Fear of socializing with strangers and the dating world scares me

[offwithhishead]

Broke up about a month ago. I have my good and bad days but overall I've seen some improvement.

 

I regained some of my appetite back this past week which allows me to have energy for getting back into exercise. I worked out for the first time yesterday and it truly makes a big difference.

 

They say it's good to meet new people and socialize and maybe even try dating again but the thought of these things terrify me.

 

I prefer my own company and maybe small circle of close friends. That's about as social as I get these days.

 

The thought of going out there and meeting random people and let's face it, most people you just won't click with and making small talk with them produces a sick feeling in my stomach. And the though of talking to girls and facing possible rejection is sickening too. I even quit Facebook because I can't bear looking at all the updates of happy couples or people hanging out looking all happy.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm generally a social guy. I like meeting new people and hearing their stories. But since the breakup, I feel like a distorted version of myself.

[Satu]

The idea of going out and dating strangers, one month after a breakup, is ridiculous.

 

I'd be more concerned for you, if you did.

 

Spend some time on yourself, and on your closest and most treasured friends, and family.

 

Be there for yourself, and let others be there for you.

 

Give yourself some time to heal.

 

A little bit further down the line, when you're feeling better, you'll be ready to date again, but forget about it until then.

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hey, you definitely need more time, one month is nothing

[TimmyC]

I agree with everyone. You need more time buddy. 1 month is too short, before you know it, you'll unintentionally compare your new love to your old love and it'll become one big mess. And you'll have two breakups to grieve. Give yourself a few months and you'll be eager to meet someone new.

[bummer]

I like the idea of expanding my circle to help build up after a breakup. I'm one month out and tried a few new activities I was interested in and made some casual friends with similar interests. Maybe soon this will be bearable.

[juniorrocha]

The idea of going out and dating strangers, one month after a breakup, is ridiculous.

 

Well, it helped me a little. It sucks that I still compare everyone with my ex, but on another note it's nice to know women are attracted to me. I just keep everything casual and I make everything clear to them that I'm not interested on anything more than that. Today 5 of them contacted me. It makes me feel wanted, it helps me boost my self-esteem. On top of that I forced myself to exercise 4 days after the break up. I wasn't eating enough at the time, so I took things slowly. Now I already gained part of my weight back and I'm very motivated to keep going.

 

Not that everyone works the same way, but I feel like if I push myself into doing things, I get back on my feet faster. I still miss my ex every single day, but at the same time it feels so distant 'cause I have done nothing but work on whatever is important for me. And that should be the goal of anyone who broke up. Keep filling your life with whatever is important, being it hooking up with randoms or a new hobby, and as the days go by you'll see that forgetting an ex is not impossible at all.

 

Maybe this thing in particular is bigger here in Brazil. It seems like when people break up here, they tend to go out with other people to forget their ex.

[offwithhishead]

I've never been attractive to the opposite sex. I appeal to a very narrow band of women. My ex was one of those very rare girls who was attracted to me but I messed it up.

[theitcrowd]

My ex met rebounded with someone in 3 days.... 3 days!!! Well it took atleast 2 weeks to get into a full relationship with the new guy... but that's how some people cope unfortunately

 

First it made me angry... very very angry to see this happen... because never never would I think a girl would do such a thing to me but that's how some people function

 

I am quite disgusted myself at the idea of dating at the moment.. after a broken heart

[smudge21]

If it worries you, don't do it. No one is saying you have to jump back onto that horse. Do whatever you want to do - you're free, so enjoy it. I'm in the same sort of point in life too and because I don't feel like getting close to anyone, I won't. Instead I'll just hang out with friends, go travelling, veg out on boxsets etc. When you feel better, then you can go looking for the next ride.

[offwithhishead]

So all of us know about the mental and emotional pains during a breakup. Obviously, that's the hardest. The endless looping of memories and regret and what you could have done. The despair and anxiety in the wee hours of the night and it seems like your world will never be the same again.

 

The physical aspects are very real as well. Before the breakup when I'm my normal self, I'm a pretty healthy guy. I jog regularly and do some weight exercises. After the breakup happened, the first thing I noticed was this anxiety going on in my heart. Almost like I was close to having a heart attack. This is especially apparent when I'm just lying in bed. I feel like it almost hurts to breathe. It feels much better to stay upright. As a result, I felt it helpful to go out for walks.

 

My workout regiment of running and weights stopped immediately after the breakup. I couldn't imagine myself running due to the above paragraph about the anxiety going on in my chest. Also, the biggest thing was lack of appetite. I lost interest in food. I was basically eating to stay alive. The hunger even felt good in a way because it was a refocusing on the mental pain. As a result of my loss in appetite, I obviously wasn't able to workout.

 

Also sleeping patterns became out of whack and I lost track of what day it was. Miraculously, I was able to avoid having dreams about my ex.

 

And this may be TMI but as a result of my diet of soup and alcohol, my bowels became very watery and I found myself with diarrhea. It was so bad that even when I began eating solid foods instead of soups, I was still having the diarrhea. Finally my bowels are appearing to be more normal now. I went to the gym twice this week mainly due to the fact that I'm eating two solid meals a day.

 

It's a constant struggle. Overall, I seem to be improving from a physical perspective. My sleeping patterns are still an issue though but I hope to correct that soon. I hope to correct that with less coffee and more exercise.

 

It is getting better overall. I just don't know how long it's gonna take. It's been four weeks since my breakup and I don't feel even close to normal.

Edited June 16, 2016 by offwithhishead

[idiot 274]

Hey there. Almost a month of NC here. Going through the same feelings as you. I've been forcing myself to be active and do things and its been helping. Had a pretty bad dream about her the other night and it set me back for a minute but I'm shaking it off. I don't eat soup only solid food and my stomach is still fd up. I was drinking tons and tons of beer but I had to almost stop completely. When I absolutely feel like I need a drink to calm my nerves I have a little shot of vodka every other day or so. My body feels a tiny bit better and things are slowly starting to get easier but something triggers it once and a while. It sucks

[fitgirl52]

All will be better in time. Give yourself a time frame to treat your body like crap and then pick it up when your time is over. Seems silly, but setting a goal helps - no matter how small.

 

When I broke up with my ex, I was the same way. I had a small meal every day and when I got home from work, I had a whole bottle of wine. It helped with the mental stuff and helped me sleep. I did this for two weeks. Even Some days after, I fall apart and can't put food down, so I don't. And I start over the next day.

 

Just know that it's okay to not be okay. All this you're feeling will pass soon.

[lana-banana]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it's impressive you've already turned it into an educational experience. At four weeks after my worst break-up I could barely peel myself off of the floor.

 

The brain-body connection is so much more complex than people realize. Trauma, stress and grief absolutely have physical symptoms! Contrary to popular belief, psychosomatic illnesses aren't fake; they're physical manifestations of emotional problems. My gastroenterologist told me irritable bowel syndrome is usually just a byproduct of untreated anxiety.

 

I can share a tip from my psychologist. Rather than just "listening to your body", try listening to your brain too. You recognize you feel tired, irritable, lethargic, etc. Now why do you feel the way you do? Are you trying to distract yourself negative emotions? Are you just bored? Do you feel helpless? What can you do to alleviate those feelings? Work backwards like you're solving a puzzle. Once you've discovered the problem, come up with an action plan. Write everything out in sentences, e.g. "I'm so exhausted because I haven't had a good nights' rest in a week. I stay up too late because I'm afraid of having dreams about my ex. Tonight I'll drink some chamomile tea and avoid electronic devices an hour before bed. Even if I do have a dream about my ex, it'll be okay."

 

Take care of yourself and splurge on a couple fancy salads. Hell, eat nothing but fancy salads if that's what it takes to keep you going strong. You will make it through this! You're already doing a fantastic job.

[Dawns eyes]

I agree with you about the physical ailments, I have bee overwhelmed by all of the issues you explained. Never in my 40 years have I experienced the physical pain that I have wit this break up.

 

The part that you said about feeling hungry but not eating. I am the same way. When I feel hungry at least I am feeling something.

 

I am three weeks post break up. I think I am entering the angry stage, which is also difficult. I wish I wasn't angry but I am.

[sorano]

Your workout regimen will come back. I know bc I have gone through it. I am back full swing. I tore my shoulder labrum and my girl friend dumped me. so I know.

 

Once you let time do its thing, you grieve, you analyze the situation, you will start to become happy again. Once you start to feel happy, your cortisol levels will start to drop, anxiety goes away, and your strength, passion for things will return. It will take way longer than 4 weeks. Do not get upset if you relapse. sometimes, you will feel better after a month or two. You feel like you are in the clear. Then you relapse for whatever reason. It happens. just keep working out.

[sorano]

I agree with you about the physical ailments, I have bee overwhelmed by all of the issues you explained. Never in my 40 years have I experienced the physical pain that I have wit this break up.

 

The part that you said about feeling hungry but not eating. I am the same way. When I feel hungry at least I am feeling something.

 

I am three weeks post break up. I think I am entering the angry stage, which is also difficult. I wish I wasn't angry but I am.

 

If you are in the angry stage in only 3 weeks than consider yourself lucky. Thats the final stage of letting go of a relationship. This usually takes months and months for most people. more than most I should say.

[offwithhishead]

Thought I'd share this story because I just feel like writing it and to whoever will listen.

 

My parents forced me to take classical piano lessons as a kid. I hated it. These were pre-Internet days where you couldn't just lookup a tutorial on how to play something on youtube. You had to sit with sheet music and figure out all the parts to play. And most of the pieces were pretty boring.

 

My parents and I fought about it throughout my childhood until I was about 13 and finally I quit and they accepted it. One of the questions that I always asked them is, what's the use of knowing how to play the piano? How does it benefit me?

 

They said that when you get older and you run into sad or difficult times in your life, you can turn to music as a means of comfort. I didn't buy it at the time. Of course, when you're a kid, I was much more interested in playing with friends, playing video games and just being out and about instead of playing century old music in a room.

 

Throughout my adulthood though, I still retain some piano skills. Surprisingly, these skills don't leave me. I'm also a huge fan of music and now with the internet, it's much easier to learn to play one's favorite songs.

 

I realized one of the greatest gifts my parents have ever given me is music. Because I have some musical skills, I'm also able to transfer it to learning the guitar which I'm currently making good progress on. It made me realize just how wise my parents' words were.

 

Dealing with a breakup is a very lonely process. I'm generally an introvert and I'm ok with being alone. But when dealing with a breakup, it feels very isolating as I imagine most of you know. Website articles will tell you that you should spend time with your friends and that you should try to avoid being alone and that you should even go out partying. Not all of us have this luxury.

 

In my case, a lot of my friends are in serious relationships and just don't have the time to babysit me. After hearing my story for the nth time over drinks, they'd just get tired of it and say, just move on already. Now don't get me wrong, my friends are wonderful people but there's only so much you can expect from them.

 

Sometimes it's ok to just spend time alone and be sad. And the great thing about playing an instrument is that it's entirely something you can do alone and it belongs to you.

 

Yah just thought I'd share that. I guess this applies to any artistic outlet. It's something you can do alone and brings some relief.

[offwithhishead]

This isn't revelatory in anyway and it's probably been mentioned before but...just thought I'd share a simple mind trick when there are days where you feel you can't do it anymore and feel the need to pour your heart out to your ex.

 

I'm struggling with this currently and there have been many close calls when I'm at my lowest but I just thought of this simple thought that might make you hesitate.

 

I'm assuming you're implementing NC because you're the dumpee. Now think back to previous times in your life where you dumped someone or when someone was interested in you but you didn't feel the same and turned them down.

 

Now imagine this person comes to you pouring their heart out whether it's a phone call, e-mail or whatever. They express how much you mean to them and how much they're suffering without you and how they feel their lives are over.

 

How would you feel? At the very best, you would feel guilt and remorse and pity for that person. After all, most likely this person is a good and doesn't deserve this kind of pain in his/her life. So yah, you would feel bad for this person. But really, ask yourself, how BAD do you really feel? Obviously not even remotely close enough to be with them, right?

 

That's how we humans are wired. We are capable of the most altruistic acts but we're also capable of the greatest cruelty. Not every Nazi was 100% evil. When we humans have the upper hand, our egos swell and even if we feel guilt/remorse/pity for the person, subconsciously our egos are swelling. We will always preserve our own self-interests over that of another person unless they are our children or blood relative.

 

So when you feel the urge to contact your ex, think about whether you want to give up your pride like that. Your ex isn't a bad person. You would do the same if you were in their shoes. It's basic human nature. They have the upper hand.

 

Also, suppose you really do care and love someone and you knew how much they were suffering without you, wouldn't you want to be with them to help alleviate their pain? Why would you want someone you care about go through that much suffering? So obviously if your ex cared enough, he/she would reach out and be with you. Since they haven't, it means they either don't care or don't care enough. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough?

 

I had a really bad day today. I had a dream about my ex last night and I woke up in a bad mood and it affected me for the entire day and I badly wanted to contact her tonight. But then I took a shower instead and this came to me while I was showering.

Edited June 21, 2016 by offwithhishead

[SixxChick]

So obviously if your ex cared enough, he/she would reach out and be with you. Since they haven't, it means they either don't care or don't care enough. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough?

 

Exactly. Don't make the biggest mistake that I made by not coming here sooner and learning all about NC. The only thing I got out of contacting him after my break-up was the realization that he doesn't really give a s*%t about me, and some loss of dignity. So, my only word for anybody who wants to do this is: DON'T.

 

It was a good idea to take a shower instead, offwithhishead.

[offwithhishead]

If there was any chance of reconciliation with my ex, it is entirely gone now. I actually don't feel as crushed as I thought I would. I almost feel an odd sense of relief because it serves a closure of sorts, a final nail in the coffin.

 

It's also acted as a motivator to finally have the guts to relocate to another city. In my current city, I have a good support network of family and friends but the dating prospects have never been good. It's not just from my own experience but plenty of people I know have commented on the same thing. I've been here for over 8 years and although this city has done wonders for my career and I've made wonderful close friends here, it just hasn't offered much in terms of dating prospects and new avenues of meeting people. I've exhausted all the ways in which to meet new and like-minded people here and the dating prospects are even worse. All my close friends are ones I met within a specific span of time. We met at the right moment and none of us have been too successful in making new friends. However, they are content as most of them are in serious relationships and just want to settle down.

 

The new city I am considering relocating to is a lot bigger and there is no guarantee that I'll make new friends or have better dating prospects but the demographics from a statistical point of view show better odds. And even if it doesn't work out socially, the change of scenery would be welcome.

 

My job offers me the freedom to relocate because I can telecommute so they don't care where I am. I am lucky in that respect.

 

This also isn't some sorta ploy to get my ex back. We are thoroughly done now and I've had over a month to think about our relationship objectively and although we had good times, we just weren't compatible fundamentally. Those problems would still exist even if we got back together.

 

I just feel this deep need to "start over." It's actually something I've always thought about doing over the years but something always held me back but this breakup situation has been the factor that has finally made me resolve to do it.

 

Best of yet, it finally feels good to have a goal and to finally do something. I've felt this sense of hopelessness and despair since my breakup without any way of moving forward. I've already started taking action. This weekend, I rented an airbnb place in the new city where I will be staying a couple days just to explore the city and to get a feel for it before making a final decision. I also have one close friend in that city and I will also consult him and talk it over with him.

 

Any of you done something similar? And how were your experiences? Please share any opinions/stories related to this.

Edited June 22, 2016 by offwithhishead

[Scottyboyy]

Just remember... Wherever you go, there YOU are.

[jen1447]

I've never done it but I admire your courage and determination.