Would you lend money to a partner (if you didnt know why)

[Olly.]

My boyfriend (24) and I (26), have been together two years. I love him very much. I have a 4 year old son who calls him dad. We have our struggles, like everyone else, but we are for the most part a happy little family. Things are good!

 

We come from quite different backgrounds, I grew up in a middle class family, studied media at uni. He grew up in care, his family unit consists of his little brother, his big "brother" (his childhood best friend who he was in care with) and this friends half-sister and step brother. Along with these peoples various other halves. They are very close and hence I have come to know them pretty well, we see them more than we do my family and I honestly do consider them mine and my sons family. I guess crucially, I trust them

 

Saturday [big brother] arrives at ours early and bf is gone all day with him, limited details about where he's been. Saturday evening [step-brother & step-brothers gf]arrive back in town after travelling, a month earlier than scheduled. Bf just tells me they need to 'sort family stuff out'.

Normally he's so open with me, one of the things that made me date him even when I had a young child who needed my attention is just how much I trust him. He's kind, and he's kind to my son. He's so smiley and positive and he makes me feel safe.

Thing is it's not just him being weird, they all are. They've all been so welcoming to me from the moment I met them but whatever is going on they are shutting me out. I would class [half sister & big brothers wife] as good friends of mine, but they were jumpy when I went to see them to see if they knew what's going on and they were just plain weird with me, it was awkward as hell. They all seem to be rushing around talking to everyone but they obviously don't want to talk to me.

 

Then BF comes to me asks to borrow ££, says he wouldn’t ask, it’s a last resort, but he's desperate.

I tell him that I need to know whats going on, if he or his family is in trouble I can help, but I need him to trust me. He says he does trust me but I need to trust him that he's doing his best by me and our son, that he's always been totally honest with me but this one time he needs me to please trust his judgment, and that he knows it all sounds crazy and that I must be scared but that they are sorting everything and everything will be back to normal after Sunday (which is also when he promised me my money back).

 

I told him, no. I told him I can't lend him money if he can't tell me what it's for however important.

 

I feel awful on two counts:

1. My boyfriend, the love of my life, the man I see my future with is withholding something from me. I have no idea what, I can only imagine (and trust me It couldn't be worse than the terrible things I keep imagine straight out of whatever movie I watched last). It feels like he doesn’t trust me. He says it will all go back to normal next week, but I'm afraid because I'm not certain it ever can.

2. I feel like I should have given him the money!

 

On one hand its crazy, how can give money when I have no idea what its for!? I wouldn’t even know how to explain withdrawing a sum like that if I didn't get it back, I'd look an complete idiot! I don't even know who he is anymore, this guy isn't my bf, because he would never be so closed to me, so hard.

 

On the other hand, he is my boyfriend. He's my second favourite person on the planet! I want to help him. I want to be someone he can rely on. I can't help but wonder if love should be all the reason I need, if I don't give him the money does that mean I don’t love him enough? Or trust him enough? I don't know.

He's more important to me than money but does that mean I should give it to him?

[jen1447]

That old trick? Nah, don't buy it. There's absolutely no compelling reason for him to 'require' your money but not be able to tell you why. Would you accept the same rationale if he said "I need to punch you in the face but I can't tell you why"?

 

I'm pretty free and easy w/money - if my BF just asked for some w/out drama and/or secrecy I'd just give it to him - so I'm not hung up on financial bottom lines or anything like that, within reason. But what matters is the cloak and dagger nonsense, which indicates you have some reason to be suspicious. He's not Jason Bourne FFS. Saying "I can't tell you and you need to trust me" actually just means "I don't trust you enough to tell you and you need to just give it to me anyway."

[SammySammy]

I've given money to my adult daughter once without knowing why. I was uncomfortable doing it then. Can't imagine doing it for anybody else.

[mikeylo]

He probably knows that once he tells , you won't lend. So after stuff is settled , you won't have a choice because you already gave.

 

Lending money is not the issue. It's the intentions.

[Olly.]

I'm pretty free and easy w/money - if my BF just asked for some w/out drama and/or secrecy I'd just give it to him - so I'm not hung up on financial bottom lines or anything like that, within reason. But what matters is the cloak and dagger nonsense, which indicates you have some reason to be suspicious. He's not Jason Bourne FFS. Saying "I can't tell you and you need to trust me" actually just means "I don't trust you enough to tell you and you need to just give it to me anyway."

This is exactly what I feel like, and why I'm worried! Its not the money. I would give him the money if he needed it. We are a unit. It's more whatever he isn't telling me!

I feel sick. It's bad. It has to be bad because this is SO out of character. He would never do this so what the hell is going on!!

I consider his big bro's wife as one of my best friends and even she won't be around me or talk to me.

 

 

Even if they were in some sort of trouble I would still help them, so why wont they tell me.

 

 

But if I don't give it to him, what does that say about our future? 10 days ago if he'd of asked me to marry him i'd of been over the moon. Now I feel totally like the rugs been pulled out!

[GorillaTheater]

I'd never lend money to people I'm close to; I'd just give it to them. A lot of relationships get broken when a debtor/creditor dynamic becomes part of the picture.

 

 

But I'd want to know what it's for.

[jen1447]

This is exactly what I feel like, and why I'm worried! Its not the money. I would give him the money if he needed it. We are a unit. It's more whatever he isn't telling me!

I feel sick. It's bad. It has to be bad because this is SO out of character. He would never do this so what the hell is going on!!

I consider his big bro's wife as one of my best friends and even she won't be around me or talk to me.

 

 

Even if they were in some sort of trouble I would still help them, so why wont they tell me.

 

 

But if I don't give it to him, what does that say about our future? 10 days ago if he'd of asked me to marry him i'd of been over the moon. Now I feel totally like the rugs been pulled out!

 

It's his call - he can tell you like any reasonable person or not. The "not" choice is him sinking his own ship bc all it does is make him look shady. If he wants absolute financial autonomy, he needs his own money to do it with.

 

Really his position is ridiculous - what could possibly be so uniquely grave that it had to happen and so 'top secret' that he couldn't share it with you - the presumed source of the bailout? It's silly. He just wants to take your discretion out of it. And if him and his family are so bullheaded that they want to ostracize you for having a completely reasonable response to this scheme, whatever it is, then they're not the ppl you thought they were and aren't worth investing in or protecting anyway.

 

Straight manipulation, shame-shame.

[BlueIris]

You are right to say, No. Hug him and love him and be emotionally supportive, but nothing requires that you give your BF money. The squirrelly behavior and secretiveness are your confirmation that this is NOT a good idea, no matter how dire he might say it is.

[Liam1]

On the other hand, he is my boyfriend. He's my second favourite person on the planet! I want to help him. I want to be someone he can rely on. I can't help but wonder if love should be all the reason I need, if I don't give him the money does that mean I don’t love him enough? Or trust him enough? I don't know.

He's more important to me than money but does that mean I should give it to him?

 

Olly:

 

I would give him the money as either a loan or a gift (your choice).

 

But the only stipulation would be that he has to tell me what it is for.

 

As the person giving the requested money, you have a right to know.

[O'Malley]

I wouldn't feel guilty for turning him down, and his current behavior would make me question the relationship.

 

Bail, debt from illegal activities, whatever fix he is in, he shouldn't be omitting it from you. Even a long term, previously trustworthy partner shouldn't have expectations that you should suddenly provide him bailout money, no questions asked, especially when he's unwilling to offer transparency about the situation.

[Olly.]

It's his call - he can tell you like any reasonable person or not. The "not" choice is him sinking his own ship bc all it does is make him look shady

The squirrelly behavior and secretiveness are your confirmation that this is NOT a good idea, no matter how dire he might say it is.

I wouldn't feel guilty for turning him down' date=' and his current behavior would make me question the relationship. [/quote']

 

This is what's upsetting me so much! I do find it hard to trust people. He knows this. But I've always felt like I can trust him and I can count on him to be there for me and my son. He's clumsy, and forgetful, and messy but right from the start I've always felt this connection with him, like we're in sync somehow. I never felt like I'd say anything so soppy but I feel like he's my missing puzzle piece, and not just mine but my sons too!

My son has autism, and my boyfriends always been so great with him, he takes everything in his stride with a smile, nothing ever gets on top of him. My son idolises him!

 

It's not some guy I'm dating and oh well call it quits and on to the next. This is the guy that I've gone all in for and pinned every single bit of my future on. And what's killing me is I feel like it's all falling apart and I don't even know what's f***ing gone wrong!!!

 

He's SUCH an open guy, which I admire so much, this secretism isn't him! When he asked for the money he had this whole other look in his eyes which made him not even look like him!

 

I just don't understand what could be worse than him not telling me! But believe me I am imagining all sorts..

I just don't know how we come back from this!

[pteromom]

But if I don't give it to him, what does that say about our future? 10 days ago if he'd of asked me to marry him i'd of been over the moon. Now I feel totally like the rugs been pulled out!

 

If he is keeping secrets from you - secrets that require a large sum of money to fix - what does THAT say about your future?

 

Don't take blame for what HE is choosing to do.

 

If he doesn't trust you enough to tell you what is going on, you shouldn't be considering marriage.

[CarrieT]

This is the giant red flag that started waving for me...

My boyfriend, the love of my life, the man I see my future with is withholding something from me. I have no idea what, I can only imagine (and trust me It couldn't be worse than the terrible things I keep imagine straight out of whatever movie I watched last). It feels like he doesn’t trust me.

 

For YOU, he is the love of your life and you see a future - and yet he doesn't feel as though he can tell you why he needs money.

 

There is a HUGE disconnect in your relationship and, yes, you are right to feel he doesn't trust you. Coupled with that, he doesn't feel he can confide in you which means he doesn't see YOU as his future and someone he can be vulnerable with.

 

To me, the writing is on the wall that the relationship won't last. If he felt the same about you that you do about him, he would be able to tell you what's going on that he needs money for.

[pteromom]

Oh and - you were right to not give him the money. If he can't trust you to tell you what it is for, why should you trust him with your $$?

[Olly.]

Really his position is ridiculous - what could possibly be so uniquely grave that it had to happen and so 'top secret' that he couldn't share it with you - the presumed source of the bailout? It's silly.

Right!!! Believe me that this is literally all I'm trying to work out! I don't understand what the hell he can't tell me! It's so not like him to be melodramatic! But on the other hand what the hell could they possibly be messed up in that would be so bad he couldn't tell me!!?

 

And if him and his family are so bullheaded that they want to ostracize you for having a completely reasonable response to this scheme, whatever it is, then they're not the ppl you thought they were and aren't worth investing in or protecting anyway

None of them have asked me for money! Although I know by another source that his little brothers gf has been get money together too! They're not ostracising me as such but they clearly ALL know what's going on and just aren't telling me! They all seem edgy.

 

See I don't even know who he wants the money for! If it's him or one of them..

[Olly.]

If he is keeping secrets from you - secrets that require a large sum of money to fix - what does THAT say about your future?

I don't know, I don't know!

 

That we haven't f**king got one!?

 

I just don't know :(

[pteromom]

I don't know, I don't know!

 

That we haven't f**king got one!?

 

I just don't know :(

 

Me either. I am sorry.

 

Just don't feel guilty for not giving him money. You are in the right here. There is no reason to feel guilty or like YOU are the one breaking this.

[Olly.]

For YOU, he is the love of your life and you see a future - and yet he doesn't feel as though he can tell you why he needs money.

 

There is a HUGE disconnect in your relationship and, yes, you are right to feel he doesn't trust you. Coupled with that, he doesn't feel he can confide in you which means he doesn't see YOU as his future and someone he can be vulnerable with.

 

This is the thing, he's always been the one pushing the relationship along.. He was the one who fought for us in the beginning, whenever we've hit a problem he's been the one to steer us around it, he's always believed in us so much that he's gone and made me (the biggest relationship cynic in the world) believe in us too!

 

None of this makes any sense!!

 

He asks my opinion on everything.. He asks my shirt to wear, on what job to take, big or small! Why would he keep me out the loop now!

...It doesn't make sense

[Olly.]

Me either. I am sorry.

 

Just don't feel guilty for not giving him money. You are in the right here. There is no reason to feel guilty or like YOU are the one breaking this.

 

Thank you.

 

I feel like im In the right, I feel like he's being completely unreasonable! It's like he's had a bang on the head and a whole personaliy transplant, he's unrecognisable, and even so if they were in some kind of trouble I would give him the money!

 

I do struggle to talk about the way I feel but there's no way he could even doubt for a second that I would have his back, we're a team, it's been us against the world! I just can't understand why he'd think he couldn't tell me!

I can't understand why he'd do this to us!

 

I don't know if I want to cry or throw something at him!

[Timshel]

Only a guess, of course...a hunch based on what you've said thus far. It is probably better that you do not know why he needs the money. Knowing may implicate you in some way or possibly put you in danger.

 

If he has been as kind and dependable as you have written, perhaps a) He is not telling in order to protect you, b) His family has forbidden him to tell and may also want to protect and keep you out of whatever shenanigans are afoot. c) He fears he will lose you if you know and does not want to lie.

 

I think you have made the proper choice to decline and I understand your confusion and hurt. It is probably best to stand your ground and also not push for an explanation. He would give one if he could....wouldn't he?

 

It seems whatever the trouble is, your bf is trying to help a family member in some serious fiasco and it is best to stay distant from what ever is developing.

If your bf loves you, he will reveal the truth when he can/is ready.

Be careful now with your heart...there may be things about his life/family that you won't be able to tolerate.

[Olly.]

If he has been as kind and dependable as you have written, perhaps a) He is not telling in order to protect you, b) His family has forbidden him to tell and may also want to protect and keep you out of whatever shenanigans are afoot. c) He fears he will lose you if you know and does not want to lie.

 

I think you have made the proper choice to decline and I understand your confusion and hurt. It is probably best to stand your ground and also not push for an explanation. He would give one if he could....wouldn't he?

Yeah I he would.. This is pretty much what he said when I grilled him.. I'm trying to protect you!

It's actually easier to be mad at him cause thinking about this makes me feel sick! What the hell could be so bad he thinks he can't tell me!? That's a terrifying thought!

 

He knows me so well. He knows there's no way I'd react well to this. And he has always been the one to smooth out any trouble I the horizon, not cause it! And yet... He asked anyway.

That's got to me it's serious, really serious!

And if things are that bad then of course I want to help! I want to protect him if I can! So then I do start to feel guilty I didn't give the money..

 

It seems whatever the trouble is, your bf is trying to help a family member in some serious fiasco and it is best to stay distant from what ever is developing.

If your bf loves you, he will reveal the truth when he can/is ready.

Be careful now with your heart...there may be things about his life/family that you won't be able to tolerate.

I wouldn't of dreamed that there would be anything in his life I couldn't tolerate, and now I just don't know.. I can't keep living like this :(

And I don't know what we do now, trust is so important and he's shaken it and i don't know how we move on now

[Els]

I would be very concerned that your bf of 2 years feels that he can't tell you about the problems in his life. That is a HUGE red flag - the money is secondary.

[TunaCat]

Don't feel guilty for not giving your bf money.

 

Secrets are fine. Secrets that only family has knowledge of is even fine with me. But when he asks you for money AND won't tell you why, RED FLAG!

[Olly.]

I would be very concerned that your bf of 2 years feels that he can't tell you about the problems in his life. That is a HUGE red flag - the money is secondary.

 

Right!!! The money is just money but the detect turns out whole world on its head!

I am so so p!ssed at him.. ..and I am so so worried about him too!

 

Don't feel guilty for not giving your bf money.

Secrets are fine. Secrets that only family has knowledge of is even fine with me. But when he asks you for money AND won't tell you why, RED FLAG!

Secrets are not okay with me.

 

There's no way he doesn't know that.

 

I like to wind people up, I've got a great poker face, he tries to get me back and he NEVER can, he just can't lie, especially not to me, I can read the boy like a book! But I can't read him now.. It leaves me feeling like we've lost something.. A connection that's always been there.. A bond.. I feel like I don't know if we're ever going to be able to get that back.

 

And I'm not just saying that out of principle! Saying that breaks my heart!

[Phoenician]

SO how would you feel if he was trying to help a bro , who took some money from bad ppl; or drug dealers , and he wants to protect you from any danger ?

 

How would you feel if his bro get killed because he didn'rt pay back some debts ?

 

if i were you I would give him the money , because anyway , you will know about it when it is the right time .