Where did I go wrong? Is she interested in me (or was she ever)?

[SamyBoy]

Hey guys,

 

My first thread here. I already appreciate if anyone is going to read my long text ahead

 

So, I have a crush on my co-worker. I thought she had interest in me, but I think I messed it up somewhere, maybe someone could point out where it went wrong, or was it even a thing.

 

First a little background and stuff which could be helpful for understanding the situation:

 

We both are in our early twenties.

Working together for 4 months.

 

She is charming and beautiful and captures the attention of the room in a second. Not a shy person, jumps into conversations and is expressive about what she feels and it doesn't bother what others think of her. But she is very professional. She has a very like able personality. Never talks abot her personal life. She is kind of a person who has a lot of friends and is busy texting regularly. She has had past relationship.

 

I, on the other hand, I'm a bit quiet person who wouldn't jump into conversations at work or be expressive of what and how I feel. Not a charming personality. Do not like to be the center of attention. But I'm quiet confident and funny when surrounded by people I like, otherwise I'm very quiet. Not a social person and don't have a lot of friends. Not amazing in creating and holding conversations (though I try to improve and have progressed). You can say I'm a little introvert. But if I'm comfortable around someone I can be very outgoing person. But I never had a relationship, so my dating skills are lame hahaha

 

So, when she joined our team, when I saw her for the first time, I immediately liked her. Since the beginning we got a long very well, even when we were working and had to work on something, we would make it fun and were laughing all the time. Even once, a colleague said that we would make a great couple and we both laughed at it and said that they are just making it awkward for us.

 

But as we are colleagues and work together on daily basis, I was not sure if I should be even considering of taking things further and taking her out or something. Once we were talking about our cultures and food, and she said she wanted to try a specific dish from my country, on which I invited her to a dinner at a restaurant on which she immediately said yes and told me when it could be possible for her.

 

We fixed the dinner on a weekend. I took her to an expensive restaurant. It was really nice, we talked about different things. She told me about her personal stuff. Also told her about her recent breakup after an 1.5 year relationship. We talked for more than 2 hours and it felt like that time flied. We had so much in common. She thanked me for the dinner and said that she really appreciated it and the food was really nice.

 

Later in the evening I sent her a text thanking her for her time and that I'm glad that she liked the food and I really liked spending time with her. Wished her a nice weekend.

She responded: "I was about to send you a message. I wanted to tank you for the nice evening, I really appreciated it. The food was very nice. Same for you. Bye"

 

After this, work was normal. I really wanted to ask her out again, but didn't want to seem desperate (again, thinking that we work together and if this gets bad then work would be awkward). After a few days I texted her asking about out common interest: Photography, and proposed that I was planning to go out on a photo walk soon and would be glad if she joined, on which she replied: Yes, would be nice!

I said that I would give a date depending on the weather. A week later, I asked for the upcoming weekend, but she said that it was full. After two weeks I asked again and asked to let me know when it is possible for her. For 2 weeks she didn't say anything on this.

 

Meanwhile we were still having fun at work. Telling each other jokes etc. She would even compliment me on my haircut etc (But I suck at complimenting, and I think that this might be the reason she lost interest in me (if she had any))

 

I got impatient, I mean, she didn't answer me which shows lack of interest. Normally I wouldn't have asked her again, but then I thought maybe she is really busy and I'm overthinking and I should ask her again. I texted her again to hangout during any of the upcoming weekends. She said she was busy in the upcoming 3 weekends, like going to another country, attending a wedding etc. Which she did, she sent me some pictures from the other country and next time told me about the wedding etc.

 

Meanwhile she also told me how her ex is bothering her a lot and wants to get back with her but she doesn't want him back at all and bothering her a lot. I didn't asked her much about it, as I felt weird asking her personal questions as she was upset. And also I suck at it.

 

Seeing that these were normal things, I went against my will and asked her out again, but this time a month before hand, I bought tickets for a live comedy show. She didn't say yes immediately as the show was during a weekday evening and she works part-time as well. But told me that she would be glad to go with me but she has to see if she will have a lot of work that day on her other job, but also told that it shouldn't be a problem.

 

One week before the show, I still didn't hear anything from her. I send her a text at evening asking if she was available, I even sent the date of the show.

Next morning she replied to my text at work that she forgot to reply. But she dicline by saying that she had a workshop to attend during that weekend.

Now, it was a bit weird that she mentioned weekend as the show was on a weekday. I was gutted, and just thought that I shouldn't even bother correcting her that it's not a weekend. Maybe she just doesn't want to go and it will be bad if I corrected her. And was also angry that she didn't even bother telling me that she wouldn't be able to make it, so I could arrange with someone else. So I just said that it's not a problem and wished her good time at her workshop.

 

On the day of the show, I was leaving work a bit early to get to the show on time and she asked me why was I leaving early. On which I reminded her of the show we were supposed to go to together. She got shocked that it was today! She said that she mistook it for the weekend. I said that this is funny. She said: No, it's not funny at all! She said sorry.

 

Next day, she didn't ask me about the show. We were talking and I made a reference to the show and she said that she forgot to ask about it...

 

But again, she remains very friendly at work, she brought biscuits and offered me and I loved them. She gave me half of the pack because of that. Found it kind.

 

She brought me a homemade sweet after a couple of days. I didn't know what to think of it. She never brings anything for anyone, but did specially for me.

 

I usually text her with funny memes, on which she laughs but never sends me any... until recently when she also sent me.

 

But then again, it is quiet clear that she is not interested in going out with me. If she was, she would ask me now as I have already tried multiple times.

 

I really don't want to ask her again... But then I feel so strong about her. I just want to forget about her and move on, but then, I see her everyday and makes me fall for her again.

 

What should I do, give it a one last try and ask her out on a dinner in a restaurant she likes? or will it be lame and I should give up?

 

Was there something else I could have done?

 

Any feedback would be helpful!

 

Cheers.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Wow. That was a novella. Good stuff tho man. Reminds me of some of my own beats. My thoughts...

 

1) You should never invest in a woman who has not at least kissed you, or ideally has said she likes you and has had sex with you. I realized that's difficult for a young man, but I can elaborate if you like.

 

2) As women have the benefit of being approached, I firmly believe it is their duty to shut down (with as much certainty as possible) men who they are not interested in. Some women, particularly young ones, do a very poor job of this. Again, not your fault. And she will probably learn not to lead guys on in the future, but she did so quite badly according to your story...

 

3) Depending on how strong your feelings are, I would at this point attempt to avoid her. If your psyche is OK tho, then ask her out again. Firmly. But expect the answer to be no.

 

As a general observation from my decades of dating foibles, women tend to go for men who are as socialized or more than them. In other words, I have had success with women that I have a more active social life than and can show them stuff. It's very general but some of the better advice I can think of.

 

Better luck dude...

[TooLegitToQuit]

Hi, SamyBoy,

 

1. I don't think you should "ask her out" again. You already took her to an expensive restaurant so it's clear to her that you like her. You also already asked her to spend time w you via a few well-thought-out date ideas. A(nother) thoughtful date won't do good if she isn't attracted to you/excited about moving the relationship forward in the first place.

 

Ball's in her court. Women respect a guy who have self-respect. If this woman wants to be lucky enough to get to date you, she has to put in some work too!

 

2. I agree w JuneJulySeptember's first point that you shouldn't idealize a woman whom you haven't even kissed yet. It is NOT an attractive mindset, and it wastes a lot of emotional energy. I also think that spending a lot of money on a first date is a bad idea. You would have been better off making her some of that favorite dish and sharing it over lunch--or even better, testing the waters to see if she'd come over to your place for dinner.

 

I don't think the expensive first date killed your chances though, I just think she only saw you as a friend all along. I'm not 100 percent certain though....did you flirt w her? Try to hold her hand?

 

3. Related to 1. and 2., I am noticing that LS advises people in your situation to cut out friendship altogether (I keep reading of this thing called No Contact), but if you can stay friends and not get too hung up on her, then you never know. It is good that she is doing nice things for you--you're not just some "orbiter" in her world.

 

Ironically, likely the best chance you'd have of piquing her interest would be if you were to start dating someone else.

Edited June 14, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

[SoThatHappened]

We both are in our early twenties.

Working together for 4 months.

 

Also told her about her recent breakup after an 1.5 year relationship.

 

For 2 weeks she didn't say anything on this.

 

she didn't answer me which shows lack of interest.

 

She said she was busy in the upcoming 3 weekends,

 

Meanwhile she also told me how her ex is bothering her a lot and wants to get back with her

 

One week before the show, I still didn't hear anything from her.

 

Next morning she replied to my text at work that she forgot to reply. But she dicline by saying that she had a workshop to attend during that weekend.

 

Next day, she didn't ask me about the show. We were talking and I made a reference to the show and she said that she forgot to ask about it...

I know there are some bright spots mixed in with the above, but I would take a step back.

 

You work together. Never a good idea.

 

Her ex is in the picture. No bueno

 

But then again, it is quiet clear that she is not interested in going out with me. If she was, she would ask me now as I have already tried multiple times.

I agree

 

What should I do, give it a one last try and ask her out on a dinner in a restaurant she likes? or will it be lame and I should give up?

I'd cut my losses and remain coworkers with no more intent on your end for anything more than that.

[SamyBoy]

Thanks a lot for taking time and reading my post. I appreciate it

 

1) You should never invest in a woman who has not at least kissed you, or ideally has said she likes you and has had sex with you. I realized that's difficult for a young man, but I can elaborate if you like.

 

I wanted to make a good impression on her. I'm not great when it comes to speaking out how I feel. Words don't come easy to me. She said during our dinner that I chose a really nice place.

 

But clearly, I can learn more. Please elaborate

 

2) As women have the benefit of being approached, I firmly believe it is their duty to shut down (with as much certainty as possible) men who they are not interested in. Some women, particularly young ones, do a very poor job of this. Again, not your fault. And she will probably learn not to lead guys on in the future, but she did so quite badly according to your story...

 

Exactly! It would have been much easier if she was clearer. Something like: It's thoughtful of you to ask me for the show, but I'm not interested. Then it is clear for me. But oh well.

[SamyBoy]

Thanks a lot for your input. Really appreciate it!

 

Ball's in her court. Women respect a guy who have self-respect. If this woman wants to be lucky enough to get to date you, she has to put in some work too!

 

I totally understand what you're saying. When she told me that she isn't available for the next 3 weeks, I didn't want to ask her out again. But the thing is, in my past, many people slipped away from me, as I didn't really take initiatives. If people cancelled plans I automatically assumed that they're not interested in me. So I was already thinking that I should put more effort in being flexible about things and not overthink.

 

I was also thinking that maybe it wasn't a great idea when I asked her to "hang out". Therefore I proposed something solid i.e. comedy show.

 

Other reason is that I have felt something like this after a long time. Therefore I wanted to go the extra mile so that at the end of the day I can say that I did my best.

 

 

I don't think the expensive first date killed your chances though, I just think she only saw you as a friend all along. I'm not 100 percent certain though....did you flirt w her? Try to hold her hand?

 

Well, due to my shy nature and rusty social skills, flirting is not something I'm great at. Furthermore, I was afraid to be very flirty with her as we work together and it could get awkward. But I gave her compliments on different occasions like, she is looking beautiful in a particular dress, she has an amazing smile etc..

 

I'll lay back now, will not propose anything new. Will just be friendly with her and maybe if she proposes something and I'm still interested, it can go further then. Lets wait and see

[SamyBoy]

@ SoThatHappened Thanks for your feedback! Really appreciated

[GunslingerRoland]

Sorry, I didn't see a single thing in there that made it seem like at any point she considered you more than just a friend. It's probably for the best anyway given that you work together though.

[Sunnymae]

If she offers you information about her life, you shouldn't feel weird asking questions, your not prying, she's offering this information. This would also give you clues on what is going on with her life. Maybe she saw you as a potential confidant/ friend she could vent to about her ex boyfriend problems. She's probably figures it's a bad idea to get involved with a co-worker. How about getting on a dating site such as POF.

 

" I didn't know what to think of it. She never brings anything for anyone, but did specially for me"

I think she did this because She felt guilty about not going to the show.

 

Don't ask her out again, it'll make it awkward for both of you. Maybe after she resolves whatever is going on in her life she'll ask you out. She should be the one to make the next move, but don't wait. Start dating, and assume it's not going anywhere. Just remain friends.