My ex hates me because I slept with someone else after our break up!

[Emzy-1234]

Hi everyone

 

This will be a long post so apologies in advance. I'd like to hear if you have similar experiences and if you have any advise for me!

 

Me and my Fiance were together for 8 years, our wedding was all booked for this August. He suffers with anxiety and depression and things were really tough at times. But we had a good relationship, we were loyal and mostly loving to each other. He wasn't happy in himself and hadn't been for a long time. I love him so much and I couldn't wait to be his wife. We are perfect together and always got through the hard times together. We were a solid unit and I thought we were unbreakable.

 

About 8 weeks ago I came home from work and he decided to end our relationship. I was heartbroken and had so many unanswered questions. He left without answering anything. It was so out of the blue to me, I was so confused. He then contacted me 1-2 weeks later and told me that the reason he ended it was because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy anymore, he said he could never be in a relationship with me or anyone again as he doesn't think he could be responsible for someone else happiness again. Absolutely broken! he killed me.

 

That gave me some closure and allowed me to start to move on. I loved him deeply but the fact he didn't love me any more killed me and i couldn't fight for him because of that.

 

We had small amounts of contact after that due to us owning a house together so needed to sort a few things. He was completely cold and only talked about the issues in hand. He never brought up feelings and acted like we were mere acquaintances.

 

I decided to cut contact with him because it was breaking my heart with every cold text I got. Then my nephew got ill and my grandad and it was too much, he was my best friend for 8 years so i decided to talk to him. He was still acting very cold with me and just sent is warm regards.

 

He told me he was struggling with his anxiety and asked for some help. We met up and it was nice to see him again. But it did feel like were were just friends to him and nothing more. He gave no indications we'd ever be together again. So I accepted that fact.

 

So, I started to move on and went on a few dates with one guy. On the third date with him I stupidly slept with him. I let myself go for once on my life and at the time it felt good.. the day after though I felt completely crap. I miss my ex so so much and i knew the sex was a huge mistake. I guess I did it because I was hurting so much and missed the feeling of being close to someone. But obviously it wasn't the same and made me feel worse. I felt so guilty because this is the first time i'd ever done something like this and he was only my third sexual partner. I'm 26 btw.

 

About a week later my ex contacted me and told me he wanted it all back, he misses me and just wants to forget what's happened. He then proceeded to tell me he kissed a girl the morning on the day we broke up. I was heartbroken all over again! He told me they kissed at work and it was a huge mistake. So I forgave him and then told him i slept with someone, i felt i had to tell him if we were going to have an honest relationship again.

 

Well, he flipped his lid, he told me he hates me and wil never EVER be in a relationship with me ever again

 

The next day he told me that he kissed the girl, not at work, but in our house right after i left for work that morning, he then kissed her 4/5 more times over the course of a month after we broke up. This KILLED me. He's a hypocrite and a liar. I feel like he ended it with me to be with her. Yet I still want to be with him, he says that can never happen now after what i've done. He thinks that just because all he did was kiss her that it's somehow not as bad as what I did. He was also texting her alot and developed feelings for her whilst we were still together.

 

I'm broken and I feel like I'm the one in the wrong. He won't answer texts or calls. I think I need to accept that it's over for good now. But it really feels like my fault.

 

I have already forgiven him for cheating and kissing this girl, and I know that if he's willing too then we could work through this together. We can rebuild the trust that was lost by him and we can be happy again.

 

I love him so so much. I want him back, but I don't know if that's possible if he hates me!

 

Do you think it's really over? do you think he really hates me?

 

He wanted it all back until I said that. I hope he'll move past the pain he's feeling and still want me back after a bit of space. IDK I just don't want to believer that our 8 year relationship is over yet. I gave him the wedding rings as he paid for them so will need to take them back. He said 'I don't want to go back to that shop :'( I just had a flashback of getting your engagement ring from there '. I kept trying to make him see I wanted him but he just said 'If this is it, then let it be it'. So he is clearly sad that it's over too. I don't want it to be over.

Thanks

Edited June 13, 2016 by Emzy-1234

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your ex is very manipulative.

 

By his own admission, he was emotionally and physically unfaithful to you. He ends the relationship and gives you every reason to believe he doesn't want anything to do with you. You therefore also had every right to date and sleep with whomever you wanted. Do not let him make you feel guilty for that. You owed him nothing.

 

You know why he suddenly had a change of heart? I'll bet any money it's not because he realized he loves you, but because the other woman has rejected him. Now he's throwing a tantrum because his crush doesn't want him and he realized you began the moving-on process too.

 

Sorry, but I would laugh in his face. How dare he demand loyalty when he doesn't give it himself? He's a clown. He admits he developed feelings for and kissed someone else while you were still together - and you want him back? Oh, hell no.

 

Girl. Stay away from him. One day you will be glad you didn't marry him. He's not boyfriend material, let alone husband material. I gather you don't have much experience with other men, given your age and the length of time you were together. But when you start to respect yourself more (ie. by kicking this tool to the curb) others will too, including men. Your ex just doesn't, at all.

[Emzy-1234]

You know why he suddenly had a change of heart? I'll bet any money it's not because he realized he loves you, but because the other woman has rejected him. Now he's throwing a tantrum because his crush doesn't want him and he realized you began the moving-on process too.

 

The girl he kissed has a bf and they've been together for about 7 years, so she cheated on her bf too. My ex tells me he loves me and wanted it all back but then he also says that him and this girl argued because he didn't know where he stood, he was made to feel good and then ignored all the time. I really believe it was a mistake on my exs part and he really did want me back.. Am I a fool!?

 

I feel like crap! I want him back so badly. But to be honest you are saying the exact same thing my friends are!

[Tayla]

Sorry for the pain that you are each enduring.

 

Contact a lawyer to settle on the House since its both of your assets.

 

While the new concept is to get back out there and date others , I tend to think there are times to not date and get used to the single lifestyle. This includes refraining from intimacy til the healing is done from your former relationship loss.

 

I hope you find the support you need here. Welcome to LS.

[Emzy-1234]

I can't even think about the house right now. i love that house and we only moved in, in December. He is now refusing to pay any bills due to the fact that I slept with someone else. So it's now my responsibilty. I am going to see if i can afford it on my own and try to stay living there.

 

I never intended to find someone new so fast. I didn't plan it, it just happened! I felt good for a couple weeks. But I most definitely won't be doing it again until I am over this heartbreak!.

 

Thanks

xx

[PegNosePete]

He is now refusing to pay any bills due to the fact that I slept with someone else.

Is his name on the lease / mortgage? If so, he may not have a choice. Most mortgages or tenancy agreements don't say "you must pay X unless your partner sleeps with someone else after you split up". The landlord/bank won't care 2 hoots who slept with whom. They just want their money, form the person named on the contract.

 

ExPat is right, he is a manipulative nasty piece of work who cheated on you and is now blaming all his problems on the fact that you moved on. Yet you want him back?? He is a hypocritical fool and you need to wake up and smell the coffee here.

[salparadise]

Sorry for the pain you're suffering over this. There are a few facts that you need to put in order, and hopefully it will help you to feel a little better.

 

First, he was cheating while you were together, he broke up with you because he wanted this other girl, and he only came back to you when it became apparent that she wasn't going to jump into a relationship with him. He tried to monkey-branch on you and it didn't work... then all of a sudden he's got feelings and wants you back. Do you really want that? What do you think will happen the next time some hottie looks his way?

 

Contrast that with what you did... you dated someone after he broke up with you and left for the other girl. You weren't together when you had sex with the other guy. He had no claim on you at the time. It WAS NOT cheating. He had no right whatsoever to expect fidelity after he had ended the relationship. It's not your fault, and you did nothing wrong. He's a dumbass.

 

Now he's laying a guilt trip on you and trying to make you feel like it is all your fault. It's not, he's wrong. Explain that to him if he ever tries to shame you again.

 

Like the others, I think you probably dodged a bullet here. I think you need to take some time, lots of time actually, grieve the loss of the relationship, and move on with your life. You should be angry for what he did to you, not feeling regretful and guilty.

 

And lastly, you didn't owe him a confession. The two of you were not together at the time, and that was because of his actions - not yours. However, as things have worked out, I think you actually benefited from telling him because now you know what kind of person you're dealing with... one who will cheat and then come back expecting you to forgive and forget, but who will not do the same for you even though what you did wasn't cheating and resulted directly from his transgression.

 

You should be done with this guy. Feelings take awhile to catch up with cognitions. Lay all of this out rationally and wait for the sadness to subside. You probably will become angry at some point. Take a break and aim higher next time around. This is your opportunity to grow. When you're ready date enough people to understand what kind of person you want to spend your life with.

[Tayla]

well as I said, contact a lawyer. Definitely stay since its your asset too. I am assuming you have a mortgage? Who's name are the utilities in? That is the responsible person.

 

Give yourself a few days to re-group, yet I highly suggest that any neglect to the financials will come back in droves to haunt the responsible party.

 

Neither of you are marriage material, the behaviors indicate that. Its a silent sign ...listen to it. You are hurting right now, in time it will heal...

[anika99]

How in the world is it your fault that your ex cheated on you and then heartlessly dumped you out of the blue? I suspect he did a lot more with that girl then just kiss her but he will never admit it because he wants to pretend he's got the moral high ground and that he is better than you.

 

 

It would have been different if when you two broke up you came to some sort of understanding that he just needed some time to think and that you possibly might reconcile in the near future. Then it would have been wrong for you to hook up with someone else but as he just went cold on you and everything he said and did indicated that he was done. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel guilty.

 

 

I know you are hurting but I actually think you are better off without this guy. For one thing I seriously doubt that he only kissed that girl. I think he left you to be with her and if that's the case it's pretty certain that he had sex with her, if not before the break up then right after, which makes him a lying hypocrite.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I would follow another poster's suggestion and consult an attorney about the bills and house. Find out what your rights are, and what your ex can or cannot do in terms of refusing to pay.

 

And you need to quit trying to justify sleeping with someone else. You are single and can do whatever you want. The only person you need to answer to is yourself. Your ex get zero say and the fact that he is holding that over your head and using that as a reason to withhold payment is disgusting.

 

Has he always been this much of a jerk? I would not give this person the time of day. You shouldn't either. He is rude, dishonest, emotionally abusive and should have no part of your life. Don't be fooled into thinking he loves you. He doesn't. He told you himself the reason he came back... the other girl didn't want him and he figured you were a convenient back-up. You're not loved. You're being used.

 

I wouldn't believe it only went as far as kissing. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he had sex with her and is projecting on to you to deflect guilt and responsibility.

 

You need to enforce much stronger boundaries and stop allowing him to bully you.

[Methodical]

What did he expect? That you'd become a nun and never date or have sex again? That's preposterous. I think you are right, he broke up with you to see the other girl and she wasn't all that and a bag of chips. He puts himself atop a pedestal bc he didn't have sex but kissing and getting intimate was fine, huh?

 

Now he is on the rampage bc instead of sitting home alone and depressed, you explored different opportunities. He is butt hurt and that is on him, not you. Don't allow him to manipulate and dictate your life. He is a hypocrite and liar. His actions were premeditated, your actions evolved. Think about that.

[salparadise]

I can't even think about the house right now. i love that house and we only moved in, in December. He is now refusing to pay any bills due to the fact that I slept with someone else. So it's now my responsibilty. I am going to see if i can afford it on my own and try to stay living there.

 

If both of you are on the mortgage then you are both responsible. If the mortgage doesn't get paid in full it will ruin your credit too. If you're both on the deed then he is an equal owner and will be gaining equity even though he isn't paying. He will also have other rights (although not rights of occupancy) that you don't want to have to deal with any longer.

 

Since you've only been in the house a few months there is probably little equity unless you all put a lot of money down. You could buy him out for a small amount if he's agreeable, but if he wants to be difficult you may have to go to court to get things separated. What will happen is that you will refinance in your name only, and he will sign a quit-claim to have his name removed from the deed. If he won't agree to a reasonable settlement, a judge will have to decide on the amount of the buyout. This may depend largely on how much each of you contributed to the down payment.

 

The problem is that as long as you're paying the mortgage he has no particular incentive, other than the small amount of money he may get in the settlement, to do anything at all. The cost of refinancing is probably more than the equity in the house (unless you put a lot down).

 

Definitely consult a lawyer asap. If you can have him served with papers and offer him some cash at the same time, it may be enough motivation to get his cooperation. Alternatively, he will have to hire a lawyer as well, in which case only the lawyers win.

[broodneach]

I agree that what he did, the cheating, is worse than what you did, the not cheating. That said, it can be hurtful when one party seems to move on incredibly quickly, especially regarding physical intimacy, and the other party feels they haven't moved on at all. How long after the breakup was the sex?

[anika99]

I agree that what he did, the cheating, is worse than what you did, the not cheating. That said, it can be hurtful when one party seems to move on incredibly quickly, especially regarding physical intimacy, and the other party feels they haven't moved on at all. How long after the breakup was the sex?

 

 

But he's the one who moved on quickly. He's the one who coldly ditched the OP just months away from the wedding, tore her heart out and stomped it, tossed her out like yesterday's news just so he could go chase some strange. He can feel whatever he want's but I have no empathy for him whatsoever. It was he who crushed the OP, not the other way around.

 

 

OP I know you want him back but I hope for your sake that doesn't happen. He's a jerk and he doesn't deserve to have you back.

[DKT3]

I don't buy his second story, I think the first was the truth the second was to hurt you because he was hurt because you slept with someone else.

 

I understand the guilt even though you did nothing wrong.

[Emzy-1234]

I agree that what he did, the cheating, is worse than what you did, the not cheating. That said, it can be hurtful when one party seems to move on incredibly quickly, especially regarding physical intimacy, and the other party feels they haven't moved on at all. How long after the breakup was the sex?

 

the sex was 5 weeks after. And WAY too soon! I feel disgusting!

[Emzy-1234]

I spent the whole evening with him last night.

 

We spoke about everything, we reminisced too. He says he loves me.. he never stopped. He just can't be with me because he can't get the image of me and the other guy out of his head.

 

I need to let him move on now. The last thing I said to him was that I love him. I doubt I'll hear from him again :'(

[ExpatInItaly]

I spent the whole evening with him last night.

 

We spoke about everything, we reminisced too. He says he loves me.. he never stopped. He just can't be with me because he can't get the image of me and the other guy out of his head.

 

I need to let him move on now. The last thing I said to him was that I love him. I doubt I'll hear from him again :'(

 

That would not be a terrible thing.

 

He's a manipulative jerk. Where is your self-respect, girl??

[Emzy-1234]

When I was with him last night.. he kept on telling me how much he wanted to kiss me. He always hated seeing me upset and would always kiss me to help me feel better. He said he wants nothing more than to kiss me and show me his love.. but he can't, he can't get the imagine of me with someone else out of his head.

 

He told me he never stopped loving me. He told me he misses me and he will miss me.

 

He starting therapy today to help him through the pain he's feeling. He couldn't stop crying because he couldn't stop thinking about what I had done. Every single thing we talked about came right back around to what I had done.

 

I hate seeing him so down and depressed. I tried to comfort him when he was crying but it made him worse.

 

When I left he could tell I wanted to kiss him but he just said 'I can't do anything', I said 'I love you' and left.

 

This whole thing sucks.. it seems like he really wants me back but because of what i've done it'll never happen.

 

I'm kind of hoping therapy will help him get over it. But i'm not putting too much hope on it. If he truly loves me like he says he does then he will be back.

 

[PegNosePete]

YOU need therapy. You are letting this manipulative idiot walk all over you. He is the one who cheated yet you are allowing him to blame you for all his problems, when you did nothing wrong. You need therapy because you have no self respect or self esteem or self worth. If you did, you would tell this douche nozzle to take a long walk off a short plank.

[Emzy-1234]

YOU need therapy. You are letting this manipulative idiot walk all over you. He is the one who cheated yet you are allowing him to blame you for all his problems, when you did nothing wrong. You need therapy because you have no self respect or self esteem or self worth. If you did, you would tell this douche nozzle to take a long walk off a short plank.

 

I guess I'm just finding it hard to let go of our 8 years together and our engagement. I miss everything about him and our relationship and where it was headed.

[PegNosePete]

Where YOU thought it was headed, is clearly very different than where HE thought it was headed.

 

It was headed to him having sex with another woman.

[Emzy-1234]

Where YOU thought it was headed, is clearly very different than where HE thought it was headed.

 

It was headed to him having sex with another woman.

 

He didn't have sex with her.

 

He felt un appreciated and pushed away by me. and rightly so! I can 100% see why he did it. She was making him feel attractive and wanted, which is what i was failing to do.

 

He told me last night he still wants marriage and kids but that it can't be with me.

[DKT3]

I see him as being manipulative, I can attest to the split feelings he is going through. He feels like you cheated on him, me or most here don't see it that way. I don't think you did anything wrong. But we aren't your bf.

[SoleMate]

He told me last night he still wants marriage and kids but that it can't be with me.

I wish he hadn't spent all evening with you just to deliver that message......it could have been done in a text. I know it takes a while for your heart to break free, give yourself time.