my husband wants to see his "ex" alone! is this for real??

[mrsmotherof2]

Hi. I'm new here. I'm looking for some advice on my marriage. My husband and I have been married for four years. I have a seven year old girl from a previous relationship. Together my husband and I have a 23 month old son. Our marriage has been very challenging over the years and I thought that we have gotten through a lot of hard times.

 

The other night my husband told me he ran into an "ex" at a neighborhood store. He's told me about her. She was his first love and crush and hurt him badly. He still has her initials tattooed on his arm. I know how she hurt him and every time he tells me about her I can see the pain she caused. Now that they've met he wants to see her. She got married and move to British Columbia. We live in Ontario. At first he told me she's just here visiting and helping her sister who lost her husband. After some inquiring, I'm hearing that she's been living here for a year and a half and she's not here with her husband. She invited him to a bar b q at her place. After hearing how much she hurt him, he wants to see her? She was so mean and now that she's giving him the time of day, she's so wonderful? I just offhandedly mentioned "at least you didn't excahange phone numbers" then there was a long pause. Now it turns out that he wants to see her alone. He wants to "catch up".

 

We're talking about a woman who he has unfinished business with. What should I do? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He told me to trust him. Now, this sounds strange but we've never kept our emails closed to each other. I used to check his email for messages from his work. He likes to go fishing but sometimes he misses the messages sent to him to show up for work. Now that he's met her, he has a password on his email. I sent him an email saying that I want him to see her on his own and get what evers pent up inside, out! I am not interested in meeting an "ex" with such a history. I don't want to deal with this. I'd rather look the other way and deal with whatever happens. I work the night shift and I admit that I'm not at home alot. So, the opportunity is there. I am also 8 years older than he is. She's young and since he had a "huge crush" on her, she's probably beautiful. Me? I just hurt my back on a patient a week ago and I'm limping around. I'm on modified duties at work but I look like an old lady with this bad back. Last month, I had pneumonia and missed two weeks of work and pay. He's been so impatient with me and my health. I've been working so hard lately pulling in over time regardless how I feel. I've been trying to assure him that I'm getting better. I'm doing the exercises and trying to get things back to normal. I've been feeling very old and inadequate and this young thing flutters in and wants to see my husband? But I will never fight for a man and beg a man to stay with me. If he wants to go with her, fine. I wont stop him. I hope he's happy. But it's really going to hurt me. I feel so sick to my stomach that he wants so much to see this woman alone. Why does he want to see her alone? I can't even imagine. I thought that was the past. He keeps telling me not to dwell on the past but he's running for it!!!

 

Any advice anyone can offer me would be great. I'm going crazy here.

[Miranda]

My husband and I have no desire to see our exes. He can't even stand to hear her voice -- it makes him cringe.

 

I don't think it is appropriate for your husband to want to see this woman if you are not around.

 

If it's innocent, then no reason why you shouldn't be included.

 

It doesn't sound completely innocent, although he may want to see it as such.

[Sal Paradise]

Under the circumstances I would suggest telling him if he goes you go. If he isn't fine with that then tell him if he goes without you the marriage is over.

 

Also tell him this is a one visit thing, she won't be a part of his life, if she is you're gone. It is disrespectful for him to even suggest a friendship with her. If you allow it you're essentially dooming your marriage. If he has a problem with it tell him either leave or grow the hell up. Can't understand these damn people who are obsessed with exes.

[jmargel]

An ex is an ex for a reason. Tell him if he wants to go, you can't stop him but then you have to make that choice to move on with your life. Trust me if you DON'T do it then you'll be living in a world of lies, deceit, betrayal. I'm going through something similar. My wife joined a pool team with her dad, who just so happens to be close to my wife's ex who is also on the team. It has turned into him calling her multiple times. He's also left quite a few voice mails as well. I have already wanted her to leave, with her insisting 'nothing is going on'.

 

You deserve better, you know what's going to happen, she is just going to sleep with him for an ego stroke. Instead of going to see her, you two should be seeing a marriage counselor. Be firm on this. This is nothing short of being disrespectful towards you. He's already hiding things, something is going on.

[westernxer]

The fact that he wears her initials shows he isn't over her yet.

[jmargel]

Yep it's not hard to have them removed. And there is a reason why he wants to see her alone and I'm sure you probably know why it is.

[New_Wife]

Oh wow! What a load for you.

 

Unless you wrote your own vows - you guys promised a few little things. "in sickness and in health" comes to mind. Now, that doesn't mean he can't be a bit of an azzwipe from time to time about it - or that you can't either - but that is the vow you take when you marry someone.

 

"Cleave unto only each other" is another biggie. If he wants to go to this barbeque - ask him what you should wear. If you should bring potato salad or what?

 

Finally, I highly suggest marital and individual counseling. You've got so much going on right now - it's got to be tough not to snap. Please let us know how it works out.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

This is very bad. "She/He is just a friend" has been the death knell of many marriages and long-term relationships (long-term relationships in my case)". There is nothing worse than someone "understanding" and of the opposite sex and with whom your SO has a history coming in UNDER the radar to be everything for your SO emotionally that they have the idea you are not being. Eventually, even if they don't have sex, they will want to, which is just as bad. I think you should tell you husband that this is really hurting you, and that you want to get through this but that you do not like where this is going. If he is a reasonable sort, you might also print out this thread and show him. You have half a dozen objective opinions here all telling you some version of the same thing - this is BAD for your marriage, and very unfair to you. Best of luck.

[mrsmotherof2]

there are still a lot of unanswered questions. I told him that i felt very threatened by this woman due to the fact that he still has her initials on his arm and that she hurt him pretty badly. That's their history. That's all I know. I also know her name is Wendy. But that's it. Nothing more. He told me a few more things but they are meaningless peices of info. He said he wont see her. I don't know what he means. I wish he'd tell me more about her. Like, why does he want to see her? He's bumped into a few "ex's" but she seems to be the only one he wants to see. What is her last name?

 

I'm not really good at computers. I can send email and download games. Just yesterday, he's downloaded antispywear. What's that? Is that kind of a computer thing that prevents me from tracking his computer moves? I'm real worried that he's saying he wont meet her but he'll somehow secretly meet her. I'm worried that she'll send him email and they'll have a relationship under the radar. I'm getting so paranoid that what I'm the one who ruins the marriage and this will just be an "out" for him to be with her. I mean, if he's thinking about her then there's something wrong with the marriage here, right? He's used to tell me he loves me and kissed me before he went out the door. Now he just runs out and doesn't even say goodbye. I'm not sure if I can handle this. I can't stand being paranoid. I don't know anything about this woman.

 

Why wont he give me any info? When I told him how I felt, I was crying. he said we'd talk about it later. He had a game to officiate and then we had to go for dinner at my dad's. we never talked about it. What's the big secret? Am I being paranoid?

[Debster]

I would ask him to tell me about her. Why won't he? It's not unreasonable, you are his wife.

 

As for the spyware, that is just to protect the computer from viruses, worms, etc. We have a ton of those on our computer to protect it.

[mrsmotherof2]

i couldn't take anymore. i was going insane. my husband woke up at 5:20 to go fishing. he said he'd be back about 8:30. it was getting on to 10:00 and i hadn't seen him yet. firstly, he tried to leave without saying good bye or kissing me good bye. we used to do that all the time, but recently, he's been rushing out without even saying goodbye. i asked him if anything was wrong and he said no.

 

so, it's getting on to 10:00 and i still hadn't seen him. i've been real down and out lately. last month, i missed two and a half weeks of work due to pneumonia. i injured my back last week on a patient. i've been really wanting to get back to normal. i've been feeling very useless, ugly and sad. i haven't been concentrating on work even when i'm at work. it doesn't help that i've been going to work in pain because my pain meds make me so tired. when i'm at home i've been double dosing because i've been so dumpy and painful.

 

so, i went downstairs and my son's diaper had to be changed. usually, that's my hubby's job since i can't pick up the baby cuz of my back. i hurt my back because i thought my hubby wasn't home so i changed the baby's diaper. as it turned out, he was watering the garden and cleaning up our front lawn. meanwhile, i was going out of my mind thinking that he was meeting this woman. he said he didn't. but that wasn't good enough for me.

 

i went balistic. we argued about this. he said he wasnt' going to see her. i believed that. but i dont' know what's what anymore. what if they were emailing each other? he explained the spyware thing to me. i still don't get it. but at least he explained it to me. it's not his fault i'm a puter ilit. i mean, if he says that he's not seeing or not going to see her, then i should believe him right? i believe him. of course i believe him. if i told him i wasn't going to see a guy and i don't, i'd like him to believe me.

 

i was very insecure and i was willing to admit it. i've been feeling so inadequate. i work two jobs. i'm on modified duties until my back gets better and i'm trying desperately to get my back working normally. i can't do heavy lifting and bending. so now, they've thrown more paperwork my way. i take percocet for the pain. but i go to work without my pills because i can't think very well with them. but i'm in pain so it's hard to think anyway. so lately, work has been very challenging. that's been both jobs. but i still go and i still try and work as hard as i can. hubby is a baseball umpire. his schedule conflicts with mine, so we've had a babysitter. she's good. but she's been here a lot and taking over a lot of my responsibilities. the kids seem to be very understanding about my inability to pick them up and play like we used to. but it still makes me feel bad none-the-less.

 

so we had it out. maybe i'm not all that worried about that woman. maybe i dont' really care if she's interested in him or not. it just happened to be bad timing and i was very upset that my husband didn't seem to care how i felt. he was happy he met her and reconnected with (now he says he grew up with her but really that's not what he used to tell me) and old flame. he's been happy fishing, doing baseball, fishing and more fishing. i dont' get that kind of time to myself like that. he just seemed to happy to see her. he will do what he can to remove her initials from his arm and if he makes great speed on this, i'll feel much better. he said he wont see her. i asked what will happen if he bumps into her again. he said he will say hello and if there is a conversation, it'll be short. he wont make plans with her. i ripped out the page where her telephone number is in the phone book.

 

i needed assurances that this relationship with wendy was over and over for good. i am not able to take a second seat to any woman. it's unessessary. but he said it was over and way over a long time ago. he said he knows that i dont' want him to see her because i'm sensing trouble. i dont' even want to give her a chance. besides, i don't think hubby will be tramatized if he can't see her. will he? it's not like i dont' let him see anyone. he has more time to spend with his friends than i get to spend with mine. he said he's over her. so now, it's the tattoo issue. he said he will get it removed or put another tatoo over it. i think putting money aside for that is worth it.

 

i think it worked out. it was torture to go through but i stood up for myself. it had to be done. now i have to work on my own self esteem. i'm glad he's not going to see her. apparently, she's really pretty and thin. i don't look anything like that. i can't believe how easy it is for my self esteem to go to nothing. i dont' want to feel sorry for myself. i know i'm not pretty or thin. all i know is i work hard at my job for my family. if i'm not pretty or thin, at least i know that i'm doing my job well.

 

the fact is, i know that he wanted to see her because she was an ex and now that he's seen that she is pretty and thin, of course he's interested. she's young and probably really smart too. me? even though i can't describe my appearance, i know i am not pretty. i'm overweight, so i'm definately not thin. i just work. sometimes i think that's all i'm good for. just working and bringing home the bacon. well, i should go. i think i've said enough.

[New_Wife]

Oh Honey, you're gonna spin yourself into a straight jacket with all of these 'what if's.

 

You've got an awful lot to deal with right now. I would reiterate my earlier counseling suggestion. It's very easy to read too much into things when you already feel down and kicked. If he said he's not going to see her, perhaps he's not. But the spyware thing is common - it protects your computer.

 

Please, look into the counselor thing. They can be lifesavers when life seems to be tossing more punches than you can handle.

[jmargel]

Oh dear lord. Listen.. If you want to stay connected to your husband DO things with him. Don't get into that 'pity' ditch. Even going for walks with him will help. If you are overweight, then start eating better. There are alot of programs out there to help you with that.

 

That day where she is going to have the BBQ, make sure he's with you at that time. It would be easy for him to say he's going to go somehwere other than there but then go to the BBQ anyways. I think both of you along with your marriage needs some direction. A MC will help you do that.

[ctg777]

Look honey, you can go to ebay and purchase a key logger for really cheap- like 1.99!!!! Install that baby and find out what he is emailing this woman. You say you don't really know how to use a computer very well. If I were you, I would start learning!! Or have someone else do it for you.

 

If I were you, there is no way I would let my husband go talk to his ex because he said he wants too- something is up there. If he is seeing her behind your back- kick his butt to the curb! I know it is easier said then done, but you can't just sit there and let yourself be a doormat.

[Debster]

Oh dear lord. Listen.. If you want to stay connected to your husband DO things with him. Don't get into that 'pity' ditch. Even going for walks with him will help. If you are overweight, then start eating better. There are alot of programs out there to help you with that.

 

That day where she is going to have the BBQ, make sure he's with you at that time. It would be easy for him to say he's going to go somehwere other than there but then go to the BBQ anyways. I think both of you along with your marriage needs some direction. A MC will help you do that.

 

 

Boy for someone who took pages of pages of advice and only listened to the advice he wanted to hear, I think your advice here is advice you need to listen to yourself, jmargel.