Does this sound like he left me for his ex?

[Zahara]

I just can't stop thinking, how come I wasn't enough for him?

 

The first thing we do is devalue ourselves. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. His decision not to "pick" you does not define your value.

 

He's emotionally stunted and dysfunctional. He detached the moment you chose to have needs. He chose to silence you the moment you had a voice. A man that detaches just as quickly as he attaches isn't able to love in a healthy manner. His behavior has no bearing on your worth. It has absolutely everything to do with his warped mindset.

 

He's ingrained and patterned this way and you like every other woman will go through the same thing because this is who he is -- based only on how HIS needs and wants are satisfied will determine where you stand in his life.

 

In time you will start to see the red flags raising in your head. You're clouded right now to see him for who he really is but in time you'll count your lucky stars you only invested 4 months out of your life on this nutjob.

[Trinity7]

Thanks Toodaloo Those are all great suggestions.. I definitely do a little better when I stay occupied. Maybe I'll have the strength to get out and try something new next week. I have no physical or emotional energy at the moment, but I know it'll eventually pass.. Saw a good quote the other day-- "Sometimes the fear doesn't pass, so you'll have to do it afraid." I know I'm strong enough to get through this.. I have no choice anyway. Just trying to get above it and trust it's unfolding how it's supposed to.

[Trinity7]

The first thing we do is devalue ourselves. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. His decision not to "pick" you does not define your value.

 

He's emotionally stunted and dysfunctional. He detached the moment you chose to have needs. He chose to silence you the moment you had a voice. A man that detaches just as quickly as he attaches isn't able to love in a healthy manner. His behavior has no bearing on your worth. It has absolutely everything to do with his warped mindset.

 

He's ingrained and patterned this way and you like every other woman will go through the same thing because this is who he is -- based only on how HIS needs and wants are satisfied will determine where you stand in his life.

 

In time you will start to see the red flags raising in your head. You're clouded right now to see him for who he really is but in time you'll count your lucky stars you only invested 4 months out of your life on this nutjob.

 

I really appreciate the insight, it does bring me comfort. I read through everyone's responses over and over as they hit me differently in different moments. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out. I know you've got him pegged for what he must've been.. Now I just have to get my heart to catch up with my brain!

[Zahara]

I really appreciate the insight, it does bring me comfort. I read through everyone's responses over and over as they hit me differently in different moments. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out. I know you've got him pegged for what he must've been.. Now I just have to get my heart to catch up with my brain!

 

If there's one important thing you need to do, it is to not devalue yourself. You can do whatever else - scream, cry, go over his words, pine for him etc. but do not tear at your self-worth just because this guy has behaved badly. Don't go there.

[Trinity7]

NC day 4 coming to a close.. Awful day for the most part. Hoping I'll be able to get some sleep.. My work is suffering because I'm so distracted and physically weak.

 

He leaves tomorrow to go visit his ex and be with her for 10 days. Even though snooping and thus learning that yesterday hurt me, I'm glad I know. It was kind of the final nail in the coffin for me. Didn't snoop at all today. None of it matters anymore.

 

Evil me hopes they have an awful time and that the same issues they must've had before in order for it to have ended rear their heads again. Despondent me figures she'll be on best behavior and will win him back. Logical me knows I shouldn't even be thinking about any of it. And enlightenment-seeking me just wishes him happiness. Sigh.

 

Hope you all had a better day than me x

[sooshi]

Isn't it fascinating how different parts of us cause us to have different perspectives of the same situation?

 

You say you're physically weak. Are you eating well enough? I know it's hard when you're suffering. Try to get some nourishing foods in your today.

 

Take care.

[Trinity7]

Hey Sooshi.. Hope your day is off to an ok start

 

No, I haven't really been able to eat this week.. Really nauseas and sick with grief.. I know you're right though.. I'll try to get down a smoothie or something.

 

I got back to meditating last night and that got me at least relaxed enough to fall asleep.

 

Don't know how I'm going to get through today, knowing he's leaving to see her when he gets off work. Hurts so much

[sooshi]

How are you feeling now?

 

I hope you had a smoothie or something nourishing.

 

I am glad that meditating helped you feel relaxed enough to sleep last night. Maybe some gentle, peaceful music could be helpful in connecting with the peaceful part of you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Here is something I've learned over the years and I know about myself as well, and take it for what it's worth of course considering we don't know each other:

 

Whenever your partner is confronted with a lie and their instant reaction is outrage and anger it likely is a lie, it is a tactic used to divert the attention from having to explain something.

 

Whenever your partner is confronted with a lie and they know they are not lying but they also care about you deeply they will take the time to explain what happened in a calm and loving manner in order to reassure you that you are mistaken. If you try this approach and they insist you are lying then you might end up getting angry because we don't like to be mistrusted.

 

the key is in the initial reaction. In my experience instant anger and "being offended" means they are lying.

[Trinity7]

Made it through yesterday better than I anticipated.. Still NC and no snooping. Felt pretty good last night, but woke up this morning to those awful thoughts and anxiety. It takes most of the day for me to get myself above them again :/

 

Sooshi-- thank you, I did get down a hard boiled egg, granola bar and piece of sausage yesterday Baby steps. I met up with a friend and was able to laugh a few times. It was a good distraction. Trying to keep busy.

 

SunKissedPatio-- You are exactly right unfortunately As it turns out he totally was lying about why he deleted the FB posts.. It was exactly as I feared-- he deleted them because he had refriended his ex and didn't want her to see them. I guess this "getting angry when called out" behavior is something I'll have to watch for as a red flag in the future What's that saying? Me thinks he doth protest too much? Something like that.. So yah, really sucks

 

Sending positive vibes to all of us broken hearted today x

[sooshi]

Trinity, I'm glad you were able to eat some food and spend some time with a friend. It's important to take those steps to nourishing yourself.

 

What can you do today to take care of yourself?

[Elliejayde]

No advice, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you

[Trinity7]

Thanks guys <3 Can't stop thinking about him being there with her, touching her, telling her she's beautiful, that he loves her.. All the things he said and did with me.. It just plain hurts and sucks. He would've gotten to her house sometime in the night or early this morning if he started driving right after work yesterday.

 

I have a busy workday today, so have been keeping somewhat distracted. Going to meet my parents for dinner later. Have found a couple breakup songs that bring me comfort. I vacillate between anger and despair.. Mostly despair Will try to catch up on you guys' stories over the weekend.. I haven't been able to offer much help to anyone when I'm so down, but I'm thinking of you all and feel good knowing I'm not alone x

[sooshi]

Sweet Trinity, I hope you have a good day today with work and with your parents at dinner.

 

I'm glad you've found music that brings you comfort. It's okay to feel what you feel, even though those feelings don't feel good.

 

It's hard to take care of others when we're not taking care of ourselves. Make yourself be your priority.

 

This song helped me after my first engagement (with the same guy who broke up with me recently) ended in December 2013. I hope it helps you too.

 

I'm listening to it now that I've brought it up, and it brings out tears and different emotions.

 

This one inspires me, strengthens me, and I hope it can do something similar for you.

[Elliejayde]

Trinity, I'm in exactly the same place. If I can help you, please get in touch. I'm in a real mess today, haven't the energy to get out of bed, although I really need too. Please don't suffer alone xx

[Trinity7]

Sooshi-- thank you so much for posting the songs for me! That was so thoughtful. I'll listen to them when I get home from work. Hope you're doing ok today! x

 

Elliejayde-- I'm so sorry you're in this awful headspace too I let myself lay around and be miserable for a while, but have been trying to keep busy these last few days, and it is helping. Do whatever feels right to you in the moment x. You can always talk to me too!

 

I'm feeling a bit better and more clearheaded today.. It comes and goes. Not looking at their Facebooks these last few days has helped.. I don't even want to know how their reunion is going. Yuck.

 

I took a shower this morning which was quite a feat-- I hadn't been taking care of myself since this all went down, so yah, like a week.. Gross, I know! lol. Put on some makeup and changed clothes.. I feel more human again now.. It's the little things

 

I am having more moments of clarity and have moments where I actually believe I'll be ok again. Hope it lasts. I just keep telling myself it's his loss-- I would've spent my life trying to make him happy. If he's dumb enough to pass on me, good riddance!! (Now to just really internalize that sentiment :/)

 

We all deserve better.. XX

[Trinity7]

Ugh, awful day.. Nothing new to report, just had a couple of less miserable days so thought I was doing good.. Nope. All came crashing down again when I woke up today and stuck with me the whole day.

 

Spent most of Father's Day dinner with my dad crying, which was awesome seeing as we were out at a restaurant :/. Pretty embarrassing. My parents are great and try to be supportive, but they're in their late 60s and are pretty far removed from remembering heartbreak. In fact they've been together since high school so probably never had broken hearts-- I'm glad for that, wouldn't wish it on an enemy!! Well, maybe I'd wish it on my ex.. lol.

 

But no, I doubt he's feeling any pain. Just the rush of being back together with his ex. If all the crazy and awful things he told me about her are true, then he really is dumb to get back with her and expect things to be different. He just better not have the audacity to come sniffing back around me when they collapse again. Though I admit it'd stroke my ego

 

Glad this day is winding down.. I think I'm drained enough to get some sleep. NC day 8 coming to a close. Damn, it feels like months have passed. Here's to a better week for us all x

[bummer]

I keep chanting to myself "He is not the man you thought he was or this wouldn't be happening."

 

 

It's hard to stop thinking about all the hugely romantic things he said all day every day. I thought at the time that it all seemed too good to be true, my Prince Charming had finally found me.. But yah, not so much :/

 

I use a similar mantra when my mind gets tangled. "Shes not who you thought she was. She didn't love you or she'd still be next to you."

 

Way too good to be true. This guy sounds like a real Casanova. Too bad his charm wasn't enough to cover his stench of rotting dependence on you for emotional validation. He just needed you to fill exactly the holes he needed. When you showed you were a real person and not just his rebound blow- up doll for support, he balked and ran back to mommy (his ex) for comfort. Poor baby.

[Trinity7]

Well put bummer, thank you I'm still beating myself up for falling for his charms.. I'm usually very good at reading people! Guess my intuition got clouded by the romance of it all. Hopefully I won't fall for such a thing again!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Any updates on your situation Trinity? how are you managing these days?

[Trinity7]

I'm a little better, thank you for asking Basically I feel like $hit in the morning, but am able to slowly get myself to a good mind space by the evening. But it starts over again the next morning :/ Oh well, at least I'm getting some sleep.

 

Today I've pretty much convinced myself that he's just a liar and that none of it was real. Maybe I just straight up got played. If that's the case, damn he's good. In my heart I believe there's more to it than that, but it's easier for me to just think about him as a POS instead of trying to analyze where he was coming from with all of it.. It's just too mentally draining.

 

Still no contact to or from him. He's just a few days into his 10 day vacation with his ex, so I'm sure I'm the last thing on his mind. But I like to think that once he gets back home and is alone again, thoughts of me will creep in. Since I'm processing all the pain and whatnot now, I'll be through it sooner than later. He's just postponing the uncomfortable feelings with the distraction of her.. Mind you this is only if anything with me was real and he's actually capable of remorse

 

It's funny how dumpees and dumpers can go through the same stages, but it's always at different times. Every ex I've had has come back around at some point, but without fail it is after I'm already healed and moved on. We go through the grieving process immediately while they don't hit it until much later. Particularly when they have a new (or renewed in my ex's case) relationship to distract them

[Trinity7]

Well, in case anyone is wondering where my head is, I figured I’d get some more thoughts out on here.. lol.

 

I keep going back and forth between anger and compassion towards my ex. It’s hard to just hate him because I can almost understand what might have happened. I’m afraid in my situation, me and him got together too soon after his previous longterm (8 years, kids together) relationship ended. While he was the one that ended that relationship, I’m sure he was still having doubts and whatnot about it. In fact I asked him quite a few times if he wanted time before we got serious so he could work through any lingering doubts/feelings. He always said no, he had fallen out of love years prior but stayed in it for the kids. I tried to keep the pace of our relationship slow, but he was gung ho and eventually won over my misgivings.

 

But now that he is talking to/seeing his ex again, I see I was correct in thinking he wasn’t sure if ending their relationship was the right thing and he still had some back and forth thoughts, and that’s totally understandable! I just wish he would’ve told me he wasn’t sure about his feelings for his ex and needed space to explore that instead of picking a fight and then disappearing on me, and he definitely should’ve ended things with me or told me how he was feeling before he started talking with her again while we were together.

 

I don’t know if they’ll reconcile or not.. I don’t know if anything he told me throughout our time together was true anymore. According to him it was a loveless and sexless relationship in the final year or 2. He talked often about the ways they had been incompatible (in relation to how things were with us). Things like, “I have fun no matter what we’re doing together.. It was never like that with my ex.” Or “I love how we can talk for hours, I couldn’t do that with my ex.” and on and on. But if that was the case, why is he questioning his decision and (assumedly) trying to get back together with her now?

 

I have been thinking about a little thing I saw on her Facebook page when I first discovered they were talking again, and I think it may have something to do with it—there was a post on her page where she was openly flirting with some guy, and later that very same day seems to be when my now ex started talking to her again in earnest. He is a jealous guy.. Do you think that triggered him to start trying to get her back?

 

I’m so confused as to how/what to feel towards him after all this. On the one hand, I could understand if he needed time to see if he was really over her or not and I don’t have any ill will towards him over that aspect. But on the other hand, I don’t appreciate the way he left things with me and I wonder if that’s an indication of how he would act (shutting down and/or disappearing) if we got back together down the road and some other issue cropped up. This would be so much easier if I could just stick with one side or the other—I keep waffling between thinking he’s a jerk and I should be done with him, and thinking he just needs to figure things out and I’d take him back if he discovers he really is done with his ex once and for all. I don’t know what to do.

[serendipity90]

Well, in case anyone is wondering where my head is, I figured I’d get some more thoughts out on here.. lol.

 

I keep going back and forth between anger and compassion towards my ex. It’s hard to just hate him because I can almost understand what might have happened. I’m afraid in my situation, me and him got together too soon after his previous longterm (8 years, kids together) relationship ended. While he was the one that ended that relationship, I’m sure he was still having doubts and whatnot about it. In fact I asked him quite a few times if he wanted time before we got serious so he could work through any lingering doubts/feelings. He always said no, he had fallen out of love years prior but stayed in it for the kids. I tried to keep the pace of our relationship slow, but he was gung ho and eventually won over my misgivings.

 

But now that he is talking to/seeing his ex again, I see I was correct in thinking he wasn’t sure if ending their relationship was the right thing and he still had some back and forth thoughts, and that’s totally understandable! I just wish he would’ve told me he wasn’t sure about his feelings for his ex and needed space to explore that instead of picking a fight and then disappearing on me, and he definitely should’ve ended things with me or told me how he was feeling before he started talking with her again while we were together.

 

I don’t know if they’ll reconcile or not.. I don’t know if anything he told me throughout our time together was true anymore. According to him it was a loveless and sexless relationship in the final year or 2. He talked often about the ways they had been incompatible (in relation to how things were with us). Things like, “I have fun no matter what we’re doing together.. It was never like that with my ex.” Or “I love how we can talk for hours, I couldn’t do that with my ex.” and on and on. But if that was the case, why is he questioning his decision and (assumedly) trying to get back together with her now?

 

I have been thinking about a little thing I saw on her Facebook page when I first discovered they were talking again, and I think it may have something to do with it—there was a post on her page where she was openly flirting with some guy, and later that very same day seems to be when my now ex started talking to her again in earnest. He is a jealous guy.. Do you think that triggered him to start trying to get her back?

 

I’m so confused as to how/what to feel towards him after all this. On the one hand, I could understand if he needed time to see if he was really over her or not and I don’t have any ill will towards him over that aspect. But on the other hand, I don’t appreciate the way he left things with me and I wonder if that’s an indication of how he would act (shutting down and/or disappearing) if we got back together down the road and some other issue cropped up. This would be so much easier if I could just stick with one side or the other—I keep waffling between thinking he’s a jerk and I should be done with him, and thinking he just needs to figure things out and I’d take him back if he discovers he really is done with his ex once and for all. I don’t know what to do.

 

I know how you feel - I keep reminding myself of my ex's most irritating habits, the way he used to try to impress people, used to nitpick and couldn't stand being wrong.

 

It might be easier to get over him if he were a completely awful person but then you wouldn't have fell for him at the same time. My ex wasn't a bad person, just a very complicated confused guy trying to find his way in life. We're just caught in the crossfire.

[Trinity7]

Thanks for the reply Serendipity.. You're right, it would be so much easier if they had had a bunch of awful flaws we could focus on, but i just don't have anything very bad to glom onto.. He treated me like a princess other than that last set of interactions. I thought he was the one, so I'm having trouble demonizing him in my head to shut off my feelings..

 

I'm trying to focus on the fact that the timing was off for us regardless of all the rest.. Even if he came back to me tomorrow and I could get over all the pain and take him back, it couldn't work right now anyway He's going to need to learn to be on his own before he could jump into a new relationship, with me anyway. Sucks so much though

[Trinity7]

Hey all, I'm still limping along. Went out of state to a family reunion over the weekend.. I did not feel up to going, but I'm really glad I did. Being around my brothers and extended family really helped. I kept busy and distracted and didn't think too much about my breakup.

 

But of course coming home and being alone again, it has descended back onto me. I'm so sick of feeling this way. Up and down, up and down. I've still managed not to snoop or contact him in a couple weeks, though the temptation is there.. He would've gotten back from his 10 day visit with his ex on Sunday night, so of course I'm curious how it went. But the fear of more pain has kept me from looking at their Facebooks. I know it doesn't matter anymore how he's doing or what he's up to, it's just so hard

 

I'm getting back to volunteering tomorrow which always makes me feel better. It's where I met him though (he's no longer there, so no concerns of running into him), so I haven't gone in a couple weeks, since the breakup, because I was afraid it'd bring back too many memories. But just like with everything else, I'll have to make new memories that don't include him :/

 

Other than that, my sleeping and appetite are getting better. So even though it doesn't really feel like it in the moment, there are signs I'm making progress. I'll be so glad when I'm back to myself.. This is awful. I know I need to get back to a positive state and the rest will fall into place, but I'm struggling to raise up. One moment at a time I suppose. I figure if I'm thinking about him even one second less each day than I did the day before, eventually those seconds will add up to something noticeable and significant.

 

Hope everyone has a good day, all things considered x