Not going to cheat, but I enjoy flirting....is this guy flirting too?

[beachgurl2]

Dump your bf.

 

Go stay with family or friends. Get a plan to get work and start being independent.

 

Regards to the neighbour I would be careful, wouldn't want to risk getting kicked out since you clearly aren't able to take care of yourself at this time.

 

 

It's easier said than done. 10 years, two kids. Blah. I have a lot of issues within myself going on that I just am never strong enough to leave.

 

 

Yes, i agree. The neighbor isnt someone I'd date anyways. I just *liked the attraction.

Edited June 17, 2016 by beachgurl2

[VeveCakes]

It's easier said than done. 10 years, two kids. Blah. I have a lot of issues within myself going on that I just am never strong enough to leave.

 

 

Yes, i agree. The neighbor isnt someone I'd date anyways. I just *liked the attraction.

 

Anything can be an excuse if you let it be. You only get one life, why live it in misery?

 

Start making a plan today, with a timeline for when you can leave and support yourself.

[Cinnamonstix]

It's easier said than done. 10 years, two kids. Blah. I have a lot of issues within myself going on that I just am never strong enough to leave.

 

 

Yes, i agree. The neighbor isnt someone I'd date anyways. I just *liked the attraction.

 

I can see 10 years from now you saying, boy I wish I had left 10 years ago.

 

Sometimes we don't know how strong we really are. You may surprise yourself.

[beachgurl2]

thanks for your honesty.

 

i have thought of that myself. what if i wake up in another 10 years and im like WTF?

[CarrieT]

what if i wake up in another 10 years and im like WTF?

Then you will be on this site or one similar lamenting how you wasted 20 years of your life...

 

And for what?

 

The "trick" is to live the life you want to live immediately.

[beachgurl2]

i know. its like no matter how much i hear it i still dont believe it, etc.

 

i struggle with the thinking we can fix it. but idk. its obviously not just one sided. but it just seems like we argue like everyday

[beachgurl2]

Oh boy we had a major fight today he broke my laptop which had $500 worth of work on it ?? slammed it in the counter ?

[Poutrew]

Well, once he sells the car to pay for repairs to the laptop, you can both be housebound and start the staring contest: first one to see a grey hair pop out the other's head wins... seriously, girl, you need to get the hell outta dodge. This is just gonna get worse...

[beachgurl2]

Well, once he sells the car to pay for repairs to the laptop, you can both be housebound and start the staring contest: first one to see a grey hair pop out the other's head wins... seriously, girl, you need to get the hell outta dodge. This is just gonna get worse...

 

I know ? I hope I stick with this and leave. I cannot believe this. I actually called the cops on him for doing it. He hadn't been home since and I'm sick here because I don't drive. the car doors are locked and car seats are in there, no one can pick me up

[beachgurl2]

Ok, this may end up being long. I may accidentally leave things out, but I am going to try to be 100% honest. If possible, even if you think I'm a POS etc maybe say it in a nice, way? Which seems silly on the internet. It is easy to be mean to someone, and I don't think I am perfect one bit. But I am looking for some guidance, not insults. Sure be real, though. This is seriously probably going to be SO long! I am trying to put a little back story though. and it may be a little all over the place. it actually takes a LOT to spill this out, I just wanted to talk with an outside opinion. Not my parents, not my friends, not him, not anyone close to me. They can be biased.

 

Ok my BF and I met 10 years ago. I had been dating a guy long distance I was 16, the guy was older than me. He destroyed me. Controlled me even though he was long distance. Accused me of cheating or being with guys when I was at the mall with my friends, playing soccer, etc. Soon everything I loved turned into everything I hated. I'd spend nights crying (almost all night), go to school and sleep because I was exhausted from fighting. Also everytime we argued, he threatened to break up. I actually was convinced I wanted to run away. I thank god to this day that I didn't.

 

Finally after 9 months of this, my ex best friend introduced me to her new BF's friends. I thought my BF was cute, I got his #. Somehow my EX fiound out, called my parents etc told them I was hanging out with an old man etc etc. I was 17, my NEW BF was 23.

 

We hung out, had some great times. I asked him to be my BF. He said yes. I didn't drive, etc he taught me how to do all of that. I had a LOT of firsts with him, including the first person I ever slept with. I carried over problems from the previous relationship though. Very insecure, immature, afraid he was going to leave me everytime we argued (because of what my EX would do i'm assuming). He wasn't perfect either, and he drank / smoked weed a lot. I didn't mind the drinking because I was getting in on it too --- i was young....why not?? We fought quite often. I can't say it was all him, I know I had my issues. But his excessive drinking didn't help either. He would often go into work hung over. Almost everyday it seemed. He would get jealous whenever I'd drink too because I was super friendly to everyone, just very social. Admittedly, I did hug some of his friends but nothing more.

 

After living in his apartment pretty much once I turned 18, we eventually moved into my parents house for a year or two, and the into our own apartment. We had a miscarriage while living at my parents, (I was 19) where I lost the baby and my best friend (she said something really disgusting to me regarding the miscarriage). I developed anxiety after this. It was severe. I don't really think I ever felt like he was there for me. I just don't know if it was because he didn't understand, but I have always sort of felt like he isn't really there a lot; emotionally.

 

We ended up pregnant the following year, by choice. I was so excited, he was too. Except I at this point didn't really want to be apart of partying so much. A baby coming meant making changes etc. I felt like I was willing to sacrifice anything for the baby but he didn't change. Why I would think that he would is just beyond me. He still excessively drank / smoke. Often came home with a 6 pack. Smoked before anytime we drove anywhere. Once the baby was born (I know now that i had post partum depression) things obviously got worse. I remember our old apartment the neighbor would come down to check on me / the baby because she could hear us arguing and **** being thrown.

 

During that time he destroyed a TV my mom bought for me, I even witnessed him throw the dog against the wall (i have never ever seen him do that again). I did, immaturely get him back by destroying his XBOX. I couldn't believe that he would do that to my tv etc. I felt alone a lot, he was always working. I never felt like we hungout even if he was home. I was under a lot of stress. We moved out of the apartment when our baby was 6 months old and into a house.

 

He bought the house, and of course our ****ty fighting continued. But as time went on, I would notice it felt like it was me and our baby all the time together, while he'd come home and drink a 6 pack, smoke a bunch etc. Some nights I would join in with him and have some beer, but nothing crazy. My baby was attached at my hip. We spent a lot of time together, which I did cherish. But it just got worse. Baby turned 1, he still did the drinking. But he'd have his brother over multiple times a week and they'd drink. :/ Sure my friend would come over sometimes...but it felt like his brother was like a 3rd wheel. His brother actually flirted with me a few times, which would piss him off but nothing ever happened. I felt so lonely, and unbearable lonely. The kind where the person is right there in the same room as you but they might as well be on another planet. I'd bitch, complain, we'd fight etc. But nothing ever changed.

 

during our relationship i got my first job at a fast food place, but mainly worked as a nanny off and on.. after our son was born, i only nannied for another year or so before i wasn't working. Then, I began to realize one summer that it was time to get a job.

 

I got a job at a gas station. I'd go there, get regular customers being friendly, chatting with me. Some hitting on me. They'd come in often. I enjoyed the interaction and would hate going home to his negativity. I'd dread it. Working was my way of being social.

 

At some point during this (I AM NOT condoning my actions. in ANY way. heck NO.) i got so lonely.....i cheated on him. i told him i was fed up, done and went out and did stupid ****. If i could change it, I would. I was faithful all those 7 years, and then I snapped. NO EXCUSE though. I was always anti cheating, it was my biggest thing i hated and feared. i was painfully obvious about it, like i wanted him to catch me. i couldnt lie for ****. i am just not a good liar, and infact I am often too honest / open. i was staying at a friends house during this time for awhile. and of course he had our son for the first time more than ever....he was so used to me having our son. i broke down, i told him i was sorry. i got drunk, and honestly without alcohol would've never had the confidence / liquid courage (EW, ugh) to do what i did. but that was no excuse. He cried to me, begging me to go back and that he would change.

 

I believed him. Things of course got even worse. I know now that why wouldn't they? Look what i did to him. If he did that to me, I would be so crushed too. No matter how lonely, neglected I felt...it was wrong on many levels. A few months later, he asked to have another kid. I have no idea wtf is wrong with me, but i agreed. He started finally, now that our son was 3 coming around him...spending more time. I enjoyed this pregnancy much more. Our arguing never stopped though, I feel bad that our son has had to listen to it. He can't argue in private. But the drinking didn't stop. The change he promised didn't last long at all. Our 2nd kid was born, and things just stayed the same.

 

I got into a car accident one day......truck was wrecked. My youngest, was in the car. I got a head injury. It took 6+ months to recover. I developed even worse anxiety, I got PTSD. I am deathly afraid of driving. I can hardly stand being a passenger. IN the past year, I only really leave the house when he drives us. I cannot explain this to someone who doesnt have it. I am literally terrified of cars / accidents / head injuries. What hurt me is that he was the first person I called. I was thinking i was going to die, i was out of it. All i remember was hearing "What did you do to the other caR. Is our son ok?" Im not sure if thast all he said. But all i got was negativitiy...i hung up. I couldnt talk to him anymore. I had to make sure i wasnt going to die. I got home that night, he never made it to the hospital. He was working 1 hour away, claimed that he couldn't get there (3-4 hours later, when i was finally released). then instead of immeditaly going to get my pain meds, he was stressing out about taxes or something on the phone with my mom.

 

Then things got worse. He had to take me to a lot of appointments. He'd complain, do it...but complain. Meanwhile, the **** that I was going through / am still going through was killing me inside. The fear that I feel controls my life. In the past year, we've gotten in a ton of fights. Just recently, within the last month......we had a bad one. I was ready to leave. He said some **** to me that I was just done. But he said he would change. No longer comes home with a 6 pack, doesn't smoke weed at home. It is great. I am glad he stopped.

 

BUT, his personality / attitude doesn't stop. He insults me a lot. Examples: asked me where our son's toothbrush was, i said he threw it out. his response? "You need to brush his teeth, before they end up like yours. Disgusting." Or recently, he didn't go get us food that we needed as he promised (we didnt have groceries) and told me "You need to women up, grow up and get in the car and drive and we wouldnt have this problem." He is quick to tell me **** you, shut the **** up, bitch, etc. I've heard it all. I am not perfect. i will call him names as well back. which is immature. i have been lately trying to just hold back as per my therapists help / request.

 

He recently broke my laptop, because of an argument we got into pretty much over me wanting to hangout with my best friend two days in a row. I just don't get it. Then recently at the store I was in there for almost an hour (I guess i was on the phone with my best friend time just flew) he accused me of cheating. and got pissed i took so long.

 

 

The truth that I know about me, and that my therapist and I discuss is:

I am dependent. I am dependent on him. Insanely. It is horrible.

I have low self esteem / self worth

I am afraid of being alone, and for some reason believe I cannot be alone

 

I dont understand why we argue so much. Why things can get so ****ty? He tells me all the time how much he loves me, willing to do anything, doesnt wanna lose our family etc. And i feel that he means that, but sometimes I feel like his actions say otherwise.

 

He works A LOT. Which I know he is supporting us (he complains yet tells me not to get a job yet, not to work nights we'LL never see each other) but when he is home i OFTEN, not always...i know he tries some nights more than others....feel SO ALONE! I feel like we never really "hangout". I feel like I am with my kids 24/7 (NOT exaggerating.) and I have this need, this longing for conversation. One without arguing, nasty naming calling etc. It is so bad that when my best friend and I hangout, I dont think I EVER stop talking! Like an hour straight. Seriously. I feel like he is extra nice when he wants to have sex of course. But he isn't always mean if he doesn't get that.

 

I just don't know. I feel like sure yes, he has done a lot for us, and he does love me and care. But something is missing and I don't get it. And sometimes when I am around him I just feel like I go into defense mode, and just am so irritated around him that I want to be around anyone else rather than him.

 

I know im lonely because recently i thought i enjoyed flirting with my neighbor. those lonely feelings again. i didn't act on it, I let it fizzle. Why? because it isnt even the neighbor i am interested in. there are issues deeper than that, my feeling of lonely. that need for a connection. I would not, and have NOT ever cheated on him again since i made that mistake. I know in my heart that I wouldn't do that to him. But I do hate feeling so lonely.

 

Is there any hope? Why do I always feel SO put off from him. I know lately, I may have been emotionally disconnecting a bit, I am under so much stress from my depression, anxiety and my ptsd....that it is so hard to handle our arguing a lot. We DO have some good times. But especially the last few months he complains everyday about my cleaning, Compares me to other women's houses....and it hurts. I dont feel good enough.

 

And the thing is, i cannot imagine myself with someone else. I dont know if it is because im comfortable, or because I feel like no one else will love me. IDK. He cant imagine himself with someone else. He gets very emotional about it, yet we continue to be this way towards each other. We argue so much. I know it drains the both of us.

 

Can a relationship come back from this? I mean I feel like he isnt giving up, nor would he (unless i cheated on him again, I dont think we would ever come back from that - i wouldnt hurt him like that ever again). He actually talks a LOT a LOT this year about wanting to get married etc. But, I am not feeling like i want to move right into that. Because i want things to be "right". But can they, after this many years be right? I honest to god, cannot see me with another man. But at the same time, this arguing / negativity / lonliness is insane. everytime I say I am done, it never works. We always end up together.

 

He has offered to go to couples therapy...is it worth it?

 

(i can only imagine, the things that people must be thinking) again, i have so much stress on my self right now...if you could be a polite *******..that'd be great! thanks.

[VeveCakes]

Remove all alcohol from your home, for good.

 

Go to therapy.

 

I think what you have is salvageable, but the lines of communication need to open - big time.

[beachgurl2]

Remove all alcohol from your home, for good.

 

Go to therapy.

 

I think what you have is salvageable, but the lines of communication need to open - big time.

 

 

 

That's what I think too. The communication is like at a zero it seems like. Maybe the root of our problems. It's like we don't know HOW to communicate, so we argue.

[bummer]

What is in the best interest of your child?

 

Do only what you want your child to emulate and repeat as an adult.

Edited June 22, 2016 by bummer

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think either of you understand what a healthy relationship looks like and how it works. Were you planning on sabotaging things, not sure you could do a more effective job.

 

I'll leave your BF alone, he's not posting here. There's a tremendous amount of rationalization and excuse-making in your post. Cheated because you were drunk. Broke this because he broke that. Argued with him because he started it.

 

Until you take responsibility for you own choices, you'll always be the victim. And with two young kids, there's a desperate need for advocacy - both self and for them - in your life. Your world is shaped by the choices you make, good and bad. I hope your therapist helps you get to a place where you feel empowered enough to make better ones...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

Goodness. My response is the same as in your previous thread. You need to end this horrible train wreck of a relationship ASAP. There is absolutely nothing here to salvage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ok my BF and I met 10 years ago. I had been dating a guy long distance I was 16, the guy was older than me. He destroyed me. Controlled me even though he was long distance. Accused me of cheating or being with guys when I was at the mall with my friends, playing soccer, etc. Soon everything I loved turned into everything I hated. I'd spend nights crying (almost all night), go to school and sleep because I was exhausted from fighting. Also everytime we argued, he threatened to break up. I actually was convinced I wanted to run away. I thank god to this day that I didn't.

 

Finally after 9 months of this, my ex best friend introduced me to her new BF's friends. I thought my BF was cute, I got his #. Somehow my EX fiound out, called my parents etc told them I was hanging out with an old man etc etc. I was 17, my NEW BF was 23.

 

We hung out, had some great times. I asked him to be my BF. He said yes. I didn't drive, etc he taught me how to do all of that. I had a LOT of firsts with him, including the first person I ever slept with. I carried over problems from the previous relationship though. Very insecure, immature, afraid he was going to leave me everytime we argued (because of what my EX would do i'm assuming). He wasn't perfect either, and he drank / smoked weed a lot. I didn't mind the drinking because I was getting in on it too --- i was young....why not?? We fought quite often. I can't say it was all him, I know I had my issues. But his excessive drinking didn't help either. He would often go into work hung over. Almost everyday it seemed. He would get jealous whenever I'd drink too because I was super friendly to everyone, just very social. Admittedly, I did hug some of his friends but nothing more.

 

After living in his apartment pretty much once I turned 18, we eventually moved into my parents house for a year or two, and the into our own apartment. We had a miscarriage while living at my parents, (I was 19) where I lost the baby and my best friend (she said something really disgusting to me regarding the miscarriage). I developed anxiety after this. It was severe. I don't really think I ever felt like he was there for me. I just don't know if it was because he didn't understand, but I have always sort of felt like he isn't really there a lot; emotionally.

 

We ended up pregnant the following year, by choice.

 

You don't say much about your parents and/or upbringing, but there seems to be a need that you keep trying to fill will other things -

 

- an older LDR BF

- an older live-in BF

- a pregnancy at age 19

- a baby at age 20

- a second child while in a dysfunctional relationship

- an OM

 

FOO issues are tough. Hopefully you're willing to do the work to get to the bottom of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beachgurl2]

what is FOO??

 

 

And my parents fought alot when we were kids, my dad has always been very mean, critical and negative etc.

[greenly24]

I think if he is willing to go to couples therapy, then maybe you should try that. What do you have to lose? I'll admit I used to be one who didn't really believe in therapy or think that it could actually help, but my mom encouraged me to go to career counseling and I was surprised at how much it actually helped. Now it'll probably take a lot of work for both of you, but it sounds like y'all are willing to put in the effort.

[Mr. Lucky]

what is FOO??

 

 

And my parents fought alot when we were kids, my dad has always been very mean, critical and negative etc.

 

Sorry, we get acronym crazy sometimes. FOO is Family of Origin, things having to do with your childhood and upbringing. An abusive and emotionally distant parent can leave you with a lifetime of looking for love in all the wrong places...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JS84]

Honestly you two are probably doing your kids more harm than good staying in a relationship like that. Good chance you're both going to pass that dysfunctional thinking and behavior onto them and they're going to have their own behavioral and relationship issues because of you two. As someone else said it sounds like you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.

[beachgurl2]

Honestly you two are probably doing your kids more harm than good staying in a relationship like that. Good chance you're both going to pass that dysfunctional thinking and behavior onto them and they're going to have their own behavioral and relationship issues because of you two. As someone else said it sounds like you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

'yep i dont think we do. i'd probably be floored if i was ever with someone who was nice to me more than they were nasty,

 

i have so many personal problems going on..anxiety, depression etc. that is very hard for me to even know what to do. i end up being wishy washy. i have a lot of fear, and we have a dependent relationship in the way that i am so dependent on him.

 

my therapist recommends just working on myself right now, but im finding it hard to do...

[beachgurl2]

Sorry, we get acronym crazy sometimes. FOO is Family of Origin, things having to do with your childhood and upbringing. An abusive and emotionally distant parent can leave you with a lifetime of looking for love in all the wrong places...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

right, i feel like i do. i obviously have issues, i didn't realize them until after my car crash and i saw a therapist. im seeing her, she sees there there are issues. i think my dad was emotionally unavailable, just mean, and distant. definitely not a loving / affectionate house hold,

 

my therapist thinks that in a lot of ways, my BF mirrors my dad.

[ExpatInItaly]

Take him up on his suggestion of couple's therapy. You both need it.

 

If it doesn't work, start making a plan to leave.

 

I have a feeling sooner or later, he will leave. And then what will you do? You simply must start taking steps towards self-sufficiency and independence. I wouldn't be relying on him to stick around and support you.

 

i realize you have other issues, but you cannot let them stop you from making a much bigger effort to get back on your own two feet. You have to find ways to work through them, for your child's sake and your own. As a parent, you don't have the option of hoping things will change. You either make them change or risk your and your little one's unhappiness and well-being.