definitely become clear to me that I do really like her though.

 

The problems seem to stem from her (gay) best friend feeling very insecure about mine and her relationship. I think he has manipulated the situation in her eyes to keep her and me from being close. I have spoken to her a little bit and she seems to realise that he is quite manipulative (although she hasn't clicked this is the case with us - I haven't said anything about us - just him). We all went on holiday last week and had a lovely time! BUT this friend of hers clearly had a bit of an issue with me, it led to me and her not really talking in the way we once used to. Although there were glimpses of it. It is possibly a self-fulfilling prophecy BUT I do notice a lack of engagement with just me and lack of eye contact problem (she never looks at me directly - whereas when she speaks to others she always does). There were also these subtle mentions of other guys but in a really strange way like she wanted me to know and get my attention.

 

People have said to me that there definitely used to be an attraction and our personalities were magnetic to each other. Is it possible that she liked me (maybe still does a bit) but is almost scared of being vulnerable or perhaps being second best because I tried to make things work with my ex? Or where I never made a move immediately after my ex she has assumed I'm not interested. This probably sounds like some immature tangled teenage mess but honestly it isn't and the change is definitely real. Of course the other obvious possibility is she isn't actually interested in me at all.

 

I'm just looking for some advice on what to do, should I just continue to back off and let it play out. Or should I be looking to take her aside and speak about it. The outcome I most desire is to be as good friends as we used to be anything else would just be a bonus.

 

Thanks for reading this. Any advice or interpretations would be appreciated. If you require any additional information let me know.

[salparadise]

Is it possible that she liked me (maybe still does a bit) but is almost scared of being vulnerable or perhaps being second best because I tried to make things work with my ex? Or where I never made a move immediately after my ex she has assumed I'm not interested.

 

Of course we can't say definitively what's in her mind, but I'm guessing that it's some combination of her being afraid of vulnerability, not wanting to betray her gay friend (who is probably jealous and by expressing his dislike for you has turned it into a dilemma for her), and barrier created by having first established a platonic friendship and not wanting to lose that should it not flourish.

 

Her being unable to make eye contact with only you indicates some type of dissonance within.

 

I'm just looking for some advice on what to do, should I just continue to back off and let it play out. Or should I be looking to take her aside and speak about it. The outcome I most desire is to be as good friends as we used to be anything else would just be a bonus.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You're going to have to decide whether to try to date her, or to remain friends and not risk it. It's not a given that you'd lose the friendship if you tried to date and it didn't work out, but it's a risk.

 

Either way you're going to have to figure out how to get this jealous gay friend out from between you. I don't really have a solution to that. One possibility is to talk to her openly and ask her if he's trying to squeeze you out of the picture and why she's avoiding eye contact. I don't think you have anything to lose by delving into that part.

 

If you're going to try to date her, take her on dates and quit hanging out with her and the gay guy.

[tndawg]

I think you answered your own question. Sit down and talk about her "eye to eye." Tell her you want to be friends. Let her talk. Listen. Communication is always the key to any relationship.