Emilia Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I am not sure it's a good thing but so far we have no reason to rock the boat. We spend a lot of time together at least 6 days a week and nothing came up so far that justified an argument. does he let you decide what to do, where to go, etc most of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 He's getting some kind of payoff for doing this. When he gives you a heartfelt apology, do you hug him and tell him it's ok, and tell him you love him, and give him a "fix" of love and security? If so, you gotta quit doing that. If he no longer gets something out of apologizing, he'll hopefully stop doing it. Give him payoffs when he is confident and happy - inspire more of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 My best friend does this, she was always a people pleaser. I wouldn't worry about it! BTW that movie disturbed me for months lol Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Gaeta.... check this out. https://www.quora.com/Why-do-some-people-say-sorry-a-lot-Could-it-be-from-abuse-or-from-feeling-like-they-never-do-anything-right Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Gaeta.... check this out. https://www.quora.com/Why-do-some-people-say-sorry-a-lot-Could-it-be-from-abuse-or-from-feeling-like-they-never-do-anything-right I recall about a month ago, on a thread re intimacy and how much to share with your partner.... you indicated that both you and your BF have chosen not to disclose certain elements of your past, and you were both okay with that. You told us your BF has some burn scars on his body that you never asked him about (in detail), so just a thought but perhaps he was abused as a kid... and him saying sorry all the time goes back to that - perhaps he has some sort of a guilt complex or something if he was criticized a lot as a kid (and abused). Now that he has fallen in love with you... you are not the recipient of that guilt and subsequent "I'm sorry's." Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I'm sorry, I do that a lot too. I'm Canadian though, eh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I'm Canadian though, eh. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 I had an employee many years ago that used to do that and also would say stuff like "Hey, I've got a stupid question" It was all related to his self esteem, he was in an abusive relationship.. very abusive.. his wife used to call him stupid and names all the time. I fixed it by telling him, "no question is stupid" ask me anything at anytime. As far as him apologizing times a day, I used to just be frank.. "no need to apologize.. hey around here there are no mistakes being made that anybody will get into trouble for" I would on occasion say "stop apologizing" It did take a year or so for him to stop doing it, he was with my company almost 17 years... That is inspiring. I need to handle it your way. Sometimes I have used humor and said things like if you say sorry again I'll beat you up. Which is funny in my book cause I'm a shorty and he's a tall man but now being reminded he had a very difficult childhood I need to quit this type of humor. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Gaeta, not telling you what to do -- but if it were me, I would say "sweetie, why do you feel you need to say sorry all the time? Do you feel guilty about something? What is going on? Can you talk about it?" Set up an environment (verbally) wherein he is comfortable discussing it, and that he won't feel judged or criticized. But understood. I would try to get to the root of it as I do believe, in his case at least, there IS a root to get to. More than him just being a people pleaser. It is something deeper. Especially since you said he didn't do it in the early stages of your RL.... it started later, after he fell in love with you. So it's not his personality... but has something to do with his feelings for you and his RL with you. JMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're sorry for his sorryness. https://mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/sig-4041529.sig-4041255.mind-explosion-o.gif 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I recall about a month ago, on a thread re intimacy and how much to share with your partner.... you indicated that both you and your BF have chosen not to disclose certain elements of your past, and you were both okay with that. You told us your BF has some burn scars on his body that you never asked him about (in detail), so just a thought but perhaps he was abused as a kid... and him saying sorry all the time goes back to that - perhaps he has some sort of a guilt complex or something if he was criticized a lot as a kid (and abused). Now that he has fallen in love with you... you are not the recipient of that guilt and subsequent "I'm sorry's." Just a thought. I agree this is a guilt complex thing. He says sorry because he is worried about disappointing you/letting you down. It has gotten worse because he cares more as you get closer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 does he let you decide what to do, where to go, etc most of the time? He is a planner. He comes ahead with plans and ask if I'd like that and he does not need any guidance from me to make it happen. I don't feel I am the decider in our relationship. If I ask him to help me with something he's all over it though. I can rely on him night and day for me, my daughter, or anyone I care about. He does not lack self-confidence and he is quite social. He's very articulate and goes toward people naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 He is a planner. He comes ahead with plans and ask if I'd like that and he does not need any guidance from me to make it happen. I don't feel I am the decider in our relationship. What happens when you want to go to Y and he wants to go to X? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 What happens when you want to go to Y and he wants to go to X? We go to Y first then we go to X, lol. We never had any big difference. If we stand in front of the movie theater and we want to see different movies we'll see both movies. We are both very flexible. I watch soccer with him (don't care at all for it) and he watches Twilight with me (no need to specify he doesn't care for it). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 We go to Y first then we go to X, lol. We never had any big difference. If we stand in front of the movie theater and we want to see different movies we'll see both movies. We are both very flexible. I watch soccer with him (don't care at all for it) and he watches Twilight with me (no need to specify he doesn't care for it). That's very nice. Do you think if you pushed him each time, he would go for what you want ONLY (ie no compromise) or would he after a handful of times put his foot down? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Sometimes he says he is sorry and I don't even know why. I'll ask him what he's sorry for and I'll get : I don't know, I just apologize in advance for the next thing I'll do that deserves a sorry. Gaeta, this^^ is weird. Above and beyond. Something is definitely going on. Does he perceive you as being difficult to please? Was there a time early in your RL where you did criticize him? Or tell him what to do, how to do things? I know if you did it was out of love, but I vaguely recall your posting about something like that very early on in your RL. I could be wrong. In any event, apologizing when you believe you've done something wrong, even minor, is one thing. Saying you're sorry in advance for the next thing you do wrong is a little over the top IMO. Dig deeper, communicate.... I am sure you will find the answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 What KG mentions is important: Saying you're sorry in advance for the next thing you do wrong is a little over the top IMO. You told us your BF has some burn scars on his body that you never asked him about (in detail), so just a thought but perhaps he was abused as a kid... and him saying sorry all the time goes back to that - perhaps he has some sort of a guilt complex or something if he was criticized a lot as a kid (and abused). This is about the old saying “old habits die hard” that is an ingrained character trait, he learned that behavior. From what I understand children of parents who were strict in teaching responsibility for any issues become over-apologizers. This can also manifest itself if they witnessed similar behavior like one parent say sorry all the time to others. (Usually mothers of course) Victims of abuse (emotional, physical, or otherwise) can also over apologize out of guilt from past traumatic experiences or fear of making others angry. If this bothers you… I mean REALLY bothers you and you see any long term potential with him then you should openly communicate about this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Sounds like he is in love with you and you are the dominant personality in the relationship so he is trying to always make sure you are happy. Unfortunately, it backfires on people who do this too much, because then you just see them as weak and lose interest. You could say something. Choose words, timing, etc wisely. I think if you do it you need to make sure the message gets across in a big way (like a "talk") rather than an in the moment next time he says sorry (which will feel like bickering or something he can dismiss after the moment). You want the info to sink in. He will try to please you since he already does--if he understands and you can clearly communicate the problem and why it's a problem. Otherwise if you don't get message across properly, you will find yourself having an i'm sorry convo from him in response to your talk!!!! Which will make you super frustrated. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) Victims of abuse (emotional, physical, or otherwise) can also over apologize out of guilt from past traumatic experiences or fear of making others angry. That is a really great point LV..... Gaeta just me, but I would start by asking him how he got the scars. Out of love, because you care. He needs to feel safe (emotionally) which I know he would with you, you are a very caring person. Once he starts to feel safe and opens up, more will be revealed. Just me. Unless you are okay with him just apologizing all the time for the rest of your lives.... whether he has a reason to apologize or not.. Doesn't sound like you are okay with that though.... Best of luck, this is a toughie! Edited June 15, 2016 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I don't know what's worse, a guy who never apologizes or a guy who apologizes when he doesn't need to.... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) i think saying sorry just becomes habit......someone ran over my foot with a shopping trolley and i apologised for being in the way, i bumped someones shoulder because we were asked to stand closer together...and i apologised..someone asked to move past me when i was sitting down and i apologised for being in the way that he should have to step round me...i have apologised for having to squeeze round people to get out a door...i apologised for being last up the steps and holding everyone up in choir and felt so guilty.even though everyone said theres no rush ...dont panic its ok..take your time.....i still said sorry....and it was a struggle to say sorry because i couldnt even breathe from rushing up quite a few flights of stairs...im no lightweight...i dont float upstairs..........but i still managed to get sorry out....nearly had a heart attack ..but yeah deb said sorry..... dont know about your bf...but for me....i know why i apologise all the time...two reasons...one is i am used to apologising......even when i am not in the wrong..i apologise as a natural thing liek i have to and i cant help it the second reason being...i am apologising for just being around like people dotn want me around or that i dont feel worthy i feel like i dont belong there.......yes its a self esteem thing... when i feel more comfortable with someone...i apologise less because i have grown to understand and accept they want to be around me adn i love being around them......if i am on edge or feel insecure or in a place with bulk people...i apologise more..unfortunately....i have been this way my whole life....and i dont know if i will change..i grew up seen and not heard........maybe...theres hope for me.....i talk a whole lot more lately...:0) maybe when he grows more comfortable with you he will come to understand and accept apologies are not required......he might be struggling a little with insecurity..keep reassuring him....apologies are not needed at every instance and to just relax...he doesnt need to apologise in advance anymore....best wishes...deb Edited June 16, 2016 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Gaeta, this^^ is weird. Above and beyond. Something is definitely going on. Does he perceive you as being difficult to please? No not at all, in fact he told me what he really appreciated about me was that I never tried to control him or impose anything on him. Was there a time early in your RL where you did criticize him? Or tell him what to do, how to do things? I know if you did it was out of love, but I vaguely recall your posting about something like that very early on in your RL. About a month into dating his phone died and he did not contact me for 4 days. After he got back to me I let him know, in a kind but forward way, that I was expecting something else from him. Of course he apologized and it never happened again. Maybe that painted me a certain way in his eyes. Dig deeper, communicate.... I am sure you will find the answer. Ya, I think it's time I ask him to tell me more about his childhood. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Ya, I think it's time I ask him to tell me more about his childhood. Not only his childhood, but his relationships too. Particularly his early relationships. I just have a feeling something about him drove women away in the past. I think he likes you and doesn't want to drive you away. We don't know what is the real problem, but we know apologizing doesn't fix it. Find the problem and fix that. And I think you're just the person to help him work through whatever that may be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Not only his childhood, but his relationships too. Particularly his early relationships. I just have a feeling something about him drove women away in the past. I think he likes you and doesn't want to drive you away. We don't know what is the real problem, but we know apologizing doesn't fix it. Find the problem and fix that. And I think you're just the person to help him work through whatever that may be. And his children.... Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I don't know what's worse, a guy who never apologizes or a guy who apologizes when he doesn't need to.... Anyone that would apologize repeatedly for small things would drive me absolutely insane. My mom's 2nd marriage had a lot of this going on. She was always apologizing for the smallest things. It was like walking on eggshells for her. So over-apologizing would be worse in my opinion, than under-apologizing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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