Does this sound like he left me for his ex?

[Trinity7]

Hi all.. Guess I need to get this out. Sorry it's so long.

 

It’s been 6 days since my breakup and today is day 3 of NC. This was a short-lived (4 month) but very intense relationship.. I’m embarrassed that I’m so heartbroken over something that didn’t last that long, but for some reason I am more devastated than I’ve been over years long relationships ending. Here goes:

 

It takes a lot for me to be interested in someone, I’m very independent and when I’m on a roll of being happily single, I’m hard pressed to give it up unless it’s for someone really special. So historically I’ve gone at least 2 years, sometimes up to 5, between relationships. I met this awesome guy 4 months ago and we just had an instant soul connection. I’ve never felt anything like it before.

 

From early on I was convinced he was The One. And that is really weird for me because I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone I would want to be with forever (fyi we’re both in our 30s). The feeling was mutual and we quickly began a very intense relationship. He lives a couple hours away from me, so we would text nonstop during the week and he would stay at my house Friday afternoons through Monday mornings every week.

 

Everything was perfect, he treated me like gold, our sex life was awesome, it just couldn’t have been any better. Over Memorial day weekend he had plans to go out of state to visit his kids, and I was looking forward to having a little time for myself. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with having no alone time due to him being here all weekend every weekend. At the last minute his pass got denied and he ended up staying in town. I said I’d still like to have the weekend to myself to recharge and catch up on things. He got moody and distant and didn’t seem to be taking it very well.

 

It turned into a bit of an argument when I got annoyed about him not handling giving me some space. That argument turned into him saying he needed to come down to see me and make sure I wasn’t upset at him anymore. I relented and we ended up having a great weekend.

 

We had another great weekend together the following weekend, the 3rd-6th of June, but I was still feeling like I needed a weekend to myself to recharge. During the 3rd-6th he was as sweet as ever, telling me I was his everything and all that jazz. Everything went good and normal on Monday and Tuesday morning of last week. Then on Tuesday afternoon I told him I didn’t think I could hang out the upcoming weekend because I had a lot of work and things to catch up on. He said that it sucked and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself, but he seemed to be taking it well, so I was glad he wasn’t going to overreact like he had over Memorial day.

 

However, like an hour later I was on his Facebook page and saw that he had just deleted the posts I had commented on, memes and stuff like that. I texted him and asked what the deal was. He made it a joke and was like, “Oh I just didn’t want those memes on my page anymore.” I responded with just “hm” and didn’t say anything else because I was hurt and didn’t believe him. Like, what a coincidence, you're upset about me not wanting to hang out and you suddenly deleted all signs of me off your page.. Yah right.

 

Later that evening he texted me asking how work had been. I answered pretty short with “Not bad, pretty nice out at least.” Didn’t hear from him the rest of that night, but I wasn’t worried about it because I was still miffed that he had deleted our posts.

 

Wednesday around noon he reached out again saying “You mad?” I responded “No, just hurt.” And he said “About what?” and I said “About you lying and being shady.” And that was the last I heard from him that day. By Wednesday night I was wondering what the hell was going on, so I texted him and told him I hated that we weren’t talking. He responded very angrily that he wasn’t going to deal with me calling him a liar. I responded that I had been hurt about him deleting anything I commented on like he didn’t want people to see we were talking.

 

Things escalated and he suddenly said that maybe he jumped into things too fast and he needed some space and time to clear his head. I thought it was weird seeing as he hadn’t taken it well when I had told him I needed space a couple days prior.. I figured he was just trying to hurt me back because he had been hurt over me not wanting to hang out for once. But then I got on his Facebook and saw that he was posting things on his wall and tagging his most recent ex on them

 

I had her blocked, so if he didn’t want me to see him talking to her he would’ve just posted the articles on her page and I would’ve been none the wiser.. So I took it as him wanting to hurt me, and it did. I unblocked her to snoop and saw that within one hour of me telling him on Tuesday that I needed the weekend to myself, he had been commenting on her pictures and posts.

 

That’s when I started my downward spiral. Thursday morning he texted me asking how I was doing and I said I was broken hearted. He said that he wasn’t going anywhere, he just needed time to get his head straight. I tried to talk to him about it throughout the afternoon, but he was very cold and unresponsive.

 

I asked how and why things had escalated to him needing a break seemingly overnight and he said “Because you got mad at me for no reason.” And that’s the last thing he has said to me. At first I swallowed my pride and apologized and basically poured my heart out. I told him this was really important to me to talk about and to please not leave me hanging by ignoring me. He didn’t respond.

 

Of course I was watching his Facebook page and Thursday evening he tagged his ex in yet another post and they were being buddy buddy in the comments. That pushed me over the edge into anger, so I started shutting down. So by that night after still not hearing from him, I was so hurt I blocked him on FB and sent the following text:

 

“I’ve thought long and hard, and I just don’t see any way we could get past all that has transpired these last couple days If your reaction to a minor argument is so huge, how would we ever get past anything real? I don’t do well with people who shut down when the going gets tough. I need to talk and resolve things immediately before they get too big.

I’m having a really hard time fitting the image of the perfect guy I thought I knew with this cold, distant person you’re being towards me now.. It’s just not jiving. Something is off, and since you don’t feel up to talking about it, I’m left to draw my own conclusions.. From what I can gather, none of it bodes well.

I hope we don’t regret our respective decisions and actions—I’ve had the misfortune of being in the dating world a few times, and what I thought we had was once in a lifetime $hit.. But I’m left to think now that it was an illusion, and that’s beyond heartbreaking. It’s scary and it’s going to hurt me more than you know or care, but I’ve got to say I’m done. I’m sorry, I truly am. I wish the best for you.”

 

At the time I sent it, I meant it and did not think I would regret it. Later, I secretly hoped it would prompt him into action. He has always been so sweet and attentive to me, I really didn’t think he’d be able to just let it go at that. He didn’t respond of course. We went all day Friday without talking and by Saturday morning I was so heartbroken, I reached out to him one last time with:

 

“I’m really struggling with all of this, and I still can’t understand how things went from so good to so bad so fast. Can you call me or come over to talk about things? I’m too scared to call you because it would kill me if you didn’t answer. You mean the world to me and I can’t just let it go like this.”

 

And he didn’t answer That’s the last text I sent. It’s been 3 days. I just really can’t wrap my head around how quickly we went from everything to nothing. To me it looks like he ran straight to his ex for comfort as soon as he felt rejected or whatever by me asking for a weekend off. He was pretty needy and didn’t do very well during the week when we weren’t together, so I feel like he wouldn't have had the strength to keep from talking to me unless he was filling the void some other way.

 

Or maybe they were talking the whole time, who knows? I think he deleted the posts I had commented on because he re-friended her and didn’t want her to see that we were talking. And then in my eyes he started trying to hurt me purposefully by doing it where he knew I’d see it. I think he escalated the tiff about him deleting the FB post as a way to push me away, but why?

 

None of it makes any sense to me I’m positively gutted about the whole thing. I regret having sent the breakup text, but feel like he is the one that did the breaking up. I know you guys can’t give me the answers I wish I had, but any thoughts or advice is really appreciated. I’m not doing well and I don’t know what to do… I can't eat, can barely sleep, am crying constantly, can't concentrate, etc. etc.

 

Should I reach out one last time to let him know I don’t want to breakup? Do you think he’ll reach out again? Any insight as to how this whole thing even happened? I’m desperate. Thank you xx

 

tl;dr

 

Tuesday: Tell boyfriend I need a weekend apart to recharge and catch up on things around the house.. He doesn't take it well, deletes all of our posts on his FB and starts talking to his ex on FB within an hour of me asking for a weekend apart. I ask him why he deleted our posts and he lies and says he just didn't want those memes and stuff on his wall anymore. I get mad

 

Wednesday: Boyfriend still not speaking to me, I reach out, he responds angrily claiming to be very upset that I "called him a liar" over deleting the posts. I swallow my pride and apologize even though I think it's shady that he's talking to his ex on his wall where he knows I'll see it. Says he needs a break. Posts things to his ex publicly on FB.

 

Thursday: I try to talk to him about how things escalated to this level and he is cold and unresponsive. Tells me this is all because I "got mad at him for no reason" and hasn't said a word since. Still publicly posting things to his ex on FB. I tell him I can't deal with it anymore and I'm done. No response.

 

Friday: No contact on either side

 

Saturday: I reach out asking if we can talk about things. No response.

 

Today: Day 3 of NC Devastated, regretful, angry, hurt, confused, broken hearted and wanting answers

[PegNosePete]

It sounds as though he was never not talking to his ex, and he was always going to go back to her. Just waiting for you to put the slightest foot wrong (in his eyes) to use as an excuse to dump you.

 

But really, it doesn't matter. He's made it pretty clear through his actions that he's not interested in a relationship with you. Keep your dignity and just walk away.

[Trinity7]

Thank you, I'm pretty sure you're spot on And yes, when it's all said and done, I'd like to know I kept my dignity in the end.

 

I wish the "what-ifs" weren't torturing me along with the constant questions going through my head about whether or not any of it was real. He really seemed like a decent guy and never treated me like anything but a princess until this happened. It's hard to grasp how someone who was just telling you he saw a wonderful future with you he had never dared dream was possible and that you were his everything and all that could just flip the switch overnight. Hate that

 

Thanks again for your reply. x I'm trying to hammer it into my head.

[Toodaloo]

There are no what if's because there never was...

 

Oh he may have thought so at the time and gone along with it carried away in the romance and sex and all that but reality comes crashing down...

 

Go no contact. It does help.

 

And for goodness sake woman its only been a few days! You can be upset about this! Don't be so hard on yourself! If you need to cry then cry - at least it shows you are human!

 

Good news is that you will get over this and there is a plethora of wonderful men out there just wishing they could date a girl like you. Well once you have dried your tears and blown your nose they will now get the chance!

[Zahara]

Thank you, I'm pretty sure you're spot on And yes, when it's all said and done, I'd like to know I kept my dignity in the end.

 

I wish the "what-ifs" weren't torturing me along with the constant questions going through my head about whether or not any of it was real. He really seemed like a decent guy and never treated me like anything but a princess until this happened. It's hard to grasp how someone who was just telling you he saw a wonderful future with you he had never dared dream was possible and that you were his everything and all that could just flip the switch overnight. Hate that

 

Thanks again for your reply. x I'm trying to hammer it into my head.

 

They always treat you like a princess in the beginning. Don't be caught off by the sweeping off your feet when the relationship is young and exciting. Who they truly are emerges soon enough and this is who he is.

 

The red flags -- controlling of your time, pouty when he doesn't get his way, the silent treatment, moves on to another woman when he's not getting attention, etc. You dodged a bullet. This guy reminds me off my ex. Swift off the blocks, gets you attached and then they show you who they are.

[Trinity7]

Thank you Zahara and Toodaloo! Your replies do help and give me strength. I keep chanting to myself "He is not the man you thought he was or this wouldn't be happening." It's just so hard to reconcile my image of him with this new cold side. But I'm getting there.

 

It's hard to stop thinking about all the hugely romantic things he said all day every day. I thought at the time that it all seemed too good to be true, my Prince Charming had finally found me.. But yah, not so much :/

 

I agree, no one is gonna be interested in me with this snotty nose and puffy eyes! Hopefully I can whip myself back into shape sooner than later. And hey, I always say the breakup diet is the most effective diet, so at least I've got that going for me

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara and Toodaloo! Your replies do help and give me strength. I keep chanting to myself "He is not the man you thought he was or this wouldn't be happening." It's just so hard to reconcile my image of him with this new cold side. But I'm getting there.

 

It's hard to stop thinking about all the hugely romantic things he said all day every day. I thought at the time that it all seemed too good to be true, my Prince Charming had finally found me.. But yah, not so much :/

 

I agree, no one is gonna be interested in me with this snotty nose and puffy eyes! Hopefully I can whip myself back into shape sooner than later. And hey, I always say the breakup diet is the most effective diet, so at least I've got that going for me

 

You're lucky he emerged 4 months into your relationship. Painful as it is you're going to get through this. Imagine having spent a year or more, having invested in family, etc. -- this is a blessing. You don't see it right now, but in time you will be thankful.

[Trinity7]

Thank you Zahara.. I know you're right. Especially now...

 

I'm an idiot and just snooped on his ex's Facebook.. She only has her posts public back to Memorial Day, but from then on they are talking and being friendly.

 

When I think about it, Memorial Day weekend was the first time I had tried to take some time for myself and he got upset about that, so I guess he reached out to her to fill the void and they rekindled things. Then he strung me along for almost 2 weeks, still telling me daily how much I meant to him and how he'd never let me go.

 

I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do. I want to text him and ask him why he didn't just tell me instead of picking a fight and making me think it was all my fault. I'm going to try not to text him though. He isn't the man I thought he was. Heartbroken.

[Zahara]

I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do. I want to text him and ask him why he didn't just tell me instead of picking a fight and making me think it was all my fault. I'm going to try not to text him though. He isn't the man I thought he was. Heartbroken.

 

Trinity, this guy is not the guy you think he is, therefore expecting honesty or transparency is unrealistic. Even if you texted him, trust that he'll ignore it and give you the silent treatment. Do you even think he's going to care about having a rational and adult conversation with you? His way of communicating is pouting and silencing you. You'll get nothing back.

 

Save yourself even more pain and barrel through this. You can't get comfort from what pains you. So stay away from him and stop snooping. Whether he's with his ex, whether he's out there trolling for a new woman, etc., this is a bullet dodged.

[EgoJoe]

You're alive and there will be things that happen in your life that will make this look like a hiccup compared to a gunshot wound.

 

Take this time to gain perspective, gather your self respect and will yourself to move on.

 

You can give yourself solace by knowing that all of your mistakes will eventually create a sense of enlightenment when dealing with others but you pay the price for this experience in the present. True wisdom is when you exercise the advice of others.

 

To address your post: He is an emotionally immature, short-sighted and selfish individual with a shallow delusional idea of what love is.

 

The quicker they attach; the more you realize why they were so easy to let their guard down and engage in a true relationship.

 

Slower is better. My advice is to move on now before you end up the third wheel in an ambulance.

[Trinity7]

Thanks again Zahara, and thank you EgoJoe for the insightful replies... I'll re read them over and over til they stick. Can't believe I got played. I'm usually really good at reading people. Should've trusted my gut when I started thinking it had to be too good to be true. Guess my desire for love clouded my intuition.

 

I'm trying to bring myself to block them both on Facebook again.. He posted a little while ago that they're meeting up this Thursday for 10 days (she lives out of state) And I'm guessing how it goes will determine whether or not they get back together. At this point they both still have their relationship statuses as single. I know I shouldn't snoop or worry about it at this point.. It's so hard not to look

 

Guess I have to take those ten days to get myself to a point where I wouldn't respond to him if things aren't all sunshine and roses with his ex on this trip (he dumped her) and he tries to hit me up when he gets back. God this sucks.

[Satu]

Here's a clipping from my journals:

 

 

The Manic Defences of the Rebound.

 

 

Rebound relationships are fuelled by a desperate attempt to escape the pain caused by loss.

 

"Smallness, dependence, separateness, feeling you have injured your good object, are all fairly obvious to the eye and not easily denied if one is facing reality. But reality is pretty painful much of the time in childhood, even when you have an intact family that is living harmoniously. Most children naturally gravitate to wishful ideas, the most fundamental of all being the idea that there is magic, and you can have it and instantly erase all of the pains I just outlined.

 

Every area of life that lends itself to the possibility that there might be magic will be seized for the use as magic. If I put on mom’s bra, it will magically give me breasts and I can feed myself. If I pick up daddy’s cordless drill, I will be able to do anything he can do, maybe even marry mom and be her husband."

 

Source here.

 

A rebound relationship is used as a magic charm to evade pain.

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

Guess I have to take those ten days to get myself to a point where I wouldn't respond to him if things aren't all sunshine and roses with his ex on this trip (he dumped her) and he tries to hit me up when he gets back. God this sucks.

 

The way to do that would be to block him from contacting you. Nothing more will or should come out of this. He's not good for you.

[Trinity7]

Thanks again guys.. Satu, I really appreciate you sharing that.. My now ex often talked about how it was like magic and whatnot that he was led to me :/ Takes on a different tone now.

 

Zahara, I know you're right.. I have to. At my best friend's house now trying to talk through why I subconsciously only get feelings for unavailable guys. I've got to figure out a way to break that pattern. I truly don't consciously realize it when I'm going into it, but in hindsight I can always see that they were unavailable in some way be it emotionally or physically or whatever.

 

It's like the only time I feel what seem like "real" emotions for people is when they don't genuinely love me.. But it's not a conscious choice or I certainly wouldn't choose it for myself Don't know how to overcome it, but trying to dig deeper. I think it's been at the root of all my failed relationships and I'm finally seeing the commonality.

 

I know I've always considered myself a commitmentphobe because I lose feelings for people quickly when they start showing they truly like me. And it's not something I've ever been able to address because it is literally like my feelings turn off and I don't ever regain them. I think this is what I'm supposed to take away from this. It's time to figure it out somehow or I'll never have true love.

 

I thought things were different with this guy because I grew the feelings for him even though he was always showing and saying that he was so in love with me. I think that's how I deceived myself into thinking he must be The One. But as it turned out, I went for yet another unavailable guy. How the f*** does one stop that cycle when you don't even realize it's happening? How did my subconscious know he was unavailable when there were no outward signs of it? So crazy.. Ugh, don't even know where to begin. But at least I know what I have to examine.

[sooshi]

Trinity, I'm sorry you're hurting. The others are right--you've dodged a bullet!

 

You have the right to take time for yourself, and him not being okay with that is a huge red flag. His lack of transparency and unwillingness to openly communicate are also red flags. You seem like a really sweet girl, and you deserve so much better than what he was able to offer you. So much better!

[Trinity7]

Thank you Sooshi xx Taking all my willpower to not text him right now. One minute at a time I suppose :/

[Zahara]

Half the battle won is having the self-awareness to know that something's wrong and the ability to be reflective into one's issues and shortcomings. Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? It takes a few tries before you find one that fits you but it certainly is worth the effort. I was once where you are having been in relationship after relationship with emotionally unavailable men.

[Trinity7]

@ Zahara It'd probably be a great time to try it-- I've thought about it in the past, but always figured I was getting the same insights talking things through my closest friends. But this is one thing I haven't been able to overcome that way... Obviously Thanks for planting the seed, hopefully it'll sprout in me

[Zahara]

@ Zahara It'd probably be a great time to try it-- I've thought about it in the past, but always figured I was getting the same insights talking things through my closest friends. But this is one thing I haven't been able to overcome that way... Obviously Thanks for planting the seed, hopefully it'll sprout in me

 

The best relationship is the one you have with yourself. So make that investment and do whatever it takes to help you overcome and understand what you believe is a pattern that has been holding you back. It doesn't hurt to take that step, especially when it's in the right direction.

 

Stay strong! Don't text him.

[sooshi]

I like Zahara's suggestion of seeing a therapist. I can understand the feeling that you'd get the insights as you would get from talking with your closest friends. That might be the case, but like Zahara said, finding a therapist that fits you is certainly worth the effort. The first one I had was the right match for me, and she really helped me to heal.

 

She definitely gave me different perspectives than any friends did. She was very rational and non-judgmental, whereas friends tended to be more emotional and judgmental, and sticking to my side and against my ex, and were biased in that way. A good match of a therapist will be non-judgmental and can help you work through your emotions, etc., and help you come out more self-compassionate and self-empowered.

 

Of course, posting on here is a good thing to do while you decide what other courses of action you can pursue in your healing journey.

[Trinity7]

Thank you both I think it's a good plan and really great advice from you both. I appreciate it more than you know!

 

The worst of the urge to text him or snoop has passed.. For tonight anyway Got some food down and am going to try to fall asleep early.

[sooshi]

There may continue to be urges to contact him or to snoop on him. Ask yourself if it is doing you more good or harm to actually act on those impulses.

 

If you decide that it would hurt you, but you do it anyway, I hope you won't feel guilty about it. Sometimes the stress and anxiety of NOT doing something is worse than actually doing it. Still, I encourage you to write on here if you do feel the urge to contact him. You can pretend you're talking to him and tell us what you'd say.

 

You have a very sweet energy and I really hope you find someone who will be in a nourishing and committed relationship with you. I know you will. In the meantime, you have some healing to do, and it looks like you care about yourself enough to do just that.

[Toodaloo]

Oh honey this guy sounds even worse! So the minute you want to do something for yourself he runs off with another woman! Dear Lord above that wasn't just a bullet you dodged but a full on neuc.

 

Sleep well, eat well, take a moment to enjoy the sunshine. You can forget this guy. It was all an act.

 

There are some really fantastic genuine guys out there. Go grab yourself one of those instead.

[Trinity7]

Thank you for the continued support. I'm having a rough morning. Woke up from a dream about him and have had anxiety ever since. I don't understand how he went from telling me daily how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how he could see all the stepping stones he took in life to lead him to me to just never talking to me again. I still can't compute it and it's eating me up. I did manage to maintain NC so am on day 4 now. Haven't snooped on FB since yesterday evening. It got too painful as him and his ex were openly flirting and talking up a storm on his wall. I just can't stop thinking, how come I wasn't enough for him?

[Toodaloo]

There is a book by someone called Natalie Lue. Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl...

 

If you can get your hands on a copy it would probably help you.

 

She also wrote the no contact rule.

 

What you are going through is normal. Do not worry about it. Eventually all of this will go away.

 

To make that happen faster get out and do fun things. Go see your friends, visit family, take up sports or take on a new class to learn something new. Go and try your hand at silly fun things like taking a segway tour or indoor skydiving or what ever happens to take your fancy! Try new foods, visit new places. Look around your town and go to the places you haven't been before.

 

At some point you will suddenly realise you haven't thought about him at all and you are happy and relaxed...