Thought things were getting better

[JoeSimone68]

And then wife told me she plans to file for divorce and wants to see a mediator together. We had just started having (some) sex again. We were planning a vacation with our son. Blind sided. What s your experience with mediators.

[TennisGal]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

My husband and I "attended" a webinar by a mediation practice and plan to do that. We have worked out almost all things we can think of, though the mediator (who is an attorney) may raise more issues for us to consider.

 

It appears to be a lower-conflict way of resolving things. Time will tell.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Angelica21]

Hello, JoeSimone:

 

When two people begin a divorce, they may have a sense of whether their divorce process is going to be "no conflict", "normal conflict" or "high conflict". They will probably sense this based on what their marriage was like, what their personalities are like, what was the cause of the marriage break-up, and how long or briefly they've known that a divorce was coming.

 

Couples married a short time and/or with no children and/or with no disagreements about how to split finances will probably have little to no conflict. Couples in which one or both are highly volatile, or have mental illness or personality disorder, or greedy or competitive about "winning" will have high conflict. Most other divorcing couples fall in the middle of normals or typical conflict.

 

So the amount of expected conflict exists BEFORE you decide whether to hire traditional attorneys, collaborative attorneys, or a mediator. Who you hire does not necessarily reduce or increase conflict, but simply reflects the amount of conflict that's already there.

 

Before I continue, I want you to keep in mind that about 90% of divorces are settled out of court without ever appearing before a judge. Only about 10% go all the way to a court trial in front of a judge.

 

I'll give you a quick tutorial about the basic three approaches for a divorce: "traditional", "collaborative" and "mediation".

 

"Traditional" - each spouse hires their own attorney. Even when each person has their own attorney, it's still possible for the divorcing couple to meet privately to discuss children and finances, and they can make tentative ideas and agreements to ask their attorneys. If a couple cannot communicate directly, they can communicate via attorney, but the communication process can be non-hostile and civil. in 90% of cases, the divorcing couple and their traditional attorneys create an agreement that both the husband ans wife can acctpy. However, the the husband, his attorney, the wife, and her attorney really can't reach an agreement, then they all four go to court and have the judge make a decision. Again, this only happens in about 10% of cases.

 

"Collaborative" - each spouse hires their own attorney, and everything works just like the traditional approach except for one key difference: collaborative attorneys state right from the beginning that they will only work with you for any negotiations and discussions outside of court, but they will not go to court and appear with before a judge. If the divorcing couple and each of their collaborative attorneys cannot reach an agreement, then the divorcing couple must go and find different attorney and begin again. In other words, the collaborative attorney process is set up and intended for a divorcing couple who wants to make an honest effort at reaching an agreement, even if that honest effort does include some arguments along the way.

 

"Mediation" - one mediator meets with both the husband and the wife, sometimes alone or sometimes together. The mediator finds out what the starting point is, and helps the divorcing couple to understand what questions they must ask themselves, and helps them put together an agreement that they can both accept. Both the husband and wife must approve of the mediation process, and must respect the mediator and understand how it all works. Certain people are impossible candidates for mediation. If the husband or wife have mental illness, or anger issues, or certain personality disorders, they will not be able to participate in a communicative mediation session, or they may be too selfish or greedy to a agree to a reasonable, fair and equitable settlement. Those type of people probably need to use the traditonal attorney approach, where everyone tries to create an acceptable agreement, even if there is lots of argument and disagreement along the way, but with a traditional attorney they have the option of being one of the 10% of cases who choose to appears in a court trial before a judhe because they cannot negotiate a settlement an other way.

 

So, JoeSimone, learning all this, do you believe that you and your wife are basically "low conflict", "normal conflict" or "high conflict"?

 

Which of the approaches sound like a good fit for you?