How do you feel about being dominated?

[Alexandrajones]

Ok for a minute I thought this was a bdsm post, but it's not. This "dominating" controlling behavior is going to cause you to lose yourself. Do you want that? Sure, he's providing "help" but it's not free. You are giving up everything, freedom included. I'm betting after awhile and he is able to push the boundaries further, there will be consequences for your "defiance." Hardly a word that should be used on an adult.

 

I'm betting with a little effort, you can fix your own problems.

 

Lol no it's not bdsm but it feels like it. That's what I was trying to do was fix my problems and learn about managing money and developing my talents. Thanks for the encouragement

[katiegrl]

So up until him I've been doing whatever I want, not answering to anyone and making all my own decisions.

 

Alexandra, what happened to this person^^?

 

Can you find her again?

[fitnessfan365]

There is a difference between a strong/confidant dominant man and a control freak. This guy sounds like a control freak to me. After all, a relationship is supposed to be about give and take and both people's needs. Not just one person's.

 

Also, it really does sound like this guy is extremely insecure. When a guy is truly confidant/dominant, he doesn't need to try that hard and overcompensate. A woman's submissive nature comes naturally to a guy that makes her feel loved and safe. It isn't done by forcing her into anything. What makes a woman's submission so sexy is that she is choosing to do so which creates a closeness and intimacy.

 

I'd drop this guy like a bad habit in all honesty.

[Alexandrajones]

I'd tell you if you were a spoiled brat, and the others here can vouch for this.

 

I am seriously not one for yelling 'abuse' at everything. This is abusive.

 

 

 

That's how he has power over you.

 

I don't think this guy is dominant at all. I think he is an insecure prat, and you are suffering for his insecurities.

 

Get rid of him.

 

Thank you for weighing in.

[Alexandrajones]

Alexandra, what happened to this person^^?

 

Can you find her again?

 

I'm still her but in hiding around him. I was trying to see things his way. Give it a chance because he's so gung ho about me. I feel that I could learn money management and business acumen on my own. I have been feeling down and he came on strong. I need to hear encouragement that I can do this without him. Before he came back into the picture that's where I was headed

[Alexandrajones]

There is a difference between a strong/confidant dominant man and a control freak. This guy sounds like a control freak to me. After all, a relationship is supposed to be about give and take and both people's needs. Not just one person's.

 

Also, it really does sound like this guy is extremely insecure. When a guy is truly confidant/dominant, he doesn't need to try that hard and overcompensate. A woman's submissive nature comes naturally to a guy that makes her feel loved and safe. It isn't done by forcing her into anything. What makes a woman's submission so sexy is that she is choosing to do so which creates a closeness and intimacy.

 

I'd drop this guy like a bad habit in all honesty.

Thank u so much this really helped

[Alexandrajones]

Alexandra, how did this happen?

 

You were so independent.... a free spirit.... how did you ever allow yourself to get into a situation like this?

 

Genuinely curious....

 

Where do you live? I live alone now, come stay with me!

It started when I wanted a career change and really started regretting choosing the career I'm currently in.

 

Then I had problems at work with male bosses that just shook me inside. Married bosses at work trying to have it on with me.

 

 

I left my last job and had little savings.

 

I knew that I loved music and wanted to be pursue being a musician and I confided in my ex about it. I forgot that he was into the art scene and he introduced me to Grammy award winning musicians and he told me he would book sessions with them for me. But I would have to do everything he says. This sounds like a bad Lifetime movie but after that he really became aggressive and domineering. I think being a "free spirit"

pisses some people off.

[katiegrl]

 

I'm still her but in hiding around him. I was trying to see things his way. Give it a chance because he's so gung ho about me.

 

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated and that he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life. im not trying to be the next Ike and Tina or C. Brown and Rihanna. He wants head for as long as he wants it. This is like a bad movie for me. I needed to hear some outside views.

 

He is always horny, he wants oral sex all the time, he is demanding that I cook whatever he wants, he will wake me up from sleep and demand oral, he said he won't tolerate any of my attitude, he won't tolerate "back talk" and he basically is making all of the decisions.

 

You call this^^ being gung ho about you? What am I missing? Surely something.

[Alexandrajones]

Alexandra, I willingly live as a slave-girl to a Master in a BDSM marriage and my guy isn't this nasty or abusive.

 

What he is doing is unacceptable. There *are* women who like this lifestyle, but they actively seek it out and are not subjugated this way without first discussing "hard limits" and the parameters of their submission.

 

You have not done this. Time to put a stop to it. Do you REALLY need and want this guy's attention? I think you could do better....

 

There are no limits when it comes to him. He even has been demanding another girl to please him sexually. This is so embarrassing but I had to tell people, so grateful for this forum

[Alexandrajones]

You call this^^ being gung ho about you? What am I missing? Surely something.

 

Yeah it is stupid. He is an A hole in reality. He won't let me be myself. He acts like I don't respect him when I do. Whatever my boundaries are, he pushed pass them. If I relax my boundaries for him, he will push into those boundaries that I just relaxed. He doesn't want me to "complain". I will get out of this. Like I said I'm in a vulnerable place. I'm not my usual self.

[katiegrl]

Yeah it is stupid. He is an A hole in reality. He won't let me be myself. He acts like I don't respect him when I do. Whatever my boundaries are, he pushed pass them. If I relax my boundaries for him, he will push into those boundaries that I just relaxed. He doesn't want me to "complain". I will get out of this. Like I said I'm in a vulnerable place. I'm not my usual self.

 

Well the longer you stay, the more abusive he will get, the more emotionally-dependent you will become, the more vulnerable you will feel, the lower your self-esteem will be, not to mention your self-respect, so my advice would be to gather up all the strength you can muster now and get the hell outta that PRISON.

 

NOW.

 

Just pack up your things when he is gone and LEAVE. Leave a note saying "Had enough, Bye!"

 

Do not tell him where you are going.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.... like I said you need to take care of YOU!

 

No one else will hun, it's all up to you.

 

Trust me you will feel SO empowered if you do this. Your confidence will increase along with your self-esteem, self-respect.

 

THAT is how you get back to who you were before this a-hat entered your life.

 

Best of luck and keep us posted!!

Edited June 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[CarrieT]

What Katie said; leave NOW.

 

As soon as you can.

 

Please.

[anika99]

Okay well first of all I agree with everyone else in that this guy is an abuser and you need to get yourself out of there ASAP!

 

Once you have left though, then I think you need to reflect a little on yourself and the reasons you got to this place. By reading your first post it sounds like you were never even into this guy. You weren't romantically attracted to him and told him you didn't want to date anyone. Then he started telling you all the things he could do for you and you decided to date him. In other words it sounds like you set out to use him, by dating him and taking whatever he had to offer even though you didn't even really want him.

 

There are no shortcuts. When you want something really bad you have to work for it. There is no man that is going to come along and hand you the life you want on a silver platter. I don't get the impression that you love this guy so I don't understand why you are still there but by reading your posts it seems like you are staying because you are still wanting him to fix your problems. Most abuse victims stay because they are blinded by love for their abuser and can't see the forest for the trees, but your relationship with this guy isn't even about love, it sounds very calculated and self serving by both of you, as if you have mutually agreed to use each other for whatever you can get. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your decisions. He isn't forcing you to stay. If you are only there because you think he's going to further your career then that is your choice and you are not a victim.

[spiderowl]

If you like being dominated, then fine carry on. If you don't like it, why put up with him?

 

Personally, I'd hate it. I would find it very offensive if he treated me like that.

[Alexandrajones]

I just wanted to update.

 

Since I posted this the situation got way way worse.

 

 

He really is a cruel and wicked guy.

 

 

I have known this person for many years and we dated before like I said, about 8 years ago, but he wasn't like this.

 

Now he is like some maniac and he has called me vicious names, he has smeared my name to his father, he has threatened me and he even yelled how much it sucked that nowadays men can't hit women.

 

We had a huge fight in the streets in front of his house and I jumped in my car and left. He has sent me many text messages alternating between berating me calling me the N word and a b***ch and then saying how much he loves me. He has sent pleading texts and threats of deleting me and I can't believe this is who he really was all these years. He is very popular, has wealthy friends, very respected and accomplished in his field, comes from a middle class family with parents who are very respected in the city we live in.

 

He can be very charming, lively and fun. He introduces you to very cool people with interesting careers and lives. Everyone in his family seems to respect him even though he claims that people don't like him and his parents don't respect him.

 

He used things I told him against me, used his advantages over me, and denied hurting me except for one apology he sent after the fight. He accused me of being a bully, self centered, stuck up, arrogant, selfish, ghetto, low-class, stupid, an idiot, and basically, everything that he really is. I ended up calling a domestic violence hotline.

 

Needless to say I will never see this person again and I'm keeping these texts as evidence.

[GorillaTheater]

I ended up calling a domestic violence hotline.

 

Needless to say I will never see this person again and I'm keeping these texts as evidence.

 

 

There are a bunch of us here who are thrilled to read these two sentences.

 

 

Very, very well done.

 

 

Stay strong and let us know how this goes.

[CarrieT]

There are a bunch of us here who are thrilled to read these two sentences.

 

Very, very well done.

 

Stay strong and let us know how this goes.

 

Repeated for truth.

 

Alexandra, you might need to hide for a while. If he is as nasty as you describe, he might hunt you down.

 

Consider the fact that you might need to file a restraining order against him. Keep those texts as evidence of the threat against you.

 

Be safe.