It's been a year. But I still can't recover from humiliation

[Lorenza]

Hi guys!

 

If you have experienced belittling and verbal abuse in the past (and didnt stand for yourself then) how did you deal with it later? Did it ever happen that anger came much later and dreams about standing up and leaving the abuser? How did you put closure?

Edited June 14, 2016 by Lorenza

[Emilia]

Would it be ok to give us a little background please? I don't mean details that hurt you, more general stuff, like whether it was dating or friends or family or whoever else did this.

 

Is this something that happened quite a long time ago?

[Lorenza]

The thing is, some stupid message with "Today a year ago" popped up on facebook few days ago, asking if I want to share a "memory" of what I posted a year ago on the same day. It was related with my ex and brough back some ugly memories. June last year was when the relationship started coming to an end and that was when he spilled the most shyt on me. Like really nasty, belittling shyt.

 

I went through those memories now (as I kinda pushed them to the back of my head and hid them) and I feel so disgusted and angry. A year later! Started having dreams where I'm standing up for myself, telling the guy off and leaving his sorry ass. But the reality was - I allowed him to belittle me, stayed with him and even begged him to take me back after he brutaly dumped me. Somehow I can't stand the thought, it's ripping me apart. Maybe because I'm much stronger and tougher now and wouldn't take such crap from anyone.

 

I let some narcissistic loser bully me and did nothing. Is it even normal to have such a late reaction??

[Satu]

snip

Is it even normal to have such a late reaction??

 

There are no rules as to when.

 

Your subconscious is doing a good job of working through it in your dreams.

 

Just let that roll.

[dichotomy]

 

I let some narcissistic loser bully me and did nothing. Is it even normal to have such a late reaction??

 

 

oh yes !

 

Since getting stronger and more confident I have had these moments of regret and shame about past weakness. I remember the first time I finally started to stand up for myself it was amazing! but be kind and forgiving to your old self - who else is going to ?

[Clep]

As a child I endured severe abuse and would still if I spoke with my family. As a result of my abuse and the horrible skills obtained to survive, I gained some very poor coping skills that I carried into adulthood. I was angry for years that my childhood affected my future so profoundly until I was able to work through it all.

 

I met with a lady one day as a part of my Alanon program for my 5th step. I went on about all of my resentments that I brought with me, typed out of 15 pages of legal paper. After I vented it all as I was supposed to do, she asked me who I intended to screw over that day when I woke. She refused to believe that I had no intention of hurting anyone. Just when I became irate and angry that she was making me the focus of all the crap I went through she made her point. This was her point.

 

Everyone is doing the best the can with the knowledge they currently have. No one wakes up with the intention of hurting another. They just don't have the skills to life functionally as I didn't. I have hurt many people through life out of dysfunctional thinking. If I thought differently, I would behave differently. My parents did their very best. They didn't hold me after birth thinking I am going to be a terrible and abusive parent.

 

Looking at it this way is what brought closure for me. I don't accept poor behavior from people, but I don't have to get angry about it or feel resentment.

[Arieswoman]

Take heart Lorenza as you are not alone.

 

If I chose to think back there were many situations when I took a load of cr@p off people and didn't stand up for myself. I allowed myself to be treated badly and if I dwelled on it would feel embarrased about it.

 

However, I've moved on and now I know how to deal with people who try to put me down.

 

I would suggest that you get some assertiveness training, is there a workshop or similar near you?

 

And here's a good book you might like to read.

 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

 

Good luck - you can do this

[angel.eyes]

Focus on the positives. It sounds like you learned a lot from the experience. Chances are you won't ask to stay with someone who mistreats you again. You also won't tolerate being mistreated that way again.

[Emilia]

I let some narcissistic loser bully me and did nothing. Is it even normal to have such a late reaction??

Yep and it's good that you have it too.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from but you can't get away from the old truth of 'live and learn'. There is simply no way for you to know how to handle every single situation 'perfectly' without understanding what the problem was. That sort of understanding takes a while to come to you, it's not like realistically you can have a tough situation and you can think like an outsider 'oh he is a narcissist, I should cut him off now and go NC straight away'. You have to learn these things OP. None of us are born with this sort of knowledge and be glad that you won't make the same mistake again. There are millions of people on this planet who aren't as wise to it as you.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, this happens to me too. Just this week I dreamed that this woman I despise (she harassed and bullied me when I was down on my luck) randomly showed up in my home and was acting as if she was friends with my family. In the dream, I kept my cool and calmly explained the situation to a family member. It was decided that we would make a polite excuse to the woman and have her leave the house.... and never let her come back.

 

I think those dreams mean that we've changed. I still feel angry at times. Self-forgiveness can be hard. The only thing that really helps, for me, is to move forward. Situations come up where I need to stand up for myself, and I do it. The more I stand up for myself, the better I feel, and it becomes easier to forget the past mistakes.