soon to be in laws who are frustrating. !!!

[impliedlost]

hiya. first and foremost GAHHHH regarding soon to be family. My problem is as follows.

 

I am pretty much between a rock and a hard place. I am dating a wonderful woman and she said yes to marrying me. problem is my in laws are manipulative and have caused a ton of issues with us. It's finally wearing out my fiance.

 

Long story short, I am a ward of the court originally through no fault of my own from the age of 5 until 18. it was a really horrible situation in which I was forced to be given a new name and relocated from another country to the united states. Eventually I joined up into the military and tried to unsuccessfully start a family. The marriage failed when I became injured while in the military and deployed. She decided that she didn't wish to take care of me and our two daughters. Said she couldn't be the bread winner of the house. It also turns out she was having sex with men while I was deployed and left the kids very dirty. This was brought up in court, and her grand parents went crazy saying I was disabled thus couldn't have them and they wanted the children. Eventually, I convinced the court to let my daughters stay with the only family member who I know of back in another country.

 

Now... back to my issue. I told my soon to be in laws all this. My soon to be wife has seen all the proof. My in laws think I am bull****ting about all of this and my fiances sister in law is a domestic abuse victim. She has caused SO many issues, accusing me of lying, manipulating, and being a psychopath. Between her drama it has spread to the family. The woman has trigger issues.

 

My fiance has started pulling back because of all the accusations. stated she wonders if she made a good choice or not about this. She said she believes me, Has seen all the court stuff. but this voice in the back of her head is of her mother and sister in law causing her to question.

 

Yesterday I got sick and tired of her sister in law after she was caught lying to my fiance. Attempting to manipulate her. She admitted it. Frankly, I am sick and tired of all this manipulation.

 

I went over to her mothers house yesterday and presented proof in regards to being a ward of the court (my fiances mother and sister in law were claiming I was lying about that). I also showed her my military retirement stuff. Also, She said that she couldnt understand why I don't have contact with my children. Even after I have told her a million times that just the thought of my children causes my heart to break. And since its too expensive for me to travel to their country. I have to keep myself from emotionally breaking. So I don't contact them.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

[Tayla]

A: you are an adult. No longer the ward of any court.

 

Save up and be a Dad. I find this story a bit hard to swollow.

 

Move and find counseling

[anika99]

It all does sound somewhat unbelievable. Especially the part about your kids being sent to some relative in another country by the courts. That part seems really odd as usually family courts don't want to rip children away from their known family. How or why didn't the grandparents get custody. Even if the they were deemed unfit I would think the courts would rather keep the children in their home country while every attempt is made to reunite them with their mother. Also find it weird how you were relocated under a different name to the United States as a child. I've never heard of all this sending children out of their home country to live with strangers. Not saying this didn't happen but to be honest I would have a hard time believing it too.

[basil67]

I'm not saying that this didn't happen as you describe, but I too, would have a hard time believing it. To my knowledge, courts normally do all they can to keep parents in contact with their children.

 

Why have you not moved to the country your child is in so that you can be with them?

[anika99]

Surely the kids mother had relatives (if not the grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles or cousins) who the kids could have temporarily been placed with while child services worked with the mom and kids on getting them back together in a stable home. The idea that they just ripped the children away form their mother and their entire maternal family to send them to live with strangers in a strange country just sounds barbaric to me. I can't imagine it happening but if it did happen because the OP somehow convinced them to do it as he says he did then that was very traumatic and cruel thing to do to his children. And then on top of that he doesn't even stay in contact with his children because it hurts his little feelings? I'm saying either this poster is just heartless or this isn't even a true story.

 

 

Also the only allegation the OP seems to against the mom is that the kids were dirty. That hardly sounds like justification to take her kids away forever.

[impliedlost]

Surely the kids mother had relatives (if not the grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles or cousins) who the kids could have temporarily been placed with while child services worked with the mom and kids on getting them back together in a stable home. The idea that they just ripped the children away form their mother and their entire maternal family to send them to live with strangers in a strange country just sounds barbaric to me. I can't imagine it happening but if it did happen because the OP somehow convinced them to do it as he says he did then that was very traumatic and cruel thing to do to his children. And then on top of that he doesn't even stay in contact with his children because it hurts his little feelings? I'm saying either this poster is just heartless or this isn't even a true story.

 

 

Also the only allegation the OP seems to against the mom is that the kids were dirty. That hardly sounds like justification to take her kids away forever.

 

I tend to write for brevity. Long story short, My ex wife abused my children while I was deployed. One of my daughters has brain damage because of it. She had sex with strangers while I was deployed and the children were exposed to this environment. When confronted about it she hit me in the head with a frying pan and ran for it. At this point I called the police, had her charged with spousal abuse/DV, I had a no harassment restraining order against her and proceeded the trial separation at this point. To which my sister began taking care of them. Eventually the court saw how well she was with them and considering she is the only family I have. It was worth keeping them with her rather than being used as a bargaining chip.

 

Fact is, She was not cut out to be a mother and realized this after it was too late. The grand parent was never in the picture with my kids. The court saw this and also saw that they realistically couldn't handle a special needs child.

 

The second fact is I suffer from brain damage due to my injury in the military and I know I can't handle taking care of my children by myself with my health. Unfortunately, it was either with my relative or with their grand parent who is very old. Especially when

 

As to going to see them. I live in the USA. They live now over seas and if I was not saddled with health cost, and attempting to get rehabilitated I could probably afford to go over there. Sadly this is not the case.

 

Regardless, the children have been over there for many years and are soon going to be adults. My reasons for not contacting them is for my own mental health.

 

As to being an adult, I pay my entire retirement to them every month to ensure they are taken care of. It's the adult thing to do. As for counseling, I don't get where you think I need it.

 

 

But back to my original and only valid question. Rather than ripping me a new one saying that it sounds fishy. I am asking for advice on how to deal with this situation with the in laws.

[impliedlost]

I'm not saying that this didn't happen as you describe, but I too, would have a hard time believing it. To my knowledge, courts normally do all they can to keep parents in contact with their children.

 

Why have you not moved to the country your child is in so that you can be with them?

 

I get V.A. medical out here for my health and rehabilitation. If I moved over there it is very difficult to get health care even with the FMP system. I could but that would also mean I couldn't really afford to live out there. I am fixed income now.

[anika99]

Well thank God you intervened on your children's behalf and thank God for your sister. I am so sorry that your children have suffered so much. Hopefully with your sister's love and care their mental and emotional wounds will be healed.

 

 

I don't know how you should handle your in-laws. If your fiancé loves you and believes you then she has to be the one to stand up for you to her family. If she is doesn't believe you or she is unwilling to defend you then I'm afraid there's not much you can do to improve the situation.

 

 

If your fiancé is starting to doubt you and pull back from the relationship based on what her family says then maybe you shouldn't marry her. If she is siding with her family now it's not going to get better later. In-laws can destroy a marriage when the married couple do not present themselves as a united team and enforce strong boundaries.

[turnera]

hiya. first and foremost GAHHHH regarding soon to be family. My problem is as follows.

 

I am pretty much between a rock and a hard place. I am dating a wonderful woman and she said yes to marrying me. problem is my in laws are manipulative and have caused a ton of issues with us. It's finally wearing out my fiance.

 

Long story short, I am a ward of the court originally through no fault of my own from the age of 5 until 18. it was a really horrible situation in which I was forced to be given a new name and relocated from another country to the united states. Eventually I joined up into the military and tried to unsuccessfully start a family. The marriage failed when I became injured while in the military and deployed. She decided that she didn't wish to take care of me and our two daughters. Said she couldn't be the bread winner of the house. It also turns out she was having sex with men while I was deployed and left the kids very dirty. This was brought up in court, and her grand parents went crazy saying I was disabled thus couldn't have them and they wanted the children. Eventually, I convinced the court to let my daughters stay with the only family member who I know of back in another country.

 

Now... back to my issue. I told my soon to be in laws all this. My soon to be wife has seen all the proof. My in laws think I am bull****ting about all of this and my fiances sister in law is a domestic abuse victim. She has caused SO many issues, accusing me of lying, manipulating, and being a psychopath. Between her drama it has spread to the family. The woman has trigger issues.

 

My fiance has started pulling back because of all the accusations. stated she wonders if she made a good choice or not about this. She said she believes me, Has seen all the court stuff. but this voice in the back of her head is of her mother and sister in law causing her to question.

 

Yesterday I got sick and tired of her sister in law after she was caught lying to my fiance. Attempting to manipulate her. She admitted it. Frankly, I am sick and tired of all this manipulation.

 

I went over to her mothers house yesterday and presented proof in regards to being a ward of the court (my fiances mother and sister in law were claiming I was lying about that). I also showed her my military retirement stuff. Also, She said that she couldnt understand why I don't have contact with my children. Even after I have told her a million times that just the thought of my children causes my heart to break. And since its too expensive for me to travel to their country. I have to keep myself from emotionally breaking. So I don't contact them.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Change my life so that I am in the lives of the children I've already created. You were a ward of the state? Guess what? You did the same thing to your kids - abandoned them.

[Lois_Griffin]

Also, She said that she couldnt understand why I don't have contact with my children. Even after I have told her a million times that just the thought of my children causes my heart to break. And since its too expensive for me to travel to their country. I have to keep myself from emotionally breaking. So I don't contact them.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I'd recognize the fact that her parents don't want her to marry you and have every reason to be unhappy about it.

 

What a CRAP reason for not contacting your kids. "I have to keep myself from emotionally breaking, so I've decided to completely ignore my own children."

 

And that's exactly what you've done. Completely emotionally abandoned them with some feeble excuse about your oh so delicate heart not being able to handle you being in contact with them.

 

No wonder you've had to tell her mother this ridiculous crap story 'a million times' about why you've chosen to not be in contact with your children - because it's completely ridiculous, completely unacceptable, and it makes you look like a fool to them. You can explain it to them a million MORE times and it's not going to change their opinion of the facts.

 

You keep telling everyone NOT to remark on this hideous facet of your story yet we're supposed to just come up with some magic advice on how to deal with her parents who DO have a lot to say about it.

 

The simple truth is that you CAN'T sugar-coat ignoring your kids their whole lives to her parents - no matter how you spin it. You can't make it more acceptable to her parents and you can't justify it, no matter how hard you try. That's the empirical data of the situation. And it's not going to change.

 

It's basically come down to your fiancee having to choose between you and her family. And she's feeling the pressure of it. While it's unfair that you're being unjustly accused of things by her sister, the fact remains that there's also damaging facts that are true that will always work against you where her family is concerned.

 

There's not a lot you CAN do. It's really up to your fiancee.

[O'Malley]

That you would choose to sever emotional ties with your children, especially after the abuse they suffered, troubles me and I'm imagining that it be would concerning for many people as well. Even if you can not be a consistent, supportive presence in your children's lives, the small efforts - letters, cards, emails, phone calls - would at least let them know that you do love and care about them.

 

If cutting all ties is how you protect your emotional well being, your fiance and her family understandably are questioning how you would handle any future stress and conflict in marriage, most especially if you were to have children (which I'm hoping you won't be having). I think you do have to own up to your responsibility in this particular situation - your ex was abusive but you then chose to be absent from your children's lives - and let your fiance make the best decision for herself.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I went over to her mothers house yesterday and presented proof in regards to being a ward of the court (my fiances mother and sister in law were claiming I was lying about that). I also showed her my military retirement stuff. Also, She said that she couldnt understand why I don't have contact with my children. Even after I have told her a million times that just the thought of my children causes my heart to break. And since its too expensive for me to travel to their country. I have to keep myself from emotionally breaking. So I don't contact them.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

 

 

Is this a trick question somehow?

 

 

We would contact our children (no matter the means or the limitations).

 

 

One wonders why some might-be future in-laws are somehow more important than one's own children.

 

 

 

 

 

But back to my original and only valid question.

 

 

Your "original and only" question is that quoted above.

 

 

 

Just contact your children and leave all of this barely-tangent stuff on the back burner until you make such an effort.

[impliedlost]

That you would choose to sever emotional ties with your children, especially after the abuse they suffered, troubles me and I'm imagining that it be would concerning for many people as well. Even if you can not be a consistent, supportive presence in your children's lives, the small efforts - letters, cards, emails, phone calls - would at least let them know that you do love and care about them.

 

If cutting all ties is how you protect your emotional well being, your fiance and her family understandably are questioning how you would handle any future stress and conflict in marriage, most especially if you were to have children (which I'm hoping you won't be having). I think you do have to own up to your responsibility in this particular situation - your ex was abusive but you then chose to be absent from your children's lives - and let your fiance make the best decision for herself.

 

The problem with my existing familial structure has nothing to do with their issue. It's that they find it impossible even though I have shown them the proof.

 

Regardless, No more children for me. Secondly, After I proceeded with the divorce and even before that, I had maybe contact with my children once in a blue moon. Not because I was a bad parent but rather because of my job within the military didn't permit me to ration time to that. To complicate things between all of this, My sister and my village overseas has acted more of a parent to them than I have. I might as well have given them away once I divorced my ex wife.

 

Fact of the matter is, The military required me to give them to my sister once the divorce was started. Think I am joking.

Child Custody Issues Involving Military Parents - Lawyers.com

 

Another fact of the matter is I accepted a long time ago that my daughters were pretty much raised by my sister and her village. I have no right to be involved with anything. I gave that up because that was what was best. You can't say you would have done anything different. You cant say that the grand parent would have permitted it because he would not have. His whole basis was to rip my daughters away from me and get back at me for filing a restraining order on him also prior to them being born. He felt like I took his daughter away from him and I didn't. The guy was a sociopath and the court saw right through this.

 

The majority of you people have never had to deal with something involving military, deployment, and divorce. So stop your shaming of me. I did what I had to do. I regret it every time I think about it. But frankly, it was the best choice.

 

You have a better idea? Come at me with it. Stop trolling along and saying I am a horrible parent. I had a few choices. All of them were bad and I took the least harmful one to them.

[UpwardForward]

OP, I also think the situation with you and your daughters should be addressed before you can move forward - regardless your in-laws'. And, as pointed out - your in-laws seem to share these concerns.

 

 

I have known enough people (closely) who for one reason or another had been removed from their parents early in life.

 

 

They yearned for contact with their parents and some even went into adult life with the feelings of rejection or abandonment.

 

 

Don't underestimate your role in your daughters' lives.

 

 

Priorities and first things first .. if you wish to seek positive recognition with the one you love - or those who have influence with the one you love.

[Tayla]

 

My sister and my village overseas has acted more of a parent to them than I have. I might as well have given them away once I divorced my ex wife.

 

.

 

Correct your sister did take upon herself the task of raising two little children.

 

Correct you did give them away.

 

I come from a military family background, so I will simply say, you were misinformed.

 

There was a choice of leaving the military.

 

Because the original post pertains to the " future in laws" and you have yet to clarify specifically what each person's concerns really are, its doubtful we can give an answer. So take a few moments and give specifics on what is their beef . Maybe then someone can guide.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

You have a better idea? Come at me with it. Stop trolling along and saying I am a horrible parent. I had a few choices. All of them were bad and I took the least harmful one to them.

 

 

 

We've already presented the better idea:

 

 

Make an effort to contact your children (both for the sake of the children, and for your then-chance to present that effort to the might-be future inlaws, to further your own agenda)

 

 

And no, you are better than a "horrible parent"... in that you are effectively not a parent at all.

 

 

But look at the picture from that of the might-be future inlaws:

 

 

Do they really want their daughter to squander (their own hopes for grandchildren) on somebody who has clearly ignored his own prior children?

 

Of course they don't.

 

Yet you continue to see them as the wrongly motivated people in this picture.

[tndawg]

As you know we marry families, not individuals. It seems that your fiancé is very close to her family and they will remain involved in her life if and when you marry. I can't imagine what you are going through right now or the loss of your children. Have you and your fiancé sought out any pre-marital counseling? That is always a great first step.

[turnera]

What hogwash. They're better off? Nothing you could do? Didn't have enough time? You have enough time to woo a new woman, though, don't you?

[ChickiePops]

I think those kids actually are better off without either their physically abusive mother or their emotionally abusive father. One can only hope that they're in a loving home now and that their care takers are helping them sort through all the damage that BOTH of their parents have inflicted upon them.

[UpwardForward]

I think those kids actually are better off without either their physically abusive mother or their emotionally abusive father. One can only hope that they're in a loving home now and that their care takers are helping them sort through all the damage that BOTH of their parents have inflicted upon them.

 

 

Even so, I have known people who grew up in orphanages or were adopted out, and who yearned for knowledge or relationship with their paternal parents. Why take this away from your children.

 

 

Perhaps the new in-laws are also questioning loyalty/devotion in the future husband of their loved one.

 

 

Either way Impliedlost, it appears you should re-visit and embrace your children in order to earn respect or squelch questions regarding your relationship with them.

[ChickiePops]

Even so, I have known people who grew up in orphanages or were adopted out, and who yearned for knowledge or relationship with their paternal parents. Why take this away from your children.

 

 

Perhaps the new in-laws are also questioning loyalty/devotion in the future husband of their loved one.

 

 

Either way Impliedlost, it appears you should re-visit and embrace your children in order to earn respect or squelch questions regarding your relationship with them.

 

But they're not in an orphanage. They're with family. So this entire post is moot.

[UpwardForward]

But they're not in an orphanage. They're with family. So this entire post is moot.

 

 

They're with OP's sister.

 

 

Transplanted children many times yearn to be with and/or know their biological Parents.

 

 

There is also the rejection factor, even though with 'family'.

[ChickiePops]

They're with OP's sister.

 

 

Transplanted children many times yearn to be with and/or know their biological Parents.

 

 

There is also the rejection factor, even though with 'family'.

 

You would put children into an abusive home over a safe one?

 

They weren't rejected, they were removed from what sounds like a terrible situation. It is sick to argue that they'd be better off being beaten by their mother or neglected by their father.

[anika99]

You would put children into an abusive home over a safe one?

 

They weren't rejected, they were removed from what sounds like a terrible situation. It is sick to argue that they'd be better off being beaten by their mother or neglected by their father.

 

I think you are seriously twisting that poster's meaning. I don't see where they said that children should stay in neglectful or abusive homes, just that they were saying children who have been removed from such homes still wish to have some contact with their parents and that the OP should still reach out to his children and be part of their lives in some way even if he can't parent them full time.

[UpwardForward]

You would put children into an abusive home over a safe one?

 

They weren't rejected, they were removed from what sounds like a terrible situation. It is sick to argue that they'd be better off being beaten by their mother or neglected by their father.

 

 

You continue to have a problem with comprehension or are injecting words/meanings into others' posts.

 

Who said anything about the parents having custody?

 

 

The father isn't pushing to take care of his daughters, and says they are older now, anyway.

 

 

I was saying the father should have a part in his daughter's lives .. such as communication and expressing interest in them.