Devastated

[Lester74]

I was married for 12 years and we have three young children together... I have been on my own since November and it hasn't gotten any easier. I miss him so much... The divorce was not my choice... I struggle daily now in my life without him... I cannot find it in me to let go and I know I have to to be able to heal... This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life... I believe in my core separating was wrong... How do I move on??? Please help..

[BlehBlah]

Twelve years is a good chunk of time to be with someone. You have a family with this person... it's going to be hard for a long time EVEN if the relationship wasn't meant to be. You have to be honest with yourself... do you miss him because you're scared of being alone, you split for a reason... are all the years you spent with him blinding you and making you forget these reasons?

 

If you think things are unresolved you can always sit down and have a talk with him. It might help to tell him how you are feeling and go from there.

 

People move on in their own way. Have you ever considered therapy? You need to lean on the people around you for support because again...this isn't a bf that you dated for four months and things ended. It's natural to have a hard time moving on.

 

I wish you luck-- just try to stay focused on things that matter... your children, their happiness, and your happiness.

[Angelica21]

Lester:

 

You are experiencing the normal feelings of a woman whose husband wanted the divorce but you did not want the divorce.

 

It takes a long time to recover from a divorce. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm saying this so you understand that you are normal. It takes 3 to 5 years to recover from a divorce.

 

First of all, try to stop telling yourself to "move on". Instead, tell yourself that it is emotionally normal and healthy to feel all the sadness and pain. In fact, you must feel it, because if you deny it and push it down, it will come back to haunt you later.

 

In the meantime, break every day down into small bites. Only think about what you need to do for the next hour, or the next few hours. Hug your children and play with them. When they are asleep or any other time when you're alone, then cry and cry.

 

Every day, ask yourself what is something that you can do that makes you feel strong and competent, and then do whatever that is.

 

Every day, ask yourself what is something small that gives you relief or comfort: a warm bath, a hot shower, a small food treat, a walk with the kids, playing games with the kids, watching a TV show. Some little thing that gives your mind a few moments of relief.

[Lester74]

Hello! I am completely heartbroken.... I had posted earlier that I was married for 12 years and have three wonderful children... I moved out of my home in November after my husband decided he was done with our relationship because it was stifling his growth... He blames me for everything that went wrong and I mean everything... he recently went on a two week vacation with a girl and married her!!! I found out he brought her back in a text telling me how our kids were reacting to her... The rejection I feel is absolutely unbearable!!!! I have had this person in my life since I was 15 years old (I'm 42) and Now he's gone. I really can't even put all my emotions and thoughts to words.... I know on paper I am probably better off without him, but my heart and soul are reacting differently!!!!!! Please help!!!

[Angelica21]

Dear Lester,

 

Getting a divorce, especially when you did not want the divorce, is a huge, huge emotional struggle.

 

It is normal and necessary to feel that deep emotional pain. You loved your husband, you loved being married, you loved your way of life as a family. A woman does not lose all of that, then just have a brief cry and be over it. It takes a long time and lots of help to get over it.

 

Make an appointment to see a therapist / counselor who will help you to understand your feelings and help you to develop methods to make it through every day.

 

When your children are around, it's important to remember that you are the grown-up, and you have a responsibility to convey the idea that they are safe, they are loved, and their home with you is stable home.

 

Privately, when the kids aren't around and you're talking to family and friends, it's perfectly okay to express concepts such as "I loved my husband and he rejected me. That is NOT a failure on my part, that is NOT a problem with me. That is a failure on his part to not recognize what a great wife and mother I am. That is his problem for being a selfish, self-absorbed ridiculous idiot". Etc. Use your self-talk to build yourself up. Remember, if your ex-husband now has an opinion that you are no longer wonderful, he IS NOT RIGHT. You are still a wonderful person!

[Mr. Lucky]

I know on paper I am probably better off without him, but my heart and soul are reacting differently!!!!!! Please help!!!

 

Lester74, not just on paper, in real life you're better off without him. Marrying this girl on a wing and prayer indicates he's a few pawns short of a full set.

 

Why did you move out of the house ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Andrew42]

Hey sorry to hear the situation your in, it's horrible, I know because I'm in it too right now, the wife of 20 years left me three weeks ago for another guy and is having his baby.

Be strong, be positive but most of all use this site to help you through this whole mess, you can do it, it will be up and down but you can do it.

[Lester74]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.... I'm taking one day at a time... Implementing the "no contact" way of being. It's hard to do with three kids. I only text and do not respond to any of his friendly messages. He had asked me to be best friends, so I can understand the attempts he is making... I'm just not biting... I am having a hard time handling all the triggers, there are so many of them... I can't believe that this is my story right now... I have to push myself to do everything. I'm really tired.

[tinkerbell16]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.... I'm taking one day at a time... Implementing the "no contact" way of being. It's hard to do with three kids. I only text and do not respond to any of his friendly messages. He had asked me to be best friends, so I can understand the attempts he is making... I'm just not biting... I am having a hard time handling all the triggers, there are so many of them... I can't believe that this is my story right now... I have to push myself to do everything. I'm really tired.

 

Classic "let's best friends". Sure buddy, rip my heart out and call me up and we can chat about the weather. My ex asked the same thing. He is a cake eater. Good on you for not biting. Let him feel his loss (you) to the core. From what you describe regarding how fast things went with the other woman he will likely be back at some point with the "I made a terrible mistake". Mine did. I am so happy in my new "life" that the thought of going back to such a selfish man does not cross my mind. I was where you are though and it lasted a while but over time it gets better and you will be happy again I promise you. When something like this happens its like someone ripped your arm off and you feel like a part of you is missing and you are left bleeding and in incredible pain. You are adjusting to soo much all at once. Being part of a couple for so long it's the small things like going to a party and feeling like you are the only single person... writing Ms. instead of Mrs. At some point you will adjust and it will not be a thought anymore. There is a site called chumplady that you may find helpful, it talks about what you are going through

Edited June 17, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[Lester74]

I hate that this is my life right now... I don't laugh like I use to, I'm not truly happy anymore.... A happiness that despite what's going on around you you are still happy... To be left physically and emotionally are both very hard to deal with at the same time... To just think that you will never really connect with this person again is heartbreaking to say the least... The letting go is ripping a piece of me at the same time.

[Angelica21]

Hi, Lester:

 

I understand. The pain, sadness and loneliness are horrible.

 

I'll share a couple ideas that helped me, maybe they will help you. Instead of pursuing "being happy", I pursued "having peace of mind". I did what I could each day to feel calm, and I didn't even try to feel happy.

 

The things that made me feel calm may be different than yours, but I'll tell you some. I kept my thoughts only on what I was doing at the moment. In fact, I would even comment to myself (out loud if alone, silently if others were around): "Now I'm getting the bowl out of the cabinet. Now I'm getting the eggs out of the refrigerator. Now I'm cracking the eggs into the bowl. Now I'm scrambling the eggs with a fork." and on and on through the whole day.

 

Your children, although they keep you super busy, can also be a big source of calm for you. When you're not in the middle of doing something for them, just sit and look at them, study them, soak them into your brain.

 

I also surprised myself regarding how I used my personal hygiene to feel better in ways I didn't expect. For example, I seldom got manicure-pedicure before, so I started getting mani-pedi on a regular basis, and I loved it. But, vice-versa, I'd previously been a woman who always styled my hair every day, but I no longer had the energy, so I just put my hair in a pony-tail or a bun and I didn't care.

 

So, what I'm saying is that it made me feel calm to "step up" some of my beauty routines and "step down" other beauty routines. It was weird, but it worked for me!

 

Okay, one more thing. Even though I lost my husband via divorce, I would think about other women (real or fictional) who had lost their husband because he died. How would they get through it?

 

Although a widow would not have that horrible feeling of being rejected by choice, many other feelings of pain, sadness, fear, worry would be the same.

 

What would you or I say to a woman who was widowed at age 42? "Your life is over, you'll never be happy again, you'll never find another love nor a second husband." Of course not!!! So why should I say something like that to myself, why should you say something like that to yourself?

 

It's totally appropriate to feel your pain right now, but even in the middle of your pain allow yourself to believe that very slowly you will start to feel better.

[Pollyannaslim]

I am so sorry you are hurting and for the circumstances that brought you to this forum! As one reply mentioned, what you are feeling is normal – you are grieving a loss and whatever the circumstances, divorce is a painful process! It is okay to give yourself permission to grieve – there is no time limit.

Do take heart…although it must feel like it at times, you are not alone! Coming here is a good start – come back often for encouragement. I have a feeling you are much stronger than you think, and you WILL get through this. I do believe having a good support system is an important part of your healing; if you haven’t already, would you consider finding someone with whom you can talk – IC or your Pastor at church? Do you have family nearby, or those who might be able to help you with the children? At times, as women, we tend to do too much and it can be difficult to ask for help– but people really do want to lend a hand they just don’t always know in what capacity. There are also some great books that can provide comfort, encouragement and guide you through every phase of this season of your life. The one that specifically comes to mind is

 

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives" (West & Quinn).

 

 

I do understand, truly I do, how debilitating it can be when our hearts are broken in two, and even though your children keep you on the go, it is my hope that you will try to stay connected -socialize and get involved in as many things as you possibly can; starting with setting small daily goals, and rejoicing in each victory. Is there an art or a language you have always wanted to learn, but have yet to try? If you're not quite ready to pursue something new or carve out "me time," would you consider finding a service project you and your children can do together? Helping others often can bring much healing to oneself!

 

 

Finally, as you nurture and love on your LOs, please don’t forget to love on yourself. Rest when you can and eat.

 

 

 

I will truly keep you in my prayers

 

 

-P